Sunday, October 4, 2015


Today is one of these days I don't think I can make it. I don't think I can do it. I just want to break down and cry and cry until everything is empty. Today all I feel is pain, despair, loss, and darkness.

Thursday, October 1, 2015


I can hardly even breathe or function today.  I don't know how I'm going to make it through this month and it's only the first day.  I don't know how I'm going to fake happy holiday and Halloween and fall stuff for my daughter when I want to crawl into a hole and never come out.

This was the month they were due.  I know they weren't going to make their due date, 38 weeks is the furthest I was going to be allowed to go with the average twins being born 34-36 weeks.  Either way, all I can think about is that my life should be chaos with two newborns and a toddler.  I should be exhausted and thinking how will I ever do this?  Instead I'm wondering how will I ever make it through this month? How?  I can hardly breathe this morning.

October is also pregnancy and infant loss awareness month, so it's all together.  I'm also trying to process the reality that I will only ever have Katie on Earth.  That there may never be a rainbow, like truly trying to process this reality and it chokes me up. A rainbow would NEVER replace my Emma and Chase, but it was always important to me that my daughter grow up with a sibling.

This year started so promising.  After 6 months of unemployment, right when we were getting ready to sell our house and get something we could live on with my income, he was hired.  Not as much as he earned before, but enough for us to be okay.  We jumped right into treatments, I got the surprise and joy of my life.  It was going to be wonderful.  By mid-year it was all over, now this more recent hospitalization.  Things with my job.  Right now I feel so low and I can barely make it.  I can't do this.  I don't know how to do this.  I just want this year to end.

Somehow, someway, I have to get through it.  I can't worry about the whole month, right now I'm going to worry about the next few hours. I'm going to throw myself into my job and try to forget.  Now that the physical pain from the kidney is mostly again, I'm left with the emotional reality of everything.  I don't know how to do this.  I'm not strong, I am weak.  I am a monster.  I am not worthy of even what I have, let alone more.

Dear Emma and Chase, I love you more than I can ever express.  I miss you so much.  I'm sorry.

Monday, September 28, 2015

Back to work

Today is my first day back to work.  I'm physically feeling a lot better than I was a week ago and for sure even when I came home from the hospital, but I'm still sore and still recovering, and now, thanks to antibiotics, dealing with a yeast infection as well.  But the physical pain is lessening and while it's good, it also means the emotional pain is increasing since I don't have the physical to focus on.  I'm not going to go into my emotional pain very much, because what's the point?  It seems to be causing more bad things for me than good things for me to talk about it. I hurt.  I hurt bad.  I don't see how I'll ever feel better is the gist and summary of it.  Is 2015 over yet?

Saturday, September 26, 2015

A plea for my BBC friends

If you're on BBC and you follow my blog, I entered an infant pic of Katie for a contest.  I think for votes.  Anyways, if you have a moment and don't mind:

Thursday, September 24, 2015

4 months...

Here is what I definitely didn't expect, 4 months after I waslked into that ER in May, I'd be discharged from the hospital once again.

Huh? My next blog I thought would be about my first counseling appointment. Instead, it's about how Monday, I had to be admitted to the hospital again and should be discharged this evening. After a weekend of fever, severe back pain, shakes, chills, and sweats, that also included a trip to minor emergency with a dx of kidney infection and given antibiotics, I only got worse. Monday morning I saw my pcp who sent me to a nearby hospital for a ct scan. CT scan showed a severe infection in the right kidney and l was admitted to the hospital. Only good thing I can say is that I'm at a diff hospital than May. Although that hospital was a lot better/nicer.

I've learned that the infection I have is E. coli. It's the most common kidney infection. I have spent most of this week in horrific pain. I've gone through hours upon hours of fever, shakes, chills, and sweats. I've currently been fever free since 4:00 am and right now it's 2:30 and this is the longest I've gone. Also no shakes, chills, or sweats since then, just some pain still and I'm very exhausted.

I've had a lot of diff thoughts and moods all week. All the way from
This Karma/punishment for killing my babies to just general fears that I can't remain healthy. Had the failed cycle worked, I woukdve lost another bath this week and I keep trying to remind myself I wasnt pregnant this time. I am now terrified and want more testing, like autoimmune, but I hear it doesn't give much info and isn't real helpful. I'm just scared that no matter what I do I seem unable to get and stay healthy. Right now I'm scared to ever get pregnant again. Right now honestly just very scared, confused, and lost.

I also, months ago, did expect to be hospitalized im Sept but to give birth, not to deal with this, so this is also making ne emotional and how quickly life turned and I just don't know it's ever going to be okay.

My pcp wants to run an u/s on my kidney in six weeks to make sure everything looks good and in meeting with my RE for a consult on 10/13 to discuss any further testing we can do, next steps, etc. I'm def not doing any medicated anything until the six week kidney scan at the earliest.

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Medical and Emotional Update

RE Update: I met with my RE today to discuss the cycle and the next steps.  Let me begin with the damn coordinator pretty much lied to us.  She made it seem like we went from 11 million to 19 million sperm even though DH spilled most of the cup and that was a lie.  It was 19 million post wash, only 3.5 motile sperm.  Basically we had next to no sperm to work with.  On top of maybe I did or didn't have an egg to work with.  I don't see how this was even going to work.  It was an utter failure.

The good news is he doesn't see my FSH as a huge issue.  He says it's just consistent with DOR and what my body is.  He says FSH can fluctuate and honestly he's still very optimistic on my conception chances.  Since DH freaked out big time about the twin factor, my FSH for last cycle was lowered.  On the prior cycles it was 150 iu gonal f and then 75 iu menopur.  This time he only did 75 iu for both gonal f and monopur, so he's going to up it.  DH is fine with it and really feels like he caused our failure last cycle (he didn't), but anyways, that's the plan, along with Femara.

So, I call CD 1 for baseline.  CD 3-7 is Femara 5 mg.  Shots begin CD 6, my first follie check is CD 8 and we go from there.  I'm CD 6 today, so my guess is we'll begin end of Sept/early Oct and we'll see what happens.

PCP Update: I was so upset over my FSH increasing that I forgot to mention that my iron and hemoglobin are back to normal and I'm no longer anemic.  I'm still a the bottom of normal, but at least normal.  All my physical levels are normal and my body is now healthy again.

Emotional Update: I am NOT okay.  Not even slightly.  I am getting worse and worse every day.  Sinking more and more into despair and thoughts of self-harm are increasing. I'm starting to lose my ability to function and I don't feel like a good anything, I'm a shitty mom, friend, wife, daughter, etc. I've been trying to find a counselor and it's been mostly misses.  I finally had a hit and I have my first session next week on the 22nd.  I am so glad I'm going to see someone.  I wish it could be this week, but I'm hanging in there.  I'm hoping with all my heart that she's the right fit and maybe, just maybe I can climb out of this deep, dark hole I'm in and be the person my loved ones deserve.

Anyways, I figured I would do all the updates at once instead of a million diff blog updates.

Friday, September 11, 2015

Ovarian Reserve

I meet with my RE next week on the 16th, but it appears my DOR has gotten worse.  My FSH and E2 used to be normal.  My E2 in the low 20s (a bit low, but okay) and my FSH 6.9 (beautiful).  It was always my AMH that was low and my AFC.  Well, not anymore.  I asked for CD 3 labs today and while I don't have an updated AFC, my E2 is 26.6 (a little low, but not horrible) and my FSH went up to 10.4, which is considered "fair" and probably explains my response to this cycle.  I don't know anymore.  I guess I'll see what my RE says next week.