Let me start by wishing everyone a very Merry Christmas! No matter where you are in your journey and how you are feeling this holiday season I hope for just a little bit, there is peace in your heart and a moment to reflect all that you have.
I've made no secret of how hard this month has been this year. Truthfully, this is a hard month every year. There is so much that seems to go between Thanksgiving and Christmas I usually feel like I struggle to keep up. I'm the kind of person who's favorite day is Groundhog's Day, like from the movie. I like knowing and expecting what will happen, I like feeling like I have control. For one month of the year I feel that gets taken away from me and it exposes my weakness and my fears. I usually put up my tree, decorate, celebrate, get gifts done ahead of time, wrap them, put stockings out for the cats, I usually do one personalized ornament for who is currently in my household (aka pets and us). This year I just couldn't do it. I did stick my tree up. Never decorated it or even put the skirt on it. I only half-fluffed it. I stuck it back in the box a couple of days ago. Only today did I finish wrapping and celebrating tonight at my mom's.
However, with the amazing ladies on a special thread of BBC, I am doing better. I baked a nice christmas tree cake and decorated it. Made deviled eggs. I am feeling at peace and enjoying my many blessings, my beautiful home, my health and that of my family, the love my husband and I share, the fact that we both have jobs, just many things. I am finding peace for today and hopefully tomorrow and I am glad about that.
I made a phone call to a second clinic today. Their success rates are better than my current clinic. As sad as the rates were, in comparison to all the other clinics in the area, the one I go to is only worst than one other one. Anyways, I've scheduled a consult for 1/7/13. I plan to get my medical records from the first RE's office and bring it to them. I want to know his opinion and what he has to say about everything. That same day, from 6-9 I found an information seminar on adoption. Private adoption based on a sliding scale of income and also adoption from foster care. DH and I are scared of that road, but we need to explore it's possibility so we plan to go and see what it's about. I did read that even if we started on the process, it would be nine months to a year before all the requirements would be fulfilled. We might start going towards it and see if a miracle will happen in the mean time. I don't know. We haven't made any decisions yet, except to explore our options and go from there.
Back in 2005 we bought a house. Due to them handing out houses to everyone, our inspection wasn't properly done though it was an FHA loan with with down payment and everything. It turns out we had a pretty bad foundation problem. We moved near family in 2009 and were unable to sell the home due to the problem and repairs are about 20k. We rented the house and bought a new one. Last spring, a tornado hit the area and went through the backyard. It did much damage to the house. Unfortunately insurance played games with us and refused to give us enough money for all the repairs and the house is unlivable without them. Without a rental income or the ability to fix up the house we cannot pay two mortgages and the house is now in foreclosure Because of this, our credit is ruined and I tried getting a loan this weekend for IVF, but was denied due to everything. While my body may respond to medical treatment, I may honestly not be able to afford it and it's something I need to accept and deal with.
Anyways, here is where I stand today. Thinking of you all and wishing you a very blessed and Merry Christmas.