Friday, June 24, 2016

Feeling better

So it's been a week since I started my Synthroid and I had some emotional issues earlier this week.  I also ended up Oing earlier than I liked, I'm 1 dpo today CD 13.  Good ole DOR.  I'm going to start progesterone this weekend to extend my LP as much as possible, otherwise AF can come as early as next weekend.  July 1st I'm being retested.

So the bad things I noticed this week.  I had severe anxiety bordering on panic attacks.  I even called my REs office who said I could switch to EOD, but to not discontinue the med.  I didn't want to do that, so I figured I'd keep taking it and see if my body got used to it.  After all synthroid can cause anxiety, Hashimoto's can, and so can PTSD.  So, it was hard to pinpoint what was what.  Then I started feeling hot. I'm the girl who lives in a sweater.  Anyone who knows me, knows I wear a jacket inside and the temps don't matter.  My hands and feet are always ice.  Suddenly I'm warm?  Almost hot?  Yeah, fun with the boot, I tell you.  I've noticed some hair loss too.  Yesterday when washing my hair a lot more than usual in the tub and on my hands.

Today though I've noticed an increased in energy and in general I just feel "better".  My mood, just everything. I feel peaceful too.  Started some yesterday, but def notice it today and just calm.  No anxiety.  Not sure if it's the med, some kind of break in life or what, but I'll take it!

My ankle is starting to heal too.  It also hurt earlier this week, but for the past two days I've been putting oils and I was able to walk a few steps on both feet.  I'm waiting for my ankle brace to come in before I do more, but I'm encouraged.

One week from today I'll redo my labs.  I've decided I'm going to do what my RE recommends, which is probably proceed, but we'll see what the labs say.  Maybe July will be a good month.  I NEED a good month.  It's been so, so hard lately.  I've just really been trying to stay afloat, but you know what?  I'm doing it.

Tuesday, June 21, 2016

The war within me

It's been a hard time lately.  A very hard time.  Especially since I hurt my ankle and now with this diagnosis.  To me it's all "just one more thing."  It's been a very crappy summer.  The break I was looking for just isn't panning out.

I'm injured. I'm limited in everything I can do.  I even have to watch where I take Katie, too many kids or too busy and I risk someone running into me and then having to reheal over and over again without progress.

My contract jobs are not what I'd hoped.  I find them frustrating more than anything and I'm actually regretting not just working summer school.

Hashimoto's diagnosis on top of everything.  Like I really needed that.  This has put a huge damper on things because thyroid is very complicated and I'm honestly seeing a lot of confusion and inconsistencies among people.  Synthroid has helped mine, synthroid did nothing for me, free t3 is too low and synthroid only helps with t4 and your body is not converting properly.  Your Vid D is too low and that can cause t3 to be low as well.  Just so much.  Then I've had a few people outright tell me that my levels are not good for a pregnancy.  That to do my July cycle is almost asking for a miscarriage.

I'm torn on this.  I know in my heart of hearts, this isn't new.  It's just newly diagnosed.  I've had three pregnancies.  I'm very sure that at least with the twins, I didn't have good numbers.  No one has said that their loss was tied to thyroid.  I guess the indirect thing can be that since Hashimotos is an autoimmune disease my body was weak and that's how I got the blood infection, so indirectly it could've led to their loss.  I don't know.  I know about it now though and I'm trying to figure out what to do now.

Side 1
I'm 35.5 years old with DOR.  I've had DOR at least since I was 30.  I do not conceive without treatments and yes, most of the time it's resulted in pregnancy, but not every time and with my FSH increasing like it has (used to be 6 now around 9, my e2 is the same) and honestly all of this put together, I'm at a reduced chance for success.  Not impossible, maybe not even improbable, but my chances of even getting pregnant become less and less.  The chance of a chromosomal abnormality have increased. The chances of pregnancy complications has increased and were already high to begin with based on all my prior pregnancies.

I'll be returning to work early August full-time.  It's going to be VERY hard, almost impossible to do treatments at that time.  I also don't want a May due date.  May is not a happy month for me and right now if this were to work, my due date would fall around my anniversary in April.  This is only tied to good thoughts and memories. I'd also get to stay home for a longer period of time.  My leave would extend to summer and then I'd have all of summer.  If  I were to ever bring home another living baby I know the emotional aspect would be bigger this time.  The timing and everything works perfect for a July cycle.


Side 2
I have a known thyroid condition, one that can and may lead to a loss.  How in good conscience do I go through a treatment that might work and risk the health and life of an innocent child?  How do I selfishly do this?  I have plans, I'll ask for a lot of thyroid testing, I know my RE will check my levels every 2-3 weeks and I know he'd adjust.  Is this enough?  Not enough?  In a perfect world I'd make sure my numbers were good and then do it.  But I don't live in a perfect world.  I live in a world where things tend to go wrong.

What do I do?  What decision do I make? My therapist yesterday wanted to know where DH was in all this.  DH leaves it up to me.

Do I trust a RE who's never strayed me wrong?  Who's gotten me all my pregnancies?  Tested me for all the things and gave me hope and answers.  Do I questions him on this one thing that maybe it isn't time to do this? This has been a physician who's truly cared about me.  Who's told me when you're doing this bad emotionally, you have to wait on treatments.  He even ignored me to ask David how my mental health was Thursday when I saw him.  He cared more about that.  He said he can work with my body, what he can't fix is my emotions and that's what worries him more than anything.  He said he feels I'm doing so much better emotionally and he's comfortable with this last round.

What do I do?  Where do I go from here?  How do I make the right choice?  I know what my heart wants.  I want to do the July cycle. I want to move past the TTC chapter.  I want to either bring home another baby (this more than anything), or learn to accept that I have Katie and I'm very, very grateful for her, but I'll also need to learn to carry my losses with me and accept that she is the only child I'll get to raise.

What do I do?  I'm so confused, scared, torn, hopeless.  I just want one more child to add to my family  One more.  Why can't I have that?

Friday, June 17, 2016

Another diagnosis.....

Emotionally:

Not going to lie.  I've been in a complete funk since I hurt my ankle.  I still can't walk on it, in fact I tried a week ago and it took until about Tuesday of this week to get it to where it was last Friday before I injured it more.  I live in a boot and it just sucks.  I feel transported back to last summer with the assistance I'm needing with Katie and energy level and I'm just having a hard time.  Last week started with not getting a job I wanted, finding out a co-worker/friend passed away, and then that BFN.  This week has been a bit better, but I struggle daily.

I feel like I was starting to do so well and all at once it went to shit.  Half the time I don't know the point of therapy and I've debated not going, but honestly I just don't know.


RE Update:

So, My RPL testing didn't exactly come back perfect.  I had ideas, but was surprised by what came yesterday when I met with my RE.  I've had symptoms of thyroid issues for a long time, I'm sluggish, insomnia, how easily I'm cold.  I'm always wearing a sweater at work, etc.  However, tests have shown things are "normal".  Well, my antibodies are not and I was dx with Hashimoto's Disease, which is a thyroid conditions where your body is attacking the thyroid.  It's considered an auto immune disorder and I was prescribed Synthroid for it.

My RE thinks I'm okay to go next cycle if I'm ready.  I'm tentatively yes while I'm finding out more info about this.  I'm scheduled for my baseline July 1st, to make sure I don't have cysts, and then once AF comes (should be around 7/7), I can start the final cycle, my "Hail Mary"

For anyone reading who's a Thyroid buff and curious, these are my numbers:

TSH 1.650
T3  2.5 (appears normal range, but I'm told this is low)
T4 1.02
Thyroglobulin Antibody 7.9 (this is very high)

I'm just so confused right now. I'm torn in every direction.  I keep telling myself I had a goiter last year I needed u/s for, I've had symptoms of thyroid issues for years now, but since the antibodies are the only thing that show there's an issue, it's been undx.  I've likely conceived and carried all my pregnancies and kids with it and none of my losses are attributed to thyroid or even unexplained loss, but I don't know if I'm being dumb or not.  I'm seeing women dx during their bfp cycles, during pregnancy, etc.

Sunday, June 12, 2016

BFN

The Femara/TI/Progesterone cycle did not work.  Shocking, right? Yeah, me neither.  What did suck ass was me having a dream on Thursday night.  Let me start with I rarely ever dream.  I'm not a great sleeper and I either seldom dream or don't recall them.  Either way, my last dream was at the beginning of my Ivy cycle. Anyways, I dreamed that my acu was telling me I was preg with twins and he was touching on my uterus where they were.  He also told me they were non-viable and trying to find a doctor to remove them from my body.  I remember being aware that these were not Emma and Chase, but a different set of twins and they were gone too.  Then I woke up.

I went to go test because I wanted to see a BFN and be done with progesterone.  It had been making me nauseous, I wasn't feeling well, life has just been a big downer since I fell down the stairs. So, I saw a slight line, not a start white.  I had a moment of fuck, what is happening?  There is no way this is real.  No way. I tested mid-day and nothing.  Tested late at night and there was the same ever so slight line, like barely there and a huge dye run.  I figured the real answer would come the following morning. It did, it was stark white.  The cycle was a BFN, just some random fluke that would occur on my test.

AF came late yesterday and so today marks CD 1.  In addition to this loveliness, my RPL tests with my RE didn't come back 100% right either.  I'm meeting with him Thurs to talk to him about everything. I'm looking at next cycle, which should start around the beginning of July, being the final one, my Hail Mary.  I have no optimism or hope that it's going to work.  I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to accept that this is finality of TTC and move forward. Somehow I'll figure it out since we all have to. Life is life.

Thursday, June 9, 2016

Funk

I've been in a real funk this whole summer so far.  I couldn't wait for summer, told myself, this was finally the one that was going to be the real summer and have some fun. Two years ago David lost his job, a year ago the twins, I knew I probably wouldn't conceive this summer, but I was still determined to enjoy my time with my family.

Except I injured my ankle badly.  Except, just like a year ago, I'm having a hard time getting around, needing assistance, watching other people have fun with my living child because I can't do much.  I'm getting a bit better, but without a stint or boot I can't walk or put any pressure on it.  It's been two weeks.  I can't go swimming or do any of the fun water activities.  I have to stay away from very busy kid places because too many kids and one might run into my injured leg and then I could be worse.

I started my contract job and it's very disappointing.  Not even slightly what I'd hoped and not many hours either.  My testing came back from the RE.  The testing I didn't think would show any other issues, except it kinda did.  I won't go into it because I don't know exactly what it means.  I've set up a follow-up with my RE for Thurs the 16th to review everything.  I'd decided to wait until July for financial reasons and ankle reasons as well.  Since I'm at a high risk for reinjury and might need to take all different kind of meds, I didn't want to risk that with a treatment.  It really is my last chance-the only shot I have left to ever bring home a living child.  One try.  It's not even possible it's going to happen, is it?

My story will never end like I'd hoped. It's impossible, because I will never raise all my children, but I'd hoped to have peace in knowing that Katie wouldn't grow up alone, but I'm going to have to face that, aren't I?  I'm going to have to actually just walk away from this after this summer and figure out a completely new life.  I'm still trying to figure out the one where my twins died.

Yeah, it's been a year.  I should be "over it", huh?  There is no over it.  I don't know who I am, I don't know where to go from here.  I have many days I'm just confused.  I don't recognize myself in the mirror.  I don't recognize pictures of my old self either.  The days the joy shun through my eyes.  The days I thought after all of infertility it was going to end okay.

I don't know the point of even writing this, except is all festering inside of me.  I feel disconnected from the world. I don't even want to go to counseling anymore.  I don't know what I want.  I know some of what I want, I want to have one more living child, I want to enjoy what life I have with the family that is here.  I want things to be okay.  Sitting here today, this moment, I feel it's never going to.

Monday, May 30, 2016

Memorial Day

Memorial Day is the twins day for a few reasons.  It was the day that the gender reveal was supposed to be and it ended up being the day Emma was born.  It's hard not to think of them when I think of Memorial Day.  Since they were born 28 hours apart and it's hard to do stuff, usually in the middle of the week, on two days, we decided that we'd light a candle, do a little something on their anniversaries, but then remember them and do the actual "something" on Memorial Day.  This year we chose balloons.

I've had a very rough time lately.  From the anniversaries to getting injured to what feels like nothing working out.  I also have the guilt of I feel one twin gets more than the other.  What does that even mean?  Well, I feel Emma gets more than Chase.

On the day Emma was born, I had a lot of people come visit at the hospital.  I had help getting her picture taken so I have much better pics of her.  On the day Chase was born, the weather was so bad, outside of David, FIL is the only one who came.  No one helped with pics.  We had one nurse take a picture of David and I holding him, but otherwise David had to do it and he was in such grief he didn't get as good a pictures.  I don't have his features as much.

A year later.  With Emma I was able to get on the stool and light the candle myself.  I got to take a selfie with her bear.  Spend time in the backyard just remembering and reflecting and grieving and being emotionally with her.  On Chase's anniversary I fell down the stairs as soon as I posted stuff about him.  I couldn't get to the candle, so DH did it.  I didn't get a bear selfie with him.  It was storming again, plus I couldn't walk, so I didn't get any chance to just sit and reflect. He got less.  Tonight, I meant to release TWO balloons.  One for each child.  I got home and HIS balloon had somehow torn.  We were careful with both of them, but his didn't make it.  It was his because the blue string was tied around that balloon, even though I hadn't written the names on them yet.  I feel with every turn he gets less and she gets more.  It's hard to explain and probably sounds crazy, but it bothers me.  Also, something as simple as Instagram. I posted my message for Emma on IG and added it to FB.  I'm new to IG and forgot to do Chase, so she's the only on there.  I remembered a day later and thought about doing it, but really, it's too late and I felt like shit.

I've been struggling because a year ago I couldn't take care of Kate, needed help with most things, I was recovering and having to take it easy.  Here I am again, unable to do much.  My boot came in today so at least I don't need the crutches and I can walk around a bit more, but still.  It just sucks and I've had a hard time emotionally.  I've had a hard time being optimistic or thinking there's anything good in my future.  This Femara cycle has had me crazy due to me looking at everything as a bad sign.  The falling, all I could think was had Ivy not had Trisomy 16, I'd be pregnant with him and I fell down the stairs.  I could've killed him.  On one hand I don't think I'll ever conceive again, on the other I know I have some type of hope, otherwise why try?  Am I a danger to children? Unfit?  What if I had fallen and killed him?  Injured him?  What if this happens in the future?

A lot going in and out of my mind, some rational, some not, but it's been hard.  I've been following Tom Zuba like crazy and trying to take in his words and I've been hanging in there, but it's been tough.

Okay, to my release.  I wanted it at a park, but due to my lack of mobility, no park, we had to do backyard.  I wanted two balloons, but I moved Chase's string to Emma's balloon and did one side Emma and one side Chase.


The pictures. I'm gonna post my favorite one first.



This one is my favorite picture because the camera captures two sunbeams and if you look closely you can see the rainbow of color in each beam.  I have a heart around the balloon.



Emma's side.  The hand print is Katie's


Chase's side.  The handprint is Katie's.

Sunday, May 29, 2016

Two worlds

I'm torn in two worlds right now.  A world where this year is reminiscent of last year and a world where it isn't.  Yesterday was a hard day and I only began feeling better, emotionally, towards the evening. It was too much "the same."

I have a health issue (my foot), due to it I'm very limited in what I can do.  Everyone fussing over me and trying to take care of me.  I'm not allowed to do this, not allowed to do that because I can't really walk much and honestly I'm at a very high risk of this being worse or a reinjury.  I again, won't be able to go to the pool for quite a while.  I missed the end of the school year. My foot either has to be in a splint or a boot at all times. David and Katie are going to go off to the pool. David said I could come watch, but all I picture is last summer when all I could do was sit in my grief and watch and as selfish as that sounds, I can't do it again. Then the real fear, the thought I can't escape.  I am supposed to be pregnant right now.  I could've lost a baby by falling down the stairs.  How do I go on every day knowing every single day I wake up something horrible can happen?  I have no control.  I was just going down the stairs.  My mind was occupied so I thought I reached the bottom when I didn't. I just feel scared and sad.  I feel nothing within me is safe, nothing around me is safe.

On the one hand I really don't think I'll conceive again.  Certainly it won't be this cycle.  Since I can't do much of anything, I started thinking about follicle size and off to dr google I went to find something new I think about myself.  I went to look at cycle histories.  Most people worry about their follicles being big enough, I think my issue is they get too big.  A follicle isn't considered to have a "good egg" or even an egg after it's 25 mm.  Mine were 20 on Friday.  A follie grows an average of 2 mm a day.  This would make me at a 24 today.  Now I did have a 22 and a 25 when I conceived the twins, so I'm not out of the realm of ability, but looking back at some where my left was a 29, 28, etc. I'm starting to see what part of my issue might be. I also go back to my REs original words when he looked at my labs and history for the first time-it's an ovary issue.  I think so.

Anyways, I'm drifting. On the other hand while I think I won't conceive again, I can let go of the possibility that I "might" and that I could.  If I didn't deep down believe there was a chance, I wouldn't do it, wouldn't spend the money, the emotions.  I have conceived 3 out out of 4 medicated cycles with my current RE although only one child lives.

We've had so many storms here, there's flooding again, roads shut down, it's horrible. One thing DH did was go pick veggies off my garden.  I couldn't believe how much we got.  The small tomatoes are cherry and I was told to pick them green and let them ripen off the vine.


I don't have a rainbow, I may never have one, but I couldn't help but think of the concept when I looked at all these veggies from my garden.  From the storm, from a bad thing, life came, these veggies came.  We enjoyed the zucchini in our pasta for dinner and later I snacked on cucumber slices and ranch dressing. I'm excited for what the garden is producing this year.  I tried to see it as hope.


One of the caterpillars I got as a gift on Emma's anniversary has turned into a chrysalis.  I know the picture isn't great, but it's in a cup.  Again, new life.


And the reality.  The swelling has come down a lot, but the ankle doesn't look good and has a ways to go. I can walk on it, but I'm being careful not to do so to much and hinder healing since I don't want this process to take loner than it already is going to.

I'm trying to hang in there.  It just gets hard.