Sunday, January 25, 2015

2nd follie check update

I'm really depressed and honestly want to break down and cry.  I hate IF so bad.  I hate all of this.  My stupid body isn't responding very well, and why do I find myself surprised?  I have DOR.  I'm really wondering if my body has changed a lot in the past two years or maybe that one cycle was just one in a million.

Anyways, here's the update:

Left side: 28 and 14
Right side: 19 and 16

My e2 came back at 230.  This means I only have one viable follie right now, the 19.  The 28 is shot.  It's an empty shell.  The 14 and 16 are possibilities.  The 16 more than the 14.  My lining is a 10.2.

Here's my calendar thus far:

CD 3-7   Femara 5 mg
CD 6-7   Gonal F 75 iu, Menopur 75 iu
CD 8-9   Gonal F 150 iu, Menopur 75 iu

I'm to continue Gonal F 150 iu and Menopur 75 iu tonight.  U/s tomorrow morning at 9:00.  We'll see.....

I'm not hopeful at all.

Friday, January 23, 2015

1st follie check update

I had my first follie check today.  I'm CD 8.  Here's the schedule so far:

CD 3-7 Femara 5 mg.
CD 6-7 Gonal F 75 iu, Menopur 75 iu

My left had one huge follie at 24 mm and my right had two smaller ones at 14 mm.  My lining is 8.2.  I was very concerned about the 24 mm follie since that's clearly large enough to ovulate.  However my e2 was only at 94.  The plan is to stim two more days, go in CD 10, probably trigger and then IUI on Tuesday, CD 12.

So here's the plan:

CD 8-9 Gonal F 150 iu, Menopur 75 iu.

Follie check CD 10.  I'll update on Sunday, but my strong guess says I'll trigger that day. Not sure how to feel.  I'm just like we'll wait and see. Can't really guess how it's going to turn out, but I hope for the best.  It's been hard going cycle after cycle again.  It doesn't feel like a new fight, but the same one.

Saturday, January 17, 2015

Let the games begin......

NYE I saw my RE and so did DH to get our testing redone. My AMH came back the highest ever at .70 and my AFC was even 11 and that was on cd 9.  Craziness.  In the end though, it doesn't really  matter.  It's still DOR and that hasn't changed.  At least it didn't get worse.  DH's SA came back okay.  Morph was on the low side at 6%, but what I'm finding shows it's fine if it's above 4.  He's taking some vitamins my RE gave him and I'm taking vitamin D (mine was low), some pill to lower prolactin.  My prolactin was normal, but I'm still lactating a bit, so he put me on it to try and dry me up.  So far no change.  I'm also back on glumetza because my reactive hypglycemia is quite bad.  My fasting sugar was normal at 89, one hour a bit of a spike at 129, and the second hour a staggering drop at 26.  Amazing I didn't pass out in the office.

Anyways.....  AF came yesterday and here I am back on the treatment bandwagon.  It's been 13 natural cycles since Katie and this starts the 14th.  I had my baseline yesterday.  My AFC was 10-12 (we're calling it a dozen eggs) and I start Femara 5 mg tomorrow.  On Wednesday I'll start my injections, 75 iu Gonal-F and 75 iu Menopur.  on Friday, 1/23, I'll go in for my first follie check.

I'm scared out of my mind.  I feel I got lucky with it working so well last time.  Terrified I won't have the same outcome.  We'll see....  

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Happy Birthday Katie!

I can't believe it.  Happy Birthday to my sweet, wonderful, amazing Kate Lyn!  How is it possible that a year's gone by already?

I'm not even sure how to describe it, except to say it's been the most amazing and incredible year ever.  She has filled my life with all the love and light I could ever imagine.  I love her more and more each moment.  It's been an honor to see her personality develop as she's grown older.

Here's the hard part.  When you're holding that newborn you hear "enjoy every moment.  It goes by so fast."  I did that.  The late night's, the crying, all of it.  I have more pictures of her in this year that I do the 18 years my husband and I have been together.  I've tried to video, take pictures of, and savor every single moment-good and hard.  As I said, the hard part?  All you ever get is a moment.  They change so fast and so rapidly that the minute you get used to anything, the minute you're like, "oh, look!" It's gone and over and done.  

I had a hard time accepting my precious girl turning 1.  I'm not sure why, but it's been very emotional to me.  I'll never get this year again and for some reason I feel the next 17 years will go by like this too and then one day she'll be on her own, or a teenager who would rather by with friends than with mom (as a teenager should).  I just want to keep her in my arms forever. 

Here's a little look at Katie's first year and who my little girl has become.

I love these pictures because each one shows  a little piece of her personality.  She is smart and so funny  She has one heck of a personality.  Most of these picture were not easy to take.  For some reason she's great until I need to really get a picture, and then she's like "No!"  

Lets take a look at Katie a year ago.

And my precious girl now

How happy she makes me

I love my family!

Who is Katie and what can she do?  This poster was made the day before her birthday party.  The day of her party, 12/13/14, Katie decided to walk 3-4 steps.  So I'd do this differently now, lol.  But it's Katie's way ;-)

Wishing my sweet Katie a wonderful and awesome first birthday!!  Oh, and happy 34th birthday to me too today.

Sunday, December 14, 2014


I just wanted to do a quick update.  Hubby finally got a job and started on 12/8.  He's really liking his new job.  We've decided to jump on the treatment wagon.  I'm currently on cycle 12 of TTC for Katie's sibling and nada, of course.

I'm going to go in for my CD 3 testing as soon as I get AF, which should be around Christmas.  DH is getting his SA on NYE.  Hoping to do treatments either Jan or Feb, but it depends on how my body is doing and how much it's all going to cost.  We were on the verge of selling our house due to the unemployment.

Nothing else real exciting here.  Ready for winter break already!

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

9 months old....

I woke up yesterday the mother of a 9 month old.  I looked at this beautiful, gorgeous girl in awe.  How is it possible she's really 9 months?  How is it possible I ever went a day of my life without her?  Love doesn't even begin to describe how much she means to me.  She is amazing and wonderful in every way that I can imagine.  She can now sit on her own, crawl, pull-up, and she's walking with her walker.  I know soon she'll try to stand independently and soon take those first few steps.  She is absolutely gorgeous and has the most amazing personality.  She's really funny and I can tell she's going to have a great sense of humor like her dad.  She's pretty independent, which means I don't get as many cuddles with her, but at the same time she can do independent play.

Motherhood is more than I could ever dream and even on the hard days and the long nights, I thank my lucky stars she is mine.

Here's her her progression pics all together of the past 9 months.  She's gone from fitting in preemie clothes to wearing 24 month clothes.  She was born 6 lbs. 11 oz, 17.75" long.  For height she was only in the 2nd percentile and for weight she was 20th percentile.  Now?  She's 29" long and 23 lbs. 13 oz.  This puts her in the 93rd percentile for height and 98th percentile for weight.  Has she ever grown! Each one of these pics shows a little piece of her personality.

I know there hasn't been any update from me all summer.  I was hoping to update that my husband has found the job.  Unfortunately, that is not the case.  4 months later, my husband remains unemployed.  He has another interview tomorrow, so maybe that will change soon.  We've had to almost sell our house, but there was a glitch with the health insurance and basically we don't have any (just an emergency plan to cover Katie), but it allows my income to pay the mortgage for now.  Really hope he is hired by the end of 2014 or else tough decisions are ahead of us.

So, TTC.  I'm currently at the tail end of cycle 8, and cycle 9 should be starting anywhere Friday through the weekend.  I've given up in my heart that I'm going to get a natural BFP.  It doesn't stop me from timing things right, but my heart doesn't break when AF shows.  I just surrender to it.  Not because I have Katie and it doesn't matter anymore, but because I've just accepted that until I can do some kind of treatment, the chances of conception are extremely low.  I'd give more than anything to give this girl a sibling and I hope this is in her future.

Well, this is pretty much the update I have for now.  Hoping to update soon with happier news regarding the job situation.

Friday, May 30, 2014

Post-Partum Anxiety

Since having Katie, I haven't felt "right".  I've had some issues, I've been more emotional and a little bit obsessive at times.  The house must be cleaned all the time, constantly washing bottles, washing her bedding, lots of laundry.  I've been more withdrawn at work, hiding even.  Not as chatty with co-workers.  Doing my job, but that's it.  I'm more of the "above and beyond" kind of worker and I haven't been.  I worry a lot, I have trouble sleeping even though she's been sleeping through the night for the last month.  My cats annoy me more lately.  I feel very paranoid, I think my friends don't like me, my co-workers hate me, etc.

A lot of these I've dismissed.  I told myself I was just tired, work was annoying, etc.  I didn't really acknowledge that this was getting in my day to day work.  Well, yesterday I kinda had to.

I had my evaluation at work.  I was dreading this.  Now, my boss and I are good friends.  However, since having Katie I've hardly spoken to her.  I freaked out once when I thought I got a mean look, convinced she now hated me, etc.  I've pretty much been avoiding her.  I read my evaluation before meeting with her and it wasn't my usual one.  I kinda knew it wasn't going to be.  It wasn't bad, but it wasn't Amber goes above and beyond. It was Amber does her job.  She sat me down and looked at me and said "talk to me".  I'm like, what?  She says, tell me about your year.  Mainly tell me about your year before Katie and after Katie.  And I got emotional and just said a lot of things, not sure any of it made sense.  She told me she was worried about me.  She apologized for not talking to me sooner and said I do my job, but it's not the same.  She said my teammates were worried about me too.  We talked for a long while, she gave me a huge hug.  Again, it wasn't a bad evaluation, it was honest and true.

I finished out my day, but kept thinking about what she said.  I looked up the only thing people talk about as it related to postpartum-postpartum depression.  Nope!  Clicked out.  I AM bonded with my baby, I love her, I don't regret having her.  In fact, I wish the world would go away and leave me alone with her forever.  Hmmmm.....  This isn't normal either.  I panic when I'm away from her.  At work, I obsessively check out developmental milestones, babycenter, looking for new toys, ideas, everything.  Katie, Katie, Katie.  On my phone I stare at pictures, videos, anything of hers I can get.  I count down hours, minutes until I see her.  I live for an email update on how she's doing that day.  I'm paranoid.

I start googling post-partum anxiety and I see very few things, but what I do see, seem to fit a bit better.  I texted my boss last night and thanked her.  She said she's just worried and wants me to get help and that she's there for me.  I'm really lucky this is my boss.  I can say a lot of bad things about my job, A LOT, but I can say I have some of the most caring people as members of my team.  Anyways, even though we really aren't in a financial position for this I'm going to call my acu and see about getting some help, even a few supps I can take.  I'm also going to call my OB and see about it.  And just see what else I can do.