Thursday, November 15, 2012

I am not pregnant

Yep, I am not pregnant and I'm not going to be.  At least not in 2012.  It's time I start acting like it and stop playing all these stupid games.  I am so tired of this.  Tired of the heartbreak.  I went out to bingo with some of my former co-workers there and a friend who knew about my issues took a deep breath and told me I know you're going to want to scream and throw pillows at me, but I have tell you I'm pregnant.  I am very happy for this friend, she had no issues at all with IF and was not preventing but was going to get serious in the new year.  She was a supportive sounding board for me when we worked together this year.  It still hurt to hear it.  God, I wish BFP announcements didn't hurt.  I'm rarely upset about the person who's telling me.  It's just me.  It just reminds me that I can't get pregnant and my body won't do it and while I do have a diagnosis like DOR, I still don't honestly get why.  I'm guess I did it to myself when I gained extraordinary amounts of weight, maybe when I had gastric, maybe just years of screwing my body with diet pills, starvation, exercise, binging.  I don't know, but I am not pregnant and I highly doubt I'm going to be.

I'm officially done and taking the rest of the year off.  AF is due both on Thanksgiving and then on my 32nd birthday.  I just can't do this.  I actually spent some time googling things that were not good to do while pregnant because I wanted to do them all.   Maybe if I do all these things I'll actually forget how bad it hurts.

I am starting with my appt to get a keratin treatment on the 24th.  I will stop taking all "fertility related" herbs, supplements, and anything else.  I have to take calcium and a multi twice a day due to malabsorption  so I'll do that, but nothing else.  No acu.  I have one appt on the 28th and I'll just cancel it.

Other things on my list:
caffeine-yep, as much as I want, whenever I want.
alcohol-of course!
exercise-It's not good to do anything with weights so I think I'll start lifting those.
hot tub-gonna soak in that in the gym after my workouts
soft cheese
lunch meat
hot dogs
electric blanket and my castor oil packs.  I miss doing this anyways, it's been hard since I O'd.

The biggie?  I'm gonna get a tattoo for my 32nd bday.  I'm going to get a paw print.  Where should I put it?  I'm open to all ideas.  I need it hidden for work purposes, but no area that will "change", kwim?  Also, anything else that's bad for pregnancy let me know!!  Not big on sushi or else I'd eat that too, but open to other things.

I have no plans to really celebrate my bday otherwise.  I'll go to dinner with DH and any family members that would throw a big fuss, but that's it.  I'm working on talking DH out of not doing any holiday decorations this year.  My reason is I just started a new job and we're both just very busy right now.  Gonna order gifts online and wrap them and keep them in the closet until the gift exchange, but I don't really want to have it all around me the whole month.


  1. I am so sorry that you are having to endure this pain and heartache. IF is the worst thing I have ever had to go through and it breaks my heart whenever I see, hear, or watch, another going through it too. I do love the idea of a "pre-pregnancy" bucket list though! What a great way to do some things for yourself that you wouldn't get to do otherwise. Here are a few to add to your already awesome list:
    * Get Highlights
    * Go Skydiving
    * Spray Paint something
    * Climb a ladder
    * Go skiing
    * Clean the inside of the oven
    * Jump on a trampoline

    I'll be praying that the rest of this year flies by and you will have a re-newed energy and spirit in the new year.

    P.S. I got a tattoo for my 21st b-day and it is on the top right side of my right foot. I love it there because I can easily cover it up if I want, or have it peeking out in my flip flops. To me, I think it's the perfect (kinda cute - and a little sexy - but not slutty) spot. 12 years later and I still don't regret it :-)

    Hugs, Kara

    1. Thanks Kara! I just added your blog as well! Some of these are hard since I live in Texas (like skiing), but I love your suggestions, more to add to this list, thank you!

  2. So sorry you won't be pregnant this year. What a bummer. Sigh. I know you have an RE appt. next year (right?) so I hope and pray that works out for you.

    I like the idea of the tattoo on your lower back on one side or the other, near your hip KWIM?

    I see those license plates everywhere now!!! Either BFP or BFN... so bizarre. They're new I assume. Someone with a weird sense of humor designed them.

    Love the hot tub idea. I've read that alternating between hot and cold can really get the blood flowing down there!

    1. Thank you so much for all your support. You have no idea how much your comments mean to me. Yeah, we're moving on to the RE in the new year. I'm actually going to see a new one that's been recommended to me now by 3 separate people.

  3. Your post nearly made me cry. I think all of us who through IF have a more difficult time understanding why this happens to us. We start questioning every little thing, cursing those who do the worst and still conceive.

    I think it would be an awesome thing to try all those things on your list. Let some steam out and you never know...a miracle can happen.

  4. I hate so much that you are feeling so discouraged, but I know that that's pretty much how I was feeling last month, and it isn't anything you can "control". I still believe 100% that you will be pregnant, but I also think that taking some time to do whatever the hell you want is a great idea. Oh, and that license plate can suck it! I do hope you'll celebrate your birthday, because you really deserve to. You are one amazing woman, and even though I've never met you IRL, you have really been a source of such encouragement, support, and friendship that I am so happy for the day you were born! I absolutely adore you, Amber, and I pray you get all the wonderful things you deserve!

  5. Farra, you just brought me to tears. I really do try to support everyone and let them know to never give up hope. I just can't do it for myself for some reason. I am so incredibly happy you got your BFP and I intend to enjoy pregnancy through you and your stories if that's okay. I know IRL we'd be very close friends. :-)

  6. You WILL be pregnant Amber. I'm so sure. LOVE the idea of a pawprint tattoo to remember Chase. I have no idea where to put it though! I'm KMFX and praying for that BFP for you.

  7. every year there's a major tattoo convention here in calgary in october.
    every year we book our fave artist (randy engelhard) in january or so when he announces his tour dates for the year.
    every year my dh tells me that if i end up getting knocked up he'll just take my appointment.
    every year i tell myself that by october i'll either have a new tattoo or a baby...

    i've never had to cancel an appointment with randy yet... i'm already planning the art for him to finish my sleeve next year.