Monday, December 31, 2012

New Year's Eve

I apologize for my last rant in my blog, after one of my visit's today, I just couldn't help it.  Now back to the meaning of today.

New Year's Eve

Ah, I remember this day so well a year ago.  I had just been diagnosed with DOR and was sad and scared, however, also hopeful.  I thought with an answer will finally come my baby.  I was hurting, but still had hope.  It was a mixed day as I celebrated with all the neighbors and some close friends.  We put a projector on the garage and watched a movie and had drinks and pot luck.  If you could see the projector, you were invited. Didn't matter who came.  We popped fireworks, laughed, got drunk, and had a blast.  I was two doors down from my house, so no driving.  The new year brought me dietary changes, herbs, supplements, and acupuncture later that spring and the hope of a dream come true.

Now it's a year later.  I sit here with the same diagnosis and the same answer I was given a year ago. IVF.  It's not IVF I'm opposed to, I honestly do not know how to fund it.  I've had some amazing people give me liks to websites where women sell other women their leftover drugs at a fraction of a price.  Applications to grants for IVF and while there are no clinical trials going on where I can get to them, I will continue looking.  I do have an appt with another RE one week from today as well as an adoption information session.  I have no expectations of 2013, no idea if I will be a mom or even close to being one a year from now.  I only know that I will go one day at a time with the information that I have and pray.  Pray for what, I actually no longer know either.  Do I pray to find a way to fund IVF?  Do I pray that maybe this new doctor will say injectibles?  Do I pray that will work?  Do I pray that I feel more open and excited about adoption?   Do I pray for the desire of children to just leave me?  Do I pray for the strength to deal with friends who are currently pregnant and those who will become pregnant in 2013?

This evening will be different from last year.  It's going to be just my husband and I.  We will eat pizza, watch movies, play boardgames, and bring in the new year together.  I will be okay this year no matter what because in the end he is my everything and we are together.

Drugs and Doctors

I know it's New Year's Eve and it's the time for me to reflect on my year and see where I am and where I hope to be, however, I have a very, very strong need to express my anger at something.  This is marginally TTC related, so feel free to skip this post.

DRUGS and DOCTORS!

I work with young children with diabilities.  Until October, I worked in school districts, first as a teacher, then as a behavior specialist.  I am a BCBA, which is a Board Certified Behavior Analyst.  I have worked with children with all disabilities from ages 3-21.  In October I switched from working in the school district for working with ECI, which stands for Early Childhood Intervention.  I know work with children from birth to three with disabilities.

One thing that made me sick in the schools is the amount of special needs children on drugs.  Doctors wrote scripts for everything.  My kid this, well, here's a drug.  Every kid who walked into a physicians office with any kind of issue, neurological, behavioral, cognitive, whatever, ended up with a stupid drug.  The drugs did different things to the kids.  Some seem to have no effect, some made them so calm they were comatose, some made them just calmer, some would decrease aggression, some increased aggression, some made children never hungry, some made them always hungry.  Meds need to be changed often because children are growing and as they grow they need less, more, or a dfiferent drug to "control them".  When the drugs are gone, the children revert back to what they were before they took the drug.  The drug didn't help them change, it just controlled them, made it easier for schools and parents.  It made me sick.

When I was an older teenager I had some emotional problems.  I'd had some challenges in my young life and as a result I had some anxiety, depression, etc.  At age 18 I saw a doctor for it.  What did I get?  A drug.  Drug after drug, after drug.  Finally they found drugs where I just didn't feel anything.  I don't remember my time on drugs.  One thing did happen while on those drugs though, I gained enormous amounts of weight. I gained about 50 lbs with the initial antidepressants I was given, but after I got married and those weren't working, they upped and gave me even more cocktails.  I was given all kinds of heavy duty drugs.  I took them all.  Doctor's know what's best, don't they?  I ended up going from a little overweight to morbidly obese.  I weighed 320 lbs. on these drugs and didn't care.  My amazing husband was tying my shoes daily because I could no longer reach my feet. I couldn't see them.  I had trouble shaving.  I had trouble with daily tasks that required bending, lifting, etc.  I was a nothing.  I have virtually no memory of thsi sad time in my life.  My incredible husband did everything for me and was only concerned for my health.  He never called me "fat", never berated me, yelled at me, told me take my fat ass to the gym, none of that.  I went to visit my friend who was having a baby.  During this visit I lost my "drugs".  I was staying with her for a few days and this was hours from home, so I couldn't get more.  By the end of the visit I started feeling.

I never, ever took those drugs again.  However, I was very morbidly obese.  I go back to the doctor (they know what's best, right?), and they give me drugs for weight loss.  Doesn't happen and eventually we go with gastric bypass.  It was 2008 when I had it done, I was 27 years old.  I did this to be healthy, for my husband, and for my future.  We were startign to talk about children.  I trusted doctors and so I had the surgery.  I did lose all the weight.  It's been 4 and a half years and I have not gained it back.  I maintain an active lifestyle.

This should be a happy story, right?  Unfortunately, there are studies coming out, and more research is needed, but it seems that gastric bypass surgery has a correlation to a reduction in AMH, meaning ovarian reserve.  It seems that there is a very good chance that this surgery has caused my infertility.  I am accepting that I have done this to myself.

In Sept of 2011 I went to the OB to find out why I wasn't pregnant yet.  I was still new to TTC, began July 2011, but I started charting immediately and coudl tell something was wrong.  The solution???  A drug.  3 cycles of a drug and no monitoring except a blood test taken on the wrong day of my cycle.  I saw a RE.  A year ago this month I was diagnosed with DOR.  Of course, the first thing the doctor wanted to do? DRUGS.  IVF. 

I did research for the rest of Dec 2011 and Jan 2012.  I saw it was possible to maybe conceive without medication.  Through diet, herbs, and supplemetns I could achieve parenthood.  Unfortunately it didn't work for me.  I am again at the mercy of doctor's and drugs.  I am scared.  Scared I can't afford them.  Scared of what they will do to my body.  Scared of the real cost in health and money for my baby. 

Now, why did I tell you what I do for a living?  It's not for the comments of you're amazing for working with sped kids, 'cause I'm not, believe me.  It's because I now work with children from birth to 3.  BIRTH to THREE.  Why am I emphasizing this????  Because several times now, including today, I stepped into a home where I ask about health and I am handed a bottle.  A bottle called Hydroxyzine.  I asked today, why is he taking this?  And what was I told?  It's the only thing they can give him this young.  What does it do?  It's supposed to make him calm down and sleep.  They upped the dose, it doesn't work, but I keep giving it. 

I am horrified and I want to cry.  I was horrified that children in the school districts take drugs that I was given as an adult.  I am horrified that babies are given drugs.  I am horrified that the answer to everything is a DRUG.  Please, if you get anything else from this blog, please be your own advocate, and please do your own research.

As a behaviorist I work at manipulating the environment to change behavior.  I work at improving communication and finding the function of behavior and then teaching an alternative behavior to meet the same function or making sure the function is no longer serving as the function in order to change the behavior.  I wish the first step with children was working with them, not drugging them.

I do need to put in a disclaimer.  I am not a person who doesn't believe in medication.  I am not a person who doesn't believe that even some children need to be on this medication.  I believe medicine can be good, that real problems exist that require their use.  That there is a need for it.  At the ame time, not ever child needs a drug and when a child is on a drug, they should be monitored, taken off the drug occasionally to see if it's still needed, etc.  Also, some of these children come from poor home environments where their behavior is really tied to the life they live and still they are given drugs.  I feel like crying as I type this.  It hurts me deep inside that this is being done to our chidlren.

I know and accept that I will need drugs to become a mom.  I'm not sure how much, at what leve, and if I can even afford it, but I do know i need it.  I know most women reading my blog do too. I hope this doesn't offend anyone and I hope the true meaning of what I'm trying to say is here.  I just have no where else to put this and so I'm doing it on my blog.

Sunday, December 30, 2012

Random thoughts....

I just have a lot of random stuff floating through my head.  A blog is for those types of things, right?

So, I'm on a break cycle.  on CD 1, I gave DH my BBT, OPKs, everything.  I thought I'd start wondering where they are, but not at all.  Hell, I may never ask for them again.  We'll see....  So, the benefits of being on break.  For the most part I did lost track of what CD I was on.  I say for the most part, because while I haven't been on FF really, I did notice a lot of O pain and thought it seems a bit early. Of course it's a bit early.... This cycle O was CD 10 or 11, ugh!!  Progesterone symptoms starting to feel later in the day on CD 12 and full force on today, CD 13.  So, since I am on break I notice O pain and then there's the whole "what do I do about this".  I know there's no BFP for me.  No way an egg is full matured or fully anything at this point.  However, there's the "what if...." I figured would be nagging in my head.  I decide I'm just going to hit on DH.  Whatever happens, happens.  If he's like lets DTD then game on, if he's like nah, then that's fine too.  No mention to him of O pain and I've never not told him before.  So....  I initiate and he accepts and we have a really good time, other than the pain in my ovary that is.  But I just relax and have a good time with my amazing husband on CD 10.  Then CD 11, I can still feel some of that ovary pain, not sure if it's too late or not, but I figure I'll hit on him again and see what happens....  Well, another good time.  I have to tell you, my DH is pretty on board with TTC and yes there's been some BD frustrations, but on the whole the man does what he needs to do when he needs to do it.  This not telling him, was so much fun, I must admit.  So, yesterday we're talking about baby stuff...  'cause well, I seem to have no other thought in my head anymore.  And he's like, what do we do about ovulation and stuff this time?  I'm like, oh that's over now.  He's like over?  I'm like, yep, noticed I was ovulating, I was horny  I jumped on you, we had fun.  He was like really?  He was like that was awesome.  I'm like yeah, way too early in my cycle though, so seriously doubt anything, but at least when AF comes I would have known the timing was right. Hmmm, might start doing this sort of BD and if he refuses when I initiate then I might mention we kinda need to.  In trying to keep positive, which I feel no positivity whatsoever, this means that when I see the new RE on 1/7, I will be around CD 1 or very close to it, so maybe they want to do some testing or something and I don't really have to wait.  Most of the reason why I feel so negative is financial.  I just don't know how to afford any kind of RE treatments.  If money were no option, I'd like one injectibles cycles to see how I respond, and then IVF.

Another thought through my head is how much less patience I have with poor parenting.  I'm not talking buying McDonald's for dinner, I'm talking about crappy ass parenting.  Mainly mine.  My mom does the best she can, we can debate on how much that is, but she does make the effort.  My dad....  He doesn't even try or really care.  Long story short, this is a man who gave his kids up for adoption to our step father because my mom was going to sue him for back owed child support and maybe jail time or something.  Not sure, I was barely a teenager.  This step father is now in prison for pedophilia if this explains anything of how that went.  Anyways.... I reconnect with him when I start college. He is very I miss my kids I made a horrible choice and have been depressed, blah, blah, blah.  So...  He comes to America to try and make it up to us, only he doesn't.  Long story short (and I really am trying to make this short), he never ever remembers my birthday.  When I told him I was infertile a few months ago, he's like oh, I was wondering when you were gonna have kids and keeps on eating.  He has no idea what I do for a living, where I work, or anything.  I've been trying to do the right thing but when he forgot my birthday, AGAIN, I just said this is enough.  The birth of one of his children was so insignificant that it's not worth remembering.  That when he does remember, always a few days later before my brother's bday, he leaves me a half-ass voice mail about "pleading for forgiveness . He's never forgotten the bdays of my sister or brother, just mine.  My brother and I have bdays 5 days apart.  Now he has some new g/f he wants me to meet and I just don't care.  He calls me, which when do I see you?  I want you to meet her.  I'm like why?  I told him I was busy.  I'm just over it.  Part of me feels like a bad daughter the other part of me is just so fucking angry.  Why the hell does this SOB get 3 perfectly good, healthy, nice children?  Why don't I get one baby?  WHY?????

DH likes to make things out of clay and he made me a gorgeous rose and painted it and everything   He gives it to me and I look at him and I'm like, I may really honestly never be able to give you children, are you really okay with staying married to me?  Are you really sure you want me?  I am so broken, from my bouts of depression in the past to this now.  He asks, lets reverse it, my sperm is bad, I can't give you the child, do you care?  I go, no, you are my heart and soul and I can't trade that for anything.  We'd just find another way.  And he goes, this is how I feel about you.  Please stop talking about you hope some car kills you or divorce or anything.  He says you hurt my feelings when you do this.  We are a team and we will get through this.  I'm finally like, okay.

I've seen this with other IF couples too, our love is so strong for each other.  And I am so incredibly lucky.  If someone held out a beautiful newborn of mine and my DH and said "choose one", there's no doubt what I would pick in my life.  This is a man who loved me when we were just high school kids and I clearly had "issues", who loved me when I weighed over 300 lbs thanks to anti depressants, who supported me through ever single thing I've wanted to do. Who loved me even though I can't love myself.  Who will never leave my side.  This is a man I will do anything and everything for.  I just hope, somehow, someway I can give this amazing man a baby.

Friday, December 28, 2012

mini rants

Just a mini rant, since I need to get this out somewhere.

First-I read today that Putin signed into law banning U.S. adoptions of Russican children.  This makes me so mad and sad.  I was talking to DH about this today and we decided if we end up with adoption, we will not do the international route, since what's to say this wont' happen with another country?  Russia is the second country for interanational adoptions from the U.S.  So many families have put in thousands of dollars and now may not get theri kiddo if they've been part of this process for a few months.  Adoption is a LONG process and I'm just so heartbroken.  Not to mention the russian orphans.  Putin could care less about them.  I could type up more and more, but I just don't have it in me today and there's really no point, it just sucks.

Secondly-CD 11 today, 99% sure I O'd last night, maybe today.  I haven't tracked anything this cycle, but I do know the signs, especially the O pain.  You can't track it 22 times and NOT notice it.  POS body dropping an egg at CD 10.  Whatever....  I'm pretty over it, just annoyed.  What the fuck was the point of acu?  I spent all that money for what?  I'm so mad at myself.  Can I do nothing right?

Monday, December 24, 2012

Looking ahead

Let me start by wishing everyone a very Merry Christmas!  No matter where you are in your journey and how you are feeling this holiday season I hope for just a little bit, there is peace in your heart and a moment to reflect all that you have.

I've made no secret of how hard this month has been this year.  Truthfully, this is a hard month every year.  There is so much that seems to go between Thanksgiving and Christmas I usually feel like I struggle to keep up.  I'm the kind of person who's favorite day is Groundhog's Day, like from the movie.  I like knowing and expecting what will happen, I like feeling like I have control.  For one month of the year I feel that gets taken away from me and it exposes my weakness and my fears.  I usually put up my tree, decorate, celebrate, get gifts done ahead of time, wrap them, put stockings out for the cats, I usually do one personalized ornament for who is currently in my household (aka pets and us).  This year I just couldn't do it.  I did stick my tree up.  Never decorated it or even put the skirt on it.  I only half-fluffed it.  I stuck it back in the box a couple of days ago.  Only today did I finish wrapping and celebrating tonight at my mom's.

However, with the amazing ladies on a special thread of BBC, I am doing better.  I baked a nice christmas tree cake and decorated it.  Made deviled eggs.  I am feeling at peace and enjoying my many blessings, my beautiful home, my health and that of my family, the love my husband and I share, the fact that we both have jobs, just many things.  I am finding peace for today and hopefully tomorrow and I am glad about that.

I made a phone call to a second clinic today.  Their success rates are better than my current clinic.  As sad as the rates were, in comparison to all the other clinics in the area, the one I go to is only worst than one other one.  Anyways, I've scheduled a consult for 1/7/13.   I plan to get my medical records from the first RE's office and bring it to them.  I want to know his opinion and what he has to say about everything.  That same day, from 6-9 I found an information seminar on adoption.  Private adoption based on a sliding scale of income and also adoption from foster care. DH and I are scared of that road, but we need to explore it's possibility so we plan to go and see what it's about.  I did read that even if we started on the process, it would be nine months to a year before all the requirements would be fulfilled.  We might start going towards it and see if a miracle will happen in the mean time.  I don't know.  We haven't made any decisions yet, except to explore our options and go from there.

Back in 2005 we bought a house.  Due to them handing out houses to everyone, our inspection wasn't properly done though it was an FHA loan with with down payment and everything.  It turns out we had a pretty bad foundation problem.  We moved near family in 2009 and were unable to sell the home due to the problem and repairs are about 20k.  We rented the house and bought a new one.  Last spring, a tornado hit the area and went through the backyard.  It did much damage to the house.  Unfortunately insurance played games with us and refused to give us enough money for all the repairs and the house is unlivable without them.  Without a rental income or the ability to fix up the house we cannot pay two mortgages and the house is now in foreclosure   Because of this, our credit is ruined and I tried getting a loan this weekend for IVF, but was denied due to everything.  While my body may respond to medical treatment, I may honestly not be able to afford it and it's something I need to accept and deal with.

Anyways, here is where I stand today.  Thinking of you all and wishing you a very blessed and Merry Christmas.

Sunday, December 23, 2012

ALWAYS do your homework!

In my graduate program I learned about research.  I don't mean google, I mean honest to goodness peer reviewed research.  It opened my eyes, I no longer believe statistics and things I hear at face value.  Including the words "70% success rate".  I KNOW that is false!  However, you don't know unless you research.  Ergo this website here: http://fertilitysuccessrates.com/  I query Texas and then clicked on the clinic's name.  I then checked out the SART report, then checked DOR and looked for women under 35.  It posts results from 2004-2010.  No newer stats are available right now.  

So, what do I find?  Let me start with the fact that the clinic as a whole has a 54.4% success rate.  Hmmm, not 70%, but let me look at my situation.  Yeah....  it gets worse.

Again, I queried Diminished Ovarian Reserve for women under 35 using their own eggs.

2010 - 25% success rate (4/16)
2009 - 62% success rate (8/13)
2008 - 38% success rate (6/16)
2007 - 29% success rate (2/7)
2006 - 18% success rate (2/11)
2005 - 33% success rate (6/18)
2004 - 0% success rate (0/5)

Total success rate: 29.2% success rate if you just average out the percentages.  However, if you add up the number of successes to the number of attempts, you get 33% (28/86).

Um, where the hell is 70%????  Yeah, I thought so....  I plan to check out all the other clinics.  For all I know these are the best success rates, but please don't feed me a story.

Friday, December 21, 2012

DOR = IVF

In the end it's what I always knew it would be.  I don't know why I thought I would be special or different, but I did.  I didn't honestly think I'd be sitting here one year after my diagnosis still waiting and praying for this baby, but I am.

I had my consult today and even though I toyed around with the idea of injectibles, at the end I knew I'd be facing IVF.  The RE broke it down to me like this:

To keep trying naturally = 1-3% chance

Injectibles + TI (timed intercourse) = 7%

Injectibles + IUI = 20% chance

IVF = 70% chance

He based most of this on my age and he doesn't see DOR as the huge problem.  He said since all my labs come up normal, he actually considers me DOR/Unexplained.  Of course, IVF is under 12k for the procedure and then 17k with the meds, though I plan to try and get donated meds if I can.  I have zero insurance coverage, so starting int he new year it's save, save, save.  We will pinch pennies, I will push my Scentsy, DH is going to look for a better paying job, and I plan on searching grants and scholarships and maybe we could do this this year, maybe even by summer, but we'll see....

DH and I considered our five options very carefully:
1. Live child free
2. Continue trying naturally
3. Injectibles/IUI
4. IVF
5. Adoption

We decided that living child free was not an option, so we crossed those off.  We also decided that continuing to try naturally was the same as choosing to live child free, so that option is not available either.  For the cost and the chance injectibles and IUI doesn't make much sense.  I would actually try a round if I had any coverage for it, but since I don't, I mean a few of those is one IVF cycle.  So that leaves us with IVF and adoption.  We really want one child that is biologically ours, so for now we are looking at one IVF cycle.  If it doesn't pan out and there are no leftover embroys to do a FET (with DOR it is highly unlikely I'll have anything to freeze), then we will pursue adoption.

Until we can afford our next step, the road has ended.  No more acu as I need all that money, considering continuing with some of the supp's like the CoQ10 and inosotil for egg quality since that can help with IVF, but I can get those online.

I am sad, but I accept where I am.  I pray I can save up the money for this procedure.  My main concern is affording it and then it working.  DH is only concerned about the leftover embryos.  I tried explaining that my world is diff, there's not going to be any left over most likely.  He's picturing twins and tons of eggs in storage.  I told him no, I'm lucky to get one baby out of all of this.  By definition of what's wrong I won't have any left over, maybe, just maybe one or two, but that's a very unlikely scenario.  In any event, we did agree that we would see all embryos through, meaning we would do FET's in the future (my RE will only do two at a time) and give them all a chance.  We could never destroy them our donate them, so that is our choice.

I also realized that right now the earliest I'll be a mom is when I'm 33 because I can't save up that kind of money by March.  Of course, I am aware that miracles happen everyday and I know I "could" conceive naturally, but it isn't very likely and I'd rather save and find out I don't need it, then not save and have no options.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Well, it's here

CD 1, of course!  My temps still seemed high yesterday, I mean a big drop meaning I knew it was over, but still much higher than when AF starts, but she came yesterday afternoon.  Today is CD 1 since it was in the afternoon and pretty light flow, today she's here with a vengeance   I feel kinda screwed 

I had my hopes falsely up, then AF does come, but one day too early for me to probably do anything with RE, since I'll be CD 4 when I see him.  I just keep telling myself that at least there's hope for 2013, but I don't honestly feel hope.  I started this journey when I was 30 years old, I just turned 32.  I'm LESS likely to be pregnant now than I was at 30.  I have DOR (diminished ovarian reserve), in the past few months I've seen very little success among other DOR women.  I've seen 3 failed IVFs, countless of failed IUIs, triggers, pills, etc.  I've seen two m/c's among DOR women.  I've seen only two success stories to be perfectly honest one was someone who gave up and took a "break" after doing several medicated cycles with no result and the other had just gotten the dx and was finishing her cycle to start up on meds when her BFP arrived.  So, the two success stories I did see were no medical intervention.  I've done no medical intention for 22 cycles, just started #23.  I am so scared this just won't work and I'm so scared of that thought.  Can I really fathom not being a mom?  Can I really accept that it just won't happen?

This is messing with my life.  I'm not the same person anymore and I feel it on the inside.  I feel broken, I'm having issues with my husband because this is all tied up into sex and I feel unattractive nd ugly.  I feel like I'm ruining my husband's life even though he tells me I make his world.  I can't even explain how I feel right now.  I am taking a break right now, I gave DH my OPKs, BBT, and HPTs to hide away from me for this cycle.  He looked sad when he took the bag which messed with my head more.  Does he want this baby more ethan he wants me?  He told me yesterday the worst thing that can happen is we can adopt and he said it's not that bad.  I know the process isn't as easy as it looks and I know it sounds selfish, but I just have the deep seeded desire to see a piece of me and DH in my child.

Monday, December 17, 2012

Thanks!

Thank you everyone for commented, especially for being truthful with me.  See, I don't ever test because I hate to see the BFN.  I only tested because it was my birthday and you know how much you just pray to see the lines.  I had a feeling it was just off and I am taking something to extend my LP plus my chart is confusing as anything.

In any event, it was as we thought and it's coming back down.  I'm thinking CD 1 might be tomorrow or Wed, which puts me at CD 2 or 3 with the RE, yay!  I had a comment about how the RE may not start me on treatment because they like to test.  I've actually been getting tested with the RE, so my last blood workup on everything was just in October, so I think there may be a chance that they would do CD 2 or 3 workups and just start me on something, but we'll see....

Sunday, December 16, 2012

Annoyed.....

Alright, I hesitate to post this because I'm not a fan of having any kind of "false" hope.  I don't like believing something or hoping for something that isn't true.  I'm honest with myself even if I don't like it.  This is why I'm not posting this on BBC, but on my blog instead.  I hope any comments I receive are people being honest and not just wishing the best for me.

Let me start with, I'm not actually 100% sure what day I O'd.  I went with CD 11 based on body signs and the way I felt.  It's possible I O'd CD 12 and FF actually thought I O'd CD 13.  I believe I saw my acu on CD 13 (I originally thought it was CD 12, but it was 13) and he told me that I did O and he thought it was CD 12.

So, what's the problem?  If I O'd CD 11, AF is due today.  If I O'd CD 12, AF is due Monday.  If I O'd CD 13, AF is due Tuesday.  AF is not here today.  My temp isn't even low today.  It's actually pretty high for me.  I did POAS this morning and, BFN.  I am actually pretty sure it's the progesterone my acu gave me.  I did shoot him an email asking if I should stop it and let my body get this over with, but he told me not to quit yet and to keep taking it until 15 DPO.  Of course, what is 15 DPO?  Is it Tuesday or Thursday?

I know there'a  chance I could be pregnant, but I honestly and truly don't think so.  I am mad there's still some tiny hope in my heart that the HCG just wasn't enough for it to pick up this morning. For the last 4 or 5 days I've had very bad cramps, very typical before AF for me.  My boobs are not very sore.  There is nothing else noteworthy.

If anyone wants to take a crack at my chart, def go for it.  I have no idea how to post the actual pic of my chart, so I will go ahead and post the link to it.  Please, no false hope guys.

Oh, my RE date got moved up to Friday, so I'm kinda hoping if this isn't a BFP, that AF comes Tues and then Fri would be 3 DPO and maybe I could start on Femara or something.

CHART

Thursday, December 13, 2012

It's not fucking fair!

This morning while driving to work and experiencing horrible cramps and watching my temp drop this morning I just started crying at how unfair all of this is.  I am so fucking pissed off and angry about this.  I am so scared that treatments won't work.  I am so terrified that I am really and truly never going to be a mom.  Hell, I was wishing some big vehicle would just crash into me and finish me off.

I thought I'd make a list of everything that wasn't fucking fair to hopefully get it out of my system and move on.

It's not fucking fair that:

1. I spent years making sure I was ready to be a mom, only to go through this shit. I knew my spouse for years before getting married.  Once married I stayed that way for years to make sure it was a good marriage.  That I went to college and then graduate school so that I could provide a better life for my baby.  That I bought the house I specifically did because I envisioned, baby, todder, child, and teen in it and now this shit.

2. That every fucking yeyhoo in my family can get knocked up at the drop of a hat, but not me.

3. That I met the most incredible women ever not on a birth board, but in an IF forum.  NONE of us should have to deal with this.  It's not fucking fair for anyone.

4. That the women on said IF forum spend years and money and everything just for the chance to become moms and once they do, most of them lose it.  It breaks my heart that 5 women I knew were due to have babies in July and now only two of them still will.  I feel like the most stupid, selfish bitch ever for feeling sorry for myself that I might not be pregnant in July when they lost their babies. God my heart breaks for them.

5. That my husband I work to pay taxes that go to people who didn't think or care before having kids and now they get money to support them, while the private insurance I PAY for doesn't even help cover the opportunity for me to be a mom.  I'm not asking anything be given to me, but I am asking that health insurance help cover the basics of what makes me a woman.  I work hard and I pay for this insurance.  It's not too much to ask.

6. That although I'm glad I'm seeing a RE soon (20 days!!), I can only afford a few treatments, so if it doesn't work, that's it, my chance is gone.  I might really never get to be a mom.

7. That a fucking tornado hit my stupid rental house last spring and the insurance company were a-holes who didn't help fix it, and now it's facing foreclosure because I couldn't afford to fix it.  Due to this foreclosure I cannot get any kind of financing for IF treatments. 

8. That the reason the fucking house was a rental property in the first place was because the inspector did a crappy job and didn't catch the foundation problem BEFORE we bought the house and we didn't have 20k laying around to fix the foundation before trying to sell it, therefore we were unable to sell it.  It was an FHA loan with an FHA inspector, beyond pissed off about this.

9. That this list doesn't matter.  At the end of the day I have to accept what is and that's that I'm an infertile woman desperate to be a mom and scared it won't happen.  What if it doesn't work?  What if I can't afford enough treatments?

10.  That Chase died before I was ever ready to let him go.  That cat was always there for me no matter what bad happened in my life and now I need him more than ever, but I can't even have him again. 

11.  That some women can do drugs, drink, sleep around, having nothing stable to offer a child conceive and keep their babies, while I'm scared of the fucking cup of coffee I am drinking.


I'm PMSing pretty bad, so yeah, I'm pissed off and upset today.  Yes, I knew this cycle would fail, but actually failing it doesn't make it any easier.  Seeing women I care about who did so much and waited so long to have a baby lose theirs while undeserving women pop them out like pez dispensers breaks my heart.  I want to hug each one of them and let them know how much I care and how angry I am that this happened.  That I pray to God they all conceve again soon with sticky rainbow babies.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

7 DPO

So, yesterday was 7 DPO and I had my progesterone taken.  This cycle has been a bit quirky for me since I kind of O'd out of nowhere on what appeared to be CD 11.  CD 12 was a +OPK, but a strong temp rise and it went on from there.  When I saw my acu on CD 12 at 2:00pm he could tell from the feel of my uterus that I'd O'd already.  So, CD 11 is my O date.

I got my results for my progesterone test and it was 11.8.  Very close to last cycle.  I've had some symptoms, the sore boobs, of course, and then tired.  Yesterday was the sorest my boobs felt and also the most tired I felt, but I did work 11 hours and wake up an hour before my alarm, so that could be as much to blame as anything.

So, in keepin track with my progesterone.  Last cycle was the first time I tried the liquid drops my acu gave me and it was 11.4, so very close to where it is now.  The cycle before it was 8.7, so the drops are definitely helping.

AF is due Sunday, so expecting her to come this weekend.  Today was a giant temp drop.  I actually do not usually make it to the AF date on FF.  My RE appt is on 1/2/13, while I was initially dreading it, I'm more hopeful now and praying that something simple and easy does the trick.

As for license plates, we have BFP-44 and BFN-37

Thursday, December 6, 2012

July

I know a lot of people both online and in real life that have recently found out they are pregnant.  All these people have one thing in common: They are all due in July.  I am happy for my friends who are pregnant because the real life ones I consider to be pretty good freinds and the online ones I consider not only good freinds, but hope that even with IF there can be a tomorrow and a baby.

I have my good days and bad days.  Days where I ask how things are going and want to absorb pregnancy as the outsider looking in.  Then there's the bad days.  The days where I just cry and cry and cry, because lets face it.  In July they are all going to be mothers and where will I be?  Will I even be pregnant?  I have to face the honest truth that I might not be. 

With the women who dealt with IF and are now pregnant, we still keep in touch becuase they don't feel part of the new club yet, they don't relate to other pregnant women yet, and while I know things will be fine for them, there's still the fear of the uncertainty 'cuase there is no control over what happens.  I am confident things will progress nice though and they will feel more and more comfortable with the "other side".

So, what happens in July?  What happens when they cross over from propsective moms to real mom's?  I imagine if I'm pregnant since I'll be joining them soon, they will be happy to cont talking to me.  What if I am not?  How will they feel about me and me about them?  What will happen?  Will the friendship dissolve because clearly I am not joining the new club?  I don't know why I'm worrired about this now, but I was talking on the phone with a friend who is due on July 4th and it just struck me.  July will also be two years of TTC, though I meausure my personal count by cycles, currently on 22.

So, what about this cycle?  I have no idea when I ovulated.  I do know that I did.  I think ti was either Monday or Tuesday.  I saw my acu at 2:00pm yesterday and he could tell I'd already O'd from the warmth of my uterus.  You are more than welcome to stalk the chart and share your opinion.  At least since I O'd early in my cycle AF won't start on my birthday, but a couple of days into it.  Maybe that's the way God intended so it won't hurt so bad. 

http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/367a2d

Monday, December 3, 2012

It's that time again.....

Well, here I am CD 11.  I typically start with OPKs on CD 10.  I actually used to start right after AF since I used to O around CD 9 or 10, but since acu, that hasn't happened, so I now start CD 10 since I typically O anywhere from CD 12-15.  Last few cycles it's been CD 14 or 15, so while I tested this morning, I was really expecting to see a darker line, not a screaming positive.  However, that's what it was.  A blaring, unmistakable + OPK at CD 11.  Digi was done to confirm and it did.

My first feeling was panic.  Uh, oh, am I ovulating today?  I used to O on +OPK day, but this was back before acu.  I freaked out on a thread I'm pretty active in and then as I was driving to work I felt calmer.  I won't O today, I feel O pain, and there was none this morning.  I'll O either tomorrow or Wednesday.

As those of you who've been following know, I've had a bit of a license plate obsession.  Okay, I'd be lying if it was new.  I've noticed them since I was a kid.  However, the plethora of BFP/BFN plates is incredible right now.  I started keeping track of what I saw starting CD 1 of my cycle.  I'm making a game for myself to see how many BFP vs. BFN plates I see in a cycle.  To me this is akin to when I'd actually pick flowers and do he loves me/loves me not with my then-boyfriend (um, he loved me, as we're married now, LOL!!)  So, here's my current count: BFP = 8 and BFN = 5.  My day did start with a BFP plate and ended with one too as DH and I took a walk before BD.

I don't want to have hope this will work out.  This cycle will end on my birthday and I don't want to deal with my birthday OR AF, much less both of them together.  However, somewhere in me there is hope.  I just can't help, but have it.  I know it's improbably and not likely, but it's still there.  The good thing about hope is it keeps you going, the bad thing is when it doesn't work out and it crushes you.

Friday, November 30, 2012

Be Thankful - week 5

I am so glad this is over.  I probably won't do this next year (I totally said this last year).  Lets hope I'm busy with a baby at that time.....  (I can dream, right?)

Day 26 - Thankful I had a great 4-day weekend since today isn't.

Day 27 - Thankful for my amazing acupuncturist!

Day 28 - Thankful my flat tire did not occur on the freeway.

Day 29 - I am thankful for my friends.  I feel so incredibly blessed today than I ever had in my whole life.  This past year as I have dealt with a struggle, I've been amazed at who has stepped up to the plate during the good and the bad and I can only hope you have received the same from me. Whether you are a close friend, an acquaintance, or somewhere in between I am thankful for all you've added to my life.

Day 30 - I saved this for the last day on purpose.  I am extremely thankful and blessed for my amazing, wonderful, loving, caring, husband.  I honestly don't know where I would be in life without this man.  I am absolutely the luckiest woman ever to have such an awesome best friend and spouse. Words cannot describe how much he means to me.

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Thank you!

I want to thank each and everyone one of you who took the time to respond to me on my blog yesterday.  I was in a very dark place and was at the very bottom of what I could handle.  I made it through my day and did a nice castor oil pack along with bath and wine.

Today was a better day.  For the first time in about a week I did not cry today and I felt okay.  I really did and hopefully I'm over the worst of it.  The holidays are just so hard and I'm facing another birthday soon.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

I can't do this anymore

I just can't do this anymore. I don't have one shred of hope or positivity left in me anymore. Between my new job that looks like is turning out to be a big mistake and this while TTC process that isn't working out either I just feel broken and hopeless. I don't know what to do or which way to turn anymore. I don't know what is right or how to get through any more of this. I am probably going to delete this blog soon since there is no point. All I am doing is Chaseing a dream that unfortunately died on 9/26/11 and isn't ever coming back. It's time to face reality.

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Be Thankful-Week 4

On Friday I will post my last week.  Here's for this past week, I'll be honest, I almost gave up this week and didn't finish, but I felt I made a commitment, so I should stick it out.

Day 18 - The neighborhood wreaths didn't take too long and came out really great!!  Can't wait to see them hung up.

Day 19 - Thankful my aircard came in at work!  Yay!

Day 20 - Thankful for a crazy, busy day that was able to distract my mind from what was bothering me. (This is when I started spiraling down from TTC)

Day 21 - Thankful I was able to get off of work early to get things ready.

Day 22 - Thankful I have 13 people coming to my house for Thanksgiving, because some people don't have any.

Day 23 - Thankful for a fun day watching Breaking Dawn and Breaking Dawn II with my mom.

Day 24 - Thankful for my 3 wonderful cats and for the 17 years I had with Chase.

Day 25 - Thankful for a bubble bath and a glass of wine.


Liebster Nominations

I am nominating the following blogs for the Liebster:  The Grass is Green Enough , The Idiodyssey, Eat Love Procreate, Our Journey to a Baby BumpLife as I Know It, Strong Mind Passionate Soul Crappy Uterus, Who You Callin' INFERTILE, Dandelion Soul, Dreaming of Dimples, Rollercoaster to Baby Bump, and Waiting on Baby Buchanan.

I apologize if any of you have been nominated already and it's okay if you choose not to do this because someone else nominated you first.

Here are the questions:

1. Your life is going to become a script for you movie.  Who do you want to play you?

2. What is your greatest accomplishment in life?

3. What is your favorite meal/food?

4. What is your favorite fairytale story and why?

5. What is your favorite hobby?

6. What would surprise me about you?

7. Who was your first kiss?

8. Do you have a phobia?

9. What kind of music do you listen to?

10. What is your favorite show?

11. Come up with your own question and answer it.

Can't wait to read the answers!

Liebster Award

So, I was just nominated for the Liebster Award from Wantinganotherwager.  You are too sweet to do that and I'll happily answer the questions.

For those who don't know, this is how it works:

You answer the 11 questions that were posted on the blog you were nominated from.  You answer them on your blog and then you nominate 11 more blogs and post 11 new questions for them.  I'm going to answer the questions that were nominated here and then post my new nominations and questions.

1. Where would you rather live, beach or mountains?
I would rather live on the beach.  I'm a big water person, love, love swimming!  I'm also a fan of warmer climates and it can get cold up in those mountains.

2. What is your favorite season and why?
I love Spring.  It starts to warm up, it's a season of new birth and new beginnings.  Everything is fresh and starting to wake up.  It just feels like a time of new possibilities.

3. What qualities do you look for in a best friend?
I look for people who are honest and are good people.  People who would put others before themselves and have a good heart.  I look for people who are "real" and don't fake or pretend or anything like that.

4. Are you a dog or a cat person?
I am a cat person.  I have 3 cats and then I feel all the neighborhood strays.  I am the crazy cat lady, LOL.

5. If you could travel to any country free of charge right now for two weeks, where would you go?
I would go to Israel to visit my family.  I haven't seen them since 1990 (except my aunts that came to visit my dad a year and a half ago).  It would be awesome to see family and then show my husband my childhood places and visit them.

6. Which family member are you the closest to and why?
Right now I'm closest to my mom.  She needs me the most right now and we have developed a good bond and a strong friendship.

7. Who is your favorite musician/musical group?
Alright, I guess I better 'fess up.  I really like rap music, especially 90s gangsta rap.  I have two groups I really like and neither one are that current, but I love their music.  One is Bone Thugz N Harmony and the other is Boyz II Men.  Boys II Men is not rap, just R&B, but I love both of those groups very much.  Yeah, sorry.....  LOL.

8. How many times have you been in love?
Other than my husband I've had one other serious relationship.  I actually ran away to New Jersey with this guy, but he was a complete a-hole and I'm super glad it didn't work out.  And I'm the one that broke up with his sorry ass!  LOL!

9. What's your favorite movie?
Okay, please don't make fun of me.  I heart Disney classic's and I love the movie Beauty and the Beast.  I love the music, the story, and Belle's yellow dress. The other movie I just love is The Wedding Singer.

10. eReader or real book?
Forever I refused a kindle 'cause I was all about the feel of a real book.  Then DH got me a kindle when I got my masters as a gift.  Can we say SOLD?  Love that thing with all my heart!!!  However, if I do love a book or a series, I still want to own the actual physical piece.  I love, love books!

11. Come up with your own question and answer it. 
I'm let's see....  I guess where did I meet my husband?  I've been with my husband since I was 16 years old. We met in high school in German class.  He is hands down the absolute most amazing man ever and I am so, so lucky to have him!

Friday, November 23, 2012

A New Attitude

So, here I am, CD 1 of cycle 22 of ATTC.  I am actually okay.  I know I had a pretty hard week, but I just had a realization this morning and a new attitude that I am going to pray remains with me for the rest of the year so that I can get through it and stay positive.

I am not going to conceive naturally.  My body simply can't.  Now, I am not going to discount acu, the herbs, and everything else I've done for my body.  My cycles have changed so much since starting acupuncture.  I used to ovulate very early in my cycle and now I ovulate mid-cycle.  My cycles used to also be about 3 weeks long and now they are about 25 days.  This past cycle with the progesterone and a few other changes, my LP was 12 days instead of the 10 or 11 it had been.  My progesterone has increased and my estrogen has decreased to normal range.  My other labwork has been really good since acupuncture as well.  However, I am not pregnant and I'm accepting the fact that for me, it's not going to happen naturally.

I plan to spend the rest of 2012 continuing to improve my body.  I am going to continue with the acupuncture, the herbs, and the supplements.  Unfortunately my insurance does not cover any fertility treatments at all, and as anyone who TTC knows, fertility treatments can be quite expensive.  This means that in the new year I cannot afford to continue doing acupuncture AND see the RE, so I am going to say goodbye to acu once I start with treatments.  I am looking at the rest of the year as finishing getting my body ready and hopefully it won't take as many drugs or as long with the drugs to get the BFP.  Hoping I have a good response to the medical treatment as well.  Once I do conceive and I am only seeing the RE to monitor the first trimester, I can see acu again to make sure I keep the pregnancy.

I will be forever grateful for all that acu has done for my body. I am praying that I can keep the outlook I have today for the rest of the year, even when cycle 23 begins.  I'll see the RE for the first time around the end of the 23rd cycle and be ready to start cycle 24 with him.

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Happy Thanksgiving

I want to take a moment to wish all my readers a very happy and blessed Thanksgiving!  I can't thank you guys enough for all of your love and support and I feel blessed for all of you.  Infertility has been one tough journey and it's nice to know others are rooting for me and helping keep me up.  I'm so excited for my blogger friends who recently got their BFPs and I can't wait for everyone else to get theirs too.

I feel honored that my biggest concern in life can be a child.  I have everything else in life that I need and a lot of what I want.  I have a great life, good friends, a family, amazing pets, a job, a nice house, and an amazing husband.  Even though I am dealing with IF I have this amazing support network.  Thank you all for what you mean in my life.

I will update on my cycle since AF is due today.  I've had two days of spotting and cramping and it looks like more spotting today.  The cramps are pretty bad and more "AF like". Not sure if my body is having trouble getting started with AF or what the deal is, but we'll see which day CD 1 falls.  Temps are low.  I'm 11 DPO today.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Progesterone Results

So, yesterday my results came in, I'm at 11.4 this cycle.  Much better than the 8.7 last time.  I guess the Vitex and Progesterone drops helped put me right where I should be.  So I had a cycle of my body doing what it should, but I can tell from the cramping this morning how it's probably going to end.  Of course, you never know until it's over, but at the same time you kinda do know.

My husband really wants me try again after this cycle and make it my last.  This next one will end around my birthday.  I think the numbers coming out so well made him real excited to try again.  Gotta love him for all his hope though.

I think I can guess how this will go.  AF is due on Thanksgiving and so I'll wake up ready for her and she'll no-show.  I'll spend all day in frustration and mild hope only to find her Friday, though she may wait until mid-day.  I'm sure somewhere in there will be a BFN or two since I'll test, unless my temp actually goes below coverline.

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Be Thankful-week 3

Here is this past week:

Day 12 - Thankful to have found a great deal on furniture.  Can't wait for it!

Day 13 - Thankful I wasn't injured in a car accident this morning (I was side swiped by an 18 wheeler during rush hour bumper to bumper traffic this morning).

Day 14 - Thankful for the coworker who showed me how to work my schedule so I could get off work earlier the day before Thanksgiving.

Day 15 - Thankful to be spending some time with good friends.

Day 16 - Thankful for GPS.

Day 17 - Thankful for PJ's, especially soft fuzzy ones with Hello Kitty on them.

Day 18 - Thankful the neighborhood wreaths didn't take too long and came out really great!! Can't wait to see them hung up.


Stupid, stupid, stupid!

I knew better.....  I started feeling the tiniest of cramps in my abdomen, it's 8 DPO, so about that time.  I know exactly what's going inside of me right now, my body has realized there isn't going to be a baby even though it spend the last 8 days preparing for one and building up my uterus for it.  Now the progesterone is going, oh, never mind  and my lining is slowly going to break down.  I can actually see it as I type this.  Lab said I should have my progesterone results on Monday, so I'll post when I get them.

 For some desperate reason I had a need to go to the 8 ball website where I specifically typed in the question "Will I find out I'm pregnant Thanksgiving 2012?"  Naturally the answer is "my sources say no".  WTF is wrong with me that I would go do that?  Why deep inside is there still a shred of hope?  I hate it, hate it, hate it!  I just want it to go away so it won't hurt so bad when AF comes.  Why, oh why, does it have to hurt so bad??  Praying again to God to please just take away my desire for a baby and let me enjoy the life I have.

This evening I'll post my week 3 of "Be Thankful".  I have to admit, it gets harder and harder as the month goes on to do this, but I have to remember that even though this kills me, I still have so much to be thankful for.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

I am not pregnant

Yep, I am not pregnant and I'm not going to be.  At least not in 2012.  It's time I start acting like it and stop playing all these stupid games.  I am so tired of this.  Tired of the heartbreak.  I went out to bingo with some of my former co-workers there and a friend who knew about my issues took a deep breath and told me I know you're going to want to scream and throw pillows at me, but I have tell you I'm pregnant.  I am very happy for this friend, she had no issues at all with IF and was not preventing but was going to get serious in the new year.  She was a supportive sounding board for me when we worked together this year.  It still hurt to hear it.  God, I wish BFP announcements didn't hurt.  I'm rarely upset about the person who's telling me.  It's just me.  It just reminds me that I can't get pregnant and my body won't do it and while I do have a diagnosis like DOR, I still don't honestly get why.  I'm guess I did it to myself when I gained extraordinary amounts of weight, maybe when I had gastric, maybe just years of screwing my body with diet pills, starvation, exercise, binging.  I don't know, but I am not pregnant and I highly doubt I'm going to be.

I'm officially done and taking the rest of the year off.  AF is due both on Thanksgiving and then on my 32nd birthday.  I just can't do this.  I actually spent some time googling things that were not good to do while pregnant because I wanted to do them all.   Maybe if I do all these things I'll actually forget how bad it hurts.

I am starting with my appt to get a keratin treatment on the 24th.  I will stop taking all "fertility related" herbs, supplements, and anything else.  I have to take calcium and a multi twice a day due to malabsorption  so I'll do that, but nothing else.  No acu.  I have one appt on the 28th and I'll just cancel it.

Other things on my list:
caffeine-yep, as much as I want, whenever I want.
alcohol-of course!
exercise-It's not good to do anything with weights so I think I'll start lifting those.
hot tub-gonna soak in that in the gym after my workouts
soft cheese
lunch meat
hot dogs
electric blanket and my castor oil packs.  I miss doing this anyways, it's been hard since I O'd.

The biggie?  I'm gonna get a tattoo for my 32nd bday.  I'm going to get a paw print.  Where should I put it?  I'm open to all ideas.  I need it hidden for work purposes, but no area that will "change", kwim?  Also, anything else that's bad for pregnancy let me know!!  Not big on sushi or else I'd eat that too, but open to other things.

I have no plans to really celebrate my bday otherwise.  I'll go to dinner with DH and any family members that would throw a big fuss, but that's it.  I'm working on talking DH out of not doing any holiday decorations this year.  My reason is I just started a new job and we're both just very busy right now.  Gonna order gifts online and wrap them and keep them in the closet until the gift exchange, but I don't really want to have it all around me the whole month.


Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Be Thankful-week 2

I just realized I forgot to post this last Sunday, so I'll do it today, but only from the last week.  I'll try to remember this week's on Sunday.

Day 5 - I am thankful for music.  No matter what your mood is, there is music to compliment it.  Music can change your mood, tell a story about your life, where you are, where you've been, and can express the same for others. Music can elicit memories.  I can't explain what a huge part music has played in my life.

Day 6 - I am thankful to be free.  Free to express my thoughts and opinions, free to vote for who I want, to decide to be educated or not, listen to the media or do my own research. Free to choose to work, stay at home, be married, or any other personal aspect of my life.  I am thankful to be an american.

Day 7 - Thankful for a car repair place that went out of their way to help me out. (headlights were out).

Day 8 - Thankful my job has flex time since my alarm screwed me this morning and I had to get something done before work (it was my acu and estrogen and LH tests-didn't post this part on FB).

Day 9 - Today I'm just thankful the week is done and it's finally the weekend!

Day 10 - I am really and truly thankful for Scentsy!  I'm not on my 2nd year as a consultant and it's just been an amazing experience.  I only went into this to help keep my friends supplied with was.  However, I've met the most amazing people and new friends, gotten some extra spending money, learned a  lot about an amazing company that makes me so happy to be a part of, and most importantly, I've now done a few fundraisers and it is so awesome to be able to do something for others.  without Scentsy I couldn't have helped as much and I'm so thankful for the opportunity.

Day 11 - Thankful for past, present, and future military who live their lives to make sure I can have mine. Bless you and your families.


Monday, November 12, 2012

Hellish Hormones

So, I'll admit, this was a very hard weekend for me.  I'm not 100% sure what happened, but I think it's a chemical/hormonal thing.

I swear I was totally fine and like a switch I just wasn't. It's like nothing could be said the right way and I was overly emotional to everything and then overly sensitive to how emotional I was being.  I swear I was trapped in my own personel hell. I apologized to DH at least once or twice an hr.  I was better yesterday, but still.... 

I know I've never felt my body change like it did on Saturday.  I think I am very glad that ovulation typically happens at night for me and I hope that trend continues in the future.  Another weird thing with all my moods this weekend is my legs were cramping, like when I'm low on potassium, but I've been so good on all of my supplements, so I don't get that either.  One major issue, since the time change I've hardly slept.  I am wired, like weirdly wired all the time.  I get up around 5:00 to go to work and that didn't change all weekend.  I couldn't make my brain be quiet or my energy settle down and even last night I forced myself to try and get sleep around 11:30.  You'd think I'd be dead, nope, wired today.  Like weirdly wired, kinda like mania.  I am going to mention this to acu tomorrow and I wonder if this is playing into my moods too.  So glad I have an appt tomorrow.

Thank you guys for your support as always.  I do feel like a Loony Toon for what I posted and I've considered deleting it, but it's how I felt and I think others can sometimes feel similar.

I did talk to DH about everything and he's super amazing as always.  I am so lucky to have him, you have no idea.  He's just been awesome even though I was some kind of crazy all weekend long.

I am doing much better today, just the wired thing still going on.  I'm 2 DPO and my chart did it's normal 2 DPO dip.  I hope I don't have a crazy LP or anything, though longer would be nice.  7 DPO check on Saturday.  I want to stop temping after tomorrow when FF confirms my O so hoping I can.

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Sex *TMI warning*

Most of the people reading this blog are TTC and are part of BBC.  There's a couple of people who read my blog (not sure they currently do, but they have int he past) who know me IRL.  Part of TTC has to do with sex.  It just does.  This is about some of that aspect and my personal feelings on my it.  So, feel free to read, but if you know me personally and don't really want to read this part, then feel free to skip this post.

So, yesterday was ovulation day for me.  I am now officially 1 DPO.  Yesterday morning I knew I was ovulating, I can actually feel O, which is both a blessing and a curse.  I was also "in the mood".  I figure kill two birds with one stone.  We did BD the night before, so I knew the timing was good.  To be honest I was more just "in the mood", it just coincidentally was O day.  So, I make the pass at DH and struck out.  He pulled the whole just woke up, too tired bit.  What killed me is if I'd said, I know I'm ovulating as we speak if we can do this it would be an extra good shot, he probably would have tried or at least would have def tried after he woke up a little bit more.  He knew it was "go time" as we call it, but he didn't know that yesterday morning it was happening.  I didn't want to tell him, dammit, I just wanted to sleep with my sexy husband.

Needless to say he didn't hit on me at all yesterday.  It was weird because I felt my body change throughout the day.  I had O pain in the morning, CM was wet, I was checking CM throughout the day and it became less watery and finally last night it was creamy.  My boobs went from fine, so tender, so sore by the night.  I knew last night that I was "past" ovulation.  I have never felt that in the day, this usually happens at night and I wake up with the progesterone symptoms.

Anyways, I felt very depressed all of yesterday.  I just felt undesired, like I wasn't attractive anymore.  On BBC you see  a lot of threads with "DH feels I only want to have sex at O time for a baby and he feels undesired".  Well, I'm on the opposite camp.  DH will do what needs done at the time it needs doing.  Outside of O time, not that much sex occurs.  When we have sex at O time, it's not wildly passionate or anything it's more like lets doe this for a baby.

Now, I'm not young.  I'm not an old maid, I'll be 32 next month, but c'mon, I'm a long way from 18 or 21.  Young women are associated with beauty and fertility.  Mostly fertility which is why guys are drawn to them. I'm neither, I'm not young and I'm not fertile.  Every day I become further away from both of those.  I just feel like I have no worth as a woman anymore.  He's not passionately attracted to me because I am not fertile.  At least this is how I feel. We don't do many dates, most of our "us" time is chores.  I just feel like we're friends.  The best of friends, but no passion.  It just hurts.

Now, we both work full time and live near family and spend time with friends, so I get there isn't that much time.  Sometimes you forget that piece and that's' the logical part of me that knows this.  However, right now I just feel like I'm less of a woman and I've already justified the 20 reasons why this isn't my cycle, I'm not going to be a mom, etc.  Truth is I just don't know.  This probably won't be my cycle because it's been 21 of them, so why would it be? But maybe it will.  It's a defense thing.  If I tell myself it won't work, then it won't hurt so bad when it doesn't work.  Especially considering my period is due on Thanksgiving. That's as lie too though 'cause it always hurts when it doesn't work out.  I dread the holidays this year.  My next period is actually due on my 32nd birthday and sad thing is, I really do know it will happen. However, there's always a stupid glimmer of hope and that's why it hurts so bad every time my period does come.

Anyways, I am pretty sure that all of this is in my head, but there it is and I don't know what to do about it.  Last night's convo of "you don't ever want to sleep with me", didn't go well, but might try explaining to him how it's more tied into my lack of fertility and my lack of worth.  I realize it came off like an attack on him last night.

I also know that I probably went it one big circle that makes no sense whatsoever, but I guess that's what blogging is for.  It's just me trying empty my brain with everything in it and these all the different thoughts that are in it.

If anyone actually made it through this whole pointless blob, I thank you for your support.  I'm actually amazed at the amount of people who read and support me. <3

Friday, November 9, 2012

The time has come...

Yep, O time is upon us!  I actually wasn't even sure what the date was at work yesterday.  Someone asked me and I said 13 and they said, no, I don't think so. Then I realized I was thinking CD!  LOL!  Um, like any other day besides CD or DPO matters?

Anyways, yesterday was my +OPK!  First thing in the morning after waking up late and running around like a mad woman.  I got my blood work done, acu wants E2 and LH and then got acu done.  So, lots of poking yesterday morning.  My acu was too sweet! I honestly heart this guy.  Anyways, he was asking me questions about stuff and seemed VERY happy with all my responses on CM color and consistency, said my abdomen was nice and warm (why do I always feel so cold??), was very happy to hear about some recent dietary changes, just all good.  When he felt my abdomen he says "nice and warm, now lets put a baby in there", it made me smile.  He's just so awesome!  Speaking of which, he will be doing webinars in 2013 and to kick it off, he's doing one this month 110% FREE!!!!  I'm sharing with you all:

http://www.axelradclinic.com/simple-effective-ways-to-boost-your-fertility.html

This is awesome whether you are doing fertility treatments or doing natural, and it's FREE, so why not?

Anyways, wish me luck!  We didn't get to BD yesterday because we had dinner with friends and got home too late, but did yesterday and will tonight and depending on temp tomorrow as well.  I had my +OPK yesterday and today.

My blood results just came in: E2 is 269 and LH is 32.7.  My acu says these are "perfect". 

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Be Thankful-week 1

Here are my Be Thankful posts for this week:

Day 1 - I am blessed to know so many caring people.  One of the hardest things about leaving my previous job is that most of my co-workers are the kindest most caring people ever. You just can't find that anywhere.  Thank you to all who brought me coffee.  (my friend's BIL is doing a tour in Iraq and his group is out of coffee, I was helping her collect some to send to them and my former co-workers were my main donators).

Day 2 - While people like to talk about the negative aspects, I am grateful for things like online forums and networking places because it allows me to connect with people I might not have otherwise known and help keep in touch with people I love and care about, but don't always have a chance to see.

Day 3 - (okay I felt so cheesy posting this, but it really was true yesterday) I am not kidding.  I have spent hours thinking of what to be grateful for as I was listing them all in my head.  Which do I choose today?  LOL.  In the end, I'm thankful for this, that I could actually spend hours thinking of all my blessings because I have so many.

Day 4 - Although I wish there were more days in my weekend, I am thankful to have a job to go to tomorrow.
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Don't get me wrong, I want a baby more than anything.  I can't explain how deep in my heart I want this child that I can see so clearly in my mind.  However, in the end of the day, I know for a fact that I wouldn't trade my life with anyone elses.  I may not have a baby, YET, but I am so blessed in so many ways.  Having a baby is the cherry on top of my life.

Friday, November 2, 2012

Castor Oil Pack

So yesterday I posted that I my castor oil came in and I was going to try a castor oil pack.  Wow, I had no idea what a treat I was in.  I thought the only purpose for one was cysts and/or endo and since I didn't have either, it didn't apply to me.  What I didn't understand is how completely and totally relaxing such a pack is.  Now, I'll admit, as I'm reading how to make one and I'm looking at it, I'm thinking, um, no.  I'm going to lay with some oil soaked rag and just ugh!  However, I am SO GLAD I tried this and I really wish I tried it sooner.  Here's a link to a video on how to make one and more info on it:

http://www.naturalfertilityshop.com/Articles.asp?ID=202

Just for the record, I didn't buy the kit.  I bought castor oil on amazon and then made the pack myself.  I also used an old pillowcase on top of the pack, not plastic and I used a heating pad and not a hot bottle of water.  Yesterday I dang near fell asleep while doing it and then all day today I felt so relaxed.  Tried it again tonight before my bath and honest to God, I can hardly keep my eyes open.  I also have a lot of insomnia, so this is just awesome.

Also, I am doing the "Be Thankful Challenge" on FB.  I'm going to post mine here every single Sunday with what I had for the week.  There will be only 4 this week since the challenge started yesterday.  I figure this is easier than doing it daily and while I was doing it on my own on FB, I was inspired to post it on this blog too due to someone else doing the same thing.  Just had to give credit that this was not my original idea.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

New Treatment Plan

So, my period came right on Saturday, well Friday afternoon, but CD 1 is considered on Saturday.  So barely an 11 day LP.  I've just been in a really, really crappy place and not having any kind of hope.  I do have an appt scheduled with the RE for 1/4/13, but I'm just depressed over it.  I had so hoped so have a natural conception with acu.  Anyways, I am giving it until the end of the year and praying for a miracle.

Had acu on Tuesday night and talked to him about the progesterone the fact that my period only had one day of flow and then only dark spotting.  Just not really good.  This cycle he wants me to repeat the estridiol lab at ovulation time and add the LH test as well. He also wants me to repeat the 7 DPO progesterone test to see those levels.  He also changed up my treatment plan some:

Multi vitamin daily (this isn't new)
B complex (this isn't new)
ProOmega-this was only added last cycle, wants me to continue with it
Liquid B12 (this isn't new)
CoQ10 (not new)
Inosotil (not new)
L-Arginine to help lining and circulation-this is new
Vitex (Chaste Tree)-started this last cycle but stopped after ovulation, he wants me to continue the whole cycle.
Custom Herbal Powder-new blend

I'm also adding castor oil packs and my castor oil arrived today.  I'm in a better place.  Not much hope this will work, but just feel the depression has been lifted, so that's good.  Of course, still praying for that miracle.


Friday, October 26, 2012

Cycle 21, here you come

Yesterday was just a really bad day.  I was so upset and depressed and just feeling done with TTC.  I had a big, big meltdown when I got home.  I was crying so hard and just so hurt inside.  DH was great, of course, he gave me a huge hug and held me.  Then we talked about where to go next.  We had said before we'd give acu the rest of the year and we really decided we will go ahead and do that.  So, there will be 2 more full cycles in 2012 and then one cycle that will start mid-Dec (prolly start right on my bday, knowing me) and end early January.  So, today I made the call, I went ahead and called the RE and scheduled a consult to discuss options since I have had my ovarian reserve checked 3 times this year and we'll go from there.  My appt is at 4:00 on 1/4/13.  It's a week before AF is due so this gives me time to decide and then proceed.  We are also going to look into adoption in January too as one of out options and see.

I just completed my 8th full acu cycle.  By the time I start any kind of treatments or adoption, I would have had 11 acu cycles.  I think that's sufficient time to give it a try and say that while there have been improvements  there's been no baby and maybe I need more help.  For now I'll continue and maybe a miracle will occur, but I don't believe it.  I believe I'll be sitting in the RE's office on 1/4.  DH is coming with me to the appt so we can decide together where to go next.

After I got done crying, I drank a whole bottle of wine and watched my fave show Big Bang Theory.  I feel sad about where I am in the process right now, but okay.  I have to go to a babyshwoer tomorrow for a very good friend and I'll go to Target in the morning and get the gift and then go and I'll be okay.  Might come home and cry and drink, but for her I'll be okay.  I was spotting this afternoon, so CD 1 will be tomorrow.  This makes it my 21st TTC cycle.  21?!  Am I really here?

I have acu on Tuesday, so I'll probably let him know the plan.  I know what he'll say, your progesterone is low we'll target it, you're almost there, etc.  I love my acu, I really do and I'm glad he's so hopeful, but I just don't see it.


Thursday, October 25, 2012

A New Prayer

So, today is 10 DPO for me.  I lay in bed this morning when the thermometer in my mouth and I already know.  I know my temp will be low.  I know because it always is at this time.  I know because my body is telling me it's going to be, with every symptom and what does hurt vs what doesn't hurt.  I just know in my mind and my heart and I no longer pray for my temp to be high.  No, I lay there praying with all my heart that I can just record the temp and go on with my day.  I pray that it won't kill me this time.  That my heart won't break.  That I can move forward.  The beep goes off, and of course, the temp is low.  I record it.  Note that AF will be here tomorrow or Saturday and get ready for work.  I let DH know when he wakes up and I head off to work.

I cry on my way to work because the prayer didn't work.  I do care and I feel numb.  I want a baby.  I don't get it.  I produced mature eggs, I did ovulate, I did have intercourse.  Why is there no baby????  20 times, and still, no baby.  Will there ever be a baby? 

When I started this journey I started off praying to please be pregnant, please the temp be up.  As cycle after cycle failed, tried Clomid, got tested, and finally diagnosed, I just prayed for it not to hurt so damned bad.  Just prayed for peace and optimism.  I find myself needing to change my prayer once again, I want to pay for God to take the desire for a baby away from my heart.  Is it even possible?  Can I even get the dream out of my heart?  This hurts too bad.

I can see my baby.  He is beautiful and perfect.  He has gorgeous dark brown curly hair.  It's very curly, just like mommy and daddy.  He has blue eyes.  Just the perfect blue, like out in the ocean, very similar to daddy's eyes only a bit darker.  I don't think anyone understands how clearly I see my baby.  I've seen him for years, even before I was ready for him I saw him.  He is everything I could ever want and more.  But is it real?  Did my mind make him up?  Am I ever truly going to have him?  I don't want to want this anymore.  I don't want the pain, the failure.  It hurts.  I am having a hard time picking myself up.  I don't know how long to keep going and at what point do I change my path.  Am I doing the right thing?  Do I move on the medical treatments?  What do I do? 

God, I am begging you to please just take away the pain and the desire.  If I can't have my baby, then make it to where I don't want one.  I have a good marriage, a nice house, and the most incredibly husband.  I have friends, pets, and other family members.  Just make me feel that is enough and that the rest doesn't matter.  Please, I am begging you.  Amen.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Progesterone Results

So, today I am 8 DPO.  I had my progesterone tested yesterday at 7 DPO.  Anyways, my number didn't come back so hot...  It was 8.7 :-(  My acu told me to take some progesterone drops and I got them tonight.  I can't make my appt this week due to the new job, so DH went and got them for me.  I did take them tonight (can I say yuck???).  Anyways....  Is there even a point for me to take it this cycle?  Can I even get a BFP?  Is it too late to work?  Should I just save them for next cycle?

I know in this case it doesn't mean a bad ovulation since my estrogen was 455 at ovulation.  So, what does ti mean?  Where do I stand and what do I do?  Just ugh!!!

On the other hand, an amazing person, Jessica (aka Holistic) got her BFP today!!  I'm super excited for her!!  Yeah!

Saturday, October 20, 2012

A podcast interview with my acu

A quick plug, my DH interviewed my acu for a podcast show that he does.  I'm posting the link in case anyone wants to hear it.  It's fascinating and doesn't just focus on fertility, but eastern medicine in general and the benefits of it.  Also talks about western medicine, I thought it was a great interview.  You can find it for free on itunes, just type in obsidian thoughts and look for eastern medicine.  This podcast is absolutely free.

http://www.obsidianthoughts.com/obsidian/?p=126

Friday, October 19, 2012

Two peas

So, apparently when I was describing what O felt like the other day, what I failed to understand is that wasn't one follie I was dealing with.  Apparently an E2 of 495 at your +OPK means I had two mature follies, so I probably released two eggs this cycle.  DH is all excited and already talking names for them.  Meh, I know better.  My acu was really pleased with the number and I'm glad that so far the numbers are looking good.  In the back of my head I keep thinking even if my ovarian reserve doesn't turn out to be affecting me much since the quality is there and clearly there's at least one egg every cycle (I guess sometimes two), then what do I do if I still don't conceive?  I know I'm jumping ahead of the game, but I see a lot of "unexplained" fertility issues.  For now I am explained though and things are looking good.  Getting my progesterone checked Monday at 7 DPO, but since going to an independent lab, it will probably take me a couple of days to get the number.

A few of you asks this in the comments section, but this is the end of her 2ww, this weekend.  So she is hardly pregnant and already posting on FB.  You know how it goes though, everything will be fine and she'll have a beautiful, healthy baby. I'm not jealous of her.  Her life is nothing I want for my own, but I'm envious of the fact that she can conceive and hurt by her lack of support of me and thoughtlessness at the way she told me and even thoughtlessness at the way and time she asked if I'd be Godparent.  I'm sure I'll "get over it", but I'm not there yet.  She hasn't called me back or anything, so hopefully I can keep my distance and avoid talking to her for a while.  No idea on if I'm going to be Godparent or not.  Maybe it's time to just cut this friendship.  I dunno.

So, I started a new job and yesterday was my first day out of orientation and meeting the group of people I'd be working with.  I was introduced to the group and then a weird thing happened.  It was at a large meeting, so after I was introuduced we were let out for a break.  A woman comes up to me and says "you're not pregnant, are you?"  I'm like, "um, what?"  She tells me that the last two BCBAs (that's my position, I'm a board certified behavior analyst) quit because they got pregnant and had their babies and wanted to be home with them and she wanted to make sure I'd be around for a while and wasn't pregnant.  I told her that I have no plans to quit.  Little does she know she struck the goldpot with the BCBA that can't conceive.  Anyways, that was really random.

I have to thank you all so much!!  I was so hurt yesterday and I still am, but a bit better.  I've been pretty down since yesterday morning and I'm in that throw in the towel mode.  I don't mind it when it happens now since AF is due in a week and then another two until O time, so I have 3 weeks to get over it, which I'm sure I will.  Anyways, I don't think you guys know how much your comments meant to me.  You guys really care and for those of you along in the 2ww with me, I'm keeping everything crossed for you that when I visit your blog I see  a nice, blaring BFP!  I'm talking, I want to see the pic of the stick!  *hugs*  Thank you all!

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

1 DPO today



So, with my nice temp rise, I am officially 1 DPO and on my 2WW!  Yay, this means that after I take just a couple more temps I'm done for this cycle.  Next Monday I'll go get my progesterone tested (super curious on it) and then that's it.  AF should be here Oct 28th, or thereabouts.  Hoping for a longer LP this time, especially having started the vitex.  

So, on my nice, long drive to work this morning, I spotted this car in front of me. I was so excited I had to snap a pic.  I'm sure it's more of a coincidence than a sign, but why play like it is for fun?





Sunday, October 14, 2012

The princess and the pea

So, I am pretty sure I am Oing.  Not sure what time it started, but my left ovary has been hurting all day.  O can also take 24 hours.  Depending on tomorrow's temp I may or may not BD tomorrow night, but I'm pretty sure it will be past my window.  Going to do it anyways just to make sure though, if my temp is low tomorrow.

DH actually "jumped me" in the middle of the night, LOL!  So BD got taken care of pretty early in the day.  So, if O is today, then I got two BD sessions in (Friday and then 4:30 this morning), if O is tomorrow, then those plus tomorrow night.  So, we'll see what happens.

Not every woman feels O pain and DH was asking me about it this morning and what it felt like.  He was like isn't it microscopic?  How do you feel it.  So I started thinking about how to explain it and finally remembered the story of The Princess and the Pea.  That's exactly how it feels.  Even though it's so tiny it feels like a stone is lodged in there.  Sometimes I can feel it burst through as well.  Not the actual moment it bursts, but kinda like your throat hurts if something gets stuck even if it's no longer stuck.  It's not horrible or anything like that, just more annoying, but at least I do know that I am oing, so glad for that confirmation.

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Here we go again...

First off, thank you everyone for your extreme support in my last blog.  I was just really upset and a little irrational, mostly I was just very tired and stressed and so I went a little bit nuts.  I didn't speak to DH for about 24 hours (this is RARE of me, I'm not really one of "those" girls.  DH and I typically solve it, but I can't even describe how exhausted and stressed I was).  Anyways, we talked and it's all good.  I actually showed him my FF calendar and how it shows even on CD 1 what my estimated "fertile days" are and as I add more data it adjusts it.  He likes the calendar and so on CD 1 I will send him the link to it so he can check and know for himself when he can do whatever and when he needs to be on a schedule.

So, anyways, we started BD yesterday and then today I got my +OPK!  We decided to go ahead and BD tomorrow and Monday and skip today.  Hopefully the timing will work out.  I got my +OPK around noon today and this morning (9ish) it was negative, so I know I just started my surge and I can get +OPK for a couple of days, so I'm guessing O is tomorrow or Monday.  Anyways, the schedule seems to work well for both of us, so as I temp and check my other signs we will see if it ends up working out or not.

Since today was +OPK, I managed to get to a lab to my E2 drawn.  I hope the number comes up real good and then at 7 DPO I will get a progesterone test and see what that tells us.  My acu is the one wanting the numbers so he can adjust accordingly.  I am so incredibly lucky to have such an awesome acu.

Anyways, while I know in my mind and heart that unprotected sex and O time can equal a baby.  My whole heart is pinned on this as "the one".  It may be, it may not be.  It's definitely been awesome for data gathering.  I'm so happy with my CD 3 results and hopefully these will give us answer as well.  I'm trying to be more analytical and less emotional because this hurts less and I feel like I can be productive here. I can't force my body to conceive, but I can work on numbers and labs if they don't measure right.  I have control over that if that make any sense.

Haunted house tonight, w00t!

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

DH Vent

I just need to vent on my husband real quick because I feel like I have absolutely no one I can talk to about this.  Let me start off by saying I have a great relationship with my husband.  He's actually my very best friend.  However, as anyone dealing with IF knows, especially if the one woman is the one with the IF, it all falls to us.

Taking temp, pills, powders, appt's, ultrasounds, tracking with cycle CD, peeing on OPKs, HPTs, etc.  I can't EVER forget I'm very actively TTC because I have to do something with it every single day.  What I need DH to do is be there when days are hard and I think I'll never conceive and when I say it's "go time", he's ready.

So, since CD 6 my left ovary has felt "pinchy".  I can def. feel it there and even when I had my CD 3 u/s the tech said I had better follies on my left.  So, here I am CD 10 and while my OPK is pretty light, I have EWCM.  We had sex "for fun" on CD 7.  So I told him on my way home from work that I wanted to go on an every other day (EOD) schedule until I get my +OPK starting tonight.  So, he asks if we can start tomorrow and I'm like why?  He says, because I already got off today.  Um, WTF???

I am pretty P'O'd about that. I actually don't typically care about that but this is getting close to "o time" here and I can't have that.  When I went off on him he told me well, you said O probably this weekend and so it's only Wed.  I need you to make out a sched for me so I know when you are going to O and we plan accordingly.

REALLY????  I would like to freakin' know when I'm Oing well ahead of time too, but I don't.  I don't get advance notice, just signs that it's "coming" and then "it's over".  When I get real close I can sometimes narrow the day, but I don't just know ahead of time when it will happen.  I also feel that if I say "this weekend" I'm going to O, then you are "hands off" for the few days prior to it, and yes, Wed counts in my book.

I know I'm probably over reacting, but I am just so incredibly mad!! On top of it I started a brand new job and the orientation is very far away from my house, I'm talking like 90 min. commute in rush hour.  So, I had a 12 hour day today between the driving, the orientation, and then having my TB skin test results.  I come home for a little bit before running to an HOA meeting.  He calls me while I'm on the road and wnats to know what to do about dinner.  Really???  You can't cook something?  Maybe have something ready for me.  I come home, are dishes done?  No.  They are waiting for me.  So, all I have time to do before my HOA meeting is feed cats, wash dishes, and then blog here because I am crying.  DH and I got into a fight over O and BD, so he's in his office with the door shut which if fine because I don't want to see him.  Also, we got extra border for this Halloween fence thing we're doing and naturally I have to put that up too.  Oh, and get up extra early tomorrow for that commute again.  I am so tired, fed up, and frustrated.

I pretty much told him to take this cycle and shove it.  I hate feeling this way, so negative and out of control.  I just don't know what to do about it this moment.  I just want to cry.  I know I'm exhausted since I had trouble sleeping since I was anxious about my job today.  Sigh.....  off to HOA meeting.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Labs and acu

Alright, so my last number came in!  Yeah!!  My full labs are:

                     Dec             May           Oct
AFC              6-8              6               8-9
P4                 1.66         <0.200        <0.200
LH                3.78           2.99             2.99
FSH              8.10           8.26             6.90
E2                 101             23.9            25.8
AMH             0.67           0.24            0.36      

My acu also wants me to get my E2 checked again once I get my +OPK and also my P4 at 7 DPO.  He says then he'll have the full picture of everything right now.  We are both very hopeful for a natural conception.  He said he always did think it can happen, just takes a bit longer when you do it natural so I'm telling myself it's time to chill for the rest of the year.  Just enjoy the fall, the seasons, and the BFPs I know some awesome ladies are going to get and maybe mine will come too.  I know I'm freaking out more because my bday is in Dec and I'll be 32.  However my body has improved and is doing good and that is something to celebrate and rejoice.

I am CD 9 today and will start with OPKs and temping once I get a postive.  My left ovary has been "sore" since CD 6.  I can just feel it there and I felt it a lot today, enough hat I took an OPK since I was a bit nervous, but luckily it's negative.  I'm thinking I'll probably ovulate sometime this weekend.