Tuesday, September 1, 2015

feelings

I feel like I can't function the past few days, I'd say since about Friday or Saturday.  I am filled with so much anger.  Just pure rage and anger and then despair and hopelessness.  I don't know what to do.  I know I'm taking it out on my husband.  I feel like a shit mom to my daughter.  I'm not mean to her or anything, but I'm just going through the motions.  I'm barely surviving my days at work.

I just want to disappear.  I want to hide or run away or just be gone.  I hate waking up in the morning, yet I have trouble going to bed at night.  I have so much hate and bitterness in my heart it consumes it and I don't know why I feel this way or how to make it go away.

Sunday, August 30, 2015

Rough day

I've been tying to hang in there and mostly done okay, but right now just miss them so much. Right now my heart hurts.  I want my babies.

Saturday, August 29, 2015

Sunshine

'm a personal fan of babywearing. I have this amazing, independent daughter who doesn't cuddle much and this is a great way for us to get our cuddles, bond, and also I can easily carry her around in public when she'd rather not walk or it's safer not to. She's outgrown her infant carrier and needed something bigger.
During my search I came across the most perfect one. I wanted a Toddler Tula since the Standard Tula had worked so well for us. I wanted something in blue for her eyes. Then I saw it, the perfect carrier. I saw a custom Oscha Surya Toddler Tula. For those familiar with babywearing, you know how awesome that is (and expensive), for those who don't know babywearing, well, it's a custom carrier, meaning they're one of a kind type thing.
The seller happened to be a friend of mine and I fell in love with it before even seeing who the lister was. This carrier was the one I had to have because the Oscah Surya is a blue with a yellow sun on it. The blue was perfect for my blue eyed beauty and oh the sun. I had to have the sun. You see, a Sunshine baby is a baby born before a loss. I'd often called her my Sunshine and one of our nightly songs is You Are My Sunshine, but ever since the loss of Chase and Emma it's become even more special.
The people involved don't read my blog, but I thank both Laura and Elizabeth.  Oh and I had to get action shots right away. Forgive me lack of makeup, it's the weekend and I'm pretty casual.


Friday, August 28, 2015

The truth

I'm going to write something I've only recently been able to admit in my head.  Something that is so horrible.  Something I fear.  I have no place I feel okay writing this for fear of offending people and I'm sure the way many people feel about me about this post is going to change.  However, I'm going to say it because I need to admit it. I realize what kind of person I am to even think such a thing.

I'm 1 dpiui on a cycle I have no clue how it would end.  If there was at least one egg, the chances are decent, if not egg, then of course nothing.

This cycle has been so emotional. I can't even begin to describe the amount of guilt I feel.  The guilt that my body wasn't healthy enough for two beautiful and perfect children and it sent them to their deaths.  I've spent three months getting my body back to health to nurture another baby, a different one than my twins.  I made a choice to move forward while they never will.  They don't have any choices, they are dead.  They never had a choice.

However, I do.  A mere three months after I was discharged from the hospital I was being inseminated with another try. There's many reasons I chose to move forward when I did. My specific infertility dx, diminished ovarian reserve, puts me on a diff time limit than other infertility dx.  My response to this cycle has been worse than my last two and I think I'm on the decline of the ability to even conceive.  I may not even have much longer to even have eggs.  I'm not even sure I did this time and this is medicated.

I also want to see my daughter grow up with a live sibling. I want to see her fight and be friends and have secrets and get in trouble with a sibling.  I want to pull my hair out of my head and just go ugh!!!  Will they stop fighting already?  I want all the good and bad that comes with it.  I want the experience.  I want to mother more than one child and admire the differences between children conceived of the same parents.

Infertility has been a horrible journey.  Anyone who's been through it knows.  It's just plain horrible.  I want it done.  I want to close the TTC chapter.  I just don't have much more in me and I realize so many have been through worse, but the emotional toll has been so much.

Here's the ugly secret.  I'm scared to be pregnant because of how I might feel about this child.  I can honestly say I don't even know if I wan this cycle to work. I want Emma and Chase.  With ever fiber of my heart I want my children back.  That won't happen.  That I know.  They are gone.  Another child might happen.  What will I feel and how will I think?  Will I spend the pregnancy wishing it wasn't him or her but them?  What about after he/she is born?  What will it be like then?  Will I resent this baby for making it when my twins didn't.  Will I look at this baby and know their existence is only because two others died?  I was going to be done after the twins.  My family was going to be complete, except now I don't know if it is or isn't.

These thoughts make me sick about myself.  How dare i?  This is an innocent child that I'm struggling to bring into the world and these are the thoughts I'm having about a precious life, a precious baby.  I just don't know.

I know I'll spend the pregnancy in fear, ever moment will be scary, every moment I will fear that the child won't make it, that instead the child will join his/her twin siblings and not the living one.  Will I be so grateful this child made it?  Will I be so glad I get to have earth children in addition to angel children?  How will this child feel once they know they were conceived from a loss?

These thoughts keep me up, these thoughts keep me in tears, these thoughts make me realize what a truly horrible person I am.  That I don't deserve more children.  I probably don't deserve the one I have.  I've asked David to divorce me multiple times, to find a better mom for her, to find someone who will be everything she deserves because she is amazing.

I realize I won't be seen in whatever light I was seen in before.  I realize I've said one of the worse things I can say.  However, I felt like I had to put the truth out somewhere.

Thursday, August 27, 2015

IUI Day

So here we are, IUI day.  "Show time" as we call it.

I arrived to the clinic a little late due to some work drama (fun times).  DH went into his room and came back acting odd.  I asked what was wrong and he was snappy and said we'd talk later.  I'm like um....

Anyways, the front desk tells us it could take longer than usual to prep the sample because the first couple was late and therefore everyone is late.  I'm already upset over the e2 thing and knowing something went wrong with the collection process.

DH and I step out into the car and he tells me he missed the cup and very little made it in.  I'm now losing my shit.  I don't even know if I have an egg because of my stupid e2, now I may not have any semen, oh and I asked who's performing the IUI and the person who's done it previously no longer works Thursdays so she's out, and my RE left for his other clinic.  So as you can see nothing is going right and I'm already an emotional cray cray person.  I'm very visibly upset at the clinic and trying not to cry.  DH isn't a happy camper either.

I get to the room when the sample is ready and the coordinator wants to have a talk.  I just want to know the damn semen number.  Anyways, she has a long talk about why I feel this cycle is a bust.  I got into my spiel about the low e2 issue and how with two follicles I don't know that one is at 200 and  the other isn't.  Maybe both are under 200.  Maybe there's nothing, maybe there's something.  She told me she's very sure there's at least one egg there, that the hcg amped them up more, and they would've cancelled if they even had an inkling that this couldn't work.  Anyways, she was so sweet and encouraging that I relaxed and felt so much better as did DH.

IUI count was 19 mil!!  Highest ever.  Amazing considering....

So, I still don't feel great about my chances, but there's def sperm, maybe an egg, maybe a baby.  We'll see.  I'm emotionally trying to keep my shit together, but I'll be honest, lately it's just very, very hard.  I'm not doing very well and I feel like I'm failing in many areas of my life right now.

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Feelings

To say I've been a crazy person the past week would be an understatement.  Feelings I thought I've moved past have returned to me.  I went from mostly good days to fighting day by day, hour by hour, especially as I began fertility treatments again.

Feelings have ranged from guilt to how dare I move on when they can't, to why risk another baby in a body that just killed two, to guilt that I'm even alive.  I'd be lying if I said I wish some days I didn't even have Katie so I could just go die along with my babies. Again, I'm in no actual suicidal danger, it's just moments that are hard.  I want to believe they could be saved, I want to blame, since everything took place in my body, that is where the blame is.

I don't feel optimistic about this cycle.  I have two follicles with an e2 of 230.  The day prior the follies measured 22 each with a lining of 14.  That alone sounds amazing, but e2 indicates the eggs are immature, not ready, etc, but the follicles can't really get much bigger.  230 can mean one is mature, one isn't, maybe both aren't.  I'm not sure how the one number is spread across two follies.  I also know that after I trigger they can still grow before the IUI, so I dunno maybe one or both will be mature.  I honestly have no idea and I'm probably over thinking all of this.  I'm glad after tomorrow it's over.  Whatever happens, happens and I'v done my part on my end and DH will do his.  Whatever will be, will be.

Since I haven't had as many follicle checks this round due to how quickly my body responded, the cycle didn't cost as much as usual.  I have the potential of affording one more when/if this fails.  We'll see. I'm not going to worry about that right now.

Today I'm calmer, but I miss my babies so much.  My heart hurts they are not here.  Today marks 3 months since I lost Chase.  Thank you to anyone reaching out to me, to showing me you care, to showing that my babies matter.  I feel very ugly on the inside. Very undeserving of any kind of love, very undeserving of happiness.

Last night I had acupuncture and I talked to my acu for a bit.  I told him a lot of what I was feeling since he could tell I wasn't exactly okay. He told me that whatever happens beyond this life, they've moved forward too. My babies aren't standing in time, but they've also moved forward, like I'm trying to do.  I'd never considered that, but it gave me some peace. After he left the room and I was lying there with needles I cried and cried for them and for me and then just zoned out.

A friend made this for me today and I share it with pride.  It made me smile.  To anyone who remembers Emma and Chase and will continue to remember them, thank you!  They existed and they matter.


Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Update part 2

E2 is at 230. Trigger tonight at 10:30, iui Thurs at 10:30.

I'm very emotional, lots of thoughts right now.