So, since my last cycle failed I have been feeling horribly sad and depressed. I've been riddles with guilt and self-hatred and while I thought I was ready to move on the night of my acu appt., I am not ready to move on, I still feel bad on the inside.
There's multiple emotions going on:
1. The first one is I am so ashamed of getting everyone's hopes up just to fail again. I just feel like I let a lot of people down.
2. I am also just so mad at my body and myself for not making this happen. Even though I couldn't control more than what I already did, I somehow feel like I'm the one who failed and at this point I don't even feel like my husband deserves me. I'm dealing with a lot of self-hatred and loathing right now.
3. The rest of it has to do with this month. This month a year ago was one of the worst months I ever had and every single day this month I keep replaying last September, starting with 9/1, the day I took my board certification for behavior. I was only a few cycles into TTC, so I was still hopeful and planning good things. Well, I was late due to traffic (accident on the way), then in the middle of my exam, AF showed, I had cramps, I was already scared of the test, it was horrible. There was only a 46% pass rate for that administration and I ended up coming up only a few points shy of passing it. I spent two years in graduate school preparing for this test (I did pass the second administration in 1/2012). It's also the month I lost Chase. I keep remember how thin and weak he had gotten. Since CD 1 was 9/1 in 2011, I saw my OB for the first time because I'd been charting a few cycles and wasn't sure I was ovulating. I ended up getting a progesterone test and my chart was completely anavulatory that cycle, so this is also the month I finally realized something might be wrong and started my first round of Clomid.
I think it's more than I was very hopeful last cycle and I failed, I think it's everything combined, but mostly it's replaying Sept 2011 and all the emotion that went with it compounded by the failures this time. I'm not even sure I want to move on, right now I feel like I deserve to feel this way for failing.
I'd never in my life tell this to another person, but yet I tell myself that. I don't know how to move forward or what to do.