Monday, December 31, 2012

New Year's Eve

I apologize for my last rant in my blog, after one of my visit's today, I just couldn't help it.  Now back to the meaning of today.

New Year's Eve

Ah, I remember this day so well a year ago.  I had just been diagnosed with DOR and was sad and scared, however, also hopeful.  I thought with an answer will finally come my baby.  I was hurting, but still had hope.  It was a mixed day as I celebrated with all the neighbors and some close friends.  We put a projector on the garage and watched a movie and had drinks and pot luck.  If you could see the projector, you were invited. Didn't matter who came.  We popped fireworks, laughed, got drunk, and had a blast.  I was two doors down from my house, so no driving.  The new year brought me dietary changes, herbs, supplements, and acupuncture later that spring and the hope of a dream come true.

Now it's a year later.  I sit here with the same diagnosis and the same answer I was given a year ago. IVF.  It's not IVF I'm opposed to, I honestly do not know how to fund it.  I've had some amazing people give me liks to websites where women sell other women their leftover drugs at a fraction of a price.  Applications to grants for IVF and while there are no clinical trials going on where I can get to them, I will continue looking.  I do have an appt with another RE one week from today as well as an adoption information session.  I have no expectations of 2013, no idea if I will be a mom or even close to being one a year from now.  I only know that I will go one day at a time with the information that I have and pray.  Pray for what, I actually no longer know either.  Do I pray to find a way to fund IVF?  Do I pray that maybe this new doctor will say injectibles?  Do I pray that will work?  Do I pray that I feel more open and excited about adoption?   Do I pray for the desire of children to just leave me?  Do I pray for the strength to deal with friends who are currently pregnant and those who will become pregnant in 2013?

This evening will be different from last year.  It's going to be just my husband and I.  We will eat pizza, watch movies, play boardgames, and bring in the new year together.  I will be okay this year no matter what because in the end he is my everything and we are together.

Drugs and Doctors

I know it's New Year's Eve and it's the time for me to reflect on my year and see where I am and where I hope to be, however, I have a very, very strong need to express my anger at something.  This is marginally TTC related, so feel free to skip this post.

DRUGS and DOCTORS!

I work with young children with diabilities.  Until October, I worked in school districts, first as a teacher, then as a behavior specialist.  I am a BCBA, which is a Board Certified Behavior Analyst.  I have worked with children with all disabilities from ages 3-21.  In October I switched from working in the school district for working with ECI, which stands for Early Childhood Intervention.  I know work with children from birth to three with disabilities.

One thing that made me sick in the schools is the amount of special needs children on drugs.  Doctors wrote scripts for everything.  My kid this, well, here's a drug.  Every kid who walked into a physicians office with any kind of issue, neurological, behavioral, cognitive, whatever, ended up with a stupid drug.  The drugs did different things to the kids.  Some seem to have no effect, some made them so calm they were comatose, some made them just calmer, some would decrease aggression, some increased aggression, some made children never hungry, some made them always hungry.  Meds need to be changed often because children are growing and as they grow they need less, more, or a dfiferent drug to "control them".  When the drugs are gone, the children revert back to what they were before they took the drug.  The drug didn't help them change, it just controlled them, made it easier for schools and parents.  It made me sick.

When I was an older teenager I had some emotional problems.  I'd had some challenges in my young life and as a result I had some anxiety, depression, etc.  At age 18 I saw a doctor for it.  What did I get?  A drug.  Drug after drug, after drug.  Finally they found drugs where I just didn't feel anything.  I don't remember my time on drugs.  One thing did happen while on those drugs though, I gained enormous amounts of weight. I gained about 50 lbs with the initial antidepressants I was given, but after I got married and those weren't working, they upped and gave me even more cocktails.  I was given all kinds of heavy duty drugs.  I took them all.  Doctor's know what's best, don't they?  I ended up going from a little overweight to morbidly obese.  I weighed 320 lbs. on these drugs and didn't care.  My amazing husband was tying my shoes daily because I could no longer reach my feet. I couldn't see them.  I had trouble shaving.  I had trouble with daily tasks that required bending, lifting, etc.  I was a nothing.  I have virtually no memory of thsi sad time in my life.  My incredible husband did everything for me and was only concerned for my health.  He never called me "fat", never berated me, yelled at me, told me take my fat ass to the gym, none of that.  I went to visit my friend who was having a baby.  During this visit I lost my "drugs".  I was staying with her for a few days and this was hours from home, so I couldn't get more.  By the end of the visit I started feeling.

I never, ever took those drugs again.  However, I was very morbidly obese.  I go back to the doctor (they know what's best, right?), and they give me drugs for weight loss.  Doesn't happen and eventually we go with gastric bypass.  It was 2008 when I had it done, I was 27 years old.  I did this to be healthy, for my husband, and for my future.  We were startign to talk about children.  I trusted doctors and so I had the surgery.  I did lose all the weight.  It's been 4 and a half years and I have not gained it back.  I maintain an active lifestyle.

This should be a happy story, right?  Unfortunately, there are studies coming out, and more research is needed, but it seems that gastric bypass surgery has a correlation to a reduction in AMH, meaning ovarian reserve.  It seems that there is a very good chance that this surgery has caused my infertility.  I am accepting that I have done this to myself.

In Sept of 2011 I went to the OB to find out why I wasn't pregnant yet.  I was still new to TTC, began July 2011, but I started charting immediately and coudl tell something was wrong.  The solution???  A drug.  3 cycles of a drug and no monitoring except a blood test taken on the wrong day of my cycle.  I saw a RE.  A year ago this month I was diagnosed with DOR.  Of course, the first thing the doctor wanted to do? DRUGS.  IVF. 

I did research for the rest of Dec 2011 and Jan 2012.  I saw it was possible to maybe conceive without medication.  Through diet, herbs, and supplemetns I could achieve parenthood.  Unfortunately it didn't work for me.  I am again at the mercy of doctor's and drugs.  I am scared.  Scared I can't afford them.  Scared of what they will do to my body.  Scared of the real cost in health and money for my baby. 

Now, why did I tell you what I do for a living?  It's not for the comments of you're amazing for working with sped kids, 'cause I'm not, believe me.  It's because I now work with children from birth to 3.  BIRTH to THREE.  Why am I emphasizing this????  Because several times now, including today, I stepped into a home where I ask about health and I am handed a bottle.  A bottle called Hydroxyzine.  I asked today, why is he taking this?  And what was I told?  It's the only thing they can give him this young.  What does it do?  It's supposed to make him calm down and sleep.  They upped the dose, it doesn't work, but I keep giving it. 

I am horrified and I want to cry.  I was horrified that children in the school districts take drugs that I was given as an adult.  I am horrified that babies are given drugs.  I am horrified that the answer to everything is a DRUG.  Please, if you get anything else from this blog, please be your own advocate, and please do your own research.

As a behaviorist I work at manipulating the environment to change behavior.  I work at improving communication and finding the function of behavior and then teaching an alternative behavior to meet the same function or making sure the function is no longer serving as the function in order to change the behavior.  I wish the first step with children was working with them, not drugging them.

I do need to put in a disclaimer.  I am not a person who doesn't believe in medication.  I am not a person who doesn't believe that even some children need to be on this medication.  I believe medicine can be good, that real problems exist that require their use.  That there is a need for it.  At the ame time, not ever child needs a drug and when a child is on a drug, they should be monitored, taken off the drug occasionally to see if it's still needed, etc.  Also, some of these children come from poor home environments where their behavior is really tied to the life they live and still they are given drugs.  I feel like crying as I type this.  It hurts me deep inside that this is being done to our chidlren.

I know and accept that I will need drugs to become a mom.  I'm not sure how much, at what leve, and if I can even afford it, but I do know i need it.  I know most women reading my blog do too. I hope this doesn't offend anyone and I hope the true meaning of what I'm trying to say is here.  I just have no where else to put this and so I'm doing it on my blog.

Sunday, December 30, 2012

Random thoughts....

I just have a lot of random stuff floating through my head.  A blog is for those types of things, right?

So, I'm on a break cycle.  on CD 1, I gave DH my BBT, OPKs, everything.  I thought I'd start wondering where they are, but not at all.  Hell, I may never ask for them again.  We'll see....  So, the benefits of being on break.  For the most part I did lost track of what CD I was on.  I say for the most part, because while I haven't been on FF really, I did notice a lot of O pain and thought it seems a bit early. Of course it's a bit early.... This cycle O was CD 10 or 11, ugh!!  Progesterone symptoms starting to feel later in the day on CD 12 and full force on today, CD 13.  So, since I am on break I notice O pain and then there's the whole "what do I do about this".  I know there's no BFP for me.  No way an egg is full matured or fully anything at this point.  However, there's the "what if...." I figured would be nagging in my head.  I decide I'm just going to hit on DH.  Whatever happens, happens.  If he's like lets DTD then game on, if he's like nah, then that's fine too.  No mention to him of O pain and I've never not told him before.  So....  I initiate and he accepts and we have a really good time, other than the pain in my ovary that is.  But I just relax and have a good time with my amazing husband on CD 10.  Then CD 11, I can still feel some of that ovary pain, not sure if it's too late or not, but I figure I'll hit on him again and see what happens....  Well, another good time.  I have to tell you, my DH is pretty on board with TTC and yes there's been some BD frustrations, but on the whole the man does what he needs to do when he needs to do it.  This not telling him, was so much fun, I must admit.  So, yesterday we're talking about baby stuff...  'cause well, I seem to have no other thought in my head anymore.  And he's like, what do we do about ovulation and stuff this time?  I'm like, oh that's over now.  He's like over?  I'm like, yep, noticed I was ovulating, I was horny  I jumped on you, we had fun.  He was like really?  He was like that was awesome.  I'm like yeah, way too early in my cycle though, so seriously doubt anything, but at least when AF comes I would have known the timing was right. Hmmm, might start doing this sort of BD and if he refuses when I initiate then I might mention we kinda need to.  In trying to keep positive, which I feel no positivity whatsoever, this means that when I see the new RE on 1/7, I will be around CD 1 or very close to it, so maybe they want to do some testing or something and I don't really have to wait.  Most of the reason why I feel so negative is financial.  I just don't know how to afford any kind of RE treatments.  If money were no option, I'd like one injectibles cycles to see how I respond, and then IVF.

Another thought through my head is how much less patience I have with poor parenting.  I'm not talking buying McDonald's for dinner, I'm talking about crappy ass parenting.  Mainly mine.  My mom does the best she can, we can debate on how much that is, but she does make the effort.  My dad....  He doesn't even try or really care.  Long story short, this is a man who gave his kids up for adoption to our step father because my mom was going to sue him for back owed child support and maybe jail time or something.  Not sure, I was barely a teenager.  This step father is now in prison for pedophilia if this explains anything of how that went.  Anyways.... I reconnect with him when I start college. He is very I miss my kids I made a horrible choice and have been depressed, blah, blah, blah.  So...  He comes to America to try and make it up to us, only he doesn't.  Long story short (and I really am trying to make this short), he never ever remembers my birthday.  When I told him I was infertile a few months ago, he's like oh, I was wondering when you were gonna have kids and keeps on eating.  He has no idea what I do for a living, where I work, or anything.  I've been trying to do the right thing but when he forgot my birthday, AGAIN, I just said this is enough.  The birth of one of his children was so insignificant that it's not worth remembering.  That when he does remember, always a few days later before my brother's bday, he leaves me a half-ass voice mail about "pleading for forgiveness . He's never forgotten the bdays of my sister or brother, just mine.  My brother and I have bdays 5 days apart.  Now he has some new g/f he wants me to meet and I just don't care.  He calls me, which when do I see you?  I want you to meet her.  I'm like why?  I told him I was busy.  I'm just over it.  Part of me feels like a bad daughter the other part of me is just so fucking angry.  Why the hell does this SOB get 3 perfectly good, healthy, nice children?  Why don't I get one baby?  WHY?????

DH likes to make things out of clay and he made me a gorgeous rose and painted it and everything   He gives it to me and I look at him and I'm like, I may really honestly never be able to give you children, are you really okay with staying married to me?  Are you really sure you want me?  I am so broken, from my bouts of depression in the past to this now.  He asks, lets reverse it, my sperm is bad, I can't give you the child, do you care?  I go, no, you are my heart and soul and I can't trade that for anything.  We'd just find another way.  And he goes, this is how I feel about you.  Please stop talking about you hope some car kills you or divorce or anything.  He says you hurt my feelings when you do this.  We are a team and we will get through this.  I'm finally like, okay.

I've seen this with other IF couples too, our love is so strong for each other.  And I am so incredibly lucky.  If someone held out a beautiful newborn of mine and my DH and said "choose one", there's no doubt what I would pick in my life.  This is a man who loved me when we were just high school kids and I clearly had "issues", who loved me when I weighed over 300 lbs thanks to anti depressants, who supported me through ever single thing I've wanted to do. Who loved me even though I can't love myself.  Who will never leave my side.  This is a man I will do anything and everything for.  I just hope, somehow, someway I can give this amazing man a baby.

Friday, December 28, 2012

mini rants

Just a mini rant, since I need to get this out somewhere.

First-I read today that Putin signed into law banning U.S. adoptions of Russican children.  This makes me so mad and sad.  I was talking to DH about this today and we decided if we end up with adoption, we will not do the international route, since what's to say this wont' happen with another country?  Russia is the second country for interanational adoptions from the U.S.  So many families have put in thousands of dollars and now may not get theri kiddo if they've been part of this process for a few months.  Adoption is a LONG process and I'm just so heartbroken.  Not to mention the russian orphans.  Putin could care less about them.  I could type up more and more, but I just don't have it in me today and there's really no point, it just sucks.

Secondly-CD 11 today, 99% sure I O'd last night, maybe today.  I haven't tracked anything this cycle, but I do know the signs, especially the O pain.  You can't track it 22 times and NOT notice it.  POS body dropping an egg at CD 10.  Whatever....  I'm pretty over it, just annoyed.  What the fuck was the point of acu?  I spent all that money for what?  I'm so mad at myself.  Can I do nothing right?

Monday, December 24, 2012

Looking ahead

Let me start by wishing everyone a very Merry Christmas!  No matter where you are in your journey and how you are feeling this holiday season I hope for just a little bit, there is peace in your heart and a moment to reflect all that you have.

I've made no secret of how hard this month has been this year.  Truthfully, this is a hard month every year.  There is so much that seems to go between Thanksgiving and Christmas I usually feel like I struggle to keep up.  I'm the kind of person who's favorite day is Groundhog's Day, like from the movie.  I like knowing and expecting what will happen, I like feeling like I have control.  For one month of the year I feel that gets taken away from me and it exposes my weakness and my fears.  I usually put up my tree, decorate, celebrate, get gifts done ahead of time, wrap them, put stockings out for the cats, I usually do one personalized ornament for who is currently in my household (aka pets and us).  This year I just couldn't do it.  I did stick my tree up.  Never decorated it or even put the skirt on it.  I only half-fluffed it.  I stuck it back in the box a couple of days ago.  Only today did I finish wrapping and celebrating tonight at my mom's.

However, with the amazing ladies on a special thread of BBC, I am doing better.  I baked a nice christmas tree cake and decorated it.  Made deviled eggs.  I am feeling at peace and enjoying my many blessings, my beautiful home, my health and that of my family, the love my husband and I share, the fact that we both have jobs, just many things.  I am finding peace for today and hopefully tomorrow and I am glad about that.

I made a phone call to a second clinic today.  Their success rates are better than my current clinic.  As sad as the rates were, in comparison to all the other clinics in the area, the one I go to is only worst than one other one.  Anyways, I've scheduled a consult for 1/7/13.   I plan to get my medical records from the first RE's office and bring it to them.  I want to know his opinion and what he has to say about everything.  That same day, from 6-9 I found an information seminar on adoption.  Private adoption based on a sliding scale of income and also adoption from foster care. DH and I are scared of that road, but we need to explore it's possibility so we plan to go and see what it's about.  I did read that even if we started on the process, it would be nine months to a year before all the requirements would be fulfilled.  We might start going towards it and see if a miracle will happen in the mean time.  I don't know.  We haven't made any decisions yet, except to explore our options and go from there.

Back in 2005 we bought a house.  Due to them handing out houses to everyone, our inspection wasn't properly done though it was an FHA loan with with down payment and everything.  It turns out we had a pretty bad foundation problem.  We moved near family in 2009 and were unable to sell the home due to the problem and repairs are about 20k.  We rented the house and bought a new one.  Last spring, a tornado hit the area and went through the backyard.  It did much damage to the house.  Unfortunately insurance played games with us and refused to give us enough money for all the repairs and the house is unlivable without them.  Without a rental income or the ability to fix up the house we cannot pay two mortgages and the house is now in foreclosure   Because of this, our credit is ruined and I tried getting a loan this weekend for IVF, but was denied due to everything.  While my body may respond to medical treatment, I may honestly not be able to afford it and it's something I need to accept and deal with.

Anyways, here is where I stand today.  Thinking of you all and wishing you a very blessed and Merry Christmas.

Sunday, December 23, 2012

ALWAYS do your homework!

In my graduate program I learned about research.  I don't mean google, I mean honest to goodness peer reviewed research.  It opened my eyes, I no longer believe statistics and things I hear at face value.  Including the words "70% success rate".  I KNOW that is false!  However, you don't know unless you research.  Ergo this website here: http://fertilitysuccessrates.com/  I query Texas and then clicked on the clinic's name.  I then checked out the SART report, then checked DOR and looked for women under 35.  It posts results from 2004-2010.  No newer stats are available right now.  

So, what do I find?  Let me start with the fact that the clinic as a whole has a 54.4% success rate.  Hmmm, not 70%, but let me look at my situation.  Yeah....  it gets worse.

Again, I queried Diminished Ovarian Reserve for women under 35 using their own eggs.

2010 - 25% success rate (4/16)
2009 - 62% success rate (8/13)
2008 - 38% success rate (6/16)
2007 - 29% success rate (2/7)
2006 - 18% success rate (2/11)
2005 - 33% success rate (6/18)
2004 - 0% success rate (0/5)

Total success rate: 29.2% success rate if you just average out the percentages.  However, if you add up the number of successes to the number of attempts, you get 33% (28/86).

Um, where the hell is 70%????  Yeah, I thought so....  I plan to check out all the other clinics.  For all I know these are the best success rates, but please don't feed me a story.

Friday, December 21, 2012

DOR = IVF

In the end it's what I always knew it would be.  I don't know why I thought I would be special or different, but I did.  I didn't honestly think I'd be sitting here one year after my diagnosis still waiting and praying for this baby, but I am.

I had my consult today and even though I toyed around with the idea of injectibles, at the end I knew I'd be facing IVF.  The RE broke it down to me like this:

To keep trying naturally = 1-3% chance

Injectibles + TI (timed intercourse) = 7%

Injectibles + IUI = 20% chance

IVF = 70% chance

He based most of this on my age and he doesn't see DOR as the huge problem.  He said since all my labs come up normal, he actually considers me DOR/Unexplained.  Of course, IVF is under 12k for the procedure and then 17k with the meds, though I plan to try and get donated meds if I can.  I have zero insurance coverage, so starting int he new year it's save, save, save.  We will pinch pennies, I will push my Scentsy, DH is going to look for a better paying job, and I plan on searching grants and scholarships and maybe we could do this this year, maybe even by summer, but we'll see....

DH and I considered our five options very carefully:
1. Live child free
2. Continue trying naturally
3. Injectibles/IUI
4. IVF
5. Adoption

We decided that living child free was not an option, so we crossed those off.  We also decided that continuing to try naturally was the same as choosing to live child free, so that option is not available either.  For the cost and the chance injectibles and IUI doesn't make much sense.  I would actually try a round if I had any coverage for it, but since I don't, I mean a few of those is one IVF cycle.  So that leaves us with IVF and adoption.  We really want one child that is biologically ours, so for now we are looking at one IVF cycle.  If it doesn't pan out and there are no leftover embroys to do a FET (with DOR it is highly unlikely I'll have anything to freeze), then we will pursue adoption.

Until we can afford our next step, the road has ended.  No more acu as I need all that money, considering continuing with some of the supp's like the CoQ10 and inosotil for egg quality since that can help with IVF, but I can get those online.

I am sad, but I accept where I am.  I pray I can save up the money for this procedure.  My main concern is affording it and then it working.  DH is only concerned about the leftover embryos.  I tried explaining that my world is diff, there's not going to be any left over most likely.  He's picturing twins and tons of eggs in storage.  I told him no, I'm lucky to get one baby out of all of this.  By definition of what's wrong I won't have any left over, maybe, just maybe one or two, but that's a very unlikely scenario.  In any event, we did agree that we would see all embryos through, meaning we would do FET's in the future (my RE will only do two at a time) and give them all a chance.  We could never destroy them our donate them, so that is our choice.

I also realized that right now the earliest I'll be a mom is when I'm 33 because I can't save up that kind of money by March.  Of course, I am aware that miracles happen everyday and I know I "could" conceive naturally, but it isn't very likely and I'd rather save and find out I don't need it, then not save and have no options.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Well, it's here

CD 1, of course!  My temps still seemed high yesterday, I mean a big drop meaning I knew it was over, but still much higher than when AF starts, but she came yesterday afternoon.  Today is CD 1 since it was in the afternoon and pretty light flow, today she's here with a vengeance   I feel kinda screwed 

I had my hopes falsely up, then AF does come, but one day too early for me to probably do anything with RE, since I'll be CD 4 when I see him.  I just keep telling myself that at least there's hope for 2013, but I don't honestly feel hope.  I started this journey when I was 30 years old, I just turned 32.  I'm LESS likely to be pregnant now than I was at 30.  I have DOR (diminished ovarian reserve), in the past few months I've seen very little success among other DOR women.  I've seen 3 failed IVFs, countless of failed IUIs, triggers, pills, etc.  I've seen two m/c's among DOR women.  I've seen only two success stories to be perfectly honest one was someone who gave up and took a "break" after doing several medicated cycles with no result and the other had just gotten the dx and was finishing her cycle to start up on meds when her BFP arrived.  So, the two success stories I did see were no medical intervention.  I've done no medical intention for 22 cycles, just started #23.  I am so scared this just won't work and I'm so scared of that thought.  Can I really fathom not being a mom?  Can I really accept that it just won't happen?

This is messing with my life.  I'm not the same person anymore and I feel it on the inside.  I feel broken, I'm having issues with my husband because this is all tied up into sex and I feel unattractive nd ugly.  I feel like I'm ruining my husband's life even though he tells me I make his world.  I can't even explain how I feel right now.  I am taking a break right now, I gave DH my OPKs, BBT, and HPTs to hide away from me for this cycle.  He looked sad when he took the bag which messed with my head more.  Does he want this baby more ethan he wants me?  He told me yesterday the worst thing that can happen is we can adopt and he said it's not that bad.  I know the process isn't as easy as it looks and I know it sounds selfish, but I just have the deep seeded desire to see a piece of me and DH in my child.

Monday, December 17, 2012

Thanks!

Thank you everyone for commented, especially for being truthful with me.  See, I don't ever test because I hate to see the BFN.  I only tested because it was my birthday and you know how much you just pray to see the lines.  I had a feeling it was just off and I am taking something to extend my LP plus my chart is confusing as anything.

In any event, it was as we thought and it's coming back down.  I'm thinking CD 1 might be tomorrow or Wed, which puts me at CD 2 or 3 with the RE, yay!  I had a comment about how the RE may not start me on treatment because they like to test.  I've actually been getting tested with the RE, so my last blood workup on everything was just in October, so I think there may be a chance that they would do CD 2 or 3 workups and just start me on something, but we'll see....

Sunday, December 16, 2012

Annoyed.....

Alright, I hesitate to post this because I'm not a fan of having any kind of "false" hope.  I don't like believing something or hoping for something that isn't true.  I'm honest with myself even if I don't like it.  This is why I'm not posting this on BBC, but on my blog instead.  I hope any comments I receive are people being honest and not just wishing the best for me.

Let me start with, I'm not actually 100% sure what day I O'd.  I went with CD 11 based on body signs and the way I felt.  It's possible I O'd CD 12 and FF actually thought I O'd CD 13.  I believe I saw my acu on CD 13 (I originally thought it was CD 12, but it was 13) and he told me that I did O and he thought it was CD 12.

So, what's the problem?  If I O'd CD 11, AF is due today.  If I O'd CD 12, AF is due Monday.  If I O'd CD 13, AF is due Tuesday.  AF is not here today.  My temp isn't even low today.  It's actually pretty high for me.  I did POAS this morning and, BFN.  I am actually pretty sure it's the progesterone my acu gave me.  I did shoot him an email asking if I should stop it and let my body get this over with, but he told me not to quit yet and to keep taking it until 15 DPO.  Of course, what is 15 DPO?  Is it Tuesday or Thursday?

I know there'a  chance I could be pregnant, but I honestly and truly don't think so.  I am mad there's still some tiny hope in my heart that the HCG just wasn't enough for it to pick up this morning. For the last 4 or 5 days I've had very bad cramps, very typical before AF for me.  My boobs are not very sore.  There is nothing else noteworthy.

If anyone wants to take a crack at my chart, def go for it.  I have no idea how to post the actual pic of my chart, so I will go ahead and post the link to it.  Please, no false hope guys.

Oh, my RE date got moved up to Friday, so I'm kinda hoping if this isn't a BFP, that AF comes Tues and then Fri would be 3 DPO and maybe I could start on Femara or something.

CHART

Thursday, December 13, 2012

It's not fucking fair!

This morning while driving to work and experiencing horrible cramps and watching my temp drop this morning I just started crying at how unfair all of this is.  I am so fucking pissed off and angry about this.  I am so scared that treatments won't work.  I am so terrified that I am really and truly never going to be a mom.  Hell, I was wishing some big vehicle would just crash into me and finish me off.

I thought I'd make a list of everything that wasn't fucking fair to hopefully get it out of my system and move on.

It's not fucking fair that:

1. I spent years making sure I was ready to be a mom, only to go through this shit. I knew my spouse for years before getting married.  Once married I stayed that way for years to make sure it was a good marriage.  That I went to college and then graduate school so that I could provide a better life for my baby.  That I bought the house I specifically did because I envisioned, baby, todder, child, and teen in it and now this shit.

2. That every fucking yeyhoo in my family can get knocked up at the drop of a hat, but not me.

3. That I met the most incredible women ever not on a birth board, but in an IF forum.  NONE of us should have to deal with this.  It's not fucking fair for anyone.

4. That the women on said IF forum spend years and money and everything just for the chance to become moms and once they do, most of them lose it.  It breaks my heart that 5 women I knew were due to have babies in July and now only two of them still will.  I feel like the most stupid, selfish bitch ever for feeling sorry for myself that I might not be pregnant in July when they lost their babies. God my heart breaks for them.

5. That my husband I work to pay taxes that go to people who didn't think or care before having kids and now they get money to support them, while the private insurance I PAY for doesn't even help cover the opportunity for me to be a mom.  I'm not asking anything be given to me, but I am asking that health insurance help cover the basics of what makes me a woman.  I work hard and I pay for this insurance.  It's not too much to ask.

6. That although I'm glad I'm seeing a RE soon (20 days!!), I can only afford a few treatments, so if it doesn't work, that's it, my chance is gone.  I might really never get to be a mom.

7. That a fucking tornado hit my stupid rental house last spring and the insurance company were a-holes who didn't help fix it, and now it's facing foreclosure because I couldn't afford to fix it.  Due to this foreclosure I cannot get any kind of financing for IF treatments. 

8. That the reason the fucking house was a rental property in the first place was because the inspector did a crappy job and didn't catch the foundation problem BEFORE we bought the house and we didn't have 20k laying around to fix the foundation before trying to sell it, therefore we were unable to sell it.  It was an FHA loan with an FHA inspector, beyond pissed off about this.

9. That this list doesn't matter.  At the end of the day I have to accept what is and that's that I'm an infertile woman desperate to be a mom and scared it won't happen.  What if it doesn't work?  What if I can't afford enough treatments?

10.  That Chase died before I was ever ready to let him go.  That cat was always there for me no matter what bad happened in my life and now I need him more than ever, but I can't even have him again. 

11.  That some women can do drugs, drink, sleep around, having nothing stable to offer a child conceive and keep their babies, while I'm scared of the fucking cup of coffee I am drinking.


I'm PMSing pretty bad, so yeah, I'm pissed off and upset today.  Yes, I knew this cycle would fail, but actually failing it doesn't make it any easier.  Seeing women I care about who did so much and waited so long to have a baby lose theirs while undeserving women pop them out like pez dispensers breaks my heart.  I want to hug each one of them and let them know how much I care and how angry I am that this happened.  That I pray to God they all conceve again soon with sticky rainbow babies.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

7 DPO

So, yesterday was 7 DPO and I had my progesterone taken.  This cycle has been a bit quirky for me since I kind of O'd out of nowhere on what appeared to be CD 11.  CD 12 was a +OPK, but a strong temp rise and it went on from there.  When I saw my acu on CD 12 at 2:00pm he could tell from the feel of my uterus that I'd O'd already.  So, CD 11 is my O date.

I got my results for my progesterone test and it was 11.8.  Very close to last cycle.  I've had some symptoms, the sore boobs, of course, and then tired.  Yesterday was the sorest my boobs felt and also the most tired I felt, but I did work 11 hours and wake up an hour before my alarm, so that could be as much to blame as anything.

So, in keepin track with my progesterone.  Last cycle was the first time I tried the liquid drops my acu gave me and it was 11.4, so very close to where it is now.  The cycle before it was 8.7, so the drops are definitely helping.

AF is due Sunday, so expecting her to come this weekend.  Today was a giant temp drop.  I actually do not usually make it to the AF date on FF.  My RE appt is on 1/2/13, while I was initially dreading it, I'm more hopeful now and praying that something simple and easy does the trick.

As for license plates, we have BFP-44 and BFN-37

Thursday, December 6, 2012

July

I know a lot of people both online and in real life that have recently found out they are pregnant.  All these people have one thing in common: They are all due in July.  I am happy for my friends who are pregnant because the real life ones I consider to be pretty good freinds and the online ones I consider not only good freinds, but hope that even with IF there can be a tomorrow and a baby.

I have my good days and bad days.  Days where I ask how things are going and want to absorb pregnancy as the outsider looking in.  Then there's the bad days.  The days where I just cry and cry and cry, because lets face it.  In July they are all going to be mothers and where will I be?  Will I even be pregnant?  I have to face the honest truth that I might not be. 

With the women who dealt with IF and are now pregnant, we still keep in touch becuase they don't feel part of the new club yet, they don't relate to other pregnant women yet, and while I know things will be fine for them, there's still the fear of the uncertainty 'cuase there is no control over what happens.  I am confident things will progress nice though and they will feel more and more comfortable with the "other side".

So, what happens in July?  What happens when they cross over from propsective moms to real mom's?  I imagine if I'm pregnant since I'll be joining them soon, they will be happy to cont talking to me.  What if I am not?  How will they feel about me and me about them?  What will happen?  Will the friendship dissolve because clearly I am not joining the new club?  I don't know why I'm worrired about this now, but I was talking on the phone with a friend who is due on July 4th and it just struck me.  July will also be two years of TTC, though I meausure my personal count by cycles, currently on 22.

So, what about this cycle?  I have no idea when I ovulated.  I do know that I did.  I think ti was either Monday or Tuesday.  I saw my acu at 2:00pm yesterday and he could tell I'd already O'd from the warmth of my uterus.  You are more than welcome to stalk the chart and share your opinion.  At least since I O'd early in my cycle AF won't start on my birthday, but a couple of days into it.  Maybe that's the way God intended so it won't hurt so bad. 

http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/367a2d

Monday, December 3, 2012

It's that time again.....

Well, here I am CD 11.  I typically start with OPKs on CD 10.  I actually used to start right after AF since I used to O around CD 9 or 10, but since acu, that hasn't happened, so I now start CD 10 since I typically O anywhere from CD 12-15.  Last few cycles it's been CD 14 or 15, so while I tested this morning, I was really expecting to see a darker line, not a screaming positive.  However, that's what it was.  A blaring, unmistakable + OPK at CD 11.  Digi was done to confirm and it did.

My first feeling was panic.  Uh, oh, am I ovulating today?  I used to O on +OPK day, but this was back before acu.  I freaked out on a thread I'm pretty active in and then as I was driving to work I felt calmer.  I won't O today, I feel O pain, and there was none this morning.  I'll O either tomorrow or Wednesday.

As those of you who've been following know, I've had a bit of a license plate obsession.  Okay, I'd be lying if it was new.  I've noticed them since I was a kid.  However, the plethora of BFP/BFN plates is incredible right now.  I started keeping track of what I saw starting CD 1 of my cycle.  I'm making a game for myself to see how many BFP vs. BFN plates I see in a cycle.  To me this is akin to when I'd actually pick flowers and do he loves me/loves me not with my then-boyfriend (um, he loved me, as we're married now, LOL!!)  So, here's my current count: BFP = 8 and BFN = 5.  My day did start with a BFP plate and ended with one too as DH and I took a walk before BD.

I don't want to have hope this will work out.  This cycle will end on my birthday and I don't want to deal with my birthday OR AF, much less both of them together.  However, somewhere in me there is hope.  I just can't help, but have it.  I know it's improbably and not likely, but it's still there.  The good thing about hope is it keeps you going, the bad thing is when it doesn't work out and it crushes you.