Saturday, September 8, 2012

The dreaded CD 1

Well, it's here.  The dreaded cycle day 1.  That's right, last cycle was all for nothing.  I don't even know how to feel right now.  I think I'm just numb and scared.

There's the good side: I had a perfect cycle, wouldn't change a thing about it, it just wasn't one that ended in a pregnancy, but I wasn't in pain the whole time, my O date was fab, just everything went along as smooth as pie.

Then there's the scary side: If an absolutely perfect cycle didn't work, then is there really a chance for me?  I know a health normal couple only has so much chance, yada, yada, yada.  This sucker was timed to perfection, it should have happened and it didn't.

In general I am bitter, sad, and hurt.  I remember my premonition clear as anything.  Sitting in the car on my way to see my sister and just a feeling out of nowhere, I would love my cat within a year of conception.  I had always had it in my mind Chase would die after the baby was born, but instead that's not what happened.  The 26th of Sept will be one year and I have to face the fact that he's gone and that I don't even know if the chance exists for me to be a mother or not, at least not without medication and maybe not without IVF.

I am not a religious person, but I have always been spiritual.  A lot of my life has been based on signs of meant to be vs. not meant to be.  I ended up with my husband that way and I believed in this too, but it's not going to happen and it isn't meant to bed.

I have no idea what to do now or where to go from here.  My acu wanted to know either way, so I'll email him and let him know.  I want to cancel my appointment and just hide from the world, but I can't.  I have a couple of sessions left with him, so I guess I'll finish it out and then I just don't know from there.  Is it time to look at adoption?  I'll be honest, the idea of adoption is awesome.  Take someone without a home and give them one.  I could love any child, I know this.  However, there's two factors holding me back (well two main ones).  As selfish as this sounds I want to experience pregnancy.  I want to see the positive pregnancy test, the ultrasounds, the gender party, making the announcement, watching my belly grow, experience labor, and watching my husband hold our baby for the first time. I want it so much it hurts.  I would lose all that with adoption and instead gain a child that someone else go to do that with and probably never appreciated it.  The second one is also selfish, I don't want to share my baby.  I want my own.  I don't want to think of "the other mother" and either have her a part of my daily life due to an open adoption, or have my child search later and maybe connect with her and I'd lose my child.  I know those are both very selfish reasons, but there they are.

Everything in my heart and my soul just hurts right now and I'm confused.  This is coupled with a week where my DH's boss buttered him up about a promotion and then chose another guy, plus an extremely tough work week.

4 comments:

  1. Can I give you some hope?
    I have DOR too... basically have the eggs of a 50+ year old.
    I am now pregnant! It took about 7 months, but here I am. Have you tried wheatgrass and royal jelly? I tried it on my BFP cycle. It probably didn't help - I don't know what did, but here I am. I pray the baby sticks. I hope you get that BFP soon! I have hope for you. Don't give up!!!

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  2. Thank you so much for sharing your story!!! My AMH is .24, so about a 48 yr old's so your story def gives me hope! I did take Royal Jelly for a while, but it raised my body temps too much and my acu said it was "cooking" me. I now take CoQ10 and inosotil and that did better for my temps. I haven't tried wheatgrass, though I've thought of it. Which kind did you take if you don't mind me asking? Also, we live in the same city :-) Did you do acupuncture by any chance? Or just the supplements? Hoping the baby continues to stick for you too and congrats on your BFP!

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  3. We live in the same city? Cool!

    I did the powdered wheatgrass I got at Whole Foods. I put it into smoothies... not too bad. I did do acupuncture - ONCE! lol. I loved it and would have kept going if it weren't so expensive. My AMH is .08.

    I have a good feeling girl ... keep doing what you're doing and that BFP will come!

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  4. Yeah, small world, LOL!! I actually live in Spring, but close enough. I've been hearing good things about whole foods, so I might take a trip there and try it out. Not sure where you went to acupuncture at, but I go to the Axelrad Clinic and love it. Your hope, support, and post came at a really great time for me and I appreciate it so much. You give me hope and maybe it wasn't a BFP last time, but hopefully soon! Thank you so much!

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