Thursday, February 4, 2016

And so the anniversaries begin......

The anniversaries begin, not the birthdays, not the celebrations, but the it's been a year since, leading up to the big day, which is the day I said goodbye.

I know no one cares and I know it's just me who will carry this forever in my heart, but on this day a year ago I got my BFP with Emma and Chase.  I found out I was going to be a mom again and Katie a big sister.  I did suspect twins from the start, so finding that out later didn't surprise me.

It's been a hard day at work, but a rough day emotionally.  Morning sickness is hitting me now and the pregnancy I've been trying to pretend doesn't exist for at least another two weeks when I have to go to my ultrasound is harder to avoid.  I honestly just feel so lost and so scared and so alone.  This is such a hard, hard journey.  I miss them with everything in me.  I miss them so much.  I am glad I'm pregnant, I am glad I have this baby, but the longing and the yearning and the missing them will never stop.  I hope this baby joins Katie and not them, but I have to resign myself to what is because I have no control over it. Whatever happens, happens.  I feel so guilty for how I'm feeling, but I'm not going to lie to myself.  I'm so scared and I'm so sorry for all that's happened.  I want to be the best mom to all my kids, I'm just not doing a great job right now.

To Emma and Chase, your story began a year ago today for me.  Your story ended to many in late May, but your story will never end for me.  I miss you both so much.  I love you.

Tuesday, February 2, 2016


I'm having a harder time than I realized with this pregnancy.  Almost to the point where I'm about to have a panic attack.  I'm also debating switching counselors.  I wanted to talk more about my emotional issues regarding pregnancy and she wants to focus more on the anxiety I have with certain things.  I feel alone and without my resources and I'm scared to be too open for fear of judgement.

I know I want Kate to have a living sibling and I know I want to be pregnant again.  I have a lot of support and people who are happy, excited, and hopeful for me.

However, especially since yesterday, I find myself struggling more to be happy about being pregnant.  All I can think about are Emma and Chase.  I spent hours last night (insomnia) looking at pictures of them, before and after they were born and just panicking at the thought of having to look at an u/s screen and see a diff baby.  I honestly don't know that I can do it.  I want to cancel the u/s and not really face the fact that I am pregnant.  I try to avoid talking about Ivy with people I know who know (I've kept this news to a very small circle) because all I hear is unicorns and glitter and how happy everyone is for me.

I miss Emma and Chase.  I miss the children that are here.  It's been almost a year since they entered a part of my life and they were here for such a short time.  19 weeks is substantial in pregnancy weeks, but that's it.  Otherwise it's just nothing.  I'm so sad and I miss them so much.  I keep hoping I'll wake up from the nightmare, that somehow they'll be with me again and not gone from me.  But this is the reality of what is.  I have to move forward and I have a chance to maybe parent this baby, the way I do Katie, and not the way I do them.  I just don't know how, I don't know that I can do it.  Even right now as I'm typing this I'm just crying.

I feel I failed Emma and Chase.  I moved on and conceived another.  I'm failing Ivy, by grieving more for what's gone, then looking and being happy for the possibility of what might be.  I'm failing Katie too because I'm wrapped up in all of this and here's a real life child that I do have.  I feel I'm failing everyone.

People around me are happy for me, my husband is ecstatic, but I just sit here and cry.  I don't know how to do this, I don't know how to make anything okay.  Maybe I wasn't ready, but I know I wanted Katie to have a living sibling and with DOR and turning 35 and her 3 in December, I just felt I was running out of time.  There's no guarantee this will work either.  People and their "good feelings", no one told me a year ago they had a bad feeling about Emma and Chase. You don't think that when people say they are pregnant.

Anyways, I know I'm rambling, this is just all in me without any outlet or anyone I can talk to, although I've found a great new FB group that has been more than amazing.  I feel bad to dump all this on them and I just joined.

Sorry for the rambles, just needed to express all that is going on within me.  The truth is, I'm scared of Ivy.  I'm sorry.

Monday, February 1, 2016

3rd beta

Today I had my 3rd beta and RE consult.  My prior betas were 83 and then 156, which was a doubling time of 52.73 hours.  Since my last two pregnancies had a much shorter doubling time, I was really scared and worried something was wrong.

Today my beta was 761, my doubling time was 32.8, a lot better and it puts my mind at ease.  This is my last beta and next will be the ultrasound on 2/17.  I'll be 7 weeks.  My RE is very happy with everything.  He wants me on a baby aspirin just in case and wanted to make sure I'd be seeing an MFM as soon as I was done with his clinic.  He typically keeps patients until 10-11 weeks and I'm only 4w5d right now.  I'll contact my MFM and OB tomorrow to see when they'd want to start seeing me.  He also agreed that I should be on progesterone the whole pregnancy.  A cerclage will be "as needed", since right now there's no indication I have IC and a cerclage won't help PPROM or PTL.

I don't think I've mentioned this in prior blogs, but we've chosen to nickname this baby "Ivy", This stands for for roman numeral IV, this is my 4th child.

I've been very up and down the past few days, especially today as the calendar turned to February.  I found out I was pregnant with Emma and Chase on 2/4.  I can't help but relive last year.  What I didn't take into account when I did this cycle at this timing was reliving a year ago, except now pregnant again.  I only thought about how I'd feel having Ivy in October and that part didn't bother me since the birth month of Emma and Chase is May.

I find it hard to be happy or excited or even hopeful about this pregnancy.  Why would Ivy live when the other two did not?  Also, what if people see this as a "replacement" or forget about Emma and Chase?  How to I parent everyone accordingly?  Just a lot of emotion going on and I find myself on a new level of grief as I'm trying to accept the possibility of new life, another baby, a different baby and none of this, nothing, will ever bring back my Emma and Chase.  I wish I got to have all 4 kids.  I'm just having a hard time with it all and I don't know if it makes any sense, but I just go day by day.

Friday, January 29, 2016

Beta #2

I got my beta results today and they didn't double like I'd hoped, although they "almost" did.  It was 156-10 points shy of doubling.

I wasn't happy with this number either.  I've had two pregnancies where one beta more than doubled, the other nearly tripled, I expected it to at least double, but no.  There was a 15 min. difference between the blood draws, but who knows....

I'm scared, but I think that's normal and a defense mechanism.  Last time things went perfectly and it ended with me delivering two beautiful, sleeping children.  This time things aren't as perfect and it puts me at ease.  My clinic is happy and I know many people with worse doubling times where it ended fine, I also know some that doubled fine and it still didn't end well, then I know those who doubled and fine, and didn't double and not fine.  Point it, it's just very early and anything can happen.  It's definitely not over, I just wish things were a bit clearer.

I have a consult with my RE on Monday and they've offered a 3rd beta at that time, which I will do.  I hope it comes back okay.

Wednesday, January 27, 2016

Beta #1

It's been a crazy past few days.  At 12 dpiui I started spotting/light bleeding bright red.  I was scared out of my mind and convinced I was losing the baby.  It went off and on all that day and yesterday.  It stopped in the evening and honestly I've just been in fear.

Yesterday when I tested, my wondfo looked a tad lighter and I tried an OPK, which was negative.  I had one EPT I was saving for today (beta day).  This morning I peed on everything.




The scariest thing about the bleeding was the timing of it all.  Monday was 8 months to the day since I lost Emma.  The week before I lost her, I was at work doing my stuff.  I had to pee and when I went to the bathroom I was bleeding and I freaked out and we know what happened a week later.

So, here I am.  8 months later at that same building having to pee in that same bathroom and blood.  Sheer terror struck me and I couldn't stop crying in my office.

Exactly one year ago today I conceived Emma and Chase.  I remember that IUI.  I remember wearing my Katie necklace and hoping we'd make her a big sister and we did.  Now I've made Emma and Chase older siblings as well.  They are now my middle children.

Without further ado, I bring you beta #1 83.  I'll be honest, I'm scared, nervous, and worried.  My last two pregnancies were much higher than this.  The doubling is what matters, I know that.  I just can't help and be scared.  Everything scares me right now.  Everything.

Sunday, January 24, 2016

Medicated Cycle Results

Today I'm 11 dpiui.  Today I am pregnant.  I wasn't sure and I've one back and forth on are the lines getting darker?  Darker enough?  I'm terrified right now.  I keep thinking everything is a sign that I'm not pregnant or I'm having a loss.  I'm also happy and excited to be pregnant, but I feel guilty, so guilty.  I feel ashamed that I want this baby.  I feel bad that I will do better for this baby, things that might've saved Emma and Chase.

The BFP won't show up on a digi yet, but I'll do one before my beta.  This leads  me to my beta.  My beta is Wednesday 1/27. A year ago on that date I had my IUI, that's when I conceived Emma and Chase. There's a lot mixed in there with that.

I told DH today.  Katie is OBSESSED with Barney.  This is one of the songs that comes on a lot. 

I had Katie paint this and I added the words and Katie and I have it to DH today since ti's his birthday.  He's ecstatic.

I'm having so many thoughts and feelings and they all contradict each other.  I'm trying to go one moment at a time.  I'm still in counseling and I'll tell her tomorrow and that should help.

To everyone who's been there, your support, your prayers, everything have meant so much.  I'm still going to need them.  I want to post more, but I'm honestly just everywhere right now.  

Thursday, January 14, 2016


There's been a lot of feelings and emotions associated with this cycle.  I kept pushing them out of the way until I got through my IUI. Now that my IUI is over, I can process a bit.

I feel sadness and loss that no matter what the outcome is, none of it will bring back two children I love with all my heart, think about everyday, and constantly miss. I feel like I'm saying goodbye with this treatment, even though it wasn't my choice to say goodbye.

I feel regret for all I wish I'd done, that with all my heart I wish I could've saved them.  I feel regret that I'll never get to know two beautiful and special people that have changed my life forever.

I feel guilt that I'm moving forward.  That I'm preparing a body to hold a life that isn't them. That I'm trying hard to achieve that and that when I look at Katie I no longer see Emma and Chase beside her, but maybe another child. That it makes me smile to think she might still grow up with another.  I feel guilty that if I do conceive I will do things differently, there will be more professionals involved, more checks, I'll be so extra careful from everything, and that another life will have a better chance that they did.  I feel guilty that I want this to work.  That the thought of being pregnant again makes me happy.

I feel fear that if this works, I could lose another child.  I'm afraid that if this works people will expect this pregnancy to "replace" them or for me to forget about them, or move on.  That somehow this will undo all that did happen or trump two children who are irreplaceable.  I worry people won't care about them as much.  I fear the possibility of having twins again, especially.  I'm not dumb, I had two eggs.  The possibility exists. I'm scared of how to cope with that.  I'm scared this won't work, scared that the last pregnancy is the last one I'll ever have.

I feel hopeful that it's going to work.  I can't ask for better conditions of a medicated cycle.  There is nothing that didn't go well as far as biology is concerned.  Whether or not this works, is 100% out of my hands, but the conditions are what you want for success. I feel excited at the chance I might have another child.  I feel hopeful that I won't have another loss because I do have a good team and I will be carefully watched.  I'm happy that Katie might still have the chance to grow up with a sibling.

I feel like it's going to be okay.  I don't know how or when or what the future will hold.  I don't know how it's going to be okay, but I didn't know how I was going to make it today, 7.5 months ago when I lost them, but I did.  I know I will grieve and miss them forever.  I also know there is still a lot of life to live and even happiness, although I feel guilty for it a lot of times.

Physically, yesterday the cramping was bad and I even had some bleeding after the IUI. Cramping mostly on the right.  Today it's duller and I ordered progesterone.  I feel more calm today than I did yesterday, although I'm sure that will change the closer I get to knowing if this worked or not.

Last night, my neighbors and good friends of ours, treated us for pizza and then we went to a place called Boucin' Bears to jump.  It was later and we had the place to ourselves, so we took the opportunity to jump with our kids (their DD is 4 mos older than Katie and they are also TTC) and just be kinda wild.  It was a lot of fun and it helped me relax and I def slept good, finally, for the first time in a few days.  They know everything and have been wonderful since day one. They were like lets celebrate insemination day, lol! That moment when you know you're close to people.

I feel lucky that so many care about me, my family, and my kids.  That the names Emma and Chase go beyond my family.  That I get messages of things that make people think of them, that they are never truly gone.  They live in my heart and the hearts of many. I do believe Emma and Chase are with me, just not in the way I'd hoped.  I know as time goes on I'll make more peace with that.

I had a lot of signs throughout this cycle from Emma and Chase.  Signs I've been praying and begging for.  My dream, certain songs on the radio during certain moments, messages from people about dreaming about them or seeing them, certain things in nature, like the morning the sky was all pink and blue.  Things happened on certain days of the treatment or certain moments that just felt more than coincidental.

My dad passed away two years ago, and I've had a complicated relationship with him.  To make it short, I never felt very loved by him.  I heard a very old country song, The Gambler, by Kenny Rogers while going to both my follie checks.  While those songs in itself had interesting timing, this is a song I used to sing a lot with my dad as a kid. Anyways, during my last follie check as the song was playing, a truck pulled in front of me with a trailer.  In that trailer was a very specific electric wheelchair, the exact kind he had.  Just little things like that all throughout the cycle so far.

I'm proud of myself that I'm able to express all this and I cried while typing all this out.