Most of the people reading this blog are TTC and are part of BBC. There's a couple of people who read my blog (not sure they currently do, but they have int he past) who know me IRL. Part of TTC has to do with sex. It just does. This is about some of that aspect and my personal feelings on my it. So, feel free to read, but if you know me personally and don't really want to read this part, then feel free to skip this post.
So, yesterday was ovulation day for me. I am now officially 1 DPO. Yesterday morning I knew I was ovulating, I can actually feel O, which is both a blessing and a curse. I was also "in the mood". I figure kill two birds with one stone. We did BD the night before, so I knew the timing was good. To be honest I was more just "in the mood", it just coincidentally was O day. So, I make the pass at DH and struck out. He pulled the whole just woke up, too tired bit. What killed me is if I'd said, I know I'm ovulating as we speak if we can do this it would be an extra good shot, he probably would have tried or at least would have def tried after he woke up a little bit more. He knew it was "go time" as we call it, but he didn't know that yesterday morning it was happening. I didn't want to tell him, dammit, I just wanted to sleep with my sexy husband.
Needless to say he didn't hit on me at all yesterday. It was weird because I felt my body change throughout the day. I had O pain in the morning, CM was wet, I was checking CM throughout the day and it became less watery and finally last night it was creamy. My boobs went from fine, so tender, so sore by the night. I knew last night that I was "past" ovulation. I have never felt that in the day, this usually happens at night and I wake up with the progesterone symptoms.
Anyways, I felt very depressed all of yesterday. I just felt undesired, like I wasn't attractive anymore. On BBC you see a lot of threads with "DH feels I only want to have sex at O time for a baby and he feels undesired". Well, I'm on the opposite camp. DH will do what needs done at the time it needs doing. Outside of O time, not that much sex occurs. When we have sex at O time, it's not wildly passionate or anything it's more like lets doe this for a baby.
Now, I'm not young. I'm not an old maid, I'll be 32 next month, but c'mon, I'm a long way from 18 or 21. Young women are associated with beauty and fertility. Mostly fertility which is why guys are drawn to them. I'm neither, I'm not young and I'm not fertile. Every day I become further away from both of those. I just feel like I have no worth as a woman anymore. He's not passionately attracted to me because I am not fertile. At least this is how I feel. We don't do many dates, most of our "us" time is chores. I just feel like we're friends. The best of friends, but no passion. It just hurts.
Now, we both work full time and live near family and spend time with friends, so I get there isn't that much time. Sometimes you forget that piece and that's' the logical part of me that knows this. However, right now I just feel like I'm less of a woman and I've already justified the 20 reasons why this isn't my cycle, I'm not going to be a mom, etc. Truth is I just don't know. This probably won't be my cycle because it's been 21 of them, so why would it be? But maybe it will. It's a defense thing. If I tell myself it won't work, then it won't hurt so bad when it doesn't work. Especially considering my period is due on Thanksgiving. That's as lie too though 'cause it always hurts when it doesn't work out. I dread the holidays this year. My next period is actually due on my 32nd birthday and sad thing is, I really do know it will happen. However, there's always a stupid glimmer of hope and that's why it hurts so bad every time my period does come.
Anyways, I am pretty sure that all of this is in my head, but there it is and I don't know what to do about it. Last night's convo of "you don't ever want to sleep with me", didn't go well, but might try explaining to him how it's more tied into my lack of fertility and my lack of worth. I realize it came off like an attack on him last night.
I also know that I probably went it one big circle that makes no sense whatsoever, but I guess that's what blogging is for. It's just me trying empty my brain with everything in it and these all the different thoughts that are in it.
If anyone actually made it through this whole pointless blob, I thank you for your support. I'm actually amazed at the amount of people who read and support me. <3