Thursday, May 25, 2017

Emma Lee - 2 years

Here it is, two years later. In some ways it feels like a lifetime ago that I gave birth to my sweet, beautiful girl. In some ways it feels like a dream that never happened. I only had hours out of one day to hold her in my arms, look at her, talk to her, kiss her, sing to her. In some ways, it was yesterday. I remember it so vividly. Every moment of my sitting in my bed, putting together favors for the gender reveal, to timing the contractions and seeing I had 14 in one hour, to reaching for the thermometer and noticing that I had a fever, even on Tylenol. Calling my mom to watch Katie so I could get checked out, so that I could have peace of mind at the reveal......

So many thoughts and emotions, many of them conflicting each other. I remember when I was new to the loss, only hours into it, the rush of others to come support me. The rush of people who were there to say "me too", I'm this far out from the loss of my kid/kids. Being added to a multiples loss group. Within hours I went from a mom of multiples group to a loss mom of multiples group. What I hate to admit out loud, but it was true? I didn't want those people. I didn't want anyone telling me how they'd made it x long without their kids. I didn't want to hear it because I dind't want to live it. I didn't want to be them. I didn't want to go through the rest of my life with the kind of pain you get when your kids die. I didn't want it, didn't know how to make it.

I'm one of those people. I welcome people to the multiples loss group, in one of my mom groups, someone lost their child at 18 weeks and here I am rushing to support her, to tell her I'm here. To tell her how I've done it, continue doing it. She asks how do you move on from this? You don't. I was told that too and it's true, you don't. It's never okay that your kids are gone, it's never okay that this happened. However, it did happen and somehow you pick up a broken heart, you pick up the pieces and you keep walking. Some days you feel more whole than others. But you never forget, you never stop thinking about them, stop wondering about them. Those people helped me so much, actually, I had and continue to have so much support. I still don't know why. I don't know why people care about me, about them. I'm lucky and grateful for it.

I wish I had more pictures. I wish I'd spent more time holding and looking at her. I wish I'd read to her. I didn't think to do that, surely someone would've gotten me a children's book. I did sing to her, I talked to her, I held her, I looked at her. I still remember it vividly. I wish she were in my home today, not in an urn, but driving me insane with her brothers and sisters. I wonder what life would've been like had I brought her home.

Emma Lee, you were perfect. Not a thing wrong with you. I wish life had turned out differently for us both. I would've done anything for you, anything. I hope you know that. I hope you know how much I miss you, how a piece of me is with you always. You will always belong to me, you'll always be my second born daughter. The mini Kate, as you looked to me when I held you.

I love you Emma.

Sunday, May 21, 2017

Post Partum Depression

I went back and forth on if I had this when I first brought Anna home, but decided I didn't. I figured it's a lot of adjustment to go from raising one to two, plus there's been a lot of extra crap going on, lack of sleep, etc. After thinking more about it Friday and Saturday, I think I do have it and my emotions have escalated in the past week.

I feel like a complete and utter failure as a mom, wife, friend, daughter, everything. I have no energy or motivation for anything. Even when Anna has good nights, as in, wakes up, eats, and goes back to sleep, so I get a decent amount of sleep, even if it is broken up, I have no energy at all. It's as if I never slept. When DH takes a night shift, then I still have no energy. I pump as much as I can, but I lack the energy to do that and then the fact that I only provide enough milk for 2.5 bottles a day makes me even more upset about it. I take so much stuff to try and produce milk. Some days it just seems like why? Then I look at her and I know.

I feel so undeserving of my kids. All of them. I feel like I deserve the infertility I had because I'm such a shitty mom. I feel like I can hardly keep it together and take care of my home, how the hell was I going to manage with twins? I feel like they were taken from me because I would've been a horrible mom to them and I didn't deserve them, so now they are gone. I don't feel I deserve Katie and Anna either.

I want to cry all the time, just cry and cry and cry and sleep. I want to sleep and not wake up (not suicidal). I just don't want to deal with life anymore. I feel bonded to my girls, I love them with all my heart, but I hate my life. I'm snappy, I swing around all kinds of moods. I feel like I'm horrible to Katie and she's just a typical 3 year old and I feel like I'm nonstop getting onto her, then I break down crying in front of her. What kind of mom am I? I snap at DH, I've lost it with my mom a few times. I feel like I can't keep myself together. I am so awful. I took this contract job because I wasn't getting as much money as I thought with my leave and it's been a disaster. I'm driving hours and miles all over town. I quit and this upcoming week will be my last, I only have to drive Monday and Tuesday. I'm dreading it so much. I went ahead and applied for summer school and I should know in a day or two if I got that job. I'm assuming I will, if anything, due to lack of applicants.

At this moment, everyone is asleep but me. I'm drinking coffee. Usually I'd be happy and relaxed, but I just feel blank and anxious, so anxious. I hate my life. I don't know how it's ever going to be okay. The anniversaries of Emma and Chase are coming up this week and I can't do anything for them because it all seems pointless. They are gone, they are not here, they will never be here. I don't deserve them, don't deserve any of them. I have these beautiful and perfect girls. They are so wonderful. Katie is full of life and adventure and has an opinion on everything. She's obsessed with being "doctor" and Doc McStuffins and there's millions of checkups a day. She knows the name of every medical tool, it's amazing. Her language and comprehension have grown and she has some complex thoughts. Anna is just a laid back sweetheart. She's chill, but refuses to be in the light of her sister, she shines on her own. When she wants to get noticed, she will voice herself. She's all about the milestones, she tracks, she does this army crawl thing and moves around, and she has a very strong core and is good neck/head support. She's always lifting her head straight up and I've started putting her in the seater for a little bit here and there and she loves it.  My husband is supportive, involved, he helps me where he can. My mom comes over and helps where she can too.

All of this good and I'm broken and sad and just crying. Right now I just want to go back to bed and cry and sleep. My weight is terrible, my diet is terrible. I feel so guilty for all of this. I wanted this so bad and what in the hell is wrong with me? Why am I such a piece of shit? No matter what I'm this worthless, awful piece of shit, that somehow got an amazing family I don't deserve and I'm letting them all down. I don't understand why I'm kept on this Earth when I bring nothing good to it (not suicidal).

Anyways, that's part of why it's been hard to blog. I come here to write and then I sit and stare and then just say nevermind. I'm not as active on my communities either. I'm sure they all think I got my babies and now I've deserted them, even though I try not to. I go on and read and then I can't respond. I hate being such a piece of shit, I really do. People deserve better from me.

Sunday, May 14, 2017

Friday, May 12, 2017

May Madness

Almost halfway through my most hated month-May. This is my second May since losing the twins and it's been hard. Having Anna has made me think about them a lot. Lets begin with the fact that Anna looks so much like Chase that I find myself wondering how his personality would be in my head. Having her here, and be real, makes me imagine them all the more. I can picture them and I think about all the differences between Kate and Anna and wonder how would they be? Where would they fit into the spectrum?

I also wonder things I'm not proud of. It's been hard to be up every few hours at night with Anna and then in the day there's Katie. I'm trying to be a good mom, trying to give her all the love and attention, but I'm tired, I'm stressed out, I'm sad, I'm happy, I'm just so much going on all at once and she's so go, go, go that it's hard to be the best mom to her right now. There's a lot more TV and iPad time that I'm proud to admit. I'm shorter with her than I like to admit. I give candy easily as treats or rewards for compliance. I do things with her, but not as much as I should.

When Kate was a baby when she was sleeping I could catch up around the house, drink coffee, just zone out for a bit. I didn't have to keep everything going so much, steady meals, house picked up, never ending piles of laundry, etc. Also with Katie, I could focus solely on her. Now I find myself having a hard time focusing on Anna if Katie is awake and home because she's constantly wanting or needing something, so I'm missing out on just holding her while she sleeps.

I keep thinking.. how would I have ever managed twins? This is so hard I can't even picture how I'd do it. Oh, I know I'd figure it out. This has already gotten easier. I found the right swaddle for Anna at night and my precious girl wakes up to eat, change, and then sleep. It's just every 2-3 hours and then lasting about an hour. I go through two rounds and then I have to stay up because I need to get the house ready for my mom to come over, get Katie's pre-school stuff ready, catch up on chores. I'm also doing a contract job because I really need the money. I'm getting less pay than I expected, so there's that now too I'm trying to fit in. I also hate that I have to work. I know I'm lucky to have found a job and much of it is from home, but I do have to drive all over the city and I just want to be home with my girls.

I feel so guilty about these thoughts though. Almost like I'm saying good they aren't here because I don't know how I'd handle it? It's not what I mean at all though. I wish they were here, I wish they'd made it, I wish I had all of them. I'm just so everywhere right now. I feel very lost.

I was thinking about what to do for their two year anniversary and I just don't want to do anything. I just feel sad and empty that they're gone. I miss them. I wonder and think about them.

However, the girls I get to raise, even in the tough moments, light up my life. Here's a few goodies of Anna I recently got.

Stroller ride on a pretty day. Isn't she gorgeous? Her outfit is 0-3 months. Still some room in there.

She lights up my face with her precious smile. She's such a calm and happy baby. She LOVES water and bath time. Currently she gets a nightly bath with me as part of night night routine. We both love it. I did this with Katie too and it's just so much fun bonding. We do it after Katie goes to bed so there's no jealousy.

Big sister, Kate, has been so sweet. Poor girl is getting over a cold, but she's been trying to interact with Anna more and I'm loving seeing them together. Hoping to get some more pics over Mother's Day Weekend.

Friday, April 28, 2017

Anna's Nursery

It's finally finished and ready to show off! I had a lot of help with this nursery and most if it was customized for her. It has the most peaceful feel in there and I just love it!!!

One month pic and update

Time really flies. How is my Anna already one month old??? Seriously, I can't believe it. In some ways it feels like she's been mine forever, she just fits. In other ways, I'm still in disbelief that she's here, she's mine, and she's thriving.

I've had my struggles. I have PPA (Post-Partum Anxiety), I had it with Katie and so far it's manageable. I mostly get intrusive thoughts, every horrible infant abuse story I picture her. I constantly see her dead and I check to see if she's alive. I'm obsessed with making sure she's not starving, some of this has to do with b/f struggles, I know. I've had a hard time with her looking so much like Chase, because some poses are similar to the pics I took and that makes me think something is wrong and I go check on her. I know the similarity thing will change over time since he'll stay as I remember him and she'll change.

There is a new wave of grief as I think about all my kids and how amazing it would be to have all 5 with me, although insanely tough too. I think about how the twins might've been especially as newborns. I don't dwell on it nonstop, but it's there in the background. I feel incredible joy at having Anna and bringing her home, she's just amazing. It's this combo mixture that's hard to describe.

I struggle with BFing. I had a breast reduction and I can't fully meet her needs. I supplement right now. I'm having a hard time pumping, so I'm extra frustrated with it and right now I'm nursing, supplementing, and hand expressing to help add to her bottles. I see an LCBC next week and that should help. Trying to do all I can to keep production up as much as possible. I also take six different supps and a tea to help increase the milk. I started most of these within an hour of giving birth.

Katie has had a hard time transitioning to our new family. She went from being fully pee trained to several accidents. She wanted the pacifier (was never into this as an infant or anything), tantrums, getting mad when I was nursing or caring for the baby and choosing inappropriate behaviors at that time, not listening or following directions, just a lot of "non typical Katie behaviors" and it's been hard to see my sweet girl disappear. I also feel guilt because I did this, I went out of my way to try and have Anna and it caused all this in Katie. She's only three and doesn't fully understand.  However, the past three days I've had my sweet Katie back. She's been peeing in the potty, using her words instead of crying/tantruming/screaming, and she's calmed down a lot. I hope it's her getting used to everything, but time will tell.

I'm trying hard to meet the needs of both girl, the physical stuff and emotional. It's been a hard balance. Like most NBs, Anna sleeps a lot more in the day than at night and I'm lucky to have a DH who steps up on weekends to take Anna nights and then I get a few evenings a week to nap, but it's been a transition for us all.

Anna is an absolutely joy and sweetheart! She almost always has this half smile going on. She's very alert, likes to look around and see what's happening. She has good head control and can lift it for a good 30-60 seconds at a time. Most of the time she's very happy and she loves to be held and cuddles, which I love doing, lol.

So, without further adieu, here's Miss Anna Bell at one month old (yesterday).

For fun, there's a comparison between Kate and Anna. The similar posing is coincidence, lol! I don't think they look alike at all. It's going to be fun to see how Anna changes as she grows.

Sunday, April 16, 2017


So much I want to say, but honestly I'm struggling very much right now in a lot of different ways. I've had things I've wanted to post, but when I come to do it, I just sit and stare. I thought it was normal PP tired, adjust to two kids at home, etc. but it's a little bit more and it's hitting me more and more.

I'm safe, no worries about anything like that. I'm struggling though and even though right now I'm breaking down crying for a million different reasons, I know it's going to be okay and that I'll come out on the other side. I'll post when I can, as I am able to.

Thank you everyone who reaches out, who reads, who supports me, and who cares.

Happy Easter! Lots of love to you.