Saturday, November 12, 2016

Rainbow Mary is a......

Gender reveal day came!  First time ever I didn't end up in the ER, yay!!  The progesterone shots are doing their thing.  Everything looks good!  I'll post more pics of decorations and stuff later when DH gets them off the camera, but for now to share to what everyone wants to know.

I LOVE this cake that our person made!  So gorgeous and it helped bring me peace when I got it.

So, is "Mary" a boy or a girl?



Thursday, November 10, 2016

Anatomy Scan

I'm 18w6d, the same gestation I was when Emma was born.  Tomorrow will be the same as when Chase was born.  It's hard to explain how I feel.

I had my anatomy scan with Mary this morning and he/she is doing wonderful. Everything looks good and in general it's been a good pregnancy so far.  I'm feeling more and more optimistic about bringing Mary home.

However, I do think about my twins.  Wish they'd gotten this level of support, of help.  They'd be here.  I'm trying not to just stay stuck on that because I can't change it, but it still hurts. It's hard to explain, it's a lot of emotions.

So, here's a shot of Mary from today.  Gender reveal on Saturday.  I'll be sure to share.

Saturday, November 5, 2016


Just a small victory I wanted to share.  I'm now 18w1d with Mary, and this is the farthest I've ever made it in any pregnancy without complications.

With Katie I started having complications at 16w0d and with Emma and Chase it was 18w0d. Both of these were within 1.5-2 weeks of stopping progesterone. I've been on my progesterone injections for two weeks now after being on suppositories since 2 dpiui.

I am still scared and having a lot of PTSD.  I think November may end up being my toughest month.  My therapist has increased my sessions for this month to help me and I'm working on it a day at a time.  Treasuring the good moments (now) and hanging on during the tough ones. Still 5w6d to viability (but who's counting).  This moment I feel hopeful I'm going to make it. I know viability isn't my ultimate goal, but it's a milestone where the baby has a chance, even if it's only 50%.  My real goal is not a day sooner than April.

Anatomy scan with my OB this Thursday (11/10) and gender reveal one week from today (11/12).  Some of my PTSD is around the reveal, along with gestation. I went to the ER with both Katie and the twins with their reveals. Meeting with a good friend of mine tomorrow to help me plan it and I told the cake lady my situation and she said she'd take care of everything to only drop off the envelope and check and pick it up in a week. This moment I'm feeling optimistic about the reveal and I'll be mailing out the invites today.

Okay, deep breath, one day and one moment at a time.  This moment I'm 18w1d, Mary is doing awesome, I'm feeling well.  It's going to be okay.  We're going to make it.  I know my sweet and precious angels are cheering us along and continue to be a part of my family.

Tuesday, November 1, 2016

7 ounces

I had my first cervical check with the MFM today.  Every two weeks she'll be measuring my cervix and seeing I'm dilated at all and checking for any sign of IC (incompetent cervix) or PTL (pre-term labor).  It's not believed I have IC, just PTL, which the progesterone shots should hopefully be helping with.

My cervix measured 6.31 cm today, which is awesome!!  You want over 4 cm.  So right now there's no sign of cervical shortening.

She also did a sort of anatomy scan where she measured and checked all diff parts of the baby.  I'm 17w4d today and she got most everything except the heart.  Everything looked normal, just some things she needed in the heart are still too small at this stage.  I also go the final a-okay on my CVS that this baby is genetically fine.

Then she told me how much the baby weighed today.  The baby is 7 oz.  7 oz.  That number struck a chord. Chase.  My beautiful, perfect Chase, was 7.2 oz at birth.  This baby was now the same weight as my oldest son when he was born.  I couldn't stop thinking about Chase after that moment. Chase, who should've just had his second Halloween. Chase at 7.2 oz whom I held.

The twins were born at 19 weeks and I am now 17 weeks.  I know what pretty much what this baby would like if he/she was born today. I can't stop seeing this baby and hoping I don't see him/her except via ultrasound, for quite a while still.

I cried a lot this afternoon after I got home from work.  Cried in grief for my son.  So far this baby is growing an oz a week (MFM said baby was 4 oz three weeks ago) so in two weeks when I return for my next check, baby will be about 9 oz.  Emma was 9.0 oz at birth.

I miss my kids so much.  I wish this had been done for them.  God, I wish I'd had the care then that I do now.  The white blood cell checks for infection, the cervical monitoring, all of it.  They'd be here, I know it.  They would.

I'm also having a hard time with my gender reveal.  It's at 19 weeks.  This month will be hard, these weeks hard.  I want to cancel it and just hide.  I just don't care what the gender is.  I feel like I should do this because I know the reveal has nothing to do with the outcome of the pregnancy.  Also, I did it for Katie and I celebrated and I had pictures.  I did go to the ER the morning of hers, with bleeding.  So the whole gender reveal thing is triggery.  But how do I tell this baby one day I was too scared to believe in you to celebrate?  I can't do that and so I'm trying, but it's just so hard.  I don't even know how I'm going to get the clubhouse it's at decorated.

I know this post is all over the place.  Just having a hard time tonight.  I'm glad Mary is doing well.

I'm having some BH that I'm tracking and also a lot of pelvic pain.  If I'm on my feet about an hourish, it hurts so bad I want to cry and I can hardly move.  My MFM recommended a belt, so I got one from amazon that should be here Thurs.

Monday, October 31, 2016

The Announcement

Feeling sick to my stomach and trying to get the guts to post this on social media, but this is it!  First official family picture.

Friday, October 28, 2016

17 weeks + update

I'm now 17 weeks!!  Can't believe I've made it this far, yet still a ways away from viability, but hey, everyday I'm closer.

I had my first progesterone shot today and I was pretty nervous about it.  I'd heard some icky things, but truth be told, it wasn't that bad.  The Novarel trigger shot is so much worse. Here's hoping this keeps Mary in until April.  18 more injections to go!!

I'm mostly doing okay.  I had a hard time last weekend and on the 20th, the twins EDD.  A very close friend of mine IRL is due one week before me and will be having twins.  Her ultrasound was 10/20, which hit home for me and then her gender reveal was a week ago.  She is having boy/girl twins and I'm elated for her, but the grief was real and I had my moments of sadness.  So much is being done this time, so much that Mary has a good a chance as possible to making it.  If something happens this time, it was literally out of everyone's hands.  I'm being checked for infections, cervial checks, progesterone shots, I'm taking supplements (pregnancy approved) to boost my immune system, keeping myself very healthy.  Watching for any and all signs of anything that doesn't feel right and I know should that happen, everything will be explored.  These are things that most likely would've saved their lives.  Ivy is different, because there was no way to save him from Trisomy 16.  The twins could've been saved.  Not saying it's anyone's fault, but I've had my moments of crying, my "what if" moments.  I accept that it's okay and normal, I grieve, I cry, I move forward.  I am so thankful and grateful to have a chance to bring Mary home and I feel more and more confident that I will.

Here are dates and things coming up:

Monday 10/31 - I'll be officially announcing my pregnancy on social media.  I'll post my announcement here as well.  Most people still do not know I'm pregnant.  I both show and don't show. It depends on what I wear and honestly some days I have more belly than others. Yesterday I realized I just do not fit into any of my pants anymore, so this weekend I'll be washing all my maternity stuff and embracing it.

Tuesday 11/1 - MFM appointment.  I'll be starting my cervical checks via ultrasound every two weeks until 24 weeks.  At that time we'll talk about how things are and if I need to continue with the MFM or not.

Thursday 11/10 - Anatomy scan with OB @ 19 weeks.   I'll have one with MFM too, but that will be scheduled on 11/1. Feeling less nervous about this since the CVS results came back normal.

Saturday 11/12 - Gender reveal!!! I'm honestly having an emotional time planning this.  It's more trigger than I realized.  However, Mary deserves to be celebrated in the same manner as my others.  I'll be 19 weeks, and that could be triggery for me.  At least it's after the anatomy scan and hopefully things will still be awesome.

Friday 12/16 - VIABILITY!!!! I'll be 24 weeks and it's also Katie's 3rd birthday!!  Hoping to really be celebrating this day.

This is the scary period for me.  I'm in the window where complications began with my prior pregnancies.  Katie's started at 16 weeks when I started bleeding, then twins at 18 weeks when I first had a real sign something was wrong. Truly hoping the scariest thing about this pregnancy was the Trisomy 18 scare.

Movement: I've felt a bit here and there, one day last week I felt Mary 3 times in one day!! Nothing daily or consistent in general though.  I'm guessing I will in the next few weeks. I also tried the doppler last week and found the heartbeat!!  That was awesome!!  Feeling a little nervous, so I'll probably do it again this weekend.

Overall things are going really great and for that I'm grateful!!  <3

Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Thank you!!!!

Thank you guys so much for all the love, thoughts, messages, prayers, just everything.  I know who some of you are, but not all of you and I'm so thankful for everyone's support.

I've had a very scary few days, but if that's the worst thing that happens this pregnancy, I will happily take it!!!  Now that I've calmed down a bit and finally eaten and slept I can post more.  I do read all the comments, so if there's any questions I'm happy to answer or do another blog post if I think others might want to know as well.

I'm now 15.5 weeks.  It is believed that the false positive might've come from one or both of the empty sacs from Mary's B & C, since this was a triplet pregnancy at the start.  My MFM told me typically DNA from those sacs will dissolve within 2 weeks, but something that might've been a sac was seen on the u/s on Tues when I first saw my MFM and also everyone is diff. I'm guessing one or both of the other Mary's, unfortunately, had Trisomy 18.

What I got yesterday are called FISH results.  They are the initial results from a CVS.  It means I'll get the full results in about a week, but the MFM told me she's seldom ever seen where they FISH results indicate everything's fine and then the full report comes back with an issue.  She said since the genetic test and FISH test came back fine (and FISH ruled out Trisomy 18), she's expecting an awesome report back with the full genetic testing too.  I'm just so glad this Mary is okay and it's looking more and more like I'll bring her home.

The MFM set me up with the progesterone injections.  I'm supposed to start them within a week.  My insurance approved the shots along with a home health nurse to administer them.  I need to call the nurse today to set it up and get this!  Her name is MARY!!!  LOL!!!  The signs are everywhere.  I also saw a yellow butterfly yesterday on my way to check the mail and yellow is Mary's color, so I just feel really positive about everything.  I know there's still a long way to go, but I'm not going to let it take away from how far he/she has come.

I see my MFM again 11/1 and I need to set up an OB appointment as well since I ran out of there crying on Thursday and never even completed my appointment.

Here's a little snapshot of Mary last Thurs before the scary news.

Oh!  One last thing: Gender.  I did get gender results with all this testing.  I personally do not know the gender.  It's sealed in an envelope.  I need to plan a reveal with family and I'll have to talk to hubby and figure out when to do it.  We will all find out at the same time. I'm guessing within the next few weeks.  I want to enjoy and celebrate this amazing baby and the gender is just fun for me, not at all of importance.  I don't have a preference, just want a healthy, living baby.  I do think Mary is a girl though.  A few have asked if Mary is a girl will I keep Mary and the answer is no.  My MIL's name is Marianne and I worry that other family might feel slighted and most of them don't understand the reference.  Very few IRL people see this blog, this is mostly my safety net where I can post my heart and thoughts.