Thursday, July 26, 2012

Feeling down

I feel really bad.  I kind of started off this blog and I feel it's all pretty negative from the get go.  Had I started this a month ago, maybe even a bit more it would have been pretty much 99.9% positive.  I was very excited about everything, but now I just feel like I've fallen into a real depression and just a real fear of never realizing my dream of being a mom.

I don't necessarily get why I feel this way.  Every single cycle since starting acupuncture, something different has happened.  This is good, it means the acupuncture is effective along with the herbs and supplements and my body is responding.  I have an amazing acupuncturist who makes changes based on the information from my body and it's responding.  Even though I haven't gotten pregnant yet, there's lots of reason to believe I will.

Then there's just the part of me that is so scared of what if this doesn't happen.  What if these changes aren't enough?

Today I'm ovulating and I should be happy and ready for this change.  It's even cycle day 15, the latest I've ever ovulated, which is awesome for me!  but yet I just feel empty inside like it's not going to happen.  I've had a bit of a bummer day.   Started off with work not going real great which reminded me I had applied for a promotional opportunity and apparently wasn't even considered enough for an interview.  I do qualify for this position.  I remember the beginning of summer asking God to please either help me get the job or help me conceive.  Some people thought I should have asked for both, but really just one would have been enough.  It would have given me something while I work towards the other.  Summer is almost over, this cycle should be ending in two weeks which lands me just days before the start of the school year and it looks like I won't get either one.

The girl I posted about before who got her BFP, got more than just "a" BFP.  She got two of them.  She's going to have twins.  Why is it that hearing that someone else conceived makes me think I can't do it?  What bearing does someone else's fertility have on my own?  Nothing.  Her body and my body are not the same and just because she's pregnant with twins doesn't mean I won't get pregnant.  I always think what if I do conceive this cycle?  I'm just going to feel dumb about how I feel now.

I'm upset in general at myself for feeling this low and upset.  I don't get why I feel this way.  I really don't.  I should be happy and excited right now, but I"m not.

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