Friday, May 30, 2014

Post-Partum Anxiety

Since having Katie, I haven't felt "right".  I've had some issues, I've been more emotional and a little bit obsessive at times.  The house must be cleaned all the time, constantly washing bottles, washing her bedding, lots of laundry.  I've been more withdrawn at work, hiding even.  Not as chatty with co-workers.  Doing my job, but that's it.  I'm more of the "above and beyond" kind of worker and I haven't been.  I worry a lot, I have trouble sleeping even though she's been sleeping through the night for the last month.  My cats annoy me more lately.  I feel very paranoid, I think my friends don't like me, my co-workers hate me, etc.

A lot of these I've dismissed.  I told myself I was just tired, work was annoying, etc.  I didn't really acknowledge that this was getting in my day to day work.  Well, yesterday I kinda had to.

I had my evaluation at work.  I was dreading this.  Now, my boss and I are good friends.  However, since having Katie I've hardly spoken to her.  I freaked out once when I thought I got a mean look, convinced she now hated me, etc.  I've pretty much been avoiding her.  I read my evaluation before meeting with her and it wasn't my usual one.  I kinda knew it wasn't going to be.  It wasn't bad, but it wasn't Amber goes above and beyond. It was Amber does her job.  She sat me down and looked at me and said "talk to me".  I'm like, what?  She says, tell me about your year.  Mainly tell me about your year before Katie and after Katie.  And I got emotional and just said a lot of things, not sure any of it made sense.  She told me she was worried about me.  She apologized for not talking to me sooner and said I do my job, but it's not the same.  She said my teammates were worried about me too.  We talked for a long while, she gave me a huge hug.  Again, it wasn't a bad evaluation, it was honest and true.

I finished out my day, but kept thinking about what she said.  I looked up the only thing people talk about as it related to postpartum-postpartum depression.  Nope!  Clicked out.  I AM bonded with my baby, I love her, I don't regret having her.  In fact, I wish the world would go away and leave me alone with her forever.  Hmmmm.....  This isn't normal either.  I panic when I'm away from her.  At work, I obsessively check out developmental milestones, babycenter, looking for new toys, ideas, everything.  Katie, Katie, Katie.  On my phone I stare at pictures, videos, anything of hers I can get.  I count down hours, minutes until I see her.  I live for an email update on how she's doing that day.  I'm paranoid.

I start googling post-partum anxiety and I see very few things, but what I do see, seem to fit a bit better.  I texted my boss last night and thanked her.  She said she's just worried and wants me to get help and that she's there for me.  I'm really lucky this is my boss.  I can say a lot of bad things about my job, A LOT, but I can say I have some of the most caring people as members of my team.  Anyways, even though we really aren't in a financial position for this I'm going to call my acu and see about getting some help, even a few supps I can take.  I'm also going to call my OB and see about it.  And just see what else I can do.

Monday, May 26, 2014

Job update

I read my last post and saw that I put a "maybe lost his job".  It wasn't a maybe, it was a definite and it was done WRONG!!  Possibly illegal, we're making some inquiries.  He went from a 30 day notice to nothing by the end of the week and he did absolutely nothing for any of it.  His annual review was good, no issues with anything and then BAM!

We're trying to figure out how to make it.  I work in education, so I have the chance to work summer school for extra money.  He's filing for unemployment and searching for jobs like crazy.  I'm optimistic, but a little bit worried.  We'll make it though, I'm sure.

Anyways, I appreciate any prayers, good thoughts, etc. you send my way.  Clearly my medicated cycle is off for now, but hopefully soon.

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

T & P please!!

I got some very bad news from my husband yesterday.  He is probably going to lose his job.  He's been working there a year and felt his boss never really liked him.  He had a review back in March and it wasn't great, but it definitely wasn't bad, but it looks like his boss was just waiting for the one year mark.  He was put on some sort of growth plan after never being told there was an issue.  

He's going to be up front with his boss today and ask for time to seek out opportunities in another department.  His current job is an auditor for IT, but up until now he's actually been an IT guy with his education in IT and he even has a few certificates. He's been trying to move back to IT dept, but the company hasn't had any openings.  He's gotten to know a few of the IT managers so he's going to send them an email today, but it doesn't look good.

This means, of course, no injectables or anything like that.  Also, we don't even know we can stay in our house and we might be selling and moving.  Any thoughts or prayers you can send us would really mean a lot.

Thank you!!

Monday, May 19, 2014

Update-5 months



I know it's been a while since I blogged, about two months now.  Work has been hectic and I'm job hunting again and I've been busy with my little princess and also ATTC again.  I'd love to come on here and say yep, that +OPK resulted in a BFP, but of course that's not what happened.  I know I am so, so lucky as a woman with DOR that I conceived with my own eggs AND that injectibles worked and I didn't need IVF.  Not even that, my first round of injectables work.  I know for many of you, that would have been a dream come true.  I may not post as often, but I do read all the time.  It's hard for me to comment because my job uses google mail so I can't comment under my identity and unless there's an app I'm missing that lets you do blogger, I'm having issues with my phone too.  It's very hard to get on my PC these days, so I can read from my work or phone, but commenting is harder, but I swear, I haven't left you guys.  Jessah, Suzanne, Farra, and Veronica (even though you don't blog) especially, I pray for you everyday.  You ladies have been through so, so much and you deserve your baby(ies).

So, Kate Lyn is now 5 months old!!  She is a wonderful, wonderful girl.  She is mostly sweet with a bit of spicy.  Has a smile that would kill anyone, I should market her smile as a dangerous weapon for real!  She loves to talk A LOT, lol!  She's mastered rolling like she was born doing it.  Sitting and crawling are right around the corner.  If you help her sit up, she can hold her body for about a minute.  She can roll and scoot her butt around too and get all over the place.  I predict by 6 months she'll be crawling and sitting on her own.  Just in time for lots of summer fun!!  Here's a pic I took of her at exactly 5 months old (Friday)






So, TTC wise, where am I?  Well, I'm on cycle #4.  My LPs have been VERY short with the exception of this one, I'm currently 12 DPO, and I shot that unicorn dead with my BFN this morning.  Telling myself be glad my LP is back to more on the normal side since last few cycles AF came at 8 and 9 DPO.  I got my testing redone, my AFC is only 3 now!  It used to be 6-8.  My AMH did go up from .31 to .49, but I honestly don't know what AMH measures anymore, by AFC was a bigger deal to me.  I'm also Oing later, I've been consistently Oing CD 17, way diff than the CD 11-13 I was before.

What does this mean?  If I want Kate to have a sibling the time is NOW.  DH has his SA this Friday, I'll post results when they come in.  Once AF shows (I'm ready now, c'mon!), I'll have one last natural cycle and then right back to the protocol that landed me Katie.  We'll be doing Femara/Injectables/IUI and praying!!  I am back to my acupuncture and I think that's why my LP is now longer.

So, we'll see what happens this summer, hopefully #2.

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Here we go again...

I didn't think I'd O this soon after my AFC count last week, but if my body does one thing, it's ovulating.  So, I was surprised to find my familiar about to O cramps on my left ovary yesterday and an OPK revealed a near positive.  I knew today would be positive and sure enough this morning:



So here we go again.  I'm not so bold as to think I'll actually get a BFP, but at least my body is returning back to normal.  I'm seeing my acu today and my goal is to try and get my body as regulated as possible so that a medicated treatment this summer will work and I'll try naturally in the meantime in case there's some sort of miracle.

Sunday, March 16, 2014

The Fourth Trimester

The first three months of a newborns life are often called "The Fourth Trimester", since newborns are still very much in the womb with the way the act and relate to the world.  They have day/night confusion and don't interact much.  Their entire world consists of eating, sleeping, and eliminating.  As you get closer and closer to the 3 month mark, there is more and more interaction.  They start to "wake up", so to speak.

For the first two weeks of Kate Lyn's life, she was nearly always sleeping.  She'd wake up to eat and go right back to sleeping.  After two weeks, anytime she wasn't asleep, she was crying.  I was told she had "colic", 'cause most of her crying was in the evening and night.  It was pretty much all night long too.  When she was six weeks old my mom was over at my house and saw some of this "colic" behavior, well, she told me to call the pediatrician that something wasn't right.  The pediatrician told me that what I thought was colic was actually reflux.  I got her on meds and we had to play with them all the way even until last week.  She'd be okay for about a week or two and then it would come back.  Be gone and come back, right now she's on prevacid solutabs and also Zantac to help manage it and it's going pretty good at the moment.  I hope she's able to grow out of it.

Once the meds were under control the extreme crying and screaming stopped.  At week 8 I went back to work and she seemed to have days and nights better.  I'd wake up a few times in the night to feed her and right back to sleep.  Anytime she was awake though she was still not very happy, didn't smile or interact much.

A huge change occurred at week 11.  She suddenly started being more aware, she started looking at things, tracking, smiling, and starting to enjoy stuff.  Now we're at the 3 month mark, 13 weeks tomorrow and she's doing these very consistently, although when she's tired she still gets upset, but I love the new interactions that are taking place.

She's also gained a good amount of weight, so I've begun dubbing her "my little chunker".  I love this girl with all my heart.  She is absolutely the light of my world.

Here's her pictures for the first three months:




You can really see her fill out and start to change and become a baby.  It's sad to see start to grow so much already, she's in 6 month clothes, but I love watching her grow more and more each day.

Here are some of my other favorite photos of her:







I'm excited to see what the next few months bring.  I've also begun very actively TTC.  Try as I might, breastfeeding didn't quite work out like I hoped.  I saw a lactation consultant, took many supp's and meds, and pumped, but I just couldn't produce more than one bottle a day.  It was taking too much time away from her, from sleep, from other things so I've stopped.  I saw my RE on the 12th and unfortunately I have an AFC of 3!!  My AMH is being rechecked, but the plan is to just try naturally until summer and then go back to treatments.  Maybe I'll get lucky again and be able to give her a sibling.  I do hope so.  I'm meeting with my RE on 4/2 to discuss all my labs, so I'll go from there.  I hope I get AF between now and then too.  My RE things I'll O in the next couple of weeks so I've temping and will start on OPKs soon.  I'm back to seeing my acu too.

Sunday, January 19, 2014

Wow! One month?

I can't believe that just over a month ago my precious girl was born.  In some ways it seems like I've always been her mom, that she's always been here and on the other hand, is this really real?

So, how's it going?  It's going pretty good for the most part.  She is an amazing and wonderful baby.  At this stage she sleeps most of the time and this is what she did easily the first 3 weeks.  She woke up about every 2-2.5 hours exactly to be fed and changed, but otherwise she slept.  At week 3, things changed a little bit.  Something happens to my princess early evening somewhere around 6:30ish, where she has a harder time falling asleep and she cries a lot more, it increases until the dreaded 2:00 am mark.  At 2:00 am, it is very hard to recognize that she is the same baby I know during the day.  She can't sleep, she screams, she won't eat, just nothing makes her happy.  She is extremely upset and not much can be done.  I've held and rocked her for a while leading up to 2:00 am and a bit after before finally falling asleep.  It seems everything I do made it worst, not better, until a conversation with my sister.  I was describing my amazing baby to her and saying how I'm lucky she doesn't have Colic or anything like that.  Then I was describing the night and she goes, um, sounds like Colic to me.  Colic?  I thought Colic was your baby screaming all the time and never stopping.  Turns out I was wrong, Dr. Google says Colic is crying even when all your needs are met (so no apparent reason) for at least 3 hours a day for 3 weeks.  It happens around the same time each night-for her leading up to 2:00 am.  Hmmm.....  Now what?  Well, threads, forums, and women who've come before me said, stop stimulating her so much.  The "soothing" I'm doing for hours isn't helping, you need to leave her be.

To hear my baby cry, breaks my heart.  I want to go hold her and give her the world.  Unfortunately, with Colic, I'm doing worse by holding her so much.  The new plan is we swaddle and lay her down.  She has 10 minutes to calm down if she's crying, if 10 minutes has passed and still crying, then I go back in and rock her, offer more food, try to burp, etc to make sure he's okay, then I try again with the sleep.  So far in the past few days since I've discovered this, only twice did she go above the 10 minute mark and once I went in there and resettled her, the crying stopped.  The nights are much better, she is sleeping more and is happier.  It takes her on average 4-6 minutes to stop crying.  If the crying is bad, like she is screaming, I go in immediately.  I don't want to overstimuate her, but I don't want her to suffer, to think no one's there, etc.  I love this little girl.  Luckily Colic tends to go away by 8-12 weeks and we'll be 5 weeks tomorrow.

I am very lucky, a lot of parents have children with Colic that is much worse.  I've seen much worse, which is why I didn't think she had it.  I love holding her, gazing at her, I could stare at her for hours-and I do.  The worst part is that my maternity leave is quickly coming to an end-only 3 more weeks.  I am leaving her with my mom, so at least that's good, but my heart breaks that I have to go back to work.  I wish financially I could afford to only work part-time, but I can't.  At least I work in a school district and my hours aren't so bad and I have frequent breaks/vacations.

On January 16th, I saw my OB for my 1 month postpartum visit.  I talked to him about TTC #2 right away.  He said I should be fine in a couple of months-that he wants to do some bloodwork at my next appt to check my hormone levels and if everything looks good I can try again right away.  My stitches have not fully healed, I had a pretty good tear, so no nooky with the hubby right now, he said not until right before my next appointment.  Not great news for my husband, lol.  Otherwise everything is going great.  CD 1 was yesterday, so my body seems to have returned itself back to normal.  I will be temping and using OPKs this cycle to see if I O, even though it's an "off" cycle.  Hoping next one will start TTC again.  I honestly don't think I can conceive naturally, but I plan to try anyways and then see the RE this summer, mid to late summer if nothing.

My biggest fear, before infertility, was postpartum depression.  In the past I've been prone to depression and I was pretty sure this would happen.  Women with infertility often have a higher risk of postpartum depression due to being a normal exhausted new mom who's overwhelmed with a newborn and also then dealing with the fact that you wanted a baby more than anything and some days it just gets hard, you feel guilt.  I am very lucky-not even a hint of the baby blues.  I have been myself since day 1 and none of that has been any issue at all.  I am tired and exhausted, but happy and seriously, I wouldn't trade it for anything.

So, here's some baby pictures!!  Here's her official one month photo:


Her professional newborn pics came in to.  I just finished doing her birth announcements, so hopefully those are in soon so I can mail them out.  Here's some of my favorites from her newborn shoot at 4 days old: