Wednesday, September 21, 2016

Graduating!!

Today was an exciting day!  I graduated from my RE for the very last time.  I had my final appointment and Mary is doing fantastic.  He/she was dancing around for me and putting on a show and everything measured on point.  I found out that very first RE gave me the wrong EDD, so my RE said it's really 4/6 and that puts me at almost 12 weeks.

Mary measured 11w4d today and had a strong heartbeat of 170.

For the past week I've had extreme anxiety and I even woke up in the motn last night in a panic over this appointment and some contract work I'm doing.  I'm feeling so much better and I'm glad I have therapy tonight.  I think the whole illness thing really kicked me into PTSD and I want to talk about that because illness happens.

Thank to everyone who's been supportive and nice and understanding that this is a scary pregnancy for me, but I'm doing the best I can day by day. I've come a long way from where I once was and healing is a process.  Your comments and support have meant the world to me.



Now a small update on my oldest daughter.  She's doing okay.  She's definitely traumatized from the barium enema and the hospital wanted to do another, even worse test on her.  I don't know if she needs all that, so right now I'm going to bump that test into later in the year and get a second opinion from a diff GI on 10/27.  This also gives time to see how she's doing. Hopefully she'll be doing okay and it was just major constipation that really needed to get cleaned out.

Saturday, September 17, 2016

Never-ending Fear

I can't believe I even let my mind go to announcing or even thinking this could have a happy ending.  I'm honestly just back in my cluster of fear and it takes so little to put me there.

I got sick on Tuesday.  I was okay that morning and then as the day went on I felt worse and worse.  Close to when I was leaving work was so nauseated I thought I was going to pass out.  Then I just felt like ice.  When I walked through the door my mom said I had no color and felt warm.  I had a temp of 100.2.  It climbed throughout the day as I panicked.  I had no illness symptoms other than fever, shakes, and chills.  No sneezing, congestion, nothing.  I was really losing it when it hit 101 about two hours after the initial temp.  I took tylenol and tried to figure out what to do.

The ER wouldn't care.  I'm only 10 weeks, that's like I'm not even pregnant to them.  My RE.  Did they even have an emergency thing in place?  I had no clue.  My OB hasn't seen me yet.  I thought let me just try and get sleep and make it to morning.  I can call my RE and maybe get in for b/w and an u/s.  My fear was an infection, like with Emma and Chase.  At 1 something in the morning it was at 102 and the tylenol hadn't made much of a diff.  I decided to try my RE and sure enough they had an emergency line.  IMO my RE was a real jerk.  Told me it was "probably" viral and to take tylenol and not worry.  Not worry?  Last time I had a fever while pregnant, I lost two children.

I took the tylenol and it did help, I was finally able to get some sleep.  In the morning I tried my OB, but he wasn't in that day.  They offered to get me in with one of his partners, but it would be later that day and b/w results wouldn't be until the following day.  All I could think was Mary was already gone.  I had no rational though, I'd been fight or flight since I first took my temp.  I ended up going to the minor emergency clinic by my house.  It was a virus, as my RE thought, but it took b/w to confirm it.  They also checked me for flu and pneumonia. I know they thought I was crazy, but my last 3 fevers were the following:

1. E.coli-hospitalization
2. blood infection-hospitalization and the stillbirth of Emma and Chase
3. Pneumonia-very sick for a month and ended up with an URI after.

They used a doppler for all of a second to alieve my concerns about Mary and sent me home.  I didn't get much of a fever on Wed, but I was very lethargic and had sweats and chills all day long.  I took it easy.  Thurs I had it even milder and went back to work.  Yesterday I was mostly okay.

I am still emotionally terrified and I realized, once again, that very little is separating Mary from life and death.  I don't know how she's ever going to make it.  I don't trust my body and I don't trust doctors.  I am the only one in the family who was sick this week.  I am just petrified.

I am upset with my RE.  I spent $200 on a visit that should've cost $25.  He should've had me take the tylenol and come in first thing for b/w and an u/s and then sent me home.  Instead I ended up at an emergency center.  My RE has never even checked up on me.  I'll go to final appt Wed, but I'm ready to be done.  My OB's office really did try, I was just too terrified to think right at that point.  I'll see him on 9/29.


Monday, September 12, 2016

Better days

So, I've calmed down A LOT since my prior meltdown and I'm doing better.  Had a conversation with someone Friday that really helped me.  It more than helped me, it was therapeutic and helped me move forward in my grieving, because I think I've become a bit stuck, especially being pregnant again.

I'm feeling a LOT more positive about "Mary".  Am I still scared?  Yes, I don't see much changing with that throughout the pregnancy and if I'm lucky, I'll be feeling scared until April.  However, I feel less doom and gloom.  I feel more excited about Mary as well.

I'm dealing with some guilt issues regarding Emma, Chase, and Ivy.  Different reasons for all 3, but still guilt.  I realized on Friday I need to stop looking at death as a bad thing.  It's a bad thing for ME.  I am sad.  I miss them.  I want them.  However, THEY are okay.  THEY are not hurting or suffering.  I'm trying to reframe myself into my feelings being mine and not projecting onto them.

Katie....  Still no answers from out appt on Thursday.  I called the GI to leave a message.  I am trying some gluten free stuff for both of us.  I apparently can't find a thyroid doctor, but I can do some things with diet and supps, so I'm going to approach it that way and focus on what I can control.  Gluten may or may not be affecting Katie, but it's worth a try.  I honestly rely a lot on gluten, so I'm working on cutting down and trying some substitution items and hopefully I can cut out.  I'm admittedly a very picky eater, which sucks.  However, I'm starting to make changes.

I'm not sure when to announce my pregnancy out in the open.  I originally thought 10/5 was a good date, I thought it would honor my 3 angels because the twins c/s date was 10/5 and Ivy's due date was 10/5, but now I feel like it would dishonor them.  I dunno, just really torn.

Just wanted to update for anyone interested that I'm mostly doing okay right now.

Thursday, September 8, 2016

Vent-feel free to skip

I'm breaking down crying right now and I just have to get this out.  I doubt anyone even cares, so I'm just going to post here.  I just can't fucking anymore.  Just no.

I had to take Katie to the GI today, for a complaint I've had since she was TWO WEEKS old.  She turns 3 in December.

The GI was like, she's had issues for THIS LONG and she's just now here???  I'm feeling like POS mother of the year. I've brought this up to her pedi at every visit. He ordered an x-ray barium enema for today at the hospital because he was seriously concerned.

My poor, sweet, girl.  Thanks to home enemas for a week and two x-rays, she's already traumatized.  She starts to scream and cry at the very mention of a doctor.  Every day I have to assure her the following:

1. No x-ray
2. No doctor
3. No poo poo medicine

Today we had to do all 3. She was happy before and after the actual procedure, luckily. I can't be in the x-ray with her because of "Mary", so DH is there with her, but of course she wants mama, so I'm crying in the waiting room while I hear her scream outside.  I get her home.  She's calm, no BM, no pain, she's happy.  I put her down for nap, because it's been a looooong day and she's been through a lot.  She doesn't nap, she's a happy girl. She's quietly playing with toys.  I'm dead tired, been up since 1:30 am.  I start laundry, checking the crockpot dinner, catching up on work stuff, just trying to get done what I can.  I get her about an hour later because she's not napping and I don't like her to just be in her room.

I walk in to what I can't even describe.  She blew up all over her whole room.  The carpet everywhere, bedroom furniture, every stuffed animal, blanket, pillow case.  I have no words to describe except to say her room is brown.  I had to throw away the large green rug and spent over an hour scrubbing the rest.  DH had to scrub her while she screamed because she hates showers, but it was on her feet, toes, chest, everywhere.  She still had on a diaper.  A complete nightmare.

I'm so upset I couldn't get a fucking doctor to take this shit seriously for a long time now and now she has to go through all this.  I'm fucking tired of doctors.  I was scared to death about Emma and Chase.  This is why I switched OBs at 15 weeks.  No one was taking me seriously.  Every appt, I hurt, I feel horrible, I'm tired.  Here, take tylenol.  Tylenol masks fever.  I'm bleeding, I'm scared.  The u/s looks fine, urine is good.  They died.  My babies fucking died.  Now I'm pregnant again and can I trust any doctor? No.  I have to stay with who I had with the twins, because they'll at least take it more seriously.  I have to trust people I don't trust to protect "Mary" because my body can't do it.

My thyroid.  I can't get a fucking doctor to take this seriously.  Oh, your Hashimoto's isn't THAT bad.  You're on progesterone so it's okay your t3 is low.  It's not fucking okay.  It's not.

I can't anymore.  I'm just broken and scared and I don't know why it's so hard to get people to listen, to care, to do something.

I'm sure anyone who even took the time to make it this far (if anyone) is probably like there goes pregnant lady losing her mind over nothing.  I just seriously can't anymore.  I am so scared.  How is "Mary" even going to make it?  I'm only 9 weeks?  16 to viability.  A long ass time to term.  Viability only means a "chance", that's it.

Tuesday, September 6, 2016

Anger

I've been feeling upset a lot for the past few weeks.  It started as a depression, but morphed.  I get mad at DH for EVERYTHING.  He's an awesome, laid back guy.  Anyone who's met him, knows that he is truly one of a kind, will do anything for me guy.  Lately though, I can hardly stand him.  He just tells me good morning, and I feel rage.  I've been fighting with him on every little thing, just really not being myself.  I blamed hormones, mainly pregnancy.

Tonight it hit me.  I'm not sure how or why it hit me, but I'm angry because of grief. I was talking to a good friend of mine.  This is someone who became a really good friend to me AFTER I lost my twins.  Her DD is the same age as Kate and she pulled me out of the house that first summer, listened to me cry, gave me hugs, brought me food, shopped with me for flag supplies, lets me bring them up whenever I want and acts casual about it, which is what I need.  So, she is due one week ahead of me, but she's having twins.  I'm being a supportive friends, but it hurts.  It just does. I started getting angry that her twins (I assume the best) will be fine and mine weren't.  I'm not mad she's having twins, I'm mad mine are gone.  I started realizing as I was talking to her that my anger has to do with my grief.

I'm angry that the future I had planned changed.  I'm angry that I will never raise ALL of my kids.  I'm angry that my dreams and what I see in the future is different from what it once was.  I'm mad that Emma, Chase, and Ivy are gone.  I'm mad and I'm hurt.  I'm not mad at my husband, it's not hormones, it's grief, it's loss.  It's being angry that they are gone and yes, I'll remember them, and yes, I'll honor them, but they are gone.  When I picture my future it's Kate and the baby I'm currently carrying.  It's all it could ever be.

For almost a year now, my therapist asks, where is the anger?  I don't really allow myself to feel it or exhibit it, but here it is.  The anger is here, but what do I do?

"Mary" update

I had my 9 week appointment today and things are still looking good.  "Mary" is measuring 9w1d with a strong h/b of 174.  I suspect girl, but gender doesn't matter.  The sacs seemed to be gone now too and I'm trying to find peace by telling myself all 3 became one amazing baby that's going to be just fine, now if I can keep believing it.  Right now I'm feeling optimistic, but that comes and goes.

I've been having lots of symptoms, emotional is probably the biggest one.  I feel bad for DH, but I am a bitch and there's no other way to put it.  I feel so bad for how I am and I'm trying to be better.  I cried over the weekend and that helped.  I just felt so overwhelmed and drowning with everything.

DH and I have decided to make the pregnancy "public" on 10/5/16, assuming all is well.  This was my EDD with Ivy and my scheduled c/s date with Emma and Chase, so technically all my angels were due then.  The announcement will honor ALL my kids and I'll share once I have it ready, probably closer to the end of the month.

Okay, that's the good stuff.  The not so good stuff:

Kate is having serious bowel issues. We've had concerns her whole life, her first appointment for this concern was at two weeks old and it's been an issue ever since.  It's taken a turn for the worse and I finally have a GI appt for her Thursday.  Hoping we can get some answers and have my sweet girl feel better.  It's been a nightmare for her and hard for us as parents to try to help her.

I saw a new thyroid doctor on Friday.  I was hoping this one would really be great since he was so recommended everywhere.  He told me I don't even have a thyroid issue at all (first one say that) and that my symptoms/issues are pregnancy and gastric bypass related.  I was very upset and right now I'm just done. Done.  No one will give me the right meds or help me, so it's just whatever.  I don't know what to do anymore.

Here's a picture at 9 week old "Mary"

Saturday, August 27, 2016

Another struggling post

I feel sad.  I'm very overwhelmed in life right now with my jobs, with a health issue regarding Katie, just everything seems to be piling up on me.  While I was happy to see a h/b the day of the ultrasound, the reality that Mary started out as 3 and now is one is getting to me.

My therapist was on vacation last week, so Monday will be two weeks since I've seen her.  I honestly feel like I'm near a breaking point.  Not a personal safety kind of breaking point, but just emotional.  I don't cry easily and honestly my whole chest feels packed like sardines.

I'm having a hard time feeling optimistic about the baby I do have.  For some reason 2/3 of this pregnancy is gone and didn't make it.  Still unsure if these were babies or not since the sacs were empty and not sure how to place all of this in my mind and my heart.  Since two of them are gone, it makes me pessimistic for the third.  What happened?  And why is this one okay so far?  Am I going to lose this one too?  I'm panicking since I'm really expecting not to see a heartbeat next time I go.  I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack over it.  A few days before my last ultrasound my symptoms significantly dropped and have continued that way.  I hardly feel anything now, I know it's because my body recognized what happened and I'm probably producing less hormones than before.

I have 0 doctor monitoring my thyroid.  I just couldn't do the heart palps with everything else.  It got better after the decrease, but never went away.  This week I just felt like I couldn't take it anymore when I was lying there in the motn with my heart pounding.  Two days after stopping synthroid the palps went away completely.  It's been a relief, but I know my thyroid is not okay.  I know the synthroid wasn't helping, but I'm having a hard time finding anyone who will help me.

FB just reminded me that 3 years ago today, I reached viability with Katie.  Will I ever reach that with Mary?  Just seems so far away and so many roadblocks.  I'm having weird pains and cramping this morning and I'm panicking.

I think that's it, I feel like I'm in a state of panic right now.  I just don't know.  I know this post is all over the place, I'm just grieving, I think about my other 3 kids nonstop lately, the two sacs, scared about Mary, worried about Katie, issues with my job, plus general life stuff and I'm overwhelmed and can't process. I feel like a failure when it comes to everything right now.