Thursday, August 30, 2012

3 DPO of my 40 WW

So, today is officially 3 days DPO (days past ovulation).  Usually this is the dreaded part of a woman's cycle, where you wait anxiously and pray to God it all worked out. This is also known as the 2ww (week wait).   For the most part I like this part of my cycle because I get to "take a break".  There's nothing left to do and for most cycle I've felt like I was "out" anyways, so it's more like taking a break until it's time for a new cycle.

However, in keeping with the theme that this is indeed my cycle! I've also decided that this is no longer the 2 week wait.  Nope, instead this is day 3 of my 40 week wait!  So, here is the start!  Not sure at what point I will test and I'm sure as my temps rise and fall I'll have days where I feel less confident than others.  I'm not going to worry about the other days though, just this one.

Sunday, August 26, 2012

11 months today

I can't believe it's truly been 11 months today since I said goodbye to Chase.  I'm not sure if anyone understands what he truly meant to be and how much my soul is missing without him.  I think about him every day.  My FB pic has been his pic since the day we said goodbye along with my desktop photo.  Every day I look for a sign or some meaning that he's there and I know he is.

I know he's very tied to my TTC journey and many think that's a bit crazy and twisted of me, but you have to be me to understand it.  This is something I felt years before TTC, his death, or anything I've been through in the past year.

I found my acu on the sixth month anniversary of his death.  I don't think it's coincidence as I'd done several searches for acu's in the area before.  I just gave it one more effort on that particular day.

Today is my cycle day 18, the same age he would be now if he was still here.  I am ovulating today.  Today is 11 months since we said goodbye.  Deep in my heart I am scared that I'm holding on to too much hope for something that isn't true, but another part of me just knows and remembers that I have to keep the faith.

Above all, what is meant to be, will be.

Friday, August 24, 2012

Looking at the signs..... This HAS to be my cycle!

Today is my cycle day 16!!!!!  Guess what?  I got my +OPK!!  This means I am going to ovulate.  I was feeling hopeful about this cycle from the get go, mostly because the last one was so awful.  I was a bit nervous I'd miss my window with my husband being out of town for a couple of days, but he came back last night and my window opens today (still had fun with the tryst though, LOL!).

However, I'm feeling especially excited more than ever that this really and truly is my cycle.  Why?  Well, because:

1. This is my 6th full acu cycle.  A lot of people believe that this is often the "magic cycle".  Here's hoping!!!!
2. My body waited until my husband was back in town to ovulate.
3. Later ovulation!!
4. CHASE!!!!  What about Chase?  Well, lets consider:
4a. If I conceive this cycle it would be within a year of his death.  My premonition from about five years ago, before I even imagined TTC would take me down this road.
4b. My due date would be May, May was Chase's birth month (May 5th to be exact)
4c. I will most likely ovulate tomorrow, CD 17!  Chase was 17 years old when he passed away.
5. My body has made such great improvement all over!!  I really think it's ready for this amazing gift!!

This might sound a little crazy, but I'll take hope wherever I can find it and why not?  Why wouldn't this be my cycle???  

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

In the name of TTC

So, most of TTC when you have fertility issues just plain and simple SUCKS!!!  You are either waiting to ovulate, waiting for AF, praying for some kind of miracle.  Looking for signs from everywhere that it's meant to be this time.  Telling yourself why x month is "really" the best month to have a baby, etc.

However, if you find a bright spot somewhere, you just go for it and enjoy it.  I got a bright spot yesterday.  My husband was leaving town for his job before I got home from work yesterday and not to arrive back until very late Thursday night.  So this leaves Tues and Wed where we couldn't "try" and I'm approaching my fertile period.  In fact, today is day 14 of my cycle. So......  this is what we did.

My husband mostly works from home since his job is really in another city.  I picked up a sandwich for him for lunch, snuck away from my job, and met him at home for a little rendezvous, and ran back to work.  It was a bit of thrill to sneak away and have a quickie like that and we were both quite into it.  Of course now my OPK is still negative, so I may not ovulate for a few days, but ovulation can sometimes sneak up on you, so better safe than sorry.  :-)

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

My house is too clean and too quiet

So, I had an incredible weekend.  I loved having my friends over, David gets along great with the husband and I love the wife.  They brought their two awesome children, a 6 yr old boy and  2.5 year old girl.  I couldn't believe how much a child can do at 2.5 years!!  She was talking non-stop, going up and down stairs, fully potty trained, eating with utensils, drinking from a cup....  The list goes on.  I loved having the kids at the house!  On Friday we hung around the house and BBQ'd and had a blast!  I have toys and stuff at my house for kids friend's so they were coloring and doing puzzles on Friday.

Saturday we went to the beach.  It was awesome!!!!  We packed a cooler full of stuff and just a blast.  We spent all day out on the beach going in the water and having snacks.  The kids were digging in the sand with shovels and boogy boarding.  Both kids can swim, but the little one had on her floaties and I took her out into the water and we would jump when the waves came and she would squeel and laugh.  It was just pure magic.  We ate out that night and come home pretty late and crashed.

Sunday morning the parents were sleeping in and the little girl came into the living room and started asking me so many questions, what's this, why?, what is that?, just everything.  Her mom yells down at me, she's not bugging you, is she?  I'm like, definitely not!  I love it!  I loved answering all the questions, and I gave her juice and she watched some cartoons while I made breakfast.  Then we headed out to the space center and had a blast there.  Then they had to leave to go back home.  It was hard to say goodbye, but I was pretty tired and so came home and relaxed and went to bed.

Then Monday I had off from work, since the district starts back on Tuesday.  I cleaned the house and was down by lunch and just felt so sad.  I realized my house was nice, clean, and quiet.  Not the way I want my house anymore.  I missed the children something horrible and just want them back.  I was crying and moody for most of the day.  My friend posted all our pics on Facebook and I felt better after seeing them, but that emptiness is in there.

Please, God, please, I want a baby so bad!!  Please promise me it's going to happen. It just has to.  With all my heart and soul I want to be a mom.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Keeping hope alive

Well, here it is.  I know today is probably going to be the last day of my cycle.  Tomorrow could also be it, but probably today.  The last day or so I've been pretty down about everything.  I work in the education system and for summer I had one of two goals, either increase my salary (I did some job searching and applied for a promotion) or conceive.  Summer is over and I didn't do either one.  I'm the kind of person who measures my success in life by achievements and so to me I failed.

I am a member of an amazing thread on babycenter and one of the members helped bring a few things to my attention, first of all, she said that I need to see how much I really did accomplish this summer.  My ovulation date has been extended and my LP has been extended as well.  My body has really made some good progress this summer.  Also, to do something for myself and take care of myself.

Well, yesterday I was going to get ice cream as Baskin Robbins, but my husband was unable to go, so I ended up getting an expensive kindle book for myself to enjoy.  I typically only try to get the dollar or two dollar ones, but I actually got a $12.00 book that I look forward to reading.  I also looked at my past charts and saw really how well my body has done and I am going to be proud of myself.

This chance is gone, I know I'm not pregnant this time.  It's okay and I'm okay.  A new opportunity is going to start for me and maybe I'll have a May baby.  Everyone knows this is probably ideal for anyone in the education system.  Not that I'm planning anything around that, but if it works out that way, then why not?  I have acupuncture tomorrow morning as well and he's going to make some adjustments to my supplements because of the cramping and stuff.

This weekend some very good friends of mine are coming into town and I'm going to enjoy their company.  We are going to the beach on Saturday and then next weekend I plan to go to my favorite piano bar and have a good time.  I am trying very hard to enjoy the life I have now while working on the life I want to have and hopefully I will succeed.

Oh, and May would have also been Chase's birthday, so maybe my new Chase will arrive then as well.  Cycle #18, I am ready for you!

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Yesterday's acu appointment

A little background: I've been doing acupuncture now since early April.  I'm currently on my 5th full acupuncture cycle.  It's pretty much been love at first poke with this guy.  He's just awesome!  He really looks at me the person, not me the infertile.  He's very honest with stuff and from the get go he told me he believed I'm perfectly capable of a natural conception.  I'm extremely data oriented and so is he.  My first full cycle was baseline, with only acu and no other changes.  After his baseline data, he then made recommendations.  I have to admit that each cycle my body has improved.  It started off with my period having better flow and not so dark.  Then moving my ovulation date from around day 10 to around day 14, and then targeting my Luteal Phase.  It was around 10/11 days and it's becoming 11/12.  I'm hoping this cycle it's 12 days again like last cycle.  Well, I'm hoping I'm pregnant, but you know what I mean....

So, this has truly been the most annoying cycle from day 1.  Just been ready for it to be over.  Had acu yesterday and just wasn't feeling it.  He asked me how it was going and I told him I dunno, I'm mad at Fertility Friend once again, because we disagree on my ovulation day.  He kinda laughed and said this happens with me and FF a lot and I said yeah...  He looked at my chart and said he thinks I'm right and the stupid program is wrong.  He asked me some general questions and told me he really sees my body getting pretty regulated.  He said the fact that he had to reduce one of the supplements is showing that my kidney yin is much stronger and in general my body is doing very well.  He says he thinks I'll be preggers soon, maybe even this cycle.  He was very impressed when I layed on the table and he felt my uterus.  He said it was very warm and that he really thinks I'm going to conceive son.  I'm kinda like yeah, yeah...  He told me lots of stories of women who came to his clinic and got their BFPs.  He said it just takes time for the body to correct itself sometimes.

I must say that every cycle good or bad, my body has truly improved in some way. I could understand being more frustrated if "nothing was changing", but something is.  I felt so much better after the acu and then I thought about what he said about my body and I'm really glad my body is getting more regulated.  I really am.  I hope my baby is on his or her way.

Oh, and get this, I put in my temp this morning and the stupid program moved my O date to where I thought it was.  So, this is the very latest I have ever ovulated, DAY 16!!  OMG!!!  I really ovulated on day 16!!  Maybe my body really is getting ready.  Maybe I'll even be pregnant this time, if not, then maybe next time.  My favorite story was the one lady who had the worst cycle ever, even he was stumped at how backwards it was.  Well he said sometimes even when things look like they are going backwards you have to give your body some time to work itself out because the cycle after that was her BFP.

So, feeling better today and I guess we'll see what happens....  Oh, and today I'm 5 days past ovulation. My period is due around August 9th.  We'll see what happens...