Monday, July 25, 2016

10 dpiui

I know I left the last one off on a cliffhanger and a few people have been wondering what's happened.  Yesterday I honestly wasn't sure and didn't feel too optimistic, then today's test put in "Phase 2".

I am cautiously optimistic to call this a BFP.  I will, of course, be testing, but right now I feel comfortable enough calling it.  Both the bottom tests are today, and the last one is only with a two hour hold.

So, naturally I'm feeling a million different ways.  I'm scared, so scared.  I'm trying to remain optimistic and keep my mind from going to questions, such as "how long with Mary will live?" "How many Mary's are there?"  I'm petrified of losing "Mary" and at the same time I'm so glad I've been given the chance to add to my family.  This definitely adds to my family regardless of outcome and I'm trying to make the most of each day with "Mary", something I unfortunately didn't do with Ivy.

Once I knew, I had to tell the hubs.  He's been very anxious and asking me all the time and very sad about the thought of Katie being our only living child.  With the help of a good friend, I obtained this shirt and little Miss Kate greeted "dada" in all her glory today.

Outside of a small circle of people, I'm not sharing this info right now, so the shirt will mostly be tucked away and hopefully can come out later.  

So, what's next?

7/26-I have an appt tomorrow with Thyroid specialist.  This is of utmost importance now.
7/29-I'll be 14 dpiui and this is the date of my beta.
8/1-Beta #2, assuming the first one is a strong number and also a consult with my RE.
8/12-I'll be 7 weeks and I'm guessing my viability ultrasound.  It should get scheduled on 8/1 so I'll know for sure then.
Viability is Katie's 3rd birthday 12/16!!  If I can make it here, then "Mary" has a "chance" at life.  Nothing is certain, of course.  My HEDD is 4/7/17.

It's a long, long road from here to bringing home a baby, but without a BFP, my journey would already be over.  I'm very lucky and grateful to be given this chance and I hope "Mary" will join our family in the same manner as her oldest sister. We will always remember and honor ALL of our children and I'm a lucky mom to all of them, including this pregnancy. One day at a time, today I am pregnant. 

Saturday, July 23, 2016

The final 2ww

So here I am, 8 dpiui, after today, it's going to be reality. Feels like a game show, am I going to phase 2 or is it game over?  Today it feels like game over, but even if I continue to play, the fear will be there.  For the first week I was pretty calm, after all, nothing much happens in the first week.  The second week?  That's when I struggle and since about Thurs, 6 dpiui, I've been having depression.

It started when a person I know gave birth to her twins on Thursday.  I am thrilled for her and it was good to see the whole family healthy, happy, and together.  Of course I thought about my own twins, my story, the one that ended differently than that.  It doesn't matter that it's been nearly 14 months, it still hurts.  It will always hurt.  I miss them.  I miss them all so much. 

Friday was better, but still hard.  I ended up going to a Pot Luck Memorial Dinner for an amazing person who passed away in June.  She was a friend and co-worker.  I got to know her more this year than before and even moreso the past couple of months.  She's the one who gave me the Femara I used this cycle. I'd like to think she's with my babies and cheering me on.  What seemed to her to be discarded meds she no longer needed were to me a chance at another life.  Another co-worker brought her month old daughter.  It was my second time seeing this precious baby and while the first time I easily held and looked at her, this time it hurt. I kept seeing all the newborn stuff babies do, the hands, the faces, the sounds, just all of it and my heart broke.  It broke because Katie's grown up so quick.  She's become a little girl, not a baby.  It broke because I have three amazing children I wish I could've seen and held at this stage and I won't get too.  Finally it broke, because this might be "game over."

Today I'm pessimistic, I'm moody.  I'm scared.  I'm so scared.  I don't feel like it worked.  I just don't.  My poor husband.  He keeps asking me if I know yet, wants to know when I'll know.  I'm delaying telling him that I'll most likely know in the next 48 hours.  That with Katie and the twins the test turned darker at 9 dpiui and with Ivy it was 10 dpiui.  Of course I always need a few days of darkening to feel secure in a bfp.  The trigger is faint, but still present, but I'll know how this worked or didn't in 48 hours.  It will devastate him if it doesn't. I can see it in his eyes and it kills me.

This sentiment is the torture of the two week wait.  In reality if I find out I passed phase one and onto phase two, I'll remain here.  If it's over, then it will be agony.  I will get through it because that's what we humans do.  We deal with our circumstances the best we can and move forward.  I have Katie and many walk away without any child to raise. 

I colored this picture.  I started yesterday and finished today.  Hanging onto that hope and agony as I colored each item. I felt like teenager with a flower, BFP, BFN, BFP, BFN.  It's torture. It's purgatory.

Tonight I'll have a relaxing bath and drink what I hope is my last glass of wine for quite a while and cry, hope, and despair. I'll cry for Katie who's growing up too fast for me, for Emma and Chase who I got to carry for 19 precious weeks, deliver their bodies, and hold each one for a few hours, for Ivy, the baby who got the worst of me.  The baby who felt the anguish I carried for his older siblings.  So much anguish it was hard to feel the love I had for him.  And for "Mary" who at this moment is only a dream, but begging for reality.

And we will see.

Tuesday, July 19, 2016

Kindness of others

There's one thing I've been amazed about since I lost Emma and Chase.  It's been the extreme kindness and support of people.  I'm going to honestly say, I don't think I'm that great a person at all.  In fact, I very much despise myself and yes, this is being addressing in therapy, but it's very slow going because I struggle more than I could ever explain.

Anyways, it started with the group of people I've met throughout my infertility journey and those close to me in my life.  I figured as time went on people would forget about me.  I know to me this is a major thing in my life, 3 of my kids are gone. No matter what happens with this cycle, rainbow or not, nothing will ever change the fact that they are gone and I miss them and I'd give anything to have them back.  My life is touched and changed.  I don't regret a single day with my kids, only that it was too short.  However, they are MY kids, so this is expected.  However, even though I'm now almost 14 months out from the loss of the twins and 5 months out from losing Ivy, people do care, people are still there for me.  I'm amazed, humbled, and honored.  I think this has to do more with my babies than with me, because again, I'm not that great a person.

I have people who have done random acts of kindness in the name of my kids, given me gift cards for a date night, keepsakes with my children's name on them, random messages and cards letting me know I'm being thought of, or pictures of rainbows, skies, and just things that make people think of my children in their day to day life.  All of this means so much to me.  I know there's people reading this blog who are praying and thinking of me and I probably have no idea who you are.  I'm seriously humbled and amazed and in tears over the kindness and caring my kids and I have received.  I hope everyone knows how much this means to me.  How real my kids are and how much they continue to exist in my world and will forever.

Yesterday, someone shared with me pictures that were colored in memory and thought of my children and I.  This person told me she's been thinking about us all a lot.  This was extra touching because even "Mary" was included.  A dream, prayer, and hope child.  Someone who isn't and may never be real.  We'll see.  When I said this, she said, that's why I made her picture rainbow colors. Someone spent time, with a vision, and us in thought.  I'm truly amazed.  I can't thank everyone enough for caring.

I wanted to share the pictures and she's going to send them to me.  I'll have to frame them once they're here and put them up, I can't wait!!

To everyone who supports me, thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

Friday, July 15, 2016

IUI Day - "Hail Mary"

Well, today was the big day.  I've been all kinds of emotions the past few days and even this morning I was so anxious I thought I was going to throw up.  I felt better once I picked up DH and I had so much love and support from the circle who knows what's going on.

I'm okay at the moment, my right side is hurting like hell.  I hope I get to bring home one more baby, but we will see.  It's out of my hands now and as best as I can I'm trying to "let go and let God," when fears come to my mind I'm trying to push them away, but it's hard.  I go to the "what if" scenario a lot.

So the stats. On paper it's really picture perfect.  You can't ask for anything better.  I'm scared for the amount of follies, but here's how the cycle ended up:
Right: 3 follies, 22, 21, 20
Estrogen: 323 (I did take Femara so this can only say so much, but for IUI it's a phenomenal number even without the Femara)
Lining: 8.66
Sperm: 11 million

I've been hanging onto this today to help me through it.

This morning I had my kids with me and lit candles to help bring me peace and acceptance that whatever happens, happens.  Some how, some way, it's going to be okay.

Everyone at my clinic was awesome.  I had a few coordinators walk into the room after the IUI just to tell me they were praying for me and wishing me luck.  The nurse practitioner who has done every successful IUI, Mary, did my IUI today even though the coordinators now do them, because she knew it was important to me.

Thursday, July 14, 2016


I'm just so incredibly scared.  What am I doing?  Is this right?  I want to run and hide.  I feel like I'm either going to get a BFN or multiples. I'm not trying to replace the children I lost, they aren't with me and I'll forever love and miss them.  I just wanted to raise more than one and have Katie grow up with a sibling.  I know the "consequence" or "side effect" of these treatments is the possibility of multiples. I also know the whole thing could just not work out.  I know even a BFP doesn't mean I'll bring home a living child(ren).

I'm second guessing myself.  Should I have walked away and not done this last chance?  I'm scared, so scared.  I just wanted more than one child at home.  Was that wrong?  Am I making a mistake?

Wednesday, July 13, 2016

Follie check #2 of "Hail Mary"

I had my second and last follie check and blood work this morning. Stats:

Left: Nothing
Right: 22, 21, 20
Lining: 8.66
E2: 323

Instructions-Trigger tonight at 11:00 pm and IUI on Friday at 11:00 am


To say I'm scared right now is an understatement.  I am downright terrified. Like petrified fear.  What am I scared of?  I'm scared it won't work.  I'm scared it will work.  I'm scared of multiples, actually, terrified of multiples. I'm scared of losing more baby/ies.

The right side has been the one that's given me success. With Katie I had one on the right, two on the left. With the twins, I had two on the right, one on the left.  I forget the failed cycle, but I can look.  I want to say one each.  With Ivy, I had two on my right, none on my left.  This is the first time I've ever had 3 on my right.  This is the highest my e2 has ever been.  I'm just scared.  Anything is possible and I can choose to risk and go and choose to run away and hide.

I want to run away because I'm so scared, but I want another baby.  I'd prefer Katie not grow up alone and this is the risk and chance I have to take for this to happen.  I don't have other options.  So on Friday I'll go in for the IUI and pray that somehow, someway, however this cycle turns out, that it's going to be okay.  That if there isn't conception, I can let go in my heart, accept the child I do get to raise and the others who live in my heart and go on.  That if there is conception that the child(ren) be healthy and born alive.  That if I lose another child, I can somehow find peace.  More than anything I hope for peace inside my heart, that's what's best for my family.

I thought my husband would be more scared, but he isn't.  He said lets just go with it and then whatever happens, we will be okay and deal with it.  I'm glad I have therapy tonight, but I am so scared I can barely breathe.

Please, God, just let it be okay.  Please.

Monday, July 11, 2016

Follie check #1 of "Hail Mary"

I had my first follie check this morning.  I'll go ahead and post the stats.

Left: Nothing
Right: 17, 15, 13, 11
Lining: 8.1 mm
E2: 120

Instructions for Mon and Tues:
Gonal F: 150 IU
Menopur: 75 IU

Wed morning U/S & B/W and further instructions.  My guess is trigger Wed, IUI on Fri.

I'm still emotionally whatever.  To me, it's a long way away from seeing some follicles on a screen and bringing home a baby.  I think I'll end up with two mature follies and one "kinda".  I don't think the 11 will grow enough, but honestly that's fine.  I want "a" baby. I'm not trying for twins or multiples or anything.  I'd like to bring home one healthy, living child.  I'm aware this carries the risk of twins, that's how I got Emma and Chase and I'm okay with that.

Hubby is kinda freaking out over all of this, but I told him if he wants done, then we're done.  I know in his mind he sees like 3 or 4 babies right now, but we all know how unlikely that scene is. Heck, to me, even one is pretty unlikely, but we'll see.  I have no control over this, over anything.  I just have to do what I can and accept the rest.  For me it's just doing what my RE is telling me to.  That's why I stopped fighting about the thyroid, etc.  I just said whatever.  He's the guy who's supposed to help me conceive.

Speaking of thyroid.  The palps have stayed "better", they aren't gone and I can still feel them more times than others.  I did find a thyroid specialist that I feel comfortable checking out and my appt is 7/26.  I'm VERY sure I need a diff med than the one I'm on and hopefully I'll like this doctor.  The location is really good too.

So, that's about it.  Just keep going and see what's what on Wed