Thursday, September 13, 2012

Stuck

So, since my last cycle failed I have been feeling horribly sad and depressed.  I've been riddles with guilt and self-hatred and while I thought I was ready to move on the night of my acu appt., I am not ready to move on, I still feel bad on the inside.

There's multiple emotions going on:
1.  The first one is I am so ashamed of getting everyone's hopes up just to fail again.  I just feel like I let a lot of people down.

2.  I am also just so mad at my body and myself for not making this happen.  Even though I couldn't control more than what I already did, I somehow feel like I'm the one who failed and at this point I don't even feel like my husband deserves me.  I'm dealing with a lot of self-hatred and loathing right now.

3. The rest of it has to do with this month.  This month a year ago was one of the worst months I ever had and every single day this month I keep replaying last September, starting with 9/1, the day I took my board certification for behavior.  I was only a few cycles into TTC, so I was still hopeful and planning good things.  Well, I was late due to traffic (accident on the way), then in the middle of my exam, AF showed, I had cramps, I was already scared of the test, it was horrible.  There was only a 46% pass rate for that administration and I ended up coming up only a few points shy of passing it.  I spent two years in graduate school preparing for this test (I did pass the second administration in 1/2012).  It's also the month I lost Chase.  I keep remember how thin and weak he had gotten.  Since CD 1 was 9/1 in 2011, I saw my OB for the first time because I'd been charting a few cycles and wasn't sure I was ovulating.  I ended up getting a progesterone test and my chart was completely anavulatory that cycle, so this is also the month I finally realized something might be wrong and started my first round of Clomid.

I think it's more than I was very hopeful last cycle and I failed, I think it's everything combined, but mostly it's replaying Sept 2011 and all the emotion that went with it compounded by the failures this time.  I'm not even sure I want to move on, right now I feel like I deserve to feel this way for failing.

I'd never in my life tell this to another person, but yet I tell myself that.  I don't know how to move forward or what to do.

2 comments:

  1. Your recent posts have made my heart ache for you. I'm so sorry this journey has you feeling so low. I know what it's like to feel stuck in those awful thoughts. Have you considered fertility counseling to help talk through your frustrations and the loss that you've felt over Chase? Hang in there. I know it's hard. I can only hope that one day we'll our blogs will be about bouncing, happy babies, instead of all of this sadness. Big hug.

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  2. I can relate to feeling like you've let others down, but please try not to think that! For those of us rooting you on, you could never fail. You've done just the opposite, actually. You have been so incredibly strong in your own journey and in your support of ours. You wouldn't ever be disappointed in any of us for not getting our BFPs, would you? I don't think you would. I know it's a hard road to walk over and over again, but imagine that your body is learning every month how to better read the signs to get you to your destination. I really believe it is. I'll be praying for lots of peace for you. Please know how proud we are of you and how awesome we know you are!

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