Friday, March 17, 2017

37 week appointment

I saw my MFM yesterday for my final appointment with her.  Anna Belle is as healthy as can be and her organs, fluid, etc all look fantastic.  However, she is most likely going to be a small baby, similar to her siblings.  I've started wondering if the fact that I have hypoglycemia contributes to smaller babies in the same way that women who get gestational diabetes tend to have bigger babies, but who knows.  Katie was born in the 4th percentile for her size (6 lbs, 11 oz. and 17.75" long at 39w6d), but her apgars were 9 and 9 and she was a very healthy baby (aside from reflux and GI issues as I've come to learn). Anna is bigger on the OB machines, but the MFM machines are better.  Her estimated weight yesterday was 6 lbs. 0z. She measured an overall 35w2d and in the 23rd percentile.

We talked about the fact that since about 16 weeks I've had the Braxton Hicks and that it's increased in intensity and frequency throughout the pregnancy.  I'm not going to lie, I hurt almost all the time these days. I assume most do, considering I'm early term. She said she recommends an induction at 39 weeks and would send a note to my OB, this puts me at the tail end of March.

Okay, induction.  I'm going to admit I'm torn. Part of me wants to let nature handle it.  Actually, most of me does.  It's not like going into labor has been a prior concern on my part, more like making sure it happens late enough. With this much BH I do wonder when I'd actually know I was in labor, but that's a diff story. I've never known when I was in labor.  I went to the hospital with PTL with Katie ONLY because coworkers were bugging the crap out of me because I was too uncomfortable to sit and was walking around and then my back was kinda sore too.  I'd also had nonstop BH so none of that had me running anywhere at that point. It was a good thing I did listen to them since I was completely thinned out and 4 cm at that point (33 weeks). Then I went to actually deliver her after my water broke. With the twins, I had no idea I'd be delivering them.  I had a fever and the BH seemed extra bad, since I was getting ready for the gender reveal I thought I better get checked out "in case" and well....  So, I dunno what to expect this time around. Of course I may not even make it to 39 weeks and then all of this is pointless.

So, why induce?  Frankly, I could care less about the pain.  Yes, it sucks. I don't want to do anything too early and possibly hurt this precious girl because I can't tough it out for another few days/week.  My concern is I'm terrified to enter that hospital and deliver. Like I freak out just imagining going in there.  I imagine it might be worse if I'm in heavy labor, my water is broken, and basically my sense of panic is heightened. Is that a good enough reason though?  I don't know.  I just honestly don't know. DH and I did agree that if there's no medical necessity, it def needs to be April and probably after the 40 week appt just to make sure she really is okay. I know with fertility treatments the margin of error is less, it's not like I'm guessing on when I conceived, but at the same time that first u/s had my edd closer to 4/10 and then the 4/6 date was based off IUI. I do agree with my OB that I shouldn't go beyond 41 weeks.

So, much to think about if I make it to my next appt with him on 3/24 and he'll also check to see how much progress I've made at that time. It's suddenly becoming quite real.

Nursery is coming along and once it's finished or near finished I will share pictures of it.

For now, it's the day I've been waiting for, BEAUTY AND THE BEAST!!!!!

Tuesday, March 14, 2017

36 weeks

Sorry I've been so quiet.  I've been having some ups and down's, had my shower, and now I'm wondering how am I pretty much term and scrambling to get ready for my precious Anna Belle.

A recap of how things have been going. I had a wonderful shower thrown by my MIL and much love and support from so many friends.  It was a beautiful shower and I'm grateful my MIL did this for me.  Here's a few pics.  This was at 33 weeks.

At 34 weeks, I had a growth scan that scared me.  She'd only gained 3 oz in two weeks and went from the 47th percentile to the 13th.  My MFM wasn't worried, but I just keep waiting for the other shoe to drop so I was in freak out mode.  I also had a lot of anxiety about setting up the nursery, because even though I know in my head she's probably going to be okay and things will be fine, I'm terrified that something will and I have trouble picturing her or really believing in my heart I'll get to bring her home. Also, just had a lot of anxiety in general about setting up the nursery.  I had it pictures for the twins during the pregnancy, all the way for wall color to decorations to everything and it my mind and heart it remained "their room" and just a lot of guilt.

However, my mom helped me with samples and we finally picked out wall colors (a gorgeous sky blue with a yellow accent wall) and my mom even found beautiful butterfly fabric to make curtains, blanket and some other decorations. The walls were painted this past weekend and my anxiety is starting to go away.  I see the room as Anna's room now.  I have an idea of how to place the furniture and getting it decorated and I'm starting to get excited and hopeful, although I still deal with anxiety.

I'll share nursery photos when it's done, hoping to get the bulk of it done this week so hoping to show off pics by 38 weeks.

My 36 week check went perfect!!  She's back around the 50th percentile and she's at 6 lbs. 6 oz as of last Friday. Her lungs and everything look great. She's moving up a storm and I'm sore as anything, lol. I'm starting to thin out and dilated a finger tip. I have my last appt with MFM this Thursday and then weekly with OB until delivery. I also had my last progesterone shot last Friday. The BH are pretty intense, but not much can be done about that. Physically I don't feel great, but I'm so glad to be this far along, still carrying her, and that everything is going well.  I'm confident I'll make it to April.

Today I'm doing maternity pics and working on nursery stuff and thank you cards from my shower. I'll share those too when I get my pics back.  It's all suddenly happening fast.  I'm terrified of going to that hospital for delivery and hope I can go when it's time.

Thank you everyone who's praying for us, thinking about us, and continuing to support me  and for always remembering all my children.

Tuesday, February 14, 2017


I know it's been a little while and I'm sorry.  I've honestly just been dealing with so much I've been trying to process on my own before putting it down on paper.  Mostly in the past week.

A week ago today, a very good friend of mine, who's pregnant with b/g twins gave birth.  She was 32 weeks, so definitely NICU babies, but will absolutely make it and come home.  She'd had steroid injections already too. Her due date and mine are a week apart and she conceived via Clomid.  She's been there for me since losing Emma and Chase.

I've been very, very happy for her, but I'm still going through my own grief process and I've had some hard moments.  The birth of her babies was triggering for me.  Some of it had to do with reliving the birth of Emma and Chase and some of it had to do with the "what if" mine had made it.  Honestly, I've done a very good job of staying in the moment and accepting life is what it is and finding ways to celebrate them and move forward with life.  With that said, grief is a process, it wasn't that long ago, and things still happen that knock me back and that was one.

She is a good friend and I'm here for her.  I visited her in the hospital and even saw her babies in the NICU.  I'm making her lactation cookies to help with her milk and I brought her Fennel essential oil as well to help.  I try very hard to not let grief get in the way of my joy for others and honestly being part of the infertility world, means lots and lots of people I care about have multiples and I'm happy for them.  We all have our story and it's okay that it ends up differently.

In any event, I've been struggling with my grief.  One night last week it was so bad that I just broke down crying and begged to make it to the next moment, which of course, I did and it's been better since then.

I live in two worlds sometimes and it seems hard to balance them.  Then on Sunday was the one year anniversary of when I lost Ivy.  I found out on 2/17, but per the ultrasound, he stopped developing on 2/12.  That was a hard day for me with everything.

There's also this pregnancy.  The good-I'm 32 weeks!!  Can you believe it?  I really can't either.  So, emotionally, I'm everywhere.  I have a kind of denial where I know in my head I'm going to have a baby, but I feel like it's not real.  Like I'm making it up or something.  I get weird when Anna's name is mentioned.  I'm having a hard time working on the nursery.  It's weird and I actually went through this with Katie as well.  All the way to bringing a baby home and thinking I was playing house and pretending I had a baby. I don't know if it's a self-protection thing or what.

I did come up with these colors.  I'm unsure which blue yet, I need to get samples of them on the wall and see.  The yellow is for sure and I want yellow butterflies on the wall.  The yellow will be an accent wall.

My baby shower is on Saturday and I can't believe that either.  I really wanted a butterfly dress, but that's actually kind of hard to find.  I have a top with a butterfly baby on the bump.  I wanted yellow, but it was either pink or blue, so I went with pink.  I hope Emma doesn't mind.  I don't think she will, I think that kind of thing only matters to me.

The bad-Okay, it's not bad, but not fun, but the BH are just really awful right now.  I'm talking I tracked them on Thurs before I saw my OB on Friday for 12 hours and I had 62 of them!!!  They range about 30-45 seconds each and I get them mostly in the morning and night and they slow down some during the day, but honestly I just have them all them all the time.  Slowing down is going from 14 in an hour to 6 in an hour.  The procardia isn't helping much anymore and my OB said it's less effective the further along I get.  However, I'm not effaced or dilated, so the progesterone is really working for me.  YAY! Everything else is looking good too.  I'm just very uncomfortable since I'm this far along, the BH, and a very active Anna.  She weighed 4 lbs 4 oz at my appt on Friday, so she's growing quite nicely.

Then I'm having a lot of guilt issues related to Katie. She's such an amazing little girl and I've been emotional lately and just feeling like the worst mom ever that I pretty much missed the whole second year of her life between being pregnant, losing the babies, etc. I know she'll never know and physically I was there, but I was a shell and she deserves far better.  She's so wonderful and lights up my life. 

So, it's just been a lot all at once and most of it in the past week.  I see my therapist tomorrow so I'll talk to her as well.  I'm also having more anxiety about delivering at the hospital since my friend had hers.  She delivered at the hospital I had Katie at, not the one I had the twins at (same one as this time as well), so it was easier to walk through those doors.

Tuesday, January 24, 2017

Struggling - Ivy

I was doing better earlier in the day, but as the day went on yesterday I just got more and more sad as I focused on all the different parts of my pregnancy with Ivy.  I was not a good mom to him.  A year ago today I was helping Katie paint a rainbow for DH's bday to tell him I was expecting.  I was only 11 dpiui, had just noticed the line get darker the day before and was anxious and unsure, but it was his bday and I wanted to make it special.

Just thinking about Ivy and struggling with the kind of mom I was.

Monday, January 23, 2017

Ivy's gift

A year go today I got my BFP with Ivy.  I remember the world of mixed feelings. I was in such a bad place and finding out I was pregnant with him didn't make any of it easier.  I still feel a lot of guilt when I remember how I spent the few precious weeks pregnant with him.

Tomorrow is my husband's birthday and the day I told him about Ivy.  I remember helping Katie paint a rainbow and had a quote and his EDD 10/5/16.

Nature reminds me of him, greens, leaves, trees, etc.  When I see them, they make me think of Ivy. Growth and new makes me think of him too.  He was the reason I started turning around and healing.  I didn't realize how badly I was doing until my heart was in so much pain, I had a hard time letting him in or having any room to love him.  I was just so incredibly broken.  Those of you who have been with me since the twins remember that.

I feel like a bad mom to him and just so much guilt, he got the worst of me.  Today I was thinking about him from the moment I woke up.  Wondering what it would've been like if he'd stayed, wondering how he'd be with Katie.  He was my last chance to raise a son.  I love my girls and I'm not at all disappointed in Anna being a girl, but raising a boy would've been different. I wonder what I would've named him.

This morning I was coming to work and I'd even mentioned him to a few of my friends.  Near the entrance of the building was a leaf, it's shaped like a heart. There are no trees near the entrance of the building.  There's some behind it and on the way other side of the parking lot.  We had high winds yesterday, but no other leaves were in the front, just that one, near the entrance, shaped like a heart.

I don't believe in coincidences.  I believe things happen for a reason, whether I agree or understand.  I believe this leaf is from Ivy.  It's keep me company at work today and I'll put it with his things when I get home. My guilt feels better at the moment, he knows I love him.  He's with me.  I didn't lose him, I just don't have him the way I hoped or wanted.  Because of him, I'll know get Anna.  Because of him I can be a better mom to Kate and Anna.

I have amazing kids and I'm a lucky mom. Thank you Ivy!  I love and miss you so much.

Saturday, January 14, 2017

3rd Trimester

Yesterday we made it to 28 weeks!!  I can't believe I'm in the third tri and suddenly things seem very real and very fast.  I'm so unprepared, but I know I'll get there.

Last week I had my GD test and I nearly passed out after.  I was driving and feeling so faint and dizzy.  I was even allowed to eat before it and I had 3 hard boiled eggs, an hour later the drink, an after that the blood draw.  I found out my result earlier this week-36!!

In general I've been feeling very depressed, lethargic, and honestly I was starting to get scared for how I was.  I wasn't bonding with Anna and I was getting scared about her coming. Last weekend I broke down to my husband about how bad I felt, how low my energy was, how I had no idea how on Earth I was going to take care of a newborn and Katie. I just couldn't do it.

When I talked to my MFM earlier this week she said I've probably been walking around with blood sugar in my 40s for a few weeks now.  This explains a lot of how I'm feeling.  In fact, she said I need to get off the Metformin.  I take it for reactive hypoglycemia, but I'm remembering now that even with Katie I had to reduce the amt in the second tri, and get off of it by the third for the same reasons.

Within 24 hours of being off of it I had more energy, better mood, I felt more "even".  Even my appetite was more steady and I was craving more normal foods and less sweets.  I'm not a big sweets eater and I'd begun to want that stuff all the time.  It all makes sense now.  It's now been quite a few days off the Met and my entire mood, energy, and outlook has changed.  I'm looking forward to meeting Anna, I feel more connected to her, less weepy, less depressed. My BH are so much more improved.  I was needing Procardia almost daily and now I haven't used it in days.

This is a bit of a hard month in general. Two years ago Emma and Chase were conceived this month and a year ago Ivy was.  Now I'm in my third tri with a baby I'm feeling confident I'll get to meet. It's taken a lot to bring me here, to bring me to Anna, and I can't wait to meet her in April and see her sweet face and give her kisses.

Everything is looking good right now.  I'm done with cervical checks because nothing more can be done with that.  They can still do some things if I go into PTL, but right now that isn't too much of a concern.  I'll be having growth checks with the MFM every 3 weeks.

Thursday, January 5, 2017

27 weeks

Well, not quite, that's really tomorrow, but same difference, am I right?

So, this past week....  Emotionally I've had a VERY hard time.  I'm having issues with connecting with Anna and honestly just feeling like a complete piece of shit on many different angles.  I could go on and on, but the short version is, I feel like a terrible mom in many different ways.

So, in addition to emotional stuff. the night of New Year's Eve, I had a bit of brown spotting.  It made me nervous, and I decided to watch and see.  I had more spotting New Year's Day, and then a bit more the next morning.  It was all very mild.  I thought my doctors offices would be open on Jan. 2nd, but it was a holiday for everyone, except for me.  I did call the on-call OB who told me to go home on bedrest and call the next day.

On Tuesday I called my MFMs office and she called me back and since I hadn't spotted for over 24 hours at that point, she said she'd message my OB to add an u/s to my appt today and go from there.  I had my u/s today and Anna looked great.  She's now 2 lbs, 4 oz, so she's gained 7 oz in 9 days!!  No wonder I'm eating all the time. Fluid, placenta, everything looked good.  At this time there's no way to know what is going on.

I also had my GD test today, and man, I hate that test.  Hopefully I passed.  I should know in a few days.  My OB thinks the spotting might be uterine growth, but he doesn't know.  They did take blood work for infection, just to make sure.

Steroid shots came up as well, because of my history.  He's going to discuss it further with the MFM and she'll probably talk to me about it on Tuesday, but they are considering it as a precaution.  Right now there's no signs of pre-term labor.

Also when I had the spotting, DH asked me about going to L&D to get checked out.  I couldn't go.  I mean I just froze in fear and panic at the thought of going there.  I honestly don't know how I'm supposed to give birth, even at term, because the thought of going there was not something I could handle.  I've brought this up to my therapist and I forgot to bring it up to my OB today since I was freaking out about the spotting, but I will when I see him in two weeks and I'll tell the MFM on Tuesday.

So, here I am, almost to the third tri, just one week left.  Things, I think, are okay.  We'll see.  I hope emotionally I can get myself together.