I met a co-worker who's become a good friend of mine for lunch today and I think it was the best thing for me. We had a very long talk about fertility stuff (after bitching about work, LOL) and I think I really do feel ready to pick and go again.
Her story is she TTC for 7 years. She had severe endo and just couldn't conceive. They did everything, including IVF. It took her 3 IVF's ontop of IUI's, trigger, surgeries, everything to get her baby girl. She even lost one ovary through it all. Not only that, but that third IVF resulted in twins, and she lost one and delivered one baby girl, who's now 14 years old. She went on to have 2 more kids with Clomid alone. Her youngest is now 8. I can't imagine the pain she must've gone through at a time where there really weren't any online support groups, forum, threads, or anything. She did tell me that when her 2nd IVF failed and she hit rock bottom, she did call Resolve and was able to talk to someone who helped her.
Seeing that she's a mom to 3 wonderful kids after all that she went through and just hearing about how she felt during everything made me feel better because I realized that everything that's happening is "normal" in the world of infertility. I just didn't feel so alone or so weird or incapable. Instead I felt like yes, this is exactly how I feel and it's okay. I guess it's the first time I truly let myself feel okay for feeling the way I do and how horrible the process is. She did tell me though, that she'd go through infertility all over again just to get the 3 amazing kids she has now and I had to smile.
She told me she wishes acupuncture had been available for her. Neither one of us knows if it would have helped her, but it would have maybe reduced the amount of meds she had to take. She said it was the fertility drugs and everything that led to her having to lose an ovary in the process and also she had to have a hysterectomy after her 3rd child was born.
I am lucky because I have people I can talk to, a husband who understands, and so many resources and information. I am lucky because there are people who read this blog who care about me. I've had PM's from people on BBC I had no idea were even reading my blog to let me know they are rooting for me.
I was telling her about the progress I've made with acupuncture and she told me that even though last cycle went great, it could be that I'm 90% there, am I really going to give up on the last 10% to go after all I've worked for? Of course there's no way to know how close I am unless I complete the journey and I really am ready to move forward.
I'm still not like I was last cycle. This is going to be more of a break for me. I haven't temped since CD 1 and I will start when my OPKs get darker, but not record anything until I get a +OPK, so I will only take my temp for a couple of days. After my temp shows ovulation I'm going to quit and only take it twice during my LP for comparison reasons and then just wait for AF to show. We'll see how I feel after that. One cycle at a time and I'm currently on this one.
I do feel like I've messed up already though. I'm only supposed to have one caffeine a day and I've been quite guilty of my morning coffee and then a pumpkin spice latte mid-morning or mid-day. I typically reserve them for Friday's and so I'm going to get better about the caffeine. I hope I didn't ruin a whole cycle over it, but what's done is done.
I think it's going to be a roller coaster of emotions for me this cycle as I get closer and closer to 9/26, the one year anniversary of losing Chase, but some day (maybe soon) this ride will end with a baby.