Monday, July 30, 2012

Ramblings...

So, I am officially past ovulation at this point, just not sure how much.  My chart and I seem to be having a disagreement and tomorrow I have acupuncture and will see what he thinks about things.  Hopefully good news!!

I am still doing okay mood wise, but I've had the worst cramps so far during this Luteal Phase.  This really has been a crappy cycle throughout every stage of it and I look forward to it being over in about a week or so.

So, I've been debating offering to throw a friend of mine a baby shower.  She is a real sweetheart and I'm honestly happy for her pregnancy.  She's so nice and understanding that it really hasn't been bothering me.  I even messaged her today just to find out the gender-boy!  The baby is due in December and I'm thinking of throwing it in November.  Probably before Thanksgiving.  Of course while it doesn't bother me today, it might in November if I have yet to conceive and here she is about to pop, but I think I'll still be okay.  I have days where it kills me not to hold a baby and I feel she's one I could go to her house and hold her baby for a while, if that makes any sense at all.  I welcome your opinions on it.

Friday, July 27, 2012

Picking Up

I am truly lucky and blessed.  I know I want a baby so bad that some days I can hardly stand it, but I am truly blessed to have all that I have.  I have an amazing husband.  Not just someone who's good to me, but someone who I can connect with on every level.  He is my best friend and a great husband.  How I got this lucky in life, I'll never know.  Even more amazing, I found him when I was only 15!  I do have a stable job that I do enjoy (for the most part).  I have a nice home and nice pets.  I think some days it's just so easy to lose sight of that when that dark cloud looms over me.

Yesterday had a combo of things, yes, I was surprised to hear about my classmate carrying twins.  However, I had a frustrating day at work coupled by the fact that it had been 10 months since I said goodbye to Chase.  Also, as anyone dealing with fertility issues can tell you, ovulation time can actually be quite stressful.  There's the promise of hope coupled with fear of failure and then trying to be intimate all at the same time.

Also, it's hard to necessarily point out ovulation "day".  My chart is a bit off this cycle and I'm actually not sure if it was Wed, yesterday, or today.  I am very doubtful it was on Wed, I think it's either yesterday or today, but I won't know for sure for a few days.

After a nice walk and talk with my husband I felt much better and we spent some time just hanging out and watching some shows and enjoying a drink.  Then today we're spending the day hanging out, playing games, visited a dairy farm, lunch out, etc.  Tomorrow night we're going to the symphony.  Our lives can be so busy we often spend our time doing chores together instead of enjoying each other's company and just relaxing, so its' nice to take the time to do that.  Feeling more optimistic and hopeful and I'm going to make sure I keep being positive no matter what the results of this cycle are (please remind me I said this in about two weeks, LOL).

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Feeling down

I feel really bad.  I kind of started off this blog and I feel it's all pretty negative from the get go.  Had I started this a month ago, maybe even a bit more it would have been pretty much 99.9% positive.  I was very excited about everything, but now I just feel like I've fallen into a real depression and just a real fear of never realizing my dream of being a mom.

I don't necessarily get why I feel this way.  Every single cycle since starting acupuncture, something different has happened.  This is good, it means the acupuncture is effective along with the herbs and supplements and my body is responding.  I have an amazing acupuncturist who makes changes based on the information from my body and it's responding.  Even though I haven't gotten pregnant yet, there's lots of reason to believe I will.

Then there's just the part of me that is so scared of what if this doesn't happen.  What if these changes aren't enough?

Today I'm ovulating and I should be happy and ready for this change.  It's even cycle day 15, the latest I've ever ovulated, which is awesome for me!  but yet I just feel empty inside like it's not going to happen.  I've had a bit of a bummer day.   Started off with work not going real great which reminded me I had applied for a promotional opportunity and apparently wasn't even considered enough for an interview.  I do qualify for this position.  I remember the beginning of summer asking God to please either help me get the job or help me conceive.  Some people thought I should have asked for both, but really just one would have been enough.  It would have given me something while I work towards the other.  Summer is almost over, this cycle should be ending in two weeks which lands me just days before the start of the school year and it looks like I won't get either one.

The girl I posted about before who got her BFP, got more than just "a" BFP.  She got two of them.  She's going to have twins.  Why is it that hearing that someone else conceived makes me think I can't do it?  What bearing does someone else's fertility have on my own?  Nothing.  Her body and my body are not the same and just because she's pregnant with twins doesn't mean I won't get pregnant.  I always think what if I do conceive this cycle?  I'm just going to feel dumb about how I feel now.

I'm upset in general at myself for feeling this low and upset.  I don't get why I feel this way.  I really don't.  I should be happy and excited right now, but I"m not.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Ovulation is here!

Well, my OPK (ovulation predictor kit) turned positive!!  Yay!!  So my chart thinks I'm ovulating tomorrow, so we'll see what happens this cycle....

I just need to say how incredible amazing acupuncture is!  24 hours after my body being "stuck" it's suddenly all ready for ovulation.  My blood sugar issues are gone now that he made the supplement adjustment.  This is not the first time acupuncture has helped me.  I've had a few times now where my body wasn't doing what it should be doing and immediately after acupuncture it was good.  I think this is going to be my lesson to stop freaking out and just now that acupuncture will fix it.  I am so lucky to have my acupuncturist, you guys have no idea!

Dreams....

I had a dream about my beautiful Chase last night.  I either rarely dream or rarely remember that I dreamed, but this is my second Chase dream this week.  Tomorrow is 10 months since he passed away.

My DH woke up this morning and asked me if I told one of the cats I was pregnant.  I said no, but I probably will tell them when I am.  He said he must've dreamed it and went back to sleep.

I guess this might be a more appropriate title for this blog than I ever thought.  Dreams are not always reality. 

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Losing hope

So, I am currently on day 13 of my cycle.  I started this cycle out without much hope for it because my period seemed different than usual, and I've had a night or two with night sweats (very common with DOR) and then I've had some blood sugar issues as well.  My body in general is just feeling "off".  I kept hoping that as my cycle went on things would improve, but they are not.  The latest I ever gotten my first + OPK has been cycle day 12.  The line for me usually starts off light and gets darker.  There is hardly even a second line at all.  Furthermore, for about half the day now I've had cramps, very similar to when I get my period.

So, the girl who I found out got her BFP is going in for her beta today and once that comes back positive she is going to post her BFP for all of the FB world to see.  I got my Masters in May 2011 and since then every girl in my class who wanted children have given birth to them.  They all conceived within 3 months of graduation.

I'm trying not to cry right now, but it's hard.  I have acupuncture this evening so I'm curious as to what he has to say.  I hate my body, I just feel ugly and broken right now.

Friday, July 20, 2012

Someone else with a BFP.....

So, I was updating my FF with some of my fertility signs for the day and decided to check out this girl's chart.  We went to graduate school together and she had her first child during the last year.  She has PCOS and it took her three years to conceive her first, however, it was very soon after her diagnosis and the same cycle as her HSG.  She started TTC again in April 2012.  Well, she'd been messaging me on how hard TTC is, etc (at least she has one baby!).  Her RE was going to start her on Clomid next cycle if she didn't get a BFP, so I go see if her new cycle started yet and I see she got a BFP a few days ago.  She didn't say anything to me about this.  So, I message her and ask her about it and she says she hasn't told anyone since she feels a weird pain and wants to make sure it's not ectopic and she's getting checked on Tuesday by her RE.

My feelings are hurt on a few fronts.  First of all, I'm hurt she didn't tell me.  Then I am a bit jealous and not that happy to hear about her BFP.  She wasn't very nice when she was preg and then she complained about her baby a lot when he was first born.  Not that I'm one to judge on whether someone deserves to have their baby or not, just another classic case of here's someone who's pregnant...again!  And here there's me.  Am I ever going to be a mom?  I want a baby so bad.  With every fiber of my being right now, I just want to be a mom.  Why can't I be?

This is a person in general that only texts me.  She doesn't see me in person (even though I live real close) or even comments on my FB.  It's like being back in high school and some popular girl tries to make you her "secret friend".

I'm just having a very bad moment.  I wish I had someone to call and cry to and talk about this, but I just feel alone and without a baby.

Why blog?

Okay, I realize I've been a little post happy today. This is my 3rd post for the day, but I guess I feel the need to put in the background.

I've thought about doing a blog for a while, but didn't because I'll have my BFP soon and then what's the point?  Well, again this is my 17th cycle and I'm not feeling it this time. I'm not being negative, I just honestly don't feel like it's my cycle, but it's okay 'cause it is coming soon.

However, until my BFP does come, I do have this blog and once my BFP does coming then that's a whole new road with new fears and hopefully it goes well.  Then I'll be a mom and start trying for #2.

I have lots of thoughts and dreams in my world, just right now TTC is the main one.  I figure this is a blog that can change with me as time goes on.

I want to thank my peeps on BBC (you know who you are) for being so supportive and encouraging of my journey and starting my blog.  I love you guys!!

My TTC Story.... so far

I have wanted children for a little while now, but was scared of being a bad parent.  I wanted to be "ready" when I had kids and wanted to provide the best possible life for that child.  I was also very scared of postpartum depression as I've dealt with some mental health issues when I was younger.

I finished my masters degree in May of 2011 and my husband was bugging me about having kids.  I told him I wanted to just relax and enjoy myself a little bit before being pregnant.  Yeah, some of that was true, but I was mostly scared.  On July 1st, 2011 I woke up and told my husband, "I'm ready".  We started officially TTC that day.

I should mention it never really occurred to me I'd have fertility issues.  My sister has 3 kids, my mom has 3 kids, my cousins, aunts, uncles, etc all have kids.  I did think maybe something on my husband's side as they only have one child, always a boy, and if there are more than one child the age difference is huge.  I remember the day I got my masters I asked how I felt and I jokingly said "Ouch, I just felt my fertility decrease."  Bad joke!

My first cycle I didn't worry about anything.  Just "had fun".  Unprotected sex = baby, right?  No! On July 5-8, I went on vacay to Cancun with some good friends of ours.  Came back with what I was hoping was my Mexico baby.  Heck, I was already planning the "Made in Mexico" onesie I was having made for my baby.  I "knew" I ovulated on my trip because an ovulation calendar told me so (are you laughing yet?).  July 16, my period came and I was crying and sad.  I'm a "take control" kind of girl and so having browsed around some websites, mostly babycenter.  I got the book Taking Charge of Your Fertility and a thermometer and ergo the world of taking my temperature.  I started tempting my 2nd cycle of TTC.  I hadn't read my whole book, so I messed up some that cycle.  I was tempting in the evening and using a regular thermometer, but about a week into my cycle I realized how it needed to be done and started tempting first thing in the morning.  I started seeing a wacky pattern of I ovulate very early in my cycle and my cycles are only about 3 weeks long. Not only that, but I got dotted lines, not solid lines, indicating it's possible I wasn't really ovulating.

In September I took my four charts and made an appt with my OBGYN.  I told him I really don't think I'm ovulating.  Bloodwork on Cycle day 21 was only a 5.4, which they told me may or may not indicate ovulation.  However, they will drug me.  I was put on Clomid to ensure I ovulated.  I was given 50 mg.  Cycle days 5-9.  So, my first cycle on it I was concerned because it looked my ovulation days were occurring very early cycle days 9-11. I was worried about my follicles having a chance to grow.  I was not monitored except for a progesterone test, which they would only do on Day 21.  Let me just say that my cycles at this time are ending around day 23.  With my early ovulation dates, my progesterone needs to be taken at 7 DPO (days past ovulation).  Not Cycle day 21.  I was on this nightmare drug for 3 full cycles.  Now, Clomid has helped many women conceive children, I'm glad it's available for those who need it.  However, the side effects can be horrible.  First Clomid cycle I was okay, just had a headache.  It didn't work, though I did ovulate.  Second cycle I was crying a lot and had a headache and was just sensitive in general, no baby.  Third cycle I was nuts, I also told the OB I needed to take it earlier for it to affect me, I was ovulating very early.  They told me do days 3-7, so I did that.  I was an emotional wreck.  I was crying, my head hurt, I freaked out over everything.  I was starting to just become totally crazy.  I knew then that it would be my last Clomid cycle.  My LP was 15 days!  At the end of the cycle I tried talking to my OB, I said something more is wrong here, I know it.  He pretty much wrote me off, saying that it takes time, I'm still young, blah, blah, blah.

So, at the end of my 3rd Clomid cycle, I started seeing a RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist), also known as a fertility specialist.  He said call him at the start of my new cycle, which I did.  He had me come in Cycle Day 3 for an ultrasound and a bunch of bloodwork.  I also went to a lab to get a bunch of bloodwork done. It was something like 21 different tests.  Oh, when I was on Clomid, my husband had a SA (sperm analysis) done and he came out wonderful on that.  Now, I am thinking that all that's wrong with me is I ovulate too early.  I need a drug to hold off ovulation so my follicle can mature.

The Thursday before new years, December 29, 2011, I was asked to come in since they now had all the info they needed to tell me what was going on.  I was annoyed this couldn't be done on the phone.  I have to come in, so you can say, hey I ovulate early give me a pill to make it happen later?  I asked my husband to come with me and I'm so glad I did.  We arrived at the office and we were the last appointment, the day before a holiday.  You could see the break room had all kinds of food indicating a new year's celebration.  My husband and I sat down while he's going over my labs and trying to say something about AMH and it's too low and too many things I don't understand.  I'm suddenly realizing that I have a big problem.  Something really is wrong with me.

My diagnosis was Diminished Ovarian Reserve, DOR.  There's a lot of debate over what that actually means.  Anywhere ranging from I'm running out of eggs to it just means I have fewer follicles maturing.  Either way, it's not a good diagnosis.  At the time my Estrogen was too high, at 101, my FSH was normal, but only artificially normal since my Estrogen was high.  My AFC was 6, normal is 8-18.  My AMH was .67.  The RE told me they get a little nervous at about 1, mine was below that.  He told me that I had very little chance of natural conception.  He did tell me that it is still possible for me to conceive naturally, just very unlikely.  He recommended IVF.  He said they could do IUI and trigger, but that it didn't have as high a success rate and they couldn't control multiples as easy as with IVF. He said due to only being 31 (I just turned 31 in December), that he would only put two eggs in me, so at the most twins, mostly likely a singleton.  But before that, he had the real scary news.....  Because I was only 31 and had DOR I was now a strong candidate for being a Fragile X carrier.  I needed to be tested asap.  Which I did.  After a horrible month of waiting on that one, I was clear.  I'm not a fragile x carrier.  I have to also mention this RE was really awesome.  As I said, last appt on the the day before a holiday.  He was patient, he answered all our questions, explained everything, never rushed us.

I don't need to tell you how drunk I got New Year's Eve after all this info.  After finding out I was not a fragile x carrier and doing research I found some women who conceived with acupuncture and herbs.  I started just on herbs since I couldn't afford acupuncture and wanted to find the right person.   I did multiple searches for acupuncturists and found one that I started going to and love on the 6 month anniversary of Chase's passing.

I did repeat my blood work in May.  This time my estrogen and FSH came up normal, indicating my egg quality is okay, but my AFC and AMH came up worse.  My AFC went down to 3 (normal is 8-18) and my AMH (normal is one and above) down to .24.  This was horrible news to me, but my acupuncturist firmly believes that I am capable of natural conception and I'm staying on this path.

I have now been TTC for over a year, I'm on my 17th cycle, on Cycle Day 9 of it.  Thanks to acupuncture and herbs I ovulate around Day 14, which an LP (luteal phase) of 11 to 12 days.  Every cycle I notice improvements and I think my BFP (big fat positive) is on it's way.

The story of Chase

 On May 4, 1994 the world received a precious gift.  It was the birth of a cat who would touch my very soul.  Chase joined my family in the summer of 1994 and between he and I, it was love at first sight. I was 13 years old.
This cat was my heart and my soul.  He was a part of me.  He was always with me, I had a bit of a hard childhood and during the challenging moments he was there to sit on my tummy and purr.  He had a gorgeous and musical purr, nothing like it heard since.  It is so hard for me to capture the magic that was that cat and put into mere words.  He was gorgeous.  I knew in high school that should I have ever a son, his name would be Chase. 
Chase came to college with me.  I actually snuck him into my dorm when I had to live in one and I would take him out in my duffle bag if I was suspecting dorm checks.  He came with me when I graduated and even though I met my husband in high school, Chase had to like him before I'd even consider anything serious.  My DH came to love Chase.
One day while I was driving in the car, this was about five years ago, I had a very weird feeling pass over me.  I suddenly knew that the year I conceived was the same year I'd lose Chase.  I can remember that moment like anything, I was driving my car and suddenly had goosebumps. It was unlike anything I can explain. 
I know a lot of people think I'm crazy, probably even the people reading this blog, but I just know that one day I'll have a son named Chase.  This journey has been hard for me because I keep looking for signs and anything related to Chase has much more meaning to me, like his birthdate, and even the date of his passing.  
Chase passed away September 26, 2011.  He was 17.5 years old.  He had trouble breathing and he looked thin.  I took him to the vet the Friday before he left us and was told he had air or something in his stomach, it was a weird mass.  He got a steroid shot to make him feel better and hopefully he could eat.  Saturday was a glorious Day.  Chase was energetic, eating, in a good mood, I spent time with him.  Sunday he wasn't doing so great again and by that night I knew I'd have to say goodbye.  I took him to the vet on Monday where I did indeed, say goodbye.  There was nothing to be done and the vet thinks he maybe had a tumor or a cancer growith either in his face or his stomach since those seemed to be hard areas for him.  He lost 3 lbs. between Friday and Monday and was very, very bony.  I always promised him and myself I'd never let that cat suffer, but I wasn't ready to say goodbye.
I know I haven't finished grieving for him and I haven't fully said goodbye.  On the sixth month date of his passing I was crying at work and yet again searching for acupuncturists when I came across a place I'd never seen before.  Turns out they specialize in fertility. They also knew my RE and my RE was having a free seminar at the acu clinic.  I visited the clinic and started treatment and attended the seminar.  I love that place and I know that Chase somehow guided me there.  I have done searches for acupuncturists for about two months prior to suddenly seeing this clinic that I had never seen before.
Again, I know this is crazy and I know no one reading this would truly get the essence of my Chase, but it has meaning to me and makes sense to me.  I miss him more than anything.