Wednesday, November 28, 2012

I can't do this anymore

I just can't do this anymore. I don't have one shred of hope or positivity left in me anymore. Between my new job that looks like is turning out to be a big mistake and this while TTC process that isn't working out either I just feel broken and hopeless. I don't know what to do or which way to turn anymore. I don't know what is right or how to get through any more of this. I am probably going to delete this blog soon since there is no point. All I am doing is Chaseing a dream that unfortunately died on 9/26/11 and isn't ever coming back. It's time to face reality.

16 comments:

  1. Don't give up. I understand the highs and lows of this journey all to well, and certainly seem to have more lows than highs because it's so hard to keep the faith alive. You were so positive recently about the RE and what he can do for you. Hold on to that hope, 2013 is a new year. Big, gigantic hugs to you.

    Now please give me this same pep talk in a week?!

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    1. How about in a week I congratulate you on your BFP?! *hugs* Thank you!!!

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  2. I'm sorry to hear this. I still think TTC can work out for you- you just might need more help. (I conceived via IVF myself, so I know how difficult it is!). Can you get in to your RE sooner? That might help you feel better if you have a plan with him/her...
    -blondewifey from BBC, fellow low AMH-er

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    1. I can't get to the RE sooner 'cause I started a new job and my insurance kicks in on Sat. This is an HMO so I have to find an OB and then get a referral with the holiday I just don't see how to do it sooner. Thank you so much for the support Elizabeth!

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  3. Please don't delete you blog. I understand if you need a break though. You're probably sick or writing the same story in a different way. The new year will bring new hope. Please, just go see the RE. It's OK if you need more assistance getting pregnant. I know you wanted the natural route and I believe that helped your body, even if not getting you pregnant. I can't imagine your frustration and can't begin to understand. You have every right to feel down. As for the new job, it can really take a year to settle in. Give it a little more time! Remember, nothing is permanent in this life... not feelings, not people, anything, not even our own selves. We can't control external crap, only how we react to it. Feel down today but don't let it swallow you!!! Create a new blog about a hobby or interest... I have a feeling TTC is consuming you and that's a terrible feeling. Good luck cyber friend.

    ~www.wantinganotherwagner.wordpress.com

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    1. Thank you! I think I do need to step back and after this cycle I'll have one of no acu and no RE, so I plan to truly take a break and not chart or anything. In fact, gonna tell DH to hid the damn BBT so that I can't do it. Thank you so much for your support!

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  4. Awh, Amber. I'm so sorry to hear you down like this. I think this time of year is so hard when you want a family so badly. It's hard any time of year, but especially the holidays. You have been giving this your 110% for quite a while and it's totally normal that you'd be burnt out. Honestly, if you were Pollyanna every single day when going through this, you wouldn't be normal. I hope that you won't be so hard on yourself for not getting where you want to be quite yet. Take a break if you need to...I have a feeling if you do, it will make you realize again why you are doing all of this and how much you are meant to be a mother. It will happen for you, I just know it! You may need a little extra push...just a nudge from Western medicine, and THAT IS OK! I know that is somewhat of a mourning process when you realize you may not be able to do this on your own, but that is what medicine is there for. You aren't "less than" because you need a little help. Sooo many people get the help they need (unwillingly at first) and then realize that it wasn't so bad and it was worth it in the end. I think you'll realize this too. I hope that you'll give yourself some slack and take the help that's there for you when the time is right. I haven't given up on you for one single second, because I know it will happen for you. Love you girlie! XOXO

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    1. Love you too girl and thank you, thank you, for all the support and encouragement. You have no idea how much it means to me.

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  5. So sorry you feel this way Amber. I agree that getting in to see your RE can help. Also taking a break and not trying not not trying (if that makes sense, kinda where I've been lately) can help. When you put in 110% (like Emily said) and you get back nothing it's painful. When you put in 20% and get back nothing it's painful but less so. 90% less, LOL.

    Love ya girl and big hugs and I'm always here if you want to chat.

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    1. Love you too Sarah and thank you! i'm going to have one cycle without acu or the RE and I plan to really give it a break at that time. Even ask DH to hide the stupid BBT. Thank you so much for all your love and support Sarah!

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  6. So sorry that you are feeling down. This whole ttc process is so hard and it's so wearing. I can tell you that after I went to see the RE I felt better somehow, like I might actually get pregnant.

    You still have options which is good! I really believe that you will be a mother, you may just need that extra help from the RE to get there :)

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  7. Amber, so sorry you are feeling this way. The TTC journey sure is quite the roller coaster ride. So many ups and downs and emotions along the way. I have only been following your journey for a short time, but I feel like I know you. There were so many times over the past 3 years that I wanted to throw in the towel and give up because at times it was just too hard! After my ectopic, surgery, and fiding out that both my tubes would have to be removed, I was devastated. I thought it was over and it hurt so bad. After we met with our RE, I felt like I had hope again (for the first itme in a while) and an actual plan. I was suddenly reminded that I wasn't ready to give up until I tried absoulutely everything. Don't give up yet! You are going to be a wonderful mother someday because of all you have been through to bring this baby into your loving arms. Keep that appointment with your RE. I guarantee you will feel different after that appointment. And until then, don't feel bad about taking a break. Lord knows we all need one, especially when you are on this hellish journey.

    I will be thinking of and praying for you daily!

    Hugs,
    Kara
    www.waitingonababyb.wordpress.com

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    1. Thank you Kara!! Your words make so much sense and I'm so glad we've begun following each other. I just know your IVF is going to work and I'm going to keep going as far as I need to also, one way or another. *hugs*

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  8. Amber, I feel your pain. I think my emotions have had its higs and lows. Sometimes the HOPE we hang on to can seem pointless. But I have learn that our feeling will change from one day to another. We are or were chasing a dream that seems never ending. I don't want you to delete your blog...I want you & I to stay strong and get through these hard times (the holidays) and go into 2013 being more confident that will be our year to say we are pregnant. Don't leave me alone through this journey!! I beg of you...let stay strong together!! Our day will come and we will be exceptional mothers. =)

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    1. I promise I won't leave and we will be in this journey together. Hopefully better things are in store for 2013. Thank you so much for all the support! I'll definitely stay with you.

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