Saturday, August 1, 2015

Always something....

I'm pretty proud of myself.  I honestly say that in the past week I've been "okay", no mental breakdowns, not a lot of crying (other than the bunny incident), I've been able to genuinely enjoy the time with my daughter, and even connect with a few friends that I've been feeling distant from. The only bad thing has been sleep.  I've hardly slept at all and it's getting worse.

Yesterday was a tough day for me. I had my sono saline and bloodwork with my RE's office.  The person doing it was the nurse practitioner.  Last time I saw her she did the ultrasound where I found out I was having twins. She's also the nurse who did my IUI for both Katie and the twins. For some reason it escped my mind that I was having to do an ultrasound and that it was going to be my first one since I lost them.

I remember my last two ultrasounds.  Well, my last 3.  The one where I went in for bleeding and was told they couldn't locate the source and that I was okay.  A full week before I lost Emma.  The second to last ultrasound was in the ER after my water broke.  When I saw two living children and then was told I'd lose one for sure and most likely both.  Then the last ultrasound.  The one after I stabilized after losing Emma and was still pregnant with Chase and I saw him and made sure he was okay.

Then yesterday, knowing that my uterus was empty and I was going to see it.  I had a panic attack and cried the whole way there.  Just thinking about and missing my babies. Thinking about what I was going to see and while I know I want everything to be clear and no issues, just wishing they were still there.  Mary, the NP was so sweet.  She gave me a hug and said she didn't know this happened to me and she asked me to tell her everything so I did.  She asked if I was ready to do testing and do treatment and I told her I honestly don't even know what that means.  I've been stable and I'm not sure what ready means.  I'll grieve them forever, but I am functioning.

Anyways, my ultrasound was clear and looked like it should.  My well-woman exam was also due so I said go ahead with it while I was there.  Well, that's where things didn't go perfect.  She felt on my neck and told me I had a goiter, aka enlarged thyroid.  She asked if that's ever happened before and I said no.  She said before anything it must be checked out.  They drew a lot of labs and I know that included all the thyroid stuff, but I also have to have an ultrasound on it to get it looked at.  I called yesterday and have an appt scheduled on Thursday to get it looked at.  It could be something, it could be nothing, we'll see.

Sunday, July 26, 2015

Are you out there?

I've been wanting/hoping/praying for signs of the twins since I lost them.  I wish for the to appear in my dreams, I want signs in my day that they are somehow present, even if I don't understand in what form. I pray that they don't hate me. I want to know that they are out there.

Today I went thrift shopping for my mom.  I saw an area with stuffed animals.  I went to go look because more than anything, K LOVES stuffed animals.  I was looking at some rabbits and my mom pointed out one that said chocolate bunny on it.  It smelled like a chocolate rabbit. Too cool. This bunny had pink ribbon around the neck that said chocolate bunny on it, pink prints on the paws, and a pink nose. I glanced back at the shelf and grabbed a similar looking bunny.  I realized the difference immediately.  Same bunny, except where the other one had pink, this one had blue.  I froze.  In my hand I had b/g bunny twins.  I'm in a thrift shop and these are the only two like it, sitting right there.  My mom and I on impulse ended up at this thrift shop.  The other one we tried to go to was closed and we were headed to Burlington when we saw it and decided to stop in.

I put the bunny's back and started crying.  My mom was hugging me and asking what happened and all I could say was b/g twin bunnies. She saw me holding them, but didn't realize until I said it.  I got myself together and took a bear I initially looked at and left.

Sitting in the car driving to lunch my mind began to wonder.  Is this a sign from them?  Is it just life being cruel that I should see these bunnies?  It it just a mindless coincidence that means nothing.

I know what I want to believe.  I know what I hope is true. I miss them.  Two months today since I said goodbye to Chase.

Overall I'm holding up okay this weekend.  I don't know, but I felt some kind of peace come over me the past few days.  I was up early this morning though.  Oh and today is CD 1. 3 weeks of acupuncture and my LP was 3 days longer, 9 instead of 6.

Saturday, July 25, 2015

Two Months

Has it really been two months?  It feels like forever ago they were with me and at the same time only yesterday.  I think about them every day and I miss them like crazy.  I ache to hold them, be with them, still be pregnant with them.  I'm starting to morph into a different person, but I'm unsure of who that person is.  Might be part of my withdrawal. I also don't want to hurt people I care about and who's friendship I value while I'm going through this, so I'm shying away into a little cocoon while I figure it out.  I don't want to hurt my friends or make them think I don't love or support them if I say something wrong, so right now I'm just keeping to myself. Most people don't seem to probe too much into how I feel so I think it's a mutual understanding.

Wednesday was a low for me, but Thursday and Friday I've felt okay. Yesterday I started to feel peace and today I woke up feeling very calm and peaceful. I'm going to enjoy it and think of it as a gift from my children.  I'm trying to focus on the happy and what I had with them.  The memories I'll continue to have with them, like the prayer flag I'll be making in their memory.

I'm excited to participate in this even, although I have no clue what I'm going to make or say or anything. I just trust it will come to me.  

I appreciate all the input through comments, messenger, PANs, etc about how I'm feeling and whether or not to TTC. I'll make my final decision when I get closer to that cycle.  I'm still waiting for AF and then I'll be doing the testing, so right now I'm looking to do treatment end of Aug/early Sept at the earliest, which puts me at 3 months after my loss. I know part of my anxiety and grieving is for the future as well as what I lost.  I desperately want to give my daughter a sibling. 

You have no idea how much the love and support means to me.  Although I'm mostly "hiding out", I actually need it more than ever right now.  I was so lost at the beginning it all seemed unreal and overwhelming.  Now it's reality.

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

I just don't know

I don't know what to do anymore.  I was pretty set on doing treatments as soon as I could, but now I don't know. I've had a few people question if I was ready, mostly due to my blog posts.  What does ready mean?  I'm not going to ever be happy they are gone.  But is now the right time?  Is what I'm feeling too negative and would impact a possible future pregnancy?  Would I have trouble coping with another possible pregnancy when I'm still grieving for my twins?

I have days that are better than others.  My acupuncturist questioned my readiness yesterday too when I talked to him.  In fact he made me look at him and tell him if I was suicidal or not.  I'm not at all.  I don't particularly value my life and I'm fine with my own death, but I'm not going to seek it.  I couldn't do that to Katie.  If something happens and I die then so be it, but I'm not going to choose to leave her.  I would never, ever do that to her unless my living was more harmful to her than my death and that is no where near the case right now and honestly, I don't foresee it being the case.  I view my life since the moment she was born as a model to her.  She is watching me all the time.  Sadly, she will encounter tragedy in her own life.  I pray it's not infertility or child loss, but I don't know what she will face.  I have to show her how to cope and how to get through things.  I can't give up and be that be her model.  I have to show her that you have to just deal with it in healthy ways.  I noticed I started using alcohol too much for coping, so I quit drinking it.  I blog, post in my support groups, and when I have the energy try to check in on my friends to let them know I still care and see how they are doing.  I'm doing a crappy job at that part, but I'm trying.

Anyways, I told him I'm not sleeping much and that my anxiety is very bad.  He then mentioned that maybe I'm not ready to get pregnant again.  I don't know.  I'm very lost and I don't know what ready means.  I know I have a lot of fear and anxiety over TTC and frankly I want to move past that point in my life.  I want my daughter to have a sibling close in age.  I am worried that the longer I wait the less chance I have for a BFP.  Knowing what I know about my body through the treatments that I've done, my AFC is much too low to attempt IVF even if it was affordable.  There is a very good chance I'll have nothing to transfer.

But, if I'm breaking down crying is that okay for a possible pregnancy?  If I'm yoyoing between functional and breaking down crying, is that okay?  If I'm spending all my time in grief over the two that are gone and fear over the one in me, is that bad for the baby?  I don't know how much stress, fear, etc plays into pregnancy as far as the baby.  Can it affect important things in the brain?  Can it cause a disposition for depression or cause a potential child to have anxiety? I don't know.  I don't know anything.  I know I want to do the best for any future children.  I'm going to be sad for a while.  I talk to women years out from their losses and guess what, they are still grieving.  They still break down and have moments.  Far fewer than me, but this is life changing.  Two of my kids and I are separated. I don't know.

My acupuncturist brought up antidepressants.  The very thing I thought he wouldn't mention to me, that he would probably say was bad.  He didn't.  I know for a fact that if I have to take them, I won't TTC.  I can't take any of that while I'm pregnant, don't want it in my body close to a pregnancy, and if I'm having to rely on it, then I'm not ready to be pregnant.  At what point do I realize I need them?  I am functional.  I go to work, get dressed every day, cook, clean, take my daughter places, even socialize a bit, even if it's hard for me to make small talk like I care about anything else. 

However, I'm not sleeping and I have anxiety.  My acu did give me some herbs to try and help with anxiety and I felt incredibly relaxed during during my acu treatment. I slept almost 7 hours instead of 4-5 last night.  I feel anxious this morning though and my left eye has started twitching as I'm typing this blog post.  I felt anxious before my last round of treatments and during my pregnancy.  I had eye twitches and trouble sleeping too.  I just don't know anymore and I don't know how to know.  I want to make the right decision, I want a formula.  I just want life to be okay.

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

8 weeks

It's been 8 weeks since I lost them. Often I'm asked how am I doing?  And I honestly don't know how I'm doing.  I'm just doing. I've kinda stopped answering it a few times and people don't even notice or ask again. I think it's just a way to say hi.

However, I have noticed a few changes in the past eight weeks.  I was talking to someone yesterday who also lost her twins and we were talking about things we wished we'd done with the hours we did get to hold them.  It's been on my mind a lot in the past week, if I could have the day I got with each baby, what would I do differently?  Of course going to the ER I had no way to prepare.  No idea I was losing them. I even thought maybe I was silly for going.  But here's how I've changed.  I'm no longer talking about what I should've done to save them.  Honestly I haven't even thought about that in the last week.  I accept that I couldn't or even if I could've, I didn't it and that part is done.  Instead I've moved forward to what I wish had been different when they were in my arms.  I wish I'd been able to wear each baby, sing more songs, maybe get a hand print as well as footprint, more detailed pictures, read them a story.  I wish I'd had a book to read to them.  I did sing soft kitty to them though before we said goodbye.

Another change is I don't cry every day. I used to cry every single day, many times throughout the day.  Then it became every night when I put Katie to bed and walked out. I do cry a few times a week because I miss them so bad it hurts.

Currently I'm quiet and withdrawn.  I live in constant sadness, but I've just learned to live with it, it's a part of me now. I don't who I am.  I feel very lost. I have no idea how to talk to people.  I forget things easily, a lot easier than I used to.  It's harder for me to keep up with all the people I care about.  I still care, I just find it hard to reach out.  I want to stay hidden away from everything.  Not sure want is the right word, it's just what I'm doing.  I don't feel I belong with anyone or anywhere.  I honestly feel like people are sick of me.  I don't know if my worldview is distorted or if it's true, but I feel like people don't want to talk to me anymore.  I don't want to say don't care, but more like know I'm not the person they used to know and it's time to part ways sort of thing.  I don't know.  I just feel very detached and disconnected.

There's a lot of stuff going on at my job and I just don't care.  I got there, I do what they want, I come home.  I used to care, but honestly I just don't.  I don't care about things in the news or around the world.  I just feel very alone and very lost.

I've been trying to think all the ways I've parented Emma and Chase.  I made choices of what to put in my body while I was pregnant with them.  I went to all my appointments and even switched OBs to try and make sure we were in the best hands.  I called my OB any time I had a concern about them and even went to the ER.  I chose how to deliver each baby.  A d&c was offered to me, but I declined.  I almost lost that option after Emma was born to sepsis and blood loss, but I stabilized in time and made the choice to try and save Chase. I chose to hold each baby and spend time with them and sing them a lullaby.  I chose cremation, I chose the memorial shelf for them.  I chose to share them with the world by being very open on Facebook about my loss and even posted pictures of them.  I continue to parent them by keeping them alive in my heart.  I talk to other loss moms and anyone who wants to hear about them.  I plan to do random acts of kindness in their memory and name.  I'm going to participate in The August 19th -Day of Hope Prayer Flag Project hosted by CarlyMarie  I will tell their big sister about them and celebrate them on their birthday. I am unsure what to do on their due date if anything.  I might take off of work and do a family day.

I've been thinking more and more about trying for another sibling for them and Kate.  Having them didn't take away from Katie.  They weren't replacing her and even with them gone, she doesn't replace them.  Another baby won't replace any child of mine, they are simply another child of mine.  Another child I will love regardless of the outcome, another child that will hopefully grow up along big sister Katie.  I have no idea if I'll get lucky again with another pregnancy, but I do know I'm ready to try.

I'm not sleeping.  I can't remember the last time I really slept, so tonight at my acu appt I'll bring it up.  I'm also having severe anxiety.  Maybe he can help me with those.

Sunday, July 19, 2015

A better day

I've been doing better.  Had a fantastic time at the beach.  DH and I talked before we went and cleared the air.  He said he didn't realize how upset I was and how much I was struggling.  For those new to my blog, I'm extremely close to my DH.  He is my rock and the one person I can count on no matter what.  We are best friends first.

The hard part is we are very much grieving differently.  He doesn't like to talk about Emma and Chase and prefers I warn him if I need to so he can mentally prepare.  He doesn't like to look at their pictures, etc.  I, on the other hand, want to talk about them often, I do look at their pictures and try to frequently recall everything about the days I held each one, try to remember what they felt like  I try to think of ways to parent from the grave, so to speak.  This makes it hard when I can't share what's on my mind with my best friend.  I don't share a lot on FB anymore since I think it makes people uncomfortable.  I've learned only other loss moms can relate to me.

The day at the beach was very healing.  I felt close to my babies that day, I think because I was out in nature, with the sun, the sand, the water.  Katie running around like a mad woman.  I had my sad moments.  Seeing only her at the beach, wondering if there would be another with her some day or not, but I was able to relax and enjoy the day and the family I do have while keeping the two no longer with me close to my heart.

I need to give a huge thanks to Alissa who reached out to me via messenger after my last blog post to talk to me and make me feel more "normal" about what I'm going through.  You are an amazing and wonderful friend.  I hate that we met this way, that this is what we share, but I have a feeling in time there will be a lot more.

A huge thanks to Holly.  She sent me a book a few weeks ago called You Are the Mother of All Mothers. It took me a few days to even read it and when I did I cried and cried and cried.  I've read it a few more times since then.  It's a book each and every loss mom should have.  It's exactly the words a mom needs to hear during this time.  Thank you!!

I find myself withdrawing more from even people I used to feel close to.  I don't know if my perceptions or wrong or not, but I just feel very tainted and like people don't want to be around me anymore or talk to me, because the answer to how you are doing isn't "great".  I have friends, luckily, going through some good/happy/hopeful times finally and I don't want to be that dark cloud. I have good days and bad days and moments within those days. I'm thinking a lot about my upcoming fertility treatment and how I'll do.  How will it go?  If I do get pregnant how will I handle it?

I went to a friend's moving away/meet the new baby party and I held the baby for a good while.  I thought it would be harder than it was, but as Alissa pointed out to me from her experience, it wasn't my baby, I was able to separate myself.  It did make me miss a baby.  Kate climbed in my lap and kissed the baby and my heart hurt for what was gone, but made me look to the future at the same time and hope and pray.

While at the beach, inspired by Alissa, I wrote my babies names on the sand, this way all 3 of my kids were accounted for.  Has it really been 8 weeks?

Friday, July 17, 2015

This morning

Last night was bad and the pain was unimaginable. I sleep in a different room than my husband because he has a severe snoring issue we are working on and I already have trouble sleeping.

I grabbed my bears-the ones that represent my twins with weight and size, and held them both together.  Something I never got to do in real life.  I cried and cried and cried.  I thought about them, about my entire pregnancy, delivery, and the day I got with each one at the hospital.  I thought about how the future would've been.  I read for a bit while holding them.  Trying to read a grief book called Empty Cradle, Broken Heart. I keep rereading the first chapter though because for some reason I'm having trouble comprehending the book.  Then I fell asleep with both of them.  I slept for a few hours.  I also wore a necklace given to me in their memory.  Has their names engraved along with two pears-pink and blue. I woke up this morning and kissed them and put them by the urn where they go.  I'm still wearing the necklace, but I'll have to take it off soon since K will grab it and we're going to the beach today.

I'm numb this morning.  I'm sad and broken.  I don't know why my husband isn't there.  I don't know why he sees my pain and gets mad at me. He came home and I told him today I was struggling.  I haven't been the nicest, but not horrible either.  Just short and sad, so sad.  We've been together 18 years, married for 10.  Our 10 year anniversary we went out to dinner and toasted to what we thought was a perfect life.  We had money issues, so we ate on a gift card, but so what?  Money comes and money goes.  We had our daughter and in a few months would have our twins and yes, it was going to be rough at first, but then it would be just fine.  Except it wasn't and it isn't and I don't know that it's ever going to be.

What to do?  Do I leave?  Do I try to have another so that K has a full sibling and once things settle then leave?  Will it get better?

I'm not looking forward to spending 90 min to 2 hrs in the car with him this morning to what we call the beach around here. Meeting my sister and her family for lunch and then a few hours in the water and then going home.

I am empty on the inside.