Thursday, December 13, 2012

It's not fucking fair!

This morning while driving to work and experiencing horrible cramps and watching my temp drop this morning I just started crying at how unfair all of this is.  I am so fucking pissed off and angry about this.  I am so scared that treatments won't work.  I am so terrified that I am really and truly never going to be a mom.  Hell, I was wishing some big vehicle would just crash into me and finish me off.

I thought I'd make a list of everything that wasn't fucking fair to hopefully get it out of my system and move on.

It's not fucking fair that:

1. I spent years making sure I was ready to be a mom, only to go through this shit. I knew my spouse for years before getting married.  Once married I stayed that way for years to make sure it was a good marriage.  That I went to college and then graduate school so that I could provide a better life for my baby.  That I bought the house I specifically did because I envisioned, baby, todder, child, and teen in it and now this shit.

2. That every fucking yeyhoo in my family can get knocked up at the drop of a hat, but not me.

3. That I met the most incredible women ever not on a birth board, but in an IF forum.  NONE of us should have to deal with this.  It's not fucking fair for anyone.

4. That the women on said IF forum spend years and money and everything just for the chance to become moms and once they do, most of them lose it.  It breaks my heart that 5 women I knew were due to have babies in July and now only two of them still will.  I feel like the most stupid, selfish bitch ever for feeling sorry for myself that I might not be pregnant in July when they lost their babies. God my heart breaks for them.

5. That my husband I work to pay taxes that go to people who didn't think or care before having kids and now they get money to support them, while the private insurance I PAY for doesn't even help cover the opportunity for me to be a mom.  I'm not asking anything be given to me, but I am asking that health insurance help cover the basics of what makes me a woman.  I work hard and I pay for this insurance.  It's not too much to ask.

6. That although I'm glad I'm seeing a RE soon (20 days!!), I can only afford a few treatments, so if it doesn't work, that's it, my chance is gone.  I might really never get to be a mom.

7. That a fucking tornado hit my stupid rental house last spring and the insurance company were a-holes who didn't help fix it, and now it's facing foreclosure because I couldn't afford to fix it.  Due to this foreclosure I cannot get any kind of financing for IF treatments. 

8. That the reason the fucking house was a rental property in the first place was because the inspector did a crappy job and didn't catch the foundation problem BEFORE we bought the house and we didn't have 20k laying around to fix the foundation before trying to sell it, therefore we were unable to sell it.  It was an FHA loan with an FHA inspector, beyond pissed off about this.

9. That this list doesn't matter.  At the end of the day I have to accept what is and that's that I'm an infertile woman desperate to be a mom and scared it won't happen.  What if it doesn't work?  What if I can't afford enough treatments?

10.  That Chase died before I was ever ready to let him go.  That cat was always there for me no matter what bad happened in my life and now I need him more than ever, but I can't even have him again. 

11.  That some women can do drugs, drink, sleep around, having nothing stable to offer a child conceive and keep their babies, while I'm scared of the fucking cup of coffee I am drinking.


I'm PMSing pretty bad, so yeah, I'm pissed off and upset today.  Yes, I knew this cycle would fail, but actually failing it doesn't make it any easier.  Seeing women I care about who did so much and waited so long to have a baby lose theirs while undeserving women pop them out like pez dispensers breaks my heart.  I want to hug each one of them and let them know how much I care and how angry I am that this happened.  That I pray to God they all conceve again soon with sticky rainbow babies.

5 comments:

  1. I understand each and every single thing you just listed. The feeling of getting kicked while "hell, we're down, stop kicking us!" is the mentality, that at least I feel. This is hard. This is harder than I ever expected on so many levels. We live in a condo that we can't sell because we bought it new construction before the market crashed. I have 3 flipping cats, because I kept trying to replace Harley, my "chase". (I don't recommend that btw, nothing replaces them--you just end up with 3 non-Harley cats, lol!) I wish we had met over different circumstances, but I'm also glad we're in this together. No one will be happier when you get your BFP. Rooting for you all the way. I hope that the fertility clinic will work with you on financing regardless of the foreclosure. Big big hugs to you on this tough day, my friend.

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  2. AWESOME list!! Rant away!!! You just said everything that most women who are IF are thinking every single time AF shows up. As if it isn't enough to not be PG, now we have to deal with hormones, cramps, bloating, aches, pains, pads and tampons. UGH!!! I understand the impatience waiting for your RE appointment. I hope you LOVE your doc and he/she is exactly who you need to be seeing! Go have a glass of wine and watch some Big Bang Theory! ;-)

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  3. I can't say much other to say it is fucking unfair. Ditto.

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  4. 1. I fucking love your use of the word "fucking" in this post. I feel it's beyond appropriate for how many of us feel.

    2. You have every right to feel however you feel no matter what anyone else is dealing with or feeling. It doesn't make your pain any less.

    3. I agree with every fucking thing you said, and I fucking hate that so many undeserving, uncaring people get pregnant and get to keep it.

    4. I love you and wish that I could make you pregnant just as much as you wish you could give me back my baby. We don't deserve this bullshit. It's fucking stupid.

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  5. I could have not put that list any better. Your not alone on having all those thoughts. I cant stand seeing ppl popping kids left and right and they dont take care of them. They had them over for someone else to take care and then want to complain their child is attached to that person more than them. Smh!

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