Saturday, January 14, 2017

3rd Trimester

Yesterday we made it to 28 weeks!!  I can't believe I'm in the third tri and suddenly things seem very real and very fast.  I'm so unprepared, but I know I'll get there.

Last week I had my GD test and I nearly passed out after.  I was driving and feeling so faint and dizzy.  I was even allowed to eat before it and I had 3 hard boiled eggs, an hour later the drink, an after that the blood draw.  I found out my result earlier this week-36!!

In general I've been feeling very depressed, lethargic, and honestly I was starting to get scared for how I was.  I wasn't bonding with Anna and I was getting scared about her coming. Last weekend I broke down to my husband about how bad I felt, how low my energy was, how I had no idea how on Earth I was going to take care of a newborn and Katie. I just couldn't do it.

When I talked to my MFM earlier this week she said I've probably been walking around with blood sugar in my 40s for a few weeks now.  This explains a lot of how I'm feeling.  In fact, she said I need to get off the Metformin.  I take it for reactive hypoglycemia, but I'm remembering now that even with Katie I had to reduce the amt in the second tri, and get off of it by the third for the same reasons.

Within 24 hours of being off of it I had more energy, better mood, I felt more "even".  Even my appetite was more steady and I was craving more normal foods and less sweets.  I'm not a big sweets eater and I'd begun to want that stuff all the time.  It all makes sense now.  It's now been quite a few days off the Met and my entire mood, energy, and outlook has changed.  I'm looking forward to meeting Anna, I feel more connected to her, less weepy, less depressed. My BH are so much more improved.  I was needing Procardia almost daily and now I haven't used it in days.

This is a bit of a hard month in general. Two years ago Emma and Chase were conceived this month and a year ago Ivy was.  Now I'm in my third tri with a baby I'm feeling confident I'll get to meet. It's taken a lot to bring me here, to bring me to Anna, and I can't wait to meet her in April and see her sweet face and give her kisses.

Everything is looking good right now.  I'm done with cervical checks because nothing more can be done with that.  They can still do some things if I go into PTL, but right now that isn't too much of a concern.  I'll be having growth checks with the MFM every 3 weeks.

Thursday, January 5, 2017

27 weeks

Well, not quite, that's really tomorrow, but same difference, am I right?

So, this past week....  Emotionally I've had a VERY hard time.  I'm having issues with connecting with Anna and honestly just feeling like a complete piece of shit on many different angles.  I could go on and on, but the short version is, I feel like a terrible mom in many different ways.

So, in addition to emotional stuff. the night of New Year's Eve, I had a bit of brown spotting.  It made me nervous, and I decided to watch and see.  I had more spotting New Year's Day, and then a bit more the next morning.  It was all very mild.  I thought my doctors offices would be open on Jan. 2nd, but it was a holiday for everyone, except for me.  I did call the on-call OB who told me to go home on bedrest and call the next day.

On Tuesday I called my MFMs office and she called me back and since I hadn't spotted for over 24 hours at that point, she said she'd message my OB to add an u/s to my appt today and go from there.  I had my u/s today and Anna looked great.  She's now 2 lbs, 4 oz, so she's gained 7 oz in 9 days!!  No wonder I'm eating all the time. Fluid, placenta, everything looked good.  At this time there's no way to know what is going on.

I also had my GD test today, and man, I hate that test.  Hopefully I passed.  I should know in a few days.  My OB thinks the spotting might be uterine growth, but he doesn't know.  They did take blood work for infection, just to make sure.

Steroid shots came up as well, because of my history.  He's going to discuss it further with the MFM and she'll probably talk to me about it on Tuesday, but they are considering it as a precaution.  Right now there's no signs of pre-term labor.

Also when I had the spotting, DH asked me about going to L&D to get checked out.  I couldn't go.  I mean I just froze in fear and panic at the thought of going there.  I honestly don't know how I'm supposed to give birth, even at term, because the thought of going there was not something I could handle.  I've brought this up to my therapist and I forgot to bring it up to my OB today since I was freaking out about the spotting, but I will when I see him in two weeks and I'll tell the MFM on Tuesday.

So, here I am, almost to the third tri, just one week left.  Things, I think, are okay.  We'll see.  I hope emotionally I can get myself together.

Friday, December 30, 2016

Anna Belle

Mary has a name!  DH and I decided on Anna Belle. Family hasn't cared for that name, so I actually haven't shared it with them yet.  Somehow having the name makes her more real.  With her being more real, came a lot more emotions, and not all of them good.

I don't know what it is, but for some reason after deciding on the name, I wanted to back out of it.  Even though it had been the name I'd wanted for so long.  I felt disconnected from her the min we decided it.  Then DH brought up painting the nursery and basically I shut down. I felt as if I made a huge mistake by having Anna and it was like I didn't want her. I know I do, I know how much I love her, but I didn't feel that way.  I don't know why.

I do know I've been struggling with a lot of grief over the holiday.  Wondering what it would've been like had Katie, Emma, and Chase celebrated together.  I still see them, but not her.  I've had trouble visualizing Anna into my family.

I do know the name is the right one, it's not that.  It's that I'm scared and just sad.  I wish I had all my children.  I've gotten a lot of comments over the holiday, things like can't wait for Katie to finally be a big sister. You'll have the "perfect family of 4". What is a perfect family?  I think my family would've been perfect if all my kids had been born alive. I guess I feel like with the birth of Anna, Emma, Chase, and Ivy will become insignificant.

Also, there's the fact that up until now I didn't actually think in my heart I'd get to bring Anna home. I was consumed with making it to viability, consumed with making sure I didn't get sick again.  My focus was on "if" she makes it.  Now "if" has become "when" and "most likely".  Can something still happen?  Absolutely, I'm well aware of placenta becoming detached, cord accidents, and other freak things that can happen.  Are these scenarios likely? No, not really.  If she were born today, it would be very scary and she'd be in a lot of danger, even with making viability. Viability is the chance to live, not the guarantee to live. But again, it's unlikely she'll be born this early.

At my appt on Tuesday, she weighed 1 lb, 13 oz (3 oz shy of 2 lbs), she's healthy and everything looked good.  Cervix very long and closed, no signs of dilation, no bleeding/spotting, I have plenty of fluid. I also told Kate about the baby on Tuesday and she came to the appt to see about the baby.  Not sure how much or what sunk in, but it will be an ongoing convo.

I did reach out online regarding my feelings and was told they aren't unusual.  I also told my MFM and will tell my OB next week.  Everyone has assured me that all of this is normal following a loss.  I also have a counseling appt where I'll be talking about it more.

With the realization I'm probably going to bring her home, comes the panic of getting things ready. I feel like I don't have any time, all of a sudden. April will be here soon, and there's a lot to do.  I know things can be done after she's here, but I also want to make it fair.  Katie had everything prepared before birth.  It's just all very mixed up in my head and I know somehow, someway it's going to be okay.  I know I'm so incredibly lucky to have the chance to bring her home.

Anna looks amazingly like Katie.  I'm talking they could almost be twins.  I wonder if they'll continue to look alike and if their coloring will be the same.  Here's a comparison pic of NB Katie (hours after birth) and the latest 3D image of Anna.

Here's to meeting my sweet rainbow in the New Year and to continuing to heal. Happy New Year's everyone, here's to 2017!

Sunday, December 25, 2016

Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas

I wanted to take a moment to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays.  Thank you to everyone who's been there and supported me through the good times and the hard times.

I'd be lying if I didn't admit I'm struggling a lot this holiday season.  I know I have my reasons to be happy and grateful and I am, but everything is complicated and grief is a process, not an event.

Wishing and praying for peace and light in everyone today.  Thank you all for the love and support.

Friday, December 16, 2016


I know it's been a while since I posted. There has and hasn't been a lot going on.  I'll start with all the good.

I'm 24 weeks!!!!  "Mary" is now viable!!  YAY!!!  I had my MFM appt this past Tues and she looked fantastic.  My cervix was over 4 inches long and everything looked great.  I was even able to get a great 3d image of her.  Doesn't she look like such a sweetheart???  Really feeling hopeful about holding a healthy "Mary" in my arms this April.

Mary enjoys breakfast tacos, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, and kicking.

So, the not so great stuff...  I'm having A LOT of BH.  I'm talking almost nonstop.  Luckily it doesn't seem to be affecting my cervix, but it's concerning.  It happens regardless of my activity level or water consumption.  I naturally drink water like crazy. One thing that has helped it some is magnesium.  I drink a magnesium supplement twice a day and it's helped calm things down some, but I'm still getting them multiple times a day, every day. My MFM was going to release me after this past appointment on Tuesday, but she's changed her mind due to the BH and cramping (they come together).  She's going to check me out again on 12/27 and if I'm still having them, she's going to prescribe Procardia.  I was given Procardia injections with Katie when I went into PTL to stop it a little before being admitted for PTL.  Since I'm not actually having PTL, she thinks a script might calm down my uterus.  So, we'll see how the next two weeks go.  

The other thing is anxiety.  Anyone following me knows that this has been a struggle for me.  It's elevated a bit and reminds me a lot of when I had a Katie.  I had Post Partum Anxiety with her and didn't know it.  By the time I realized the constant intrusive thoughts and irrational fears were not normal, DH had just lost his job and I couldn't see my OB.  I conceived the twins a month after he got a new job.  I'm having the intrusive thoughts and some rational, but also irrational fears again.  I'm doing okay and functioning well day to day, but I'm very emotional and it's just been hard.  I've been talking to my counselor about it and I will mention it to my OB at my next appt. on January 5th. This anxiety is why I haven't posted in a while. 

So, here is "Mary" and I at 24 weeks.  While she's considered viable, she is definitely far from ready to leave my body. Next big goal is 28 weeks, but for now I celebrate this milestone.

She's 3!!

So, here we are three years later.  I can't believe my baby, my oldest child, is now 3.  She was the very best birthday gift I ever got and she makes my heart smile every single day.  So much has happened in the last three years. I don't even recognize myself in photos from "before".  However, this is the child that made me a mom.  The child who made my infertility fight worth it.

Happy 3rd Birthday Kate Lyn!

Here's a collage of birth, age 1, age 2, and age 3.  I love the girl so much.  There are just no words.

Her expression at seeing Santa for the first time.

Our first family picture ever

The one we just took for our holiday cards this year.

Here's a few things that tell about who she is right now:

Her birthday party is on Saturday and will be Mickey/Minnie Themed.  I'm really excited about it because she's really into birthdays and this will be the first one she really enjoys. She's going to have the best time and I can't wait to see that face of hers light up. So much mush I could say about this girl, but let me just say she is truly my absolute Sunshine and she is going to rock with "Mary" this Spring.

Saturday, November 12, 2016

Rainbow Mary is a......

Gender reveal day came!  First time ever I didn't end up in the ER, yay!!  The progesterone shots are doing their thing.  Everything looks good!  I'll post more pics of decorations and stuff later when DH gets them off the camera, but for now to share to what everyone wants to know.

I LOVE this cake that our person made!  So gorgeous and it helped bring me peace when I got it.

So, is "Mary" a boy or a girl?