Sunday, September 30, 2012

Been a little while...

It's been a little while since I updated.  Some of it is because I have been very busy with the whole job thing and being very tired from all the emotions dealing with it.  Some of it is also because there isn't that much going on.  I'm 10 DPO, of course, another BFN.

Wednesday marked the one year mark since I lost Chase.  I grieved a lot that day and thought of him.  I had a locket made with his fur on the inside and his photo laser engraved on the outside.  The back has his name, dates he lived, and then Forever in my Heart.  That was also the day I took paperwork to HR for the new job and officially submitted my resignation with the school district.  The school district has been really amazing and even told me I am welcome back should this new venture not work out.  Good to know.  I'm going to miss my coworkers so much and this is going to be my last week there, so I'm expecting another emotional week.  Maybe AF coming won't be so bad.  Got a little pissed when going through insurance stuff praying IF treatment is covered, but instead finding that it isn't, but getting sterilized is.  Pfft!

Anyways, I am debating where to go next.  Yes my body is improving, but I've now had 24 acupuncture sessions, so 6 months of treatments, and 7 cycles, and no baby.  My body has gone from low temps all around, early ovulation, and short LP, so more stable temps, nice rise to the LP, longer LP, and later O date.  My nightsweats are gone.  I know my skin and stuff looks better because I've gotten compliments on my appearance even though I weigh the same.

Do I continue with acupuncture for a little while longer?  Do I start looking at doing other stuff?  A lot of it is money.  This new job I will earn more, but it will take a little bit to earn enough money to start treatments.

Friday, September 21, 2012

Onto the 2ww

Well, here I am, 1 DPO!!  This cycle has been most unusual and I think in a good way.  After AF came and I was so down I could hardly pick myself up or do much with TTC, just odd that the day I decide to OPK test it happened to be +, then O the next day, then boom, huge surge and 1 DPO!  I am so happy!  I will take my temp one more day just to confirm, but then pretty much done.  My acu wanted me to do a day or two during my LP for comparison sake, but take a break from it, so I will test tomorrow.  Test Tuesday since I have acu and then maybe a week from today or tomorrow and that's it.

In other big changes, it looks like I'll be starting a new job soon.  I got the job offer today, I'm going to talk to my boss and put in my two weeks next week and accept it most likely.  I can't believe it.  This will be my first job ever outside of the school district.  I am nervous/excited/scared all at the same time.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Ask and you shall receive?

Go figure the day after posting this I unexpectedly get a +OPK.  It's "game on".

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Yoyo continues.....

Sigh...  I was doing okay most of the weekend and then yesterday and today depression again.  I'm only CD 11 and ready for this round to be over too.

Dear God,

I want a baby so bad it hurts and I can't make it stop.  Please, please, let me conceive.


Some days, I swear, I just can't do this anymore.  All I feel right now is pain and numbness.

Friday, September 14, 2012

Lunch with a friend

I met a co-worker who's become a good friend of mine for lunch today and I think it was the best thing for me.  We had a very long talk about fertility stuff (after bitching about work, LOL) and I think I really do feel ready to pick and go again.

Her story is she TTC for 7 years.  She had severe endo and just couldn't conceive.  They did everything, including IVF.  It took her 3 IVF's ontop of IUI's, trigger, surgeries, everything to get her baby girl. She even lost one ovary through it all.  Not only that, but that third IVF resulted in twins, and she lost one and delivered one baby girl, who's now 14 years old.  She went on to have 2 more kids with Clomid alone.  Her youngest is now 8.  I can't imagine the pain she must've gone through at a time where there really weren't any online support groups, forum, threads, or anything.  She did tell me that when her 2nd IVF failed and she hit rock bottom, she did call Resolve and was able to talk to someone who helped her.

Seeing that she's a mom to 3 wonderful kids after all that she went through and just hearing about how she felt during everything made me feel better because I realized that everything that's happening is "normal" in the world of infertility.  I just didn't feel so alone or so weird or incapable.  Instead I felt like yes, this is exactly how I feel and it's okay.  I guess it's the first time I truly let myself feel okay for feeling the way I do and how horrible the process is.  She did tell me though, that she'd go through infertility all over again just to get the 3 amazing kids she has now and I had to smile.

She told me she wishes acupuncture had been available for her.  Neither one of us knows if it would have helped her, but it would have maybe reduced the amount of meds she had to take.  She said it was the fertility drugs and everything that led to her having to lose an ovary in the process and also she had to have a hysterectomy after her 3rd child was born.

I am lucky because I have people I can talk to, a husband who understands, and so many resources and information.  I am lucky because there are people who read this blog who care about me.  I've had PM's from people on BBC I had no idea were even reading my blog to let me know they are rooting for me.

I was telling her about the progress I've made with acupuncture and she told me that even though last cycle went great, it could be that I'm 90% there, am I really going to give up on the last 10% to go after all I've worked for?  Of course there's no way to know how close I am unless I complete the journey and I really am ready to move forward.

I'm still not like I was last cycle.  This is going to be more of a break for me.  I haven't temped since CD 1 and I will start when my OPKs get darker, but not record anything until I get a +OPK, so I will only take my temp for a couple of days.  After my temp shows ovulation I'm going to quit and only take it twice during my LP for comparison reasons and then just wait for AF to show.  We'll see how I feel after that.  One cycle at a time and I'm currently on this one.

I do feel like I've messed up already though.  I'm only supposed to have one caffeine a day and I've been quite guilty of my morning coffee and then a pumpkin spice latte mid-morning or mid-day.  I typically reserve them for Friday's and so I'm going to get better about the caffeine.  I hope I didn't ruin a whole cycle over it, but what's done is done.

I think it's going to be a roller coaster of emotions for me this cycle as I get closer and closer to 9/26, the one year anniversary of losing Chase, but some day (maybe soon) this ride will end with a baby.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Stuck

So, since my last cycle failed I have been feeling horribly sad and depressed.  I've been riddles with guilt and self-hatred and while I thought I was ready to move on the night of my acu appt., I am not ready to move on, I still feel bad on the inside.

There's multiple emotions going on:
1.  The first one is I am so ashamed of getting everyone's hopes up just to fail again.  I just feel like I let a lot of people down.

2.  I am also just so mad at my body and myself for not making this happen.  Even though I couldn't control more than what I already did, I somehow feel like I'm the one who failed and at this point I don't even feel like my husband deserves me.  I'm dealing with a lot of self-hatred and loathing right now.

3. The rest of it has to do with this month.  This month a year ago was one of the worst months I ever had and every single day this month I keep replaying last September, starting with 9/1, the day I took my board certification for behavior.  I was only a few cycles into TTC, so I was still hopeful and planning good things.  Well, I was late due to traffic (accident on the way), then in the middle of my exam, AF showed, I had cramps, I was already scared of the test, it was horrible.  There was only a 46% pass rate for that administration and I ended up coming up only a few points shy of passing it.  I spent two years in graduate school preparing for this test (I did pass the second administration in 1/2012).  It's also the month I lost Chase.  I keep remember how thin and weak he had gotten.  Since CD 1 was 9/1 in 2011, I saw my OB for the first time because I'd been charting a few cycles and wasn't sure I was ovulating.  I ended up getting a progesterone test and my chart was completely anavulatory that cycle, so this is also the month I finally realized something might be wrong and started my first round of Clomid.

I think it's more than I was very hopeful last cycle and I failed, I think it's everything combined, but mostly it's replaying Sept 2011 and all the emotion that went with it compounded by the failures this time.  I'm not even sure I want to move on, right now I feel like I deserve to feel this way for failing.

I'd never in my life tell this to another person, but yet I tell myself that.  I don't know how to move forward or what to do.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Reset

Since CD 1 I've had a very hard time.  I've been trying to put my energy into supporting some awesome ladies who are about to get their BFPs and trying to ignore myself and not validate or acknowledge my hurt. This is for a few reasons, first of all, these awesome ladies were very encouraging and supportive towards my last cycle even though a lot of them were in a tough place while I was full of hope and I also didn't feel I deserved any kind of kindness, support, or acknowledgement of my pain because I had failed.  Pretty much I was punishing myself for failing to conceive.  It's amazing how badly you can treat yourself when going through something and the mean things you tell yourself that you would never, ever tell anyone else in a million years and would be horrified at the thought of someone doing it.  Yet, here I was doing it to myself.

So today I had my acu appt. I was really ready to skip it.  I felt ashamed to see him, actually.  I felt like I failed him too.  He was also hopeful and looking forward to good news and it was another person I had to disappoint.  It's funny how the thing we don't want to do is often the very thing we need to do.  I went to my session because I told him I would and first thing he asked was how I was doing and he meant emotionally.  He told me that my body has really gotten so much better, but maybe it just wasn't quite there last time.  We looked at my chart and we did agree that no changes were needed for this time.  Everything was spot on with temps, ovulation, luteal phase, etc.  So we're going to continue the same cocktail and he maybe this will be it.  The one change is charting.  He did say that this time I can skip charting except for when I get a +OPK up until 1 or 2 DPO and then stop.  He also said maybe one or two temps during my LP just to compare the temps if we need to, but otherwise no temping.  I felt so relaxed when I was laying on the table and realized how badly I needed this session.  I just felt very peaceful and he even gave me a hug when we were done and told me that I'm almost there.  It was just a really, really great session.  On the drive home I knew that I was reset and ready to start again.

He told me to continue to stay hopeful.  For me not to let that go, but also to just accept that it's okay if it doesn't happen because my body is working itself out and I am that much closer to it.  This could be the cycle, who knows....


Saturday, September 8, 2012

Moving on

So, I emailed my acupuncturist this morning to let him know the update. I'm going to post my email and then his response, which made me cry, but made me feel better as well. I swear this guy is like an angel sent from above sometimes.

My email: Just wanted to let you know that unfortunately this was not my cycle. I really and truly thought it was going to be, but I tested negative on my test on Thursday, had a steep temp dip yesterday, and CD 1 is today, after an 11 day LP. I have no idea what to do or where to go from here. Not sure if you want me back on the FP powder (still have some), take nothing other than the supplements, if you still want to continue treatment, etc.

His response: I am certainly not giving up on you. I will continue working with you until you feel like it's time to move on.

I know you're disappointed because you had attached a lot of meaning to the year mark since your cat passed away. As humans we don't always get our timetables right, so I encourage you not to be hard on yourself for guessing incorrectly. The fact that you didn't meet your deadline does not negate the progress you're making.

Keep your next appointment and we'll discuss where you want to go from here. I can only speak from my experience that I have seen many amazing cases of triumph over this challenge. However it does take a toll and if you need to just take a break I wouldn't be surprised.

See you this coming week. We'll talk then. Of course you are welcome to email as always in the meantime.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

While I've mentioned the Chase story to him, I figure most people think it's stupid and so I didn't elaborate too much on it. I more mentioned it in passing, but apparently he really took note of it. I had a long discussion with my husband this morning and we can't deny the progress seen in my body since I began acupuncture. It is really and truly amazing. My husband has full faith in this guy (especially since seeing him for anxiety and the treatment is proving amazing with regards to that), and says that he wants me to continue on this course until my acu says enough is enough. My acu does work with the fertility clinic was first tested at, so it's not like he's above recommending western medicine, but he truly believes I don't need it (at least not right now) and so I'm going to go with that. Maybe continue with this path until the end of 2012 and go from there.

Emotionally I'm okay today. I'm sad about what could have been, but still hopeful for what might be. I'm a thread with the most amazing ladies ever and I decided that instead of spending energy on myself and my sorrow, I'm going to pick myself up and spend my energy rooting for them and their BFP's. They are all on a great path right now and I know they will flood the thread soon with their happy news.

The dreaded CD 1

Well, it's here.  The dreaded cycle day 1.  That's right, last cycle was all for nothing.  I don't even know how to feel right now.  I think I'm just numb and scared.

There's the good side: I had a perfect cycle, wouldn't change a thing about it, it just wasn't one that ended in a pregnancy, but I wasn't in pain the whole time, my O date was fab, just everything went along as smooth as pie.

Then there's the scary side: If an absolutely perfect cycle didn't work, then is there really a chance for me?  I know a health normal couple only has so much chance, yada, yada, yada.  This sucker was timed to perfection, it should have happened and it didn't.

In general I am bitter, sad, and hurt.  I remember my premonition clear as anything.  Sitting in the car on my way to see my sister and just a feeling out of nowhere, I would love my cat within a year of conception.  I had always had it in my mind Chase would die after the baby was born, but instead that's not what happened.  The 26th of Sept will be one year and I have to face the fact that he's gone and that I don't even know if the chance exists for me to be a mother or not, at least not without medication and maybe not without IVF.

I am not a religious person, but I have always been spiritual.  A lot of my life has been based on signs of meant to be vs. not meant to be.  I ended up with my husband that way and I believed in this too, but it's not going to happen and it isn't meant to bed.

I have no idea what to do now or where to go from here.  My acu wanted to know either way, so I'll email him and let him know.  I want to cancel my appointment and just hide from the world, but I can't.  I have a couple of sessions left with him, so I guess I'll finish it out and then I just don't know from there.  Is it time to look at adoption?  I'll be honest, the idea of adoption is awesome.  Take someone without a home and give them one.  I could love any child, I know this.  However, there's two factors holding me back (well two main ones).  As selfish as this sounds I want to experience pregnancy.  I want to see the positive pregnancy test, the ultrasounds, the gender party, making the announcement, watching my belly grow, experience labor, and watching my husband hold our baby for the first time. I want it so much it hurts.  I would lose all that with adoption and instead gain a child that someone else go to do that with and probably never appreciated it.  The second one is also selfish, I don't want to share my baby.  I want my own.  I don't want to think of "the other mother" and either have her a part of my daily life due to an open adoption, or have my child search later and maybe connect with her and I'd lose my child.  I know those are both very selfish reasons, but there they are.

Everything in my heart and my soul just hurts right now and I'm confused.  This is coupled with a week where my DH's boss buttered him up about a promotion and then chose another guy, plus an extremely tough work week.

Thursday, September 6, 2012

10 DPO and feeling stupid

So, today I am 10 DPO.  This will probably be my last blog update until AF comes.  She is due on Sunday. My chart looks okay, could really go either way and I was feeling pretty antsy this morning, so I decided to test.  Well, that was a big fat failure, is what that ended up being.

I know 10 DPO is still "early".  I mean this is 3 days before AF is due and according to FF and everything else, you should wait until period is due to test, but so many people you see their BFPs early.  I know it's not everyone, but I'm just feeling the fool for being so excited and so hopeful.

Anyways, praying for a miracle.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

8 DPO

My temp took a dive again yesterday and today it's not much higher.  It's still above coverline, just very close to it and that makes me a bit nervous.  However, today I scrolled through FF charts to find ones similar to mine that did end up in BFPs and to be honest I saw charts scarier than mine that ended in pregnancy.

I guess now at 8 DPO I'm just scared of what if I'm not.  I'm telling myself my story though, that everything about this cycle has been great and there's no reason for me not to be pregnant.  My body is ready, my body knows what it's doing, and it's doing it right now.

Luckily I do have acupuncture this evening so that should help me relax while I wait out the rest of the time.  Funny, there was a time I would have been dying to POAS (pee on a stick) and would be doing every single day right about now.  I certainly have plenty of pregnancy tests.  However, I'm just scared at the thought of testing and seeing that white space.

Okay, I'm telling myself scary stories and there's no need to.  The story is this, I've had a great cycle, my baby is implanting himself/herself in my cushy lining, and in a few days I'll find out that I'm pregnant.  This will be a sticky pregnancy too.  This is my story.

Speaking of, I'd like to get my acu's office a gift basket when I get my BFP.  Debating doing it after my BFP or after my first trimester, but either way I'd like to get them something for being so amazing.  Any ideas?

Sunday, September 2, 2012

6 DPO today

So, another one of those, is this a sign type posts.  Yesterday I had a temp dip.  I told myself it didn't bother me.  I was only 5 DPO, temps do go up and down, it was still above coverline, and besides, I'm working on a baby here, not a temperature.  However, I was in a bad mood for most of the day, snapping at my poor husband and just feeling blah.  My back was hurting, just in general my body was off kilter.  I actually allowed the thought of "what if this isn't it?" to enter my head.  I don't want to believe that this couldn't be it.  To be honest after posting it here, my favorite thread on BBC, and telling only a couple of very close people to me, plus DH, I'd feel like a liar ontop of the disappointment of not being preg.

My acupuncturist always says to tell yourself the story.  He starts every session with "What's the story" and he's very big on you telling yourself good stories rather than scary stories.  My good story is my BFP this cycle!  How absolutely perfect!!  I'll have a May baby, I can announce it around Christmas or Thanksgiving, (after my 12 weeks), everything will go great.  The scary story is, of course, no pregnancy.  I don't know so ti's worth believing the good story, also I actually really do believe the good story is more likely this time.  My body has honestly improved SO MUCH in the past 6 acu cycles.  I am not kidding, every single cycle, something got better.  Even on a "horrible" cycle, something improved.  My body is strong and ready, my ovulation date later than ever, my temps have been amazing. No reason to believe this won't be my time.

However, there I am yesterday with little doubts creeping into my mind as I try to shake them off.  Then, mid-day, a FB friend of mine, who's been on my friends list for a couple of months, out of no where likes and comments on a picture of Chase.  Just like that.  Now, it's my profile pic, but it's been my profile pic for almost 6 months and not many likes on it or comments.  All of a sudden I had a quite a few likes on his picture and a couple of comments.  Just happened to have been yesterday when I was feeling the way I was.

I know I can turn anything into a sign, but I still think that's kind of amazing.  Needless to say I felt a lot better after that.  Chase is with me and it's going to work out and it's going to be okay.  Oh, and today?  My temp was higher than ever :-). 6 DPO today and counting.....  A lot of people start testing around 9 DPO, which would be Wednesday for me, but I dunno yet.  The thought of testing scares me.