Tuesday, October 31, 2017

7 months

What on Earth????  Can someone explain how I was pregnant yesterday and today I have a 7 month old? She turned 7 months last Friday, but it's has been nonstop crazy lately. Here's her official picture:

This little girl is milestone central right now. Hands are almost always in her mouth because she's cut her first tooth and that's always loads of fun. She is now rolling over, trying to move on her belly, sitting up completely unassisted, eating (baby led weaning), and trying to figure out everything put in front of her. She LOVES people, smiles, and giggles. While big sister is most definitely not a fan, she loves watching her and trying to interact when she can. You can see all the sweetness that is this precious girl starting to emerge as she's coming into her own. Month 7 will be huge for her.

Exactly a year ago today Ivy, Emma, Chase, Kate, David, and I made the announcement that our final member will hopefully be joining us in April. 

While she never quite made it to April, this year I'm proud to show off or beloved and precious Anna Belle all hatched from her pumpkin and part of our family.

Here are some more pictures taken of our sweet baby girl. We've been to a Pumpkin Patch this month and also a Trunk or Treat. Her first costume will be a flower and I can't wait to take her out tonight.

And I even managed one with big sister before we left for the Pumpkin Patch

 Here's some other fun pics taken in the past month. She is the happiest baby I've ever seen in my life!

Saturday, September 30, 2017

6 month post partum update

I didn't want to combine this with my Anna post because she's too wonderful to have my damper on it. Truthfully I've struggled so much in the past six months. It's just been very, very hard.

I mentioned how my PCP said my thryoid wasn't great. Well labs confirmed that and we ended up changing medications when I saw him on September 20th. Unfortunately I was doing really bad at that point, I was struggling with energy and staying awake. I was having coffee nonstop and even caffeine pills and still struggling to stay awake and function. 

My PCP wanted to run more labs and in the meantime gave me phentermine to help with energy. Unfortunately I had a horrific reaction to that medication. I was dizzy, nauseous, and each day it just got worse. I felt like I had bugs crawling on my skin, I had tremors. My mind and my body were overtaken by this medication. It ended up affecting me negatively at work and I could've gotten in trouble. I called my PCP crying on Tuesday and told me to discontinue immediately. It's only now that the med has completely left my system.

My labs showed two major thyroid hormones were not good and my meds were changed on the 20th. Now that I'm off phentermine I'm able to see that maybe that med is helping. I see him again for a follow up on 10/5 because he redrew labs on the 20th. I've seen those results and my thyroid is even worse. It's very possible I don't have PPD, but just a serious issue with my thyroid. I'm going to talk to him and see if we want to leave me at my dose and retest or increase my dose, but I'm hoping if I can fix my thyroid levels, then maybe I can start feeling better. He also switched my antidepressant again and I'm currently on Prozac.

I'm angry with how bad my body and mind have been. How I've not been present like my family deserves. I hate myself for all my issues and struggles. It's been going on for so long and my family deserves better. I've pretty much disappeared from my online presence because it takes all I have just to make it through the day. For everyone I've let down, I'm incredibly sorry.

6 months

Can you believe it? I can hardly believe this little munchkin is here, let alone a full 6 months? I'm in shock. However, here we are, a half year of this lovely lady. 

Here's where we're at with Anna:
She can sit up unassisted for 1-5 minutes. With a boppy or some support, even longer and she's really into sitting. She doesn't roll over yet, but honestly, it's more of an I'm happy and content where I am, then an I can't. She easily rolls to her sides to grab at stuff. She LOVES people. She loves interaction. She is the happiest baby I've ever seen in my life. She has a smile for anyone and everyone. Loves to be held, cuddled, played with, just everything. She is a very chill baby and a complete sweetheart.

No teeth at this time, but very actively teething. We are having some crankiness due to pain, but even amid the tears, if you give eye contact, she'll look at you and smile. Such a sweetheart.

Big sister is still adjusting and struggling. She does nothing to hurt her, just has no interest in her and will happily tell anyone and everyone that she's not a fan of her sister. I'm hoping in time. These girls are in opposite in personality as looks.

Anna has a 6 month appt coming up on 10/5. She seems healthy, only one minor cold so far. She's on the smaller side, she wears 3-6 month clothing, but she's a fun things in small packages kinda kid. She's added so much joy and sunshine to my life.

Here's some other highlights of recent pics:

She's really into grabbing her toes right now. 

Got this bath chair recently and she loves being able to sit and splash around.

This was taken just a week ago. Her first time ever in a cart.

Not a huge fan of tummy time, but we're pretty good at it.

Saturday, September 9, 2017

A day at the park

I've been doing so much better on the thyroid meds. It's been life changing. I can actually function and even enjoy being with my family. It's not perfect, but so much better.  I could hardly life before, I was just so tired and struggled so much with every little part of everything and now it's so much better. My mind is clearer, I feel happier, more connected to my family, I can go on and on, but it's definitely gotten a lot better.

My labs are available, but I can't access them on the portal until Monday afternoon, so we'll see. I still need to schedule the thyroid u/s too. My therapist called me and said they found temp place to do therapy from since the current offices were completely destroyed by Harvey, so I'll start again on the 19th. Starting to see the light again.

So, today was gorgeous weather and we went to the park. I ran into my MFM there and it was awesome to show off Anna on the "outside" and thank her in person for all she did to ensure Anna survived and came home to our family. She was leaving so I only saw her for a minute.

I am so grateful to her and to everyone who's supported me with all of this. I know I seem like a lunatic half the time and I'm amazed anyone even reads this blog still, to be honest. I do wonder if she'd been in charge of the twins would they be here. Tonight when I was putting Anna down in her room I looked around and for a minute I went back to the room I originally saw, the one with Lion King on it, instead of butterflies. I don't understand life or why things happen the way they do. I never will, I just have to accept what is and try to move forward.

I do want to somehow incorporate something Lion King in my home in their memory, just not sure what or how. It can be subtle, I just want to do something. I'm also working on something professionally that I hope turns into something because of them.

Here's a few pics from today:

Monday, September 4, 2017


I ended up seeing a new PCP on Friday. I'm just doing so badly that I couldn't keep letting it to go on. I can no longer see my therapist since the hurricane flooded her office so badly she's not sure when she can see patients again. I actually drove by there yesterday and just awful. Actually, driving all around town yesterday was very sobering. I am so lucky and my house is situated in a great place. Even though most of Houston flooded so horrible we're still dealing with a lot of aftermath, no food in stores, mail just resumed, I still don't have trash service, not back to work yet (I go back Thurs, kids next Mon), I could actually see my street the whole time and water never pooled.

So, I saw this new PCP because basically I felt like I was losing my mind. I just didn't know what else to do and was willing to take any and every pill shoved my way at this point. This PCP was recommended by a good friend of mine.

So I told him about the postpartum stuff, how utterly exhausted I am all the time, the depression, the anxiety, about how I can barely even cook dinner, inability to lose weight even with strict dieting, just laid it all out. He looks at me and says your thyroid is very messed up. I was confused at first because I never said the word thyroid to him. Never told him I had Hashimotos.

He told me everything about the way I sound and looks screams that my thyroid is very out of whack. I then told him about the Hashimotos and how I tried to get help and saw many specialists early in pregnancy, but everyone brushed me off so I gave up. He told me he isn't going to give up and prescribed me a diff med then the only one anyone would give me (cytomel instead of synthroid) and he took a bunch of blood work. He felt around my thyroid too and told me it felt very swollen and he wanted an ultrasound of it, so I'll call tomorrow to get that scheduled.

He told me if my thyroid is messed up, no anti anxiety or antidepressant is going to help me. So he ran labs and now I'm on day 3 of cytomel and I feel a difference. I don't feel crazy, like I'm losing my mind. I'm not so depressed I'm breaking down. I have more energy. I'm tired, but not sit on the couch can't move tired. I was so much calmer yesterday. I'm really hopeful this might be the answer.

I'll update once labs come in and stuff. He wants to redo bloodwork after six weeks as well, just to see how the meds are doing and then change things as needed. I'm so glad to have found this pcp.

Thursday, August 31, 2017

PTSD and Harvey

Even before Anna was born, I've been struggling with PTSD since the twins loss. One thing that makes it really bad is rain, particularly a bad storm.

I do live in the Houston area and I was affected by Hurricane Harvey. Let me begin with I am VERY lucky. I kept my electricity the whole time and my house did not flood. We did have a small leak in the attic, but the bucket didn't fill very much even with the raging storm that went on nonstop Friday-Tuesday night. Will be getting a sealant to fix that leak, but otherwise we've remained pretty good.

The emotional take from the storm has been horrible. I've been struggling with PPD since Anna's birth, then on top of it the storm. I couldn't get away from the night the twins were born because at that time we were going through some horrible storms that also caused flooding and shut down schools and roads. In fact, no one made it out to see Chase (A friend who was trapped in the hospital with me from the storms was the only one there) because of how bad it was.

A couple of days into Harvey I also got AF, so there's cramping, bleeding, and a raging storm and emotionally I could barely take it. I held it together, but now that the storm is over, I find my feelings too much to control and I'm crying and falling apart.

I was supposed to have counseling today and to be honest, I was already thinking of cancelling because I don't feel it's helping much this time. However, my therapist left me a message yesterday that the office is flooded so bad they have to close for a while and have no idea when the office will be safe again to work in or if they'll find another one, so for now I wait, but she told me it would be a few weeks minimum.

Last night I fell apart and started crying. My husband put both kids down because the cramping was horrible and I just couldn't function. I hate myself for all of this. I hate who I am, I hate that I struggle, I hate that I can't just get over it and move on. Look at how wonderful my girls are, they deserve the best.

I feel like it's never going to get better for me. I want to find a pill to turn off the feelings. I don't want to feel anything any more, just be numb so I can try and be the person people deserve. I've retreated so much. I don't talk to my friends hardly at all, I don't post in my online group although I read along and check. I just can't. I can't and I hate me, I hate me so much.

Sunday, August 27, 2017

5 months

Not sure how it suddenly became 5 months, but here we are. Not sure what to think to be honest. Anna continues to be such a sweetheart. I swear, for anyone who's seen it, she's the lego movie. She's just "Everything is awesome", all the time. She's so smiley and happy.

The skin is feeling more like baby skin now thanks for a very good eczema cream. She still only takes in 3-4 oz at a time and in general is a smaller baby. She still wears 3 months clothes, sometimes I put her in 6 months, but she has lots of room to grow in those.

She still needs to be swaddled and sleeps in a merlin. She doesn't roll over yet. She's kind of just happy where she's at. She loves jumping on her jumparoo and bouncer. She's reaching for items and putting all the things in her mouth. No teeth yet. She LOVES people, she likes dolls and anything with faces. She loves songs and music, especially Soft Kitty. She's just a happy baby and she touches my heart and soul.

Katie is growing a lot more accepting of her. She's more herself and less resentful although, of course, we still have our moments.

My PPD is not good. The Zoloft helped for a bit, then it made me worse and I started having thoughts of self-harm. I reduced it and while I no longer breakdown crying, I'm still depressed a lot. I think I'm dealing with guilt/grief over twins. I'm also chronically tired. I was on a diet for a bit, but lost no weight and gained no energy. I just want to sleep all the time. I'm planning to get a physical and do a full round of bloodwork and go from there. It's just been hard and I feel like a piece of shit human who's abandoned everyone and everything and I'm sorry, I just spend each day trying to get through it. I very much rely on the Klonopin for anxiety.

So......  Here's Miss Anna Belle at 5 months old! She had her first food today, a banana and was not a fan, lol!!