Tuesday, July 18, 2017


I've been on the Zoloft since Saturday. I saw online it can cause insomnia, so I chose to take it in the morning. For me it was causing sleepiness, so last night I tried it at night and I did experience pretty bad insomnia and nausea.

It's only been a few days, but I do feel calmer. I'm not breaking down as much and I feel functional. One bonus side effect is low appetite. I need to lose some weight anyways.

Today I feel angry and depressed. Just angry that I have to take the meds, angry about the PPD. Angry that I have issues, that I can't just enjoy my family. I have two beautiful an amazing girls and I'm trapped in this emotional hell and I'm missing them and missing their lives. I'm so angry at myself. How much of Katie's life did I miss after losing the twins? Now Anna. Se's already almost 4 months old and how present have I been? Truly present. You don't ever get this time back.

I hate being the way that I am. I'm mad at myself. Mad that I can't just get over, get past, get wherever it is I need to be to just live my life, enjoy my girls. I'll always miss my other twins, but will life always hurt so bad? Will I always be on the outside looking in wishing I could just live it?

It's hard to explain. I'm just sad and I'm angry and I wish I was a better person.

Friday, July 14, 2017

Followup with OB

I saw my OB today. I've been on the Wellbutrin for just over a week and haven't noticed any changes at all. I know these meds aren't supposed to work overnight, but he said most see something. I also had two complete breakdown episodes earlier this week where I just fell apart crying so hard I just couldn't get it together. Then I started going back to wishing I'd died with the twins because obviously I'm not any kind of decent parent. I want to note I'm not suicidal, just feeling like a horrible mother.

Anyways, I saw my OB today and told him everything about how I'm feeling and how I'm thinking. The anxiety portion as well as the depression portion. The part about falling part and having trouble keeping it together. He decided to switch me off Wellbutrin and I'll be trying Zoloft. He also increased my Klonopin slightly, but told me to really only take it as a last resort as it can be dangerous if you're driving and stuff. I'll start the Zoloft tonight. He said we'll give it a month and if there's no improvement, then he wants me to refer me to someone with more experience with this who can help me because he doesn't want to just go from pill to pill to pill. He was really great and understanding and just such a great doctor. I broke down in his office some, because I don't feel I have a right to feel the way that I do. How long I wanted Anna, the road it took to bring her home and for what? To give her less than the best? To be such a bad mom to her and to Kate?

I've declined a lot in the past week as far as my mental health goes. I missed an appt with my therapist because she changed my time last week over the holiday and I forgot and missed it and then she couldn't fit me in this week. Since I didn't feel I had a great appt with her before and now it's going on 3 weeks I just cancelled it, because what's the point? I'm also unsure if I'm going to yoga on Monday. I feel like quitting everything and just crawling into a hole.

I don't think I'm in a normal frame of mind. I think right now things are distorted because of my mental state so I can't really tell what is true and what is my perception. I'm hoping the medication can do that much, just get me to where I'm functional so I can figure out the next course of action. I don't want to be a lifer on the meds, but right now it's obvious I need something and I think it's the first step.

I'm still very, very ashamed of this. I can't believe how bad I'm letting down my family, but maybe the Zoloft will help. Maybe it can be a turning point for me. We'll see.

Sunday, July 9, 2017


Keeping this short since I honestly have a hard time talking about the ppd without wanting to shut down and crawl into a hole.

I've tried yoga for a while now and while it helps a bit, I still struggle a lot. I tried a supplement and I thought the first day it was life changing, but it seems like it only worked that one day. I had an appt with my counselor and was supposed to have another one this week. I didn't feel like I got much out of it the first appt, almost like the PPD was dismissed. I accidentally missed the next appt because we changed the time and I forgot. She didn't have any other openings. I scheduled for next week and then cancelled because I struggle to talk about anything and I just don't feel it's going to make a diff.

All other resources posted on my blog or given to me from anyone who knows have come to dead ends. People on maternity leave so I can't be seen for over a month, no people to see in my area (very hard to travel too far with a job and two young kids), so nothing much worked out. I called my OBs office again since I have a work break first week of August. I talked to the nurse who talked to another doctor there and they don't want me to wait for meds. They asked me about Lexapro, but I had a horrible reaction about a year and a half ago on it. So they are trying Welbutrin. I'm also taking the Klonopin for the anxiety and that's working well for that, but not the depression.

I've been on Welbutrin since Thursday and so far no difference. My cycles have started back too, so that's fun.  OB will supposedly call on Monday to check in with me since he'll be back in the office and then they can do an in person follow up the week I have off of work. We'll see. I know I took this med once before years ago and I don't think it did anything, but that was under diff circumstances.

I hate myself so much for this. I have a good family and I love them, I just hate the way I feel and I hate myself for it. I don't deserve any of them. I just want to crawl into a cave and never come out.

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

Three Months

How is it possible that my newborn has transformed into an infant? I swear I was just pregnant with her and then she was born and now she's an infant!

Her personality is blossoming as well. Other than colic (8:00 pm to 1:30 am), she doesn't cry much and she's as happy as can be. Her nights and days are still mixed up. She's spending all her waking moments trying to flip over from back to stomach, she has no interest in stomach to back. She can get to her side. She also loves to grab at items. She's very relaxed and just loving life.

I got this outfit at my baby shower and wanted to get a picture of Anna in it before she outgrows it. For me the rainbow is the pain and tears, not my kids. My kids will never be my storm.

She is such an amazing girl and I am lucky to have her. I love getting to see her grow and change and come into her own little by little.

As far as the PPD goes, it's not any better. I did see my therapist last week but the session was more, here's how the past 3 months have gone type thing. I'm struggling a lot and have had a few breakdowns. I did to back on facebook because I had many people messaging me and asking why I deleted them. I honestly couldn't handle the questions and I'm not open with people about how much I'm struggling so I didn't want to explain anything.

The anxiety is bad and so is the depression. I cry a lot. Katie does not like Anna any more now than three months ago. I could go on and on, but it's hard for me to talk about it. I am so ashamed of how I feel. I wanted her so much and how dare I feel like I do?

I called to make an appt with my OB, but he's on vacation this week and next and ti's hard to get in with summer school. So I don't know when I'll be able to see him and I'm losing my nerve anyways. I just want to go crawl into a cave and live there.

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

Thank You

I want to thank those of you who left me comments and just thank you for the support. I feel so ashamed and embarrassed about this. Also more people are finding out I left FB and now I'm having anxiety about reactivating my account. Having everyone be like where did you go and what happened? But one step at a time, trying not to think about that.

I made an appt to see my therapist on Thursday. I'm not sure how to even get myself in her office because I'm deeply ashamed for how I feel. I just want to go hide in a cave. I love my girls so much it's all just so complicated and I hate myself for not enjoying them and feeling the way that I do. However, they are worth their mom getting better so I'm trying. I'm going to make myself go there.

I did yoga last night and I'm feeling better emotionally from that too. I'm trying, I'm really trying. I want to be better, to live better, to find happiness. I love my girls, I really really do.

I'll keep updating, if anything, for the accountability. Thank you guys for the support and the loving words. They mean so much.

Now to show off the pics I had made for DH for his Father's Day gift from the girls. Can you believe Anna will be 3 months old in a week?

Saturday, June 17, 2017

Time for help

I don't know why I'm making this post. I guess to acknowledge out loud and maybe by making it "real", I'll actually get some help.

I am not okay, I'm not doing okay. The PPD/PPA is taking over my life. I have constant anxiety about everything. Every horrific news article becomes the sight of my children. I'm constantly anxious about things and I'm very obsessive over things that need to get done, cleaned up, fixed immediately. I'm also just never happy. DH took Anna last night so I could sleep since with colic and my going back to work I maybe get 2-3 hours a night. This morning everyone is asleep, I was rested, I'm having my coffee and I'm just sad, very very sad. I shouldn't be.

Katie doesn't like her sister and has been quite the threenager. Anna has colic, but otherwise is just sweet and happy. I have an involved and helpful DH. I'm just snappy all the time at everyone and there's lots of anger, where there shouldn't be. I feel connected to the kids, but I don't enjoy them? It's hard to explain. I feel scared to take the girls by myself anywhere, even though I've done it recently.

I hate myself and I feel like a constant failure. I feel like I can't do right by either girl. I don't regret Anna, I love her with all my heart. I can't believe I'm lucky enough to have her. However, I feel like I'm really struggling to parent more than one child. Then there's guilt over my angels, because if I'm having this hard a time with adding Anna, how would I have ever managed the twins? Then I feel like I deserved to lose them because I'm obviously not a fit parent. Just on and on these thoughts and feelings go. I break down crying all the time.

I don't want to fight every day. I want to enjoy my family. Yes, this time is challenging, but I don't think I should be struggling as much as I am. I'm ashamed. How long have I wanted this? How much did it take for me to bring another baby home? I feel like it's all my fault, like I'm ungrateful for my family. I just feel so low right now and I can hardly pick up my head.

I'm having panic attacks. I've been trying yoga to see if it helps. It was helping, then while I was at it last Monday (second time), things fell apart at home with DH and now I'm scared to leave the house, although he tells me to go and that it's okay. Basically Katie's behavior was out of control while I was out, escalating to the dangerous while he was holding and feeding Anna. He said for me to go again on Monday and it would be okay at home. I said okay, but I'm really hesitant. I know I should call my counselor too and I want to, maybe this will make me actually do it rather than acknowledge I need to and then not. That would take me away from home two evenings a week for about two hours, when you add in commuting time.

I feel like I can't leave, like I need to be here with them all the time. I drive as fast I can home from work, I don't let DH take Anna at night unless I can hardly keep my eyes open. I'm just not doing okay. I deactivated my Facebook last Monday after I got back from yoga and had a panic attack. I also got into a fight with DH over the twins ashes and told him I was moving out with the kids. Just all kinds of irrational thinking.

I don't do well with SSRIs so I won't be getting those. I did do well with Klonopin to help my anxiety, but I'm still BFing some. Anna will no longer nurse, but I pump and make enough for two bottles a day. I've decided I'll stop when she's 3 months because it's taking a lot more work for me to feed her than the benefit is. I might consider meds after that. I dunno. I don't know anything anymore.

I hate that I let everyone down. I hate that I'm such a failure. I hate that I don't deserve my kids. That I'm not the mom they deserve. I hate that I'm not better.

Sunday, May 28, 2017

Two Months

How is this girl of mine already two months old? I can hardly believe it. She has outgrown newborn sizes completely and now is in a size 1 diaper and 0-3 month clothes. I can even put some 3 month stuff on her, although it's baggy.

She is every bit as sweet as she looks. However, I do think she has some colic in the evenings. She has her witching hour around 7-8 and she doesn't calm down until sometime 10:30-midnight. She does seem to prefer me over other people. For example, DH was tying to let me sleep last night so he took over Anna. At 2:00 am I heard her crying and he said she hadn't slept at all since 9:00. I took her and the minute her head was at my shoulder she passed out until 6:00 when hunger woke her.

She weighs 10 lbs 8.5 oz and is 20" tall. She has good eye contact, smiles, and tracks things, especially if she sees me walking around a room. She moves around a lot and can do this army crawl thing. She also has wonderful head control and in general a strong core. This girl does not want to be left behind in any way, shape, or form.

I started using some essential oils for the PPD. I put a roller of lavender, bergamot, ylang ylang, and roman chamomile. It seems to be helping. Right now I'm getting any outside assistance because I'm embarrassed by it and just ashamed. It's hard to explain how I feel lately, just very unworthy and like I can't do anything right and I'm a screw up in every area of my life. The oils have helped me with patience, emotional stability, and being able to enjoy the kiddos more.