Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Reset

Since CD 1 I've had a very hard time.  I've been trying to put my energy into supporting some awesome ladies who are about to get their BFPs and trying to ignore myself and not validate or acknowledge my hurt. This is for a few reasons, first of all, these awesome ladies were very encouraging and supportive towards my last cycle even though a lot of them were in a tough place while I was full of hope and I also didn't feel I deserved any kind of kindness, support, or acknowledgement of my pain because I had failed.  Pretty much I was punishing myself for failing to conceive.  It's amazing how badly you can treat yourself when going through something and the mean things you tell yourself that you would never, ever tell anyone else in a million years and would be horrified at the thought of someone doing it.  Yet, here I was doing it to myself.

So today I had my acu appt. I was really ready to skip it.  I felt ashamed to see him, actually.  I felt like I failed him too.  He was also hopeful and looking forward to good news and it was another person I had to disappoint.  It's funny how the thing we don't want to do is often the very thing we need to do.  I went to my session because I told him I would and first thing he asked was how I was doing and he meant emotionally.  He told me that my body has really gotten so much better, but maybe it just wasn't quite there last time.  We looked at my chart and we did agree that no changes were needed for this time.  Everything was spot on with temps, ovulation, luteal phase, etc.  So we're going to continue the same cocktail and he maybe this will be it.  The one change is charting.  He did say that this time I can skip charting except for when I get a +OPK up until 1 or 2 DPO and then stop.  He also said maybe one or two temps during my LP just to compare the temps if we need to, but otherwise no temping.  I felt so relaxed when I was laying on the table and realized how badly I needed this session.  I just felt very peaceful and he even gave me a hug when we were done and told me that I'm almost there.  It was just a really, really great session.  On the drive home I knew that I was reset and ready to start again.

He told me to continue to stay hopeful.  For me not to let that go, but also to just accept that it's okay if it doesn't happen because my body is working itself out and I am that much closer to it.  This could be the cycle, who knows....


1 comment:

  1. Sounds like you have found the perfect recipe for a perfect cycle, and it's only a matter of time before it sticks for you. I think you are going to love the break from temping every day of your cycle, and it will allow you to focus on the possibilities rather than worries about temperature fluctuations. I'm excited for you and this fresh new cycle! I'm routing for you as always!!

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