Wednesday, August 24, 2016

Conflicting emotions

I'm the kind of person who always needs time to process information.  I usually tend to need things to sink in before knowing how I feel about something.  As yesterday's ultrasound sat in my mind and I processed it between work and dealing with some health issues concerning, Katie, I started to get sad.  My feelings are honestly all over the place.  My therapist is on vacay this week anyways, so I just have to deal with it.

I wanted a singleton, however, this began as a triplet pregnancy.  Even though two of the sacs stopped developing before a baby was formed, I still feel a loss.  I'm also feeling a lot of guilt regarding Emma, Chase, and Ivy.  Things I'm doing differently because they are gone, things doctors will do differently.  I'm thinking ahead in the future and, of course, they aren't in the picture.  They are my kids and I will love them with each breath of my life.  I miss them and wish I could bring them back, but they'll reside in my heart and hopefully in the heart of their siblings (and father), but as far as when I envision the future, it includes two children, Kate and "Mary."

So, I'm really struggling and having a new wave of grief with my three angels, plus trying to find in Mary's B & C.  Do I name them?  Is this a loss of potential pregnancy?  A loss of pregnancy?  Where they do they fit in?  What happened?  Why did they stop developing?  Is something also wrong with Mary A and I just haven't seen it yet?  I'm getting more scared for Mary A because I'm barely into the first tri and 2/3 of the pregnancy is already gone. I'm having a hard time finding the optimism for Mary A today.

I'm also having a lot of guilt with Mary's B & C, similar to my feelings with Ivy.  With Ivy, I had a hard time emotionally, and after I conceived him, I had a hard time accepting and wanting him.  And then her was gone.  Likewise I'd hoped and prayed for a singleton, because I'm high risk, because things ended badly with two, because the more babies I carry, the higher the chance of losing them, of prematurity, of defects, issues, etc. There's also the financial realities too, it would be very hard for me to afford that many children and provide a life for them.  I was going to accept what I got, but I feel like they all died because I "wished them away" so to speak.

I'm just very torn and having a hard time finding my way from here. I'm also worried about things in general.

Tuesday, August 23, 2016

Mary's second ultrasound

I had my followup ultrasound today to see what's going on with Mary.

The two iffy sacs from last time are indeed nonviable.  They have yolk sacs, but neither progressed beyond that point. I'm extremely conflicted about what's happened.  I wanted a singleton pregnancy.  For many reasons I'd hoped not to have multiples and I am relieved to have one, healthy baby, at this time.  However, knowing that the other two eggs did fertilize, that I should have two more babies is hard.  I am mourning their loss and wonder what happened.  I'm very glad and grateful for Mary and hope he/she continues to thrive and do well.  I am also comforted by the fact that the other two sacs contained yolk sacs, but no fetal poles or babies.

As for my "Mary" she is doing wonderful.  Mary measures 7w2d and has a strong heartbeat of 153.  My due date is April 10th.  My next appointment is September 6th.

Friday, August 19, 2016

Day of Hope

I've been doing a lot of reflecting this week.  I'm back at work now and I'm really able to see "how" I'm doing.  What I'm noticing is really shocking me.

I didn't realize how bad I was doing.  I had no idea I was falling apart so badly, I woke up each day literally trying to keep the pieces together.  I didn't realize that each day was about survival, about picking myself up, about just physically existing through my day.  That's all I did all of last year.  And I had days I did that better than others.  I had days where I literally survived minute to minute and prayed I'd get to the next.  I had days I gave up, so many days driving to work I tried to see which tree I could hit the hardest when I "accidentally" swerved off the road.  I had days where I was numb and it was easier.  Every single day was a struggle.  I was a shell to everyone who saw me.  How I ever made it, I'll never know, but I did.

Then I got pregnant again in January and things got worse.  I was angry at being pregnant, angry that Ivy wasn't Emma and Chase and never would be.  I was angry at myself, at God, at life, at everyone and everything.  I don't know how to express anger, so it turned inward.  Then Ivy died and had to be removed from my body and the little bit of soul I had left with him.  I fell down further until by the end of April I couldn't climb out and the light had long blown out.  In a desperate move I tried to find a gun.  I came to my senses and nothing ever happened, physically.  I had a lot of other emotional responses, but I saw that I was not okay and I was not living.

I climbed up after that.  I told myself I was going to get better.  I didn't ever want another pregnancy like Ivy, never wanted to have so much anger, sadness, and desperation that it blocked out the love I had for others.  I started doing more in therapy, I slowly stopped the meds I was on, the ones that were numbing me.  I reread the Tom Zuba book (please, please if you have lost a loved one, no matter who or in what capacity, read this book!) and I moved forward.

On the anniversary of Chase's death I fell down the stairs.  I had a hard time with that. I couldn't walk and emotionally I struggled, but it still wasn't like before.  I slowed down and spent more time with Katie. This was the first summer I truly got to be with her and she is so amazing.  I was grateful for all we had, the songs, the places we went (once I could walk), the art projects, the messes, the potty training, all of it.  I cooked food, went swimming as a family (once I could go in a pool again), and saw some friends.

I felt I came to a place where I could try one more time for another family member and close that chapter and we know where I am now with that.  I've gone back to work and I'm smiling, I'm "with" it, I feel like I haven't been to work in years because emotionally I was just surviving last year.  Anyone who has seen me, can see how I am, how much I've changed.

I feel guilty this week.  Guilty for letting life back in.  Guilty for smiling, guilty for being "okay" and I mean truly "okay."  Guilty that I know I can live without Emma, Chase, or Ivy in my physical world.  Oh I think about them every single day.  Every morning they are my first thought.  I miss them and I wish I could see them, hold them, and be with them.  I talk to them in my heart.  But I'm guilty that I'm moving forward, truly moving forward with my life.  I have plans and goals, I look forward to things, I smile from my heart, not just with my face.

I don't know what to do with this guilt.  I feel in some ways I'm betraying them.  How dare I be happy without them?  How are I be okay without them?  How dare I accept and even more, embrace this life that they are not a part of?  Is keeping them in my heart enough?  Is not suffering every minute enough?  Is it okay to be glad for the living child I have while others didn't?  I am struggling with this.  In my head I know it is okay.  In my heart I feel a betrayal.  It's something I'll talk to my therapist about.  It's something I'll continue to work on.  I've come a long way from where I was before.

Today, is August 19th, which is the day of Hope for our babies who are no longer with us.  I'm trying to think of what this means to me.  How does HOPE relate to my children who have none?

I have Hope that they are WITH me, just not in physical form.  They are apart of my every day, of my life.  I have Hope that will live through their siblings, that they will be with them throughout life.  I have Hope that I will never forget them, never stop loving them, never miss them.  I have Hope that I can live life knowing I am better because of them, grateful they are mine and a part of my life, happy that I am their mom and that nothing can ever change that.  Hope that I can parent them in a different way, bu saying their name, telling their story, and supporting others who also have loved and lost and are trying to make their way through.  There is hope for Emma, hope for Chase, and hope for Ivy that even though they aren't a part of this world physically, they still affect it, they are still within me, and that they still touch others.

Every word of the following is true for Emma, Chase, Ivy, and all the other babies that left our world before we wanted:


I realize a lot of this is ramblings, but it's thoughts that have been running through my head.  I miss my babies so much.  I'm in a better place, but I still miss them, and I still love them.  I'm grateful for Mary and hope Mary ends up on Earth with me, but I accept he/she may not. Emma, Chase, and Ivy, you are forever loved and forever remembered.

Monday, August 15, 2016

Mary's first u/s

Today's u/s was hit and miss.  Here's the good:

Mary A is doing great so far!  He/she has a strong heartbreat and measures perfect.  Mary B has a sac and maybe something, but hard to measure/see more at this point.  Mary C looks like an empty sac.  Honestly, it's hard to know right now with Mary's B & C.  My next appt is next Wed, 8/24 and I'll know more then.


Mary A on the left, Mary's B and C stacked on the right on top of each other.




This is Mary A, the flicker in the middle is the baby.


How am I feeling?  Very, very mixed. I'm scared for anything more than one baby, although even one is scary right now.  I'm trying to adopt the attitude of right now I have one baby that looks perfect for the gestation and for this I'm glad and grateful.  One day at a time and I'll worry about tomorrow, tomorrow.  Feelings are subject to change (and will), of course!

Sunday, August 14, 2016

Terrified

So, tomorrow is the ultrasound that will tell me what's going on.  I'm so scared.  My biggest fear is a non-viable pregnancy, like with Ivy, followed by multiples.  DH's fears are switched.

Friday night I didn't sleep well and had anxiety all night and then Saturday morning I was in a full blown panic attack, plus it started storming, which makes it worse.  I had anxiety most of yesterday and took a unisom to help me sleep.  Today has been a bit better since I got rest, but as it's getting closer I'm just more and more afraid.

To everyone thinking of me, praying, reaching out, thank you.  I'll update tomorrow.

Tuesday, August 9, 2016

Feelings

It's been a week.  Lots of up and down and lots of emotions.  I had counseling yesterday and spilled them all out for her.  She agreed I'm still doing well and these thoughts are normal.  They don't get in the way of my day to day.  I don't cry all day long and can't function because of them.  I'm someone who's lost three children and none of this is easy.  I'm trying to believe in Mary, but every time I think about my ultrasound Monday I think of the day of Ivy's ultrasound.  So many feelings.

Happy
I am happy to be pregnant and to have this chance to bring Mary home.  I honestly didn't think I would get another opportunity, but I did.  I am glad that so far everything looks good.  I haven't had bleeding, spotting, or anything else scary. It makes me smile to think of bringing home a baby of watching Katie grow up with someone, of imagining what a new member might look and act like.

Fear
I'm so scared I'm going to lose Mary.  Scared of the ultrasound Monday, scared that even if that one goes well, I'm still very far away from bringing home Mary.  I'm scared that something is going to go wrong and I know until Mary is in my arms (and I pray this happens), I will just be in fear.  How could I not be?  

Guilt
I feel guilty that I'm more happy and excited about this pregnancy than I was about Ivy.  I feel so guilty that Ivy got the worst of me.  I try to believe that he knows I love him and I'm sorry. Physically I did the right stuff. I didn't drink alcohol, watched what I ate, took progesterone, didn't drink coffee, etc.  Emotionally, I was grieving so hard I didn't have a chance to be happy about him.  I was also so scared I'd lose him I didn't want to connect.  My fears came true and I did lose him and in the end it didn't matter that I didn't emotionally open my heart, he was already there and it still hurt.  I feel guilty about all my angels, that they are gone, and now I'm daring to dream of a future where I see a different child grow up with Katie that isn't them.  A different child in my future.  My angels will always be with me in my heart, but it's not the same as having them in my home.

Hope
I'm hopeful that this time it might be different.  Maybe more like Katie, a few blips, but ultimately bringing home a baby.  I have hope that with so many members on board it's going to go well, that Mary will live and Mary will get to be raised by me and her dad and grow up alongside Katie.

Grief
No matter what I will never, ever have all my kids in my home.  I feel this emptiness, this hole where they should be and they aren't.  I wish I could have them all.  I wish I could hold them, I wish I could tell them I love them.  I wish I had one more day with each of them. I miss them so much.

Anger
I'm angry that my innocence is gone.  Mary will never be "safe" and it's never going to be okay until/unless Mary is placed in my arms.  There's no place in pregnancy where I can let the guard down, even if I reach viability, that doesn't mean Mary will come home and I know this. I'm angry when I see so many others celebrating because I feel robbed of this.  I'm angry that my other kids are not with me.  I'm angry that infertility has caused me to do treatments that put me at risk for multiples and a higher risk of not bringing home a living child.

I feel all of these and more.  Lately it's more overwhelming.  I'm trying to enjoy Katie with every minute I have and focus that today Mary is okay, as far as I know.  That right now I don't have a reason to worry, but the fears are still there. Praying so hard on Monday I see a heartbeat on the ultrasound. 


Wednesday, August 3, 2016

Bad Mom

Right now I just want to cry. People seem to think I can do this, people seem to think it's going to be okay.  It's not going to be okay.  The last two days I've realized how utterly selfish I was in doing this final treatment. I'm a horrible mom to "Mary." How dare I try to get pregnant?

How will this end okay?  I don't even see it being possible. I brought innocent life into a broken body.  3 other children didn't make it and I don't see why this is different.  This is even worse because unlike last time when I didn't know I had thyroid issues, now I do know.  And I still went and did it and now I can't find a good doctor to manage it.  I only have doctors that look at what's in range and say I'm fine, which isn't true.  It's 99 here and I'm in a sweater and socks because I am freezing cold.  I have off/on heart palpitations.  The one recommended doctor covered by insurance in my area, can't see me.  Mary is going to die.  I don't know when, I don't know how long, and I'll keep finding, because I owe him/her/them, but I'm a shit mom for this and I'm ashamed of myself.

I just wanted to bring another child home, another child to love, a child for Katie to grow up with, but I was selfish.  Making kids is one thing, giving them a proper body to grow is another and I failed. I failed WITH knowledge this time and however this happens, I deserve it.  I just hope Mary knows how sorry I am.  How much I love him/her/them and how I didn't realize I was being this selfish until it was too late.

I'm also having a lot of guilt about Ivy. Poor Ivy, I was selfish then too.  Getting pregnant and my poor son never had love from my heart. I did what I was supposed to do as far as food, drink, supps, etc, but I almost despised him for being him and not my twins.  I'm just a very sick, awful person.  I disgust myself.