Tuesday, February 14, 2017


I know it's been a little while and I'm sorry.  I've honestly just been dealing with so much I've been trying to process on my own before putting it down on paper.  Mostly in the past week.

A week ago today, a very good friend of mine, who's pregnant with b/g twins gave birth.  She was 32 weeks, so definitely NICU babies, but will absolutely make it and come home.  She'd had steroid injections already too. Her due date and mine are a week apart and she conceived via Clomid.  She's been there for me since losing Emma and Chase.

I've been very, very happy for her, but I'm still going through my own grief process and I've had some hard moments.  The birth of her babies was triggering for me.  Some of it had to do with reliving the birth of Emma and Chase and some of it had to do with the "what if" mine had made it.  Honestly, I've done a very good job of staying in the moment and accepting life is what it is and finding ways to celebrate them and move forward with life.  With that said, grief is a process, it wasn't that long ago, and things still happen that knock me back and that was one.

She is a good friend and I'm here for her.  I visited her in the hospital and even saw her babies in the NICU.  I'm making her lactation cookies to help with her milk and I brought her Fennel essential oil as well to help.  I try very hard to not let grief get in the way of my joy for others and honestly being part of the infertility world, means lots and lots of people I care about have multiples and I'm happy for them.  We all have our story and it's okay that it ends up differently.

In any event, I've been struggling with my grief.  One night last week it was so bad that I just broke down crying and begged to make it to the next moment, which of course, I did and it's been better since then.

I live in two worlds sometimes and it seems hard to balance them.  Then on Sunday was the one year anniversary of when I lost Ivy.  I found out on 2/17, but per the ultrasound, he stopped developing on 2/12.  That was a hard day for me with everything.

There's also this pregnancy.  The good-I'm 32 weeks!!  Can you believe it?  I really can't either.  So, emotionally, I'm everywhere.  I have a kind of denial where I know in my head I'm going to have a baby, but I feel like it's not real.  Like I'm making it up or something.  I get weird when Anna's name is mentioned.  I'm having a hard time working on the nursery.  It's weird and I actually went through this with Katie as well.  All the way to bringing a baby home and thinking I was playing house and pretending I had a baby. I don't know if it's a self-protection thing or what.

I did come up with these colors.  I'm unsure which blue yet, I need to get samples of them on the wall and see.  The yellow is for sure and I want yellow butterflies on the wall.  The yellow will be an accent wall.

My baby shower is on Saturday and I can't believe that either.  I really wanted a butterfly dress, but that's actually kind of hard to find.  I have a top with a butterfly baby on the bump.  I wanted yellow, but it was either pink or blue, so I went with pink.  I hope Emma doesn't mind.  I don't think she will, I think that kind of thing only matters to me.

The bad-Okay, it's not bad, but not fun, but the BH are just really awful right now.  I'm talking I tracked them on Thurs before I saw my OB on Friday for 12 hours and I had 62 of them!!!  They range about 30-45 seconds each and I get them mostly in the morning and night and they slow down some during the day, but honestly I just have them all them all the time.  Slowing down is going from 14 in an hour to 6 in an hour.  The procardia isn't helping much anymore and my OB said it's less effective the further along I get.  However, I'm not effaced or dilated, so the progesterone is really working for me.  YAY! Everything else is looking good too.  I'm just very uncomfortable since I'm this far along, the BH, and a very active Anna.  She weighed 4 lbs 4 oz at my appt on Friday, so she's growing quite nicely.

Then I'm having a lot of guilt issues related to Katie. She's such an amazing little girl and I've been emotional lately and just feeling like the worst mom ever that I pretty much missed the whole second year of her life between being pregnant, losing the babies, etc. I know she'll never know and physically I was there, but I was a shell and she deserves far better.  She's so wonderful and lights up my life. 

So, it's just been a lot all at once and most of it in the past week.  I see my therapist tomorrow so I'll talk to her as well.  I'm also having more anxiety about delivering at the hospital since my friend had hers.  She delivered at the hospital I had Katie at, not the one I had the twins at (same one as this time as well), so it was easier to walk through those doors.

Tuesday, January 24, 2017

Struggling - Ivy

I was doing better earlier in the day, but as the day went on yesterday I just got more and more sad as I focused on all the different parts of my pregnancy with Ivy.  I was not a good mom to him.  A year ago today I was helping Katie paint a rainbow for DH's bday to tell him I was expecting.  I was only 11 dpiui, had just noticed the line get darker the day before and was anxious and unsure, but it was his bday and I wanted to make it special.

Just thinking about Ivy and struggling with the kind of mom I was.

Monday, January 23, 2017

Ivy's gift

A year go today I got my BFP with Ivy.  I remember the world of mixed feelings. I was in such a bad place and finding out I was pregnant with him didn't make any of it easier.  I still feel a lot of guilt when I remember how I spent the few precious weeks pregnant with him.

Tomorrow is my husband's birthday and the day I told him about Ivy.  I remember helping Katie paint a rainbow and had a quote and his EDD 10/5/16.

Nature reminds me of him, greens, leaves, trees, etc.  When I see them, they make me think of Ivy. Growth and new makes me think of him too.  He was the reason I started turning around and healing.  I didn't realize how badly I was doing until my heart was in so much pain, I had a hard time letting him in or having any room to love him.  I was just so incredibly broken.  Those of you who have been with me since the twins remember that.

I feel like a bad mom to him and just so much guilt, he got the worst of me.  Today I was thinking about him from the moment I woke up.  Wondering what it would've been like if he'd stayed, wondering how he'd be with Katie.  He was my last chance to raise a son.  I love my girls and I'm not at all disappointed in Anna being a girl, but raising a boy would've been different. I wonder what I would've named him.

This morning I was coming to work and I'd even mentioned him to a few of my friends.  Near the entrance of the building was a leaf, it's shaped like a heart. There are no trees near the entrance of the building.  There's some behind it and on the way other side of the parking lot.  We had high winds yesterday, but no other leaves were in the front, just that one, near the entrance, shaped like a heart.

I don't believe in coincidences.  I believe things happen for a reason, whether I agree or understand.  I believe this leaf is from Ivy.  It's keep me company at work today and I'll put it with his things when I get home. My guilt feels better at the moment, he knows I love him.  He's with me.  I didn't lose him, I just don't have him the way I hoped or wanted.  Because of him, I'll know get Anna.  Because of him I can be a better mom to Kate and Anna.

I have amazing kids and I'm a lucky mom. Thank you Ivy!  I love and miss you so much.

Saturday, January 14, 2017

3rd Trimester

Yesterday we made it to 28 weeks!!  I can't believe I'm in the third tri and suddenly things seem very real and very fast.  I'm so unprepared, but I know I'll get there.

Last week I had my GD test and I nearly passed out after.  I was driving and feeling so faint and dizzy.  I was even allowed to eat before it and I had 3 hard boiled eggs, an hour later the drink, an after that the blood draw.  I found out my result earlier this week-36!!

In general I've been feeling very depressed, lethargic, and honestly I was starting to get scared for how I was.  I wasn't bonding with Anna and I was getting scared about her coming. Last weekend I broke down to my husband about how bad I felt, how low my energy was, how I had no idea how on Earth I was going to take care of a newborn and Katie. I just couldn't do it.

When I talked to my MFM earlier this week she said I've probably been walking around with blood sugar in my 40s for a few weeks now.  This explains a lot of how I'm feeling.  In fact, she said I need to get off the Metformin.  I take it for reactive hypoglycemia, but I'm remembering now that even with Katie I had to reduce the amt in the second tri, and get off of it by the third for the same reasons.

Within 24 hours of being off of it I had more energy, better mood, I felt more "even".  Even my appetite was more steady and I was craving more normal foods and less sweets.  I'm not a big sweets eater and I'd begun to want that stuff all the time.  It all makes sense now.  It's now been quite a few days off the Met and my entire mood, energy, and outlook has changed.  I'm looking forward to meeting Anna, I feel more connected to her, less weepy, less depressed. My BH are so much more improved.  I was needing Procardia almost daily and now I haven't used it in days.

This is a bit of a hard month in general. Two years ago Emma and Chase were conceived this month and a year ago Ivy was.  Now I'm in my third tri with a baby I'm feeling confident I'll get to meet. It's taken a lot to bring me here, to bring me to Anna, and I can't wait to meet her in April and see her sweet face and give her kisses.

Everything is looking good right now.  I'm done with cervical checks because nothing more can be done with that.  They can still do some things if I go into PTL, but right now that isn't too much of a concern.  I'll be having growth checks with the MFM every 3 weeks.

Thursday, January 5, 2017

27 weeks

Well, not quite, that's really tomorrow, but same difference, am I right?

So, this past week....  Emotionally I've had a VERY hard time.  I'm having issues with connecting with Anna and honestly just feeling like a complete piece of shit on many different angles.  I could go on and on, but the short version is, I feel like a terrible mom in many different ways.

So, in addition to emotional stuff. the night of New Year's Eve, I had a bit of brown spotting.  It made me nervous, and I decided to watch and see.  I had more spotting New Year's Day, and then a bit more the next morning.  It was all very mild.  I thought my doctors offices would be open on Jan. 2nd, but it was a holiday for everyone, except for me.  I did call the on-call OB who told me to go home on bedrest and call the next day.

On Tuesday I called my MFMs office and she called me back and since I hadn't spotted for over 24 hours at that point, she said she'd message my OB to add an u/s to my appt today and go from there.  I had my u/s today and Anna looked great.  She's now 2 lbs, 4 oz, so she's gained 7 oz in 9 days!!  No wonder I'm eating all the time. Fluid, placenta, everything looked good.  At this time there's no way to know what is going on.

I also had my GD test today, and man, I hate that test.  Hopefully I passed.  I should know in a few days.  My OB thinks the spotting might be uterine growth, but he doesn't know.  They did take blood work for infection, just to make sure.

Steroid shots came up as well, because of my history.  He's going to discuss it further with the MFM and she'll probably talk to me about it on Tuesday, but they are considering it as a precaution.  Right now there's no signs of pre-term labor.

Also when I had the spotting, DH asked me about going to L&D to get checked out.  I couldn't go.  I mean I just froze in fear and panic at the thought of going there.  I honestly don't know how I'm supposed to give birth, even at term, because the thought of going there was not something I could handle.  I've brought this up to my therapist and I forgot to bring it up to my OB today since I was freaking out about the spotting, but I will when I see him in two weeks and I'll tell the MFM on Tuesday.

So, here I am, almost to the third tri, just one week left.  Things, I think, are okay.  We'll see.  I hope emotionally I can get myself together.

Friday, December 30, 2016

Anna Belle

Mary has a name!  DH and I decided on Anna Belle. Family hasn't cared for that name, so I actually haven't shared it with them yet.  Somehow having the name makes her more real.  With her being more real, came a lot more emotions, and not all of them good.

I don't know what it is, but for some reason after deciding on the name, I wanted to back out of it.  Even though it had been the name I'd wanted for so long.  I felt disconnected from her the min we decided it.  Then DH brought up painting the nursery and basically I shut down. I felt as if I made a huge mistake by having Anna and it was like I didn't want her. I know I do, I know how much I love her, but I didn't feel that way.  I don't know why.

I do know I've been struggling with a lot of grief over the holiday.  Wondering what it would've been like had Katie, Emma, and Chase celebrated together.  I still see them, but not her.  I've had trouble visualizing Anna into my family.

I do know the name is the right one, it's not that.  It's that I'm scared and just sad.  I wish I had all my children.  I've gotten a lot of comments over the holiday, things like can't wait for Katie to finally be a big sister. You'll have the "perfect family of 4". What is a perfect family?  I think my family would've been perfect if all my kids had been born alive. I guess I feel like with the birth of Anna, Emma, Chase, and Ivy will become insignificant.

Also, there's the fact that up until now I didn't actually think in my heart I'd get to bring Anna home. I was consumed with making it to viability, consumed with making sure I didn't get sick again.  My focus was on "if" she makes it.  Now "if" has become "when" and "most likely".  Can something still happen?  Absolutely, I'm well aware of placenta becoming detached, cord accidents, and other freak things that can happen.  Are these scenarios likely? No, not really.  If she were born today, it would be very scary and she'd be in a lot of danger, even with making viability. Viability is the chance to live, not the guarantee to live. But again, it's unlikely she'll be born this early.

At my appt on Tuesday, she weighed 1 lb, 13 oz (3 oz shy of 2 lbs), she's healthy and everything looked good.  Cervix very long and closed, no signs of dilation, no bleeding/spotting, I have plenty of fluid. I also told Kate about the baby on Tuesday and she came to the appt to see about the baby.  Not sure how much or what sunk in, but it will be an ongoing convo.

I did reach out online regarding my feelings and was told they aren't unusual.  I also told my MFM and will tell my OB next week.  Everyone has assured me that all of this is normal following a loss.  I also have a counseling appt where I'll be talking about it more.

With the realization I'm probably going to bring her home, comes the panic of getting things ready. I feel like I don't have any time, all of a sudden. April will be here soon, and there's a lot to do.  I know things can be done after she's here, but I also want to make it fair.  Katie had everything prepared before birth.  It's just all very mixed up in my head and I know somehow, someway it's going to be okay.  I know I'm so incredibly lucky to have the chance to bring her home.

Anna looks amazingly like Katie.  I'm talking they could almost be twins.  I wonder if they'll continue to look alike and if their coloring will be the same.  Here's a comparison pic of NB Katie (hours after birth) and the latest 3D image of Anna.

Here's to meeting my sweet rainbow in the New Year and to continuing to heal. Happy New Year's everyone, here's to 2017!

Sunday, December 25, 2016

Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas

I wanted to take a moment to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays.  Thank you to everyone who's been there and supported me through the good times and the hard times.

I'd be lying if I didn't admit I'm struggling a lot this holiday season.  I know I have my reasons to be happy and grateful and I am, but everything is complicated and grief is a process, not an event.

Wishing and praying for peace and light in everyone today.  Thank you all for the love and support.