Friday, October 26, 2012

Cycle 21, here you come

Yesterday was just a really bad day.  I was so upset and depressed and just feeling done with TTC.  I had a big, big meltdown when I got home.  I was crying so hard and just so hurt inside.  DH was great, of course, he gave me a huge hug and held me.  Then we talked about where to go next.  We had said before we'd give acu the rest of the year and we really decided we will go ahead and do that.  So, there will be 2 more full cycles in 2012 and then one cycle that will start mid-Dec (prolly start right on my bday, knowing me) and end early January.  So, today I made the call, I went ahead and called the RE and scheduled a consult to discuss options since I have had my ovarian reserve checked 3 times this year and we'll go from there.  My appt is at 4:00 on 1/4/13.  It's a week before AF is due so this gives me time to decide and then proceed.  We are also going to look into adoption in January too as one of out options and see.

I just completed my 8th full acu cycle.  By the time I start any kind of treatments or adoption, I would have had 11 acu cycles.  I think that's sufficient time to give it a try and say that while there have been improvements  there's been no baby and maybe I need more help.  For now I'll continue and maybe a miracle will occur, but I don't believe it.  I believe I'll be sitting in the RE's office on 1/4.  DH is coming with me to the appt so we can decide together where to go next.

After I got done crying, I drank a whole bottle of wine and watched my fave show Big Bang Theory.  I feel sad about where I am in the process right now, but okay.  I have to go to a babyshwoer tomorrow for a very good friend and I'll go to Target in the morning and get the gift and then go and I'll be okay.  Might come home and cry and drink, but for her I'll be okay.  I was spotting this afternoon, so CD 1 will be tomorrow.  This makes it my 21st TTC cycle.  21?!  Am I really here?

I have acu on Tuesday, so I'll probably let him know the plan.  I know what he'll say, your progesterone is low we'll target it, you're almost there, etc.  I love my acu, I really do and I'm glad he's so hopeful, but I just don't see it.

Thursday, October 25, 2012

A New Prayer

So, today is 10 DPO for me.  I lay in bed this morning when the thermometer in my mouth and I already know.  I know my temp will be low.  I know because it always is at this time.  I know because my body is telling me it's going to be, with every symptom and what does hurt vs what doesn't hurt.  I just know in my mind and my heart and I no longer pray for my temp to be high.  No, I lay there praying with all my heart that I can just record the temp and go on with my day.  I pray that it won't kill me this time.  That my heart won't break.  That I can move forward.  The beep goes off, and of course, the temp is low.  I record it.  Note that AF will be here tomorrow or Saturday and get ready for work.  I let DH know when he wakes up and I head off to work.

I cry on my way to work because the prayer didn't work.  I do care and I feel numb.  I want a baby.  I don't get it.  I produced mature eggs, I did ovulate, I did have intercourse.  Why is there no baby????  20 times, and still, no baby.  Will there ever be a baby? 

When I started this journey I started off praying to please be pregnant, please the temp be up.  As cycle after cycle failed, tried Clomid, got tested, and finally diagnosed, I just prayed for it not to hurt so damned bad.  Just prayed for peace and optimism.  I find myself needing to change my prayer once again, I want to pay for God to take the desire for a baby away from my heart.  Is it even possible?  Can I even get the dream out of my heart?  This hurts too bad.

I can see my baby.  He is beautiful and perfect.  He has gorgeous dark brown curly hair.  It's very curly, just like mommy and daddy.  He has blue eyes.  Just the perfect blue, like out in the ocean, very similar to daddy's eyes only a bit darker.  I don't think anyone understands how clearly I see my baby.  I've seen him for years, even before I was ready for him I saw him.  He is everything I could ever want and more.  But is it real?  Did my mind make him up?  Am I ever truly going to have him?  I don't want to want this anymore.  I don't want the pain, the failure.  It hurts.  I am having a hard time picking myself up.  I don't know how long to keep going and at what point do I change my path.  Am I doing the right thing?  Do I move on the medical treatments?  What do I do? 

God, I am begging you to please just take away the pain and the desire.  If I can't have my baby, then make it to where I don't want one.  I have a good marriage, a nice house, and the most incredibly husband.  I have friends, pets, and other family members.  Just make me feel that is enough and that the rest doesn't matter.  Please, I am begging you.  Amen.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Progesterone Results

So, today I am 8 DPO.  I had my progesterone tested yesterday at 7 DPO.  Anyways, my number didn't come back so hot...  It was 8.7 :-(  My acu told me to take some progesterone drops and I got them tonight.  I can't make my appt this week due to the new job, so DH went and got them for me.  I did take them tonight (can I say yuck???).  Anyways....  Is there even a point for me to take it this cycle?  Can I even get a BFP?  Is it too late to work?  Should I just save them for next cycle?

I know in this case it doesn't mean a bad ovulation since my estrogen was 455 at ovulation.  So, what does ti mean?  Where do I stand and what do I do?  Just ugh!!!

On the other hand, an amazing person, Jessica (aka Holistic) got her BFP today!!  I'm super excited for her!!  Yeah!

Saturday, October 20, 2012

A podcast interview with my acu

A quick plug, my DH interviewed my acu for a podcast show that he does.  I'm posting the link in case anyone wants to hear it.  It's fascinating and doesn't just focus on fertility, but eastern medicine in general and the benefits of it.  Also talks about western medicine, I thought it was a great interview.  You can find it for free on itunes, just type in obsidian thoughts and look for eastern medicine.  This podcast is absolutely free.

Friday, October 19, 2012

Two peas

So, apparently when I was describing what O felt like the other day, what I failed to understand is that wasn't one follie I was dealing with.  Apparently an E2 of 495 at your +OPK means I had two mature follies, so I probably released two eggs this cycle.  DH is all excited and already talking names for them.  Meh, I know better.  My acu was really pleased with the number and I'm glad that so far the numbers are looking good.  In the back of my head I keep thinking even if my ovarian reserve doesn't turn out to be affecting me much since the quality is there and clearly there's at least one egg every cycle (I guess sometimes two), then what do I do if I still don't conceive?  I know I'm jumping ahead of the game, but I see a lot of "unexplained" fertility issues.  For now I am explained though and things are looking good.  Getting my progesterone checked Monday at 7 DPO, but since going to an independent lab, it will probably take me a couple of days to get the number.

A few of you asks this in the comments section, but this is the end of her 2ww, this weekend.  So she is hardly pregnant and already posting on FB.  You know how it goes though, everything will be fine and she'll have a beautiful, healthy baby. I'm not jealous of her.  Her life is nothing I want for my own, but I'm envious of the fact that she can conceive and hurt by her lack of support of me and thoughtlessness at the way she told me and even thoughtlessness at the way and time she asked if I'd be Godparent.  I'm sure I'll "get over it", but I'm not there yet.  She hasn't called me back or anything, so hopefully I can keep my distance and avoid talking to her for a while.  No idea on if I'm going to be Godparent or not.  Maybe it's time to just cut this friendship.  I dunno.

So, I started a new job and yesterday was my first day out of orientation and meeting the group of people I'd be working with.  I was introduced to the group and then a weird thing happened.  It was at a large meeting, so after I was introuduced we were let out for a break.  A woman comes up to me and says "you're not pregnant, are you?"  I'm like, "um, what?"  She tells me that the last two BCBAs (that's my position, I'm a board certified behavior analyst) quit because they got pregnant and had their babies and wanted to be home with them and she wanted to make sure I'd be around for a while and wasn't pregnant.  I told her that I have no plans to quit.  Little does she know she struck the goldpot with the BCBA that can't conceive.  Anyways, that was really random.

I have to thank you all so much!!  I was so hurt yesterday and I still am, but a bit better.  I've been pretty down since yesterday morning and I'm in that throw in the towel mode.  I don't mind it when it happens now since AF is due in a week and then another two until O time, so I have 3 weeks to get over it, which I'm sure I will.  Anyways, I don't think you guys know how much your comments meant to me.  You guys really care and for those of you along in the 2ww with me, I'm keeping everything crossed for you that when I visit your blog I see  a nice, blaring BFP!  I'm talking, I want to see the pic of the stick!  *hugs*  Thank you all!

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

1 DPO today

So, with my nice temp rise, I am officially 1 DPO and on my 2WW!  Yay, this means that after I take just a couple more temps I'm done for this cycle.  Next Monday I'll go get my progesterone tested (super curious on it) and then that's it.  AF should be here Oct 28th, or thereabouts.  Hoping for a longer LP this time, especially having started the vitex.  

So, on my nice, long drive to work this morning, I spotted this car in front of me. I was so excited I had to snap a pic.  I'm sure it's more of a coincidence than a sign, but why play like it is for fun?

Sunday, October 14, 2012

The princess and the pea

So, I am pretty sure I am Oing.  Not sure what time it started, but my left ovary has been hurting all day.  O can also take 24 hours.  Depending on tomorrow's temp I may or may not BD tomorrow night, but I'm pretty sure it will be past my window.  Going to do it anyways just to make sure though, if my temp is low tomorrow.

DH actually "jumped me" in the middle of the night, LOL!  So BD got taken care of pretty early in the day.  So, if O is today, then I got two BD sessions in (Friday and then 4:30 this morning), if O is tomorrow, then those plus tomorrow night.  So, we'll see what happens.

Not every woman feels O pain and DH was asking me about it this morning and what it felt like.  He was like isn't it microscopic?  How do you feel it.  So I started thinking about how to explain it and finally remembered the story of The Princess and the Pea.  That's exactly how it feels.  Even though it's so tiny it feels like a stone is lodged in there.  Sometimes I can feel it burst through as well.  Not the actual moment it bursts, but kinda like your throat hurts if something gets stuck even if it's no longer stuck.  It's not horrible or anything like that, just more annoying, but at least I do know that I am oing, so glad for that confirmation.

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Here we go again...

First off, thank you everyone for your extreme support in my last blog.  I was just really upset and a little irrational, mostly I was just very tired and stressed and so I went a little bit nuts.  I didn't speak to DH for about 24 hours (this is RARE of me, I'm not really one of "those" girls.  DH and I typically solve it, but I can't even describe how exhausted and stressed I was).  Anyways, we talked and it's all good.  I actually showed him my FF calendar and how it shows even on CD 1 what my estimated "fertile days" are and as I add more data it adjusts it.  He likes the calendar and so on CD 1 I will send him the link to it so he can check and know for himself when he can do whatever and when he needs to be on a schedule.

So, anyways, we started BD yesterday and then today I got my +OPK!  We decided to go ahead and BD tomorrow and Monday and skip today.  Hopefully the timing will work out.  I got my +OPK around noon today and this morning (9ish) it was negative, so I know I just started my surge and I can get +OPK for a couple of days, so I'm guessing O is tomorrow or Monday.  Anyways, the schedule seems to work well for both of us, so as I temp and check my other signs we will see if it ends up working out or not.

Since today was +OPK, I managed to get to a lab to my E2 drawn.  I hope the number comes up real good and then at 7 DPO I will get a progesterone test and see what that tells us.  My acu is the one wanting the numbers so he can adjust accordingly.  I am so incredibly lucky to have such an awesome acu.

Anyways, while I know in my mind and heart that unprotected sex and O time can equal a baby.  My whole heart is pinned on this as "the one".  It may be, it may not be.  It's definitely been awesome for data gathering.  I'm so happy with my CD 3 results and hopefully these will give us answer as well.  I'm trying to be more analytical and less emotional because this hurts less and I feel like I can be productive here. I can't force my body to conceive, but I can work on numbers and labs if they don't measure right.  I have control over that if that make any sense.

Haunted house tonight, w00t!

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

DH Vent

I just need to vent on my husband real quick because I feel like I have absolutely no one I can talk to about this.  Let me start off by saying I have a great relationship with my husband.  He's actually my very best friend.  However, as anyone dealing with IF knows, especially if the one woman is the one with the IF, it all falls to us.

Taking temp, pills, powders, appt's, ultrasounds, tracking with cycle CD, peeing on OPKs, HPTs, etc.  I can't EVER forget I'm very actively TTC because I have to do something with it every single day.  What I need DH to do is be there when days are hard and I think I'll never conceive and when I say it's "go time", he's ready.

So, since CD 6 my left ovary has felt "pinchy".  I can def. feel it there and even when I had my CD 3 u/s the tech said I had better follies on my left.  So, here I am CD 10 and while my OPK is pretty light, I have EWCM.  We had sex "for fun" on CD 7.  So I told him on my way home from work that I wanted to go on an every other day (EOD) schedule until I get my +OPK starting tonight.  So, he asks if we can start tomorrow and I'm like why?  He says, because I already got off today.  Um, WTF???

I am pretty P'O'd about that. I actually don't typically care about that but this is getting close to "o time" here and I can't have that.  When I went off on him he told me well, you said O probably this weekend and so it's only Wed.  I need you to make out a sched for me so I know when you are going to O and we plan accordingly.

REALLY????  I would like to freakin' know when I'm Oing well ahead of time too, but I don't.  I don't get advance notice, just signs that it's "coming" and then "it's over".  When I get real close I can sometimes narrow the day, but I don't just know ahead of time when it will happen.  I also feel that if I say "this weekend" I'm going to O, then you are "hands off" for the few days prior to it, and yes, Wed counts in my book.

I know I'm probably over reacting, but I am just so incredibly mad!! On top of it I started a brand new job and the orientation is very far away from my house, I'm talking like 90 min. commute in rush hour.  So, I had a 12 hour day today between the driving, the orientation, and then having my TB skin test results.  I come home for a little bit before running to an HOA meeting.  He calls me while I'm on the road and wnats to know what to do about dinner.  Really???  You can't cook something?  Maybe have something ready for me.  I come home, are dishes done?  No.  They are waiting for me.  So, all I have time to do before my HOA meeting is feed cats, wash dishes, and then blog here because I am crying.  DH and I got into a fight over O and BD, so he's in his office with the door shut which if fine because I don't want to see him.  Also, we got extra border for this Halloween fence thing we're doing and naturally I have to put that up too.  Oh, and get up extra early tomorrow for that commute again.  I am so tired, fed up, and frustrated.

I pretty much told him to take this cycle and shove it.  I hate feeling this way, so negative and out of control.  I just don't know what to do about it this moment.  I just want to cry.  I know I'm exhausted since I had trouble sleeping since I was anxious about my job today.  Sigh.....  off to HOA meeting.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Labs and acu

Alright, so my last number came in!  Yeah!!  My full labs are:

                     Dec             May           Oct
AFC              6-8              6               8-9
P4                 1.66         <0.200        <0.200
LH                3.78           2.99             2.99
FSH              8.10           8.26             6.90
E2                 101             23.9            25.8
AMH             0.67           0.24            0.36      

My acu also wants me to get my E2 checked again once I get my +OPK and also my P4 at 7 DPO.  He says then he'll have the full picture of everything right now.  We are both very hopeful for a natural conception.  He said he always did think it can happen, just takes a bit longer when you do it natural so I'm telling myself it's time to chill for the rest of the year.  Just enjoy the fall, the seasons, and the BFPs I know some awesome ladies are going to get and maybe mine will come too.  I know I'm freaking out more because my bday is in Dec and I'll be 32.  However my body has improved and is doing good and that is something to celebrate and rejoice.

I am CD 9 today and will start with OPKs and temping once I get a postive.  My left ovary has been "sore" since CD 6.  I can just feel it there and I felt it a lot today, enough hat I took an OPK since I was a bit nervous, but luckily it's negative.  I'm thinking I'll probably ovulate sometime this weekend.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Labs are in!!!! (well, most of them)

So, yesterday I had my acupuncture appt and I started to feel kinda down because he was telling me that if I am not pregnant in a couple of cycles I might want to consider injectables and maybe some monitoring to see if we can get a good follicle and maybe the drugs could stimulate it a bit.  I started realizing that he was coming to the end of his bag of tricks and maybe starting to give up on me and I left the appt. feeling kinda sad.

Well, today I went ahead and my ovarian reserve levels rechecked.  Here's what we have:

                              December                   May                         October
AFC                         6-8                            6                                8-9
Progesterone            1.66                        <0.200                         <0.200
LH                           3.78                          2.99                             2.99
FSH                         8.10                          8.26                             6.90
E2                             101                          23.9                            25.8
AMH                        0.67                         0.24                            TBD

These numbers are fantastic for DOR.  Let me go through them.  AFC is Antral Follicle Count, it's the number of resting follicles at the beginning of a cycle.  Normal is 8-18 and for the first time ever, my count hit normal range.  Low normal, but normal.  FSH is your Follicle Stimulating Hormone. Anything under 10 is good, however the 6.9 is fantastic!  That is just awesome.  My E2 is estrogen and it was way too high originally.  It should be above the mid 70s range.  Now they are picture perfect.  Altogether this paints a good portrait.  Now, my AMH is really super low.  They like to see them above 1 and mine clearly isn't.  I should get those results back in a week or so, but even if it's very low (which I'm expecting), it's showing the quality of what I have is much improved and I think I am onto something good.

I went ahead and emailed my acu and I'll talk to him in more detail next week, however, I am feeling I should continue forward since I have shown so much progress.  I started acu at the end of March, so by my May test I had gone maybe two or three cycles.  The test I had now was after 6 months of acu and 7 cycles.

Monday, October 1, 2012

New month, new cycle

So, here I am.  CD 1 and it's October 1st.  I'm not surprised.  I was hoping, of course, that I'd be pregnant, but to be honest, I really knew I wasn't.  So, I'm actually okay.  I'm kinda whatever right now.  I'm starting cycle #20.

I called my RE's office today and Thursday I'm going to go head and get my ovarian reserve tested again.  I'm just curious to see how the numbers have changed, if at all.  I can't do much at the moment and I'm fixing to switch insurance coverage (still no IF coverage, but at least more money) and then we'll see from there.  I figure with info I can have more options.