Yep, I am not pregnant and I'm not going to be. At least not in 2012. It's time I start acting like it and stop playing all these stupid games. I am so tired of this. Tired of the heartbreak. I went out to bingo with some of my former co-workers there and a friend who knew about my issues took a deep breath and told me I know you're going to want to scream and throw pillows at me, but I have tell you I'm pregnant. I am very happy for this friend, she had no issues at all with IF and was not preventing but was going to get serious in the new year. She was a supportive sounding board for me when we worked together this year. It still hurt to hear it. God, I wish BFP announcements didn't hurt. I'm rarely upset about the person who's telling me. It's just me. It just reminds me that I can't get pregnant and my body won't do it and while I do have a diagnosis like DOR, I still don't honestly get why. I'm guess I did it to myself when I gained extraordinary amounts of weight, maybe when I had gastric, maybe just years of screwing my body with diet pills, starvation, exercise, binging. I don't know, but I am not pregnant and I highly doubt I'm going to be.
I'm officially done and taking the rest of the year off. AF is due both on Thanksgiving and then on my 32nd birthday. I just can't do this. I actually spent some time googling things that were not good to do while pregnant because I wanted to do them all. Maybe if I do all these things I'll actually forget how bad it hurts.
I am starting with my appt to get a keratin treatment on the 24th. I will stop taking all "fertility related" herbs, supplements, and anything else. I have to take calcium and a multi twice a day due to malabsorption so I'll do that, but nothing else. No acu. I have one appt on the 28th and I'll just cancel it.
Other things on my list:
caffeine-yep, as much as I want, whenever I want.
exercise-It's not good to do anything with weights so I think I'll start lifting those.
hot tub-gonna soak in that in the gym after my workouts
electric blanket and my castor oil packs. I miss doing this anyways, it's been hard since I O'd.
The biggie? I'm gonna get a tattoo for my 32nd bday. I'm going to get a paw print. Where should I put it? I'm open to all ideas. I need it hidden for work purposes, but no area that will "change", kwim? Also, anything else that's bad for pregnancy let me know!! Not big on sushi or else I'd eat that too, but open to other things.
I have no plans to really celebrate my bday otherwise. I'll go to dinner with DH and any family members that would throw a big fuss, but that's it. I'm working on talking DH out of not doing any holiday decorations this year. My reason is I just started a new job and we're both just very busy right now. Gonna order gifts online and wrap them and keep them in the closet until the gift exchange, but I don't really want to have it all around me the whole month.