Sunday, June 28, 2015


Since the loss of Emma and Chase I've been working on a memorial. I wanted a shelf for them, so they have their place in our home.  I recognize I need to heal and move forward, but they will never, ever be forgotten and will never not be a part of my family.  They just won't be a part of my family in the way I'd hoped or imagined.

Today, my husband and I put their ashes together in the urn and I completed (for the most part) the memorial shelf.  There's an ornament stand on each side for anything I find or see that I feel compelled to get in honor of them, but otherwise it's pretty much done.

I'll start with the full shelf and how it looks.  It's in the dining room.  We don't really use this room much right now so it's perfect.

Here is a close up of Emma's side

Here's the close up of Chase's side

And a close up of the joining wall where my babies meet.

I love the way we've chosen to memorialize them.  And I will always carry them in my heart wherever I go, for as long as I live.  I do plan to try for our rainbow when I'm medically cleared to do so. Never to replace what I lost.  That is impossible.  I still want for Kate to have living siblings and there's always more love in our hearts for more children. I don't know if I'll get as lucky with treatments, but I'll worry about that later.  I've been blessed with three beautiful children and that is more than many can hope for.

 One thing missing from my treatments this time was acupuncture.  I believe in my acupuncturist, as far as helping and keeping my body healthy.  I felt differently with this pregnancy from the start, as in the first Femara pill I ever took.  I remember how much anxiety I had even announcing the pregnancy on social media.  I want my acupuncturist to help monitor me next time.  While he can't help me conceive, he's the one who had me on iron early in my pregnancy with Katie and would adjust supplements necessary. I don't want to take a chance on this type of thing ever happening again.  While I know there's nothing I can do to prevent another loss, I want to do all I know to do to increase the odds.  

For now, though, I am here.  Still grieving and still healing, both physically and emotionally.  I still feel guilty for what happened to them.  I'll see my OB on July 6th and maybe there will be more answers to my story, maybe there won't.  I'll have more information at that time.  I plan to do a consult with my RE as well to get his opinion on the situation and then schedule a consult with my acupuncturist. One step at a time, one day at a time, and some days (more often than not right now), one hour at a time.

For everyone reading, especially anyone who's reached out to me, thank you from the bottom of my heart. Your love and support has been more than I could ever hope for. 

Saturday, June 27, 2015

CD 1.....

And just like that we're back.  6 day LP (I expected as much). I guess I should be happy my body is back to whatever "normal" is.  But yeah.....  FML

A new day

I finally had a good sleep last night.  My sleep is very inconsistent and in the past week hasn't been great.  I slept very well last night, although I'm still groggy and tired this morning.  I think I know why though.  My physical results came in yesterday and my iron levels are still low.  My PCP wants me to take iron twice a day now and then retest in a few months.  I wonder if that has to do with the brain fogginess, etc I've been feeling.  I think once my physicals come out 100% healthy, I might try to stop the buspirone (anxiety med) and see how I feel then.

My iron also explains why I was so sick after the 5k.  I never should've done it.  I wasn't in the place for it.  I really am trying to focus on my health, so I'll be looking at more iron rich foods to incorporate into my diet.

Today for some reason I woke up feeling strong.  Strong in spirit, like I can do this.  I know these things often only come for a minute, an hour, or a day.  So far never longer than a day, but right now it's here.  I feel love today too.  I dunno if my babies are with me or what, but I feel them.  I hope this feeling doesn't pass too quickly.

Their urn came in yesterday.  Perfect day for it.  I love it!  I think it's perfect for them. Not at all the crib I'd hoped to be buying, but just like with any crib, it was bought with all the love in the world because they deserve it and more.

Friday, June 26, 2015

Chase-One Month

And here I am.  One month since the loss of Chase.  Counting how long since I said goodbye, not until I'll say hello.  I did do better yesterday than I expected.  I felt peaceful and like Emma was with me.  As it got closer and closer to nighttime I started to lose that feeling.  I tossed and turned most of the night.  This morning I just feel dead inside and numb.  I don't feel Chase with me the way I felt Emma.  I wonder why.

It's only 7:15 in the morning and I'm already dreading how I'll get through the day.  I'm taking K to a playdate this afternoon and I'm struggling with how I'll put on my fake "okay" face.  I just want to cry and hug my bears that resemble my kids and never leave bed.  K will be up soon though and so I can't do that.

I'm mad at myself for not doing a random act of kindness yesterday.  I tried looking, but nothing became obvious.  In fact, I had the opposite.  A RAK for me.  I don't know who sent me this and I contacted the seller and was told the giver wanted to remain anonymous, but I received a necklace with an E and a C on it for each baby.  I hate not knowing who sent it, so I can thank them.  So sweet of someone to do that.  So, instead of giving, I took.  Today I feel dead and empty inside. I also have cramps since AF will come in the next few days.

I miss my Chase.  I wish I felt him with me.  I wish I knew he was okay.  I wish I knew my babies forgive me.  I wish I was posting that I'm 23 weeks and viability is one week away.  Today I'm not okay.

Thursday, June 25, 2015

Emma-One month

It's been one month since I lost Emma.  In some ways I was pregnant ages ago, in some ways, has it really been a month?  It feels like it just happened.  I never thought I'd be counting down to how long it's been since I lost her.  I thought the countdown was until she was born and in my arms, not like this, but alive with her brother.

I'm doing better today than I expected.  I don't know if it's anxiety med or what, but I'm grateful.  I feel calm today and peaceful.  Honestly, I feel like she is with me.  I've "felt" her presence all day long and I don't care if anyone thinks I'm crazy.  I've been wanting to do a random act of kindness in her name, but so far nothing's really presented itself.  We'll see if it happens.  For now I'm content just to feel her presence and remember all the joy she did bring me and will continue to bring me.  She'll be watching over her living sister and her dad as well.

I miss my Emma.  I miss all that she would've been here and in this world.  I'd change it all in an instant if I could.  I love you Emma!  Mama's holding you in her heart forever.

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

One month-ER

It's been one month since I went to the ER and the nightmare began.  One month since life will never, ever be the same.  I was talking to someone and she explained it perfectly.  I'm like a china cup that's been shattered.  All the pieces are back together, but the cup is still cracked and never the same. I'm trying to figure it out.

I get asked a lot, "how are you?"  How do I answer that?  I'm different than I was a month ago, but not better.  I'm still very sad, my heart is still broken.  I don't always break down crying every night after I put Katie to bed.  I've had some days where I've even watched Katie play or do something with her and genuinely felt happy about it or good.  It never lasts a whole day and sometimes it only lasts moments. I still don't know how I'm supposed to go the rest of my life.

I had a physical this morning.  I had a panic attack as soon as I saw the blood pressure machine come at me.  I just freaked out, it reminded me of the hospital and it took a while for me to calm down.  The doctor was understanding.  She'd had a stillbirth at 24 weeks this past November.  She said what they all day, "it gets better".  When?  How?  I think she was pregnant.  I ended up with a script for Buspirone, it's an anxiety med.  I looked it up and a good friend of mine has taken it before and said it wasn't too bad.  I'm curious to see how my physical blood results turn out when I get them back.

What to do about tomorrow and Friday?  One month since losing Emma and Chase.  I wish I had a guide on how to go through this kind of loss before this happened so I'd know what to do, how to act, what to say, how to survive.

I did order the urn yesterday.  Finally found the perfect epitaph.

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Memorial Cube

My memorial cube came in today that I got with a Shutterfly GC I won on an angels page.  I actually smiled today, like from the heart, when I saw it.  I love it and it looks perfect on my memorial shelf.  The shelf is coming along too. I'll take a picture once it's done or almost done.

Anyways, let me share some pics.

I'm doing better today.  I was able to concentrate at work more and feel more like my old self, at least as far as work performance goes.  I'm also coming on the one month since the loss.  I'm thinking of ways to honor them and right now the thin that comes to mind is a random act of kindness.  Doing something on Thursday in Emma's memory and then Friday in Chase's.  Not sure yet, but hopefully the right thing will strike me.  I think I'm going to do a RAK on the month anniversary during the whole first year.  I'd love any ideas anyone has.