Friday, October 26, 2012

Cycle 21, here you come

Yesterday was just a really bad day.  I was so upset and depressed and just feeling done with TTC.  I had a big, big meltdown when I got home.  I was crying so hard and just so hurt inside.  DH was great, of course, he gave me a huge hug and held me.  Then we talked about where to go next.  We had said before we'd give acu the rest of the year and we really decided we will go ahead and do that.  So, there will be 2 more full cycles in 2012 and then one cycle that will start mid-Dec (prolly start right on my bday, knowing me) and end early January.  So, today I made the call, I went ahead and called the RE and scheduled a consult to discuss options since I have had my ovarian reserve checked 3 times this year and we'll go from there.  My appt is at 4:00 on 1/4/13.  It's a week before AF is due so this gives me time to decide and then proceed.  We are also going to look into adoption in January too as one of out options and see.

I just completed my 8th full acu cycle.  By the time I start any kind of treatments or adoption, I would have had 11 acu cycles.  I think that's sufficient time to give it a try and say that while there have been improvements  there's been no baby and maybe I need more help.  For now I'll continue and maybe a miracle will occur, but I don't believe it.  I believe I'll be sitting in the RE's office on 1/4.  DH is coming with me to the appt so we can decide together where to go next.

After I got done crying, I drank a whole bottle of wine and watched my fave show Big Bang Theory.  I feel sad about where I am in the process right now, but okay.  I have to go to a babyshwoer tomorrow for a very good friend and I'll go to Target in the morning and get the gift and then go and I'll be okay.  Might come home and cry and drink, but for her I'll be okay.  I was spotting this afternoon, so CD 1 will be tomorrow.  This makes it my 21st TTC cycle.  21?!  Am I really here?

I have acu on Tuesday, so I'll probably let him know the plan.  I know what he'll say, your progesterone is low we'll target it, you're almost there, etc.  I love my acu, I really do and I'm glad he's so hopeful, but I just don't see it.


  1. Amber, I am so sorry that you aren't feeling hopeful about this happening on its own, but I know how easy it is to give up hope when you've been let down so many times before. I think sometimes it is also just easier to give up on hope, because then the disappointment is a little easier to take. I wish you didn't have to go through all this or have these feelings, but I think you are doing a damn good job with the hand you've been dealt. I can't even tell you how proud I am of your attitude about this baby shower. You are such an awesome person, and you will get the baby you've dreamed of and deserve. I pray that it is sooner than you expect!

  2. I'm so sorry you're going through this :(

  3. Well, I hope that apt. with the RE will need to be cancelled, but if it doesn't WOW you have accomplished so much with acu. I do know how it feels to see progress though and still have no baby and wonder if you've hit some sort of glass ceiling with Eastern treatments.

    If you do need the RE, you'll be going there armed with tons of great data, which is so much more than most people who just blindly walk in without any idea of what's going on. You know your body and can help formulate an awesome plan with the RE if needed. I also think it's awesome you are open to adoption possibly. Still really praying you'll get your BFP before then though! I'm super impressed with how dedicated you are to this process, and you deserve a baby already!