Monday, December 24, 2012

Looking ahead

Let me start by wishing everyone a very Merry Christmas!  No matter where you are in your journey and how you are feeling this holiday season I hope for just a little bit, there is peace in your heart and a moment to reflect all that you have.

I've made no secret of how hard this month has been this year.  Truthfully, this is a hard month every year.  There is so much that seems to go between Thanksgiving and Christmas I usually feel like I struggle to keep up.  I'm the kind of person who's favorite day is Groundhog's Day, like from the movie.  I like knowing and expecting what will happen, I like feeling like I have control.  For one month of the year I feel that gets taken away from me and it exposes my weakness and my fears.  I usually put up my tree, decorate, celebrate, get gifts done ahead of time, wrap them, put stockings out for the cats, I usually do one personalized ornament for who is currently in my household (aka pets and us).  This year I just couldn't do it.  I did stick my tree up.  Never decorated it or even put the skirt on it.  I only half-fluffed it.  I stuck it back in the box a couple of days ago.  Only today did I finish wrapping and celebrating tonight at my mom's.

However, with the amazing ladies on a special thread of BBC, I am doing better.  I baked a nice christmas tree cake and decorated it.  Made deviled eggs.  I am feeling at peace and enjoying my many blessings, my beautiful home, my health and that of my family, the love my husband and I share, the fact that we both have jobs, just many things.  I am finding peace for today and hopefully tomorrow and I am glad about that.

I made a phone call to a second clinic today.  Their success rates are better than my current clinic.  As sad as the rates were, in comparison to all the other clinics in the area, the one I go to is only worst than one other one.  Anyways, I've scheduled a consult for 1/7/13.   I plan to get my medical records from the first RE's office and bring it to them.  I want to know his opinion and what he has to say about everything.  That same day, from 6-9 I found an information seminar on adoption.  Private adoption based on a sliding scale of income and also adoption from foster care. DH and I are scared of that road, but we need to explore it's possibility so we plan to go and see what it's about.  I did read that even if we started on the process, it would be nine months to a year before all the requirements would be fulfilled.  We might start going towards it and see if a miracle will happen in the mean time.  I don't know.  We haven't made any decisions yet, except to explore our options and go from there.

Back in 2005 we bought a house.  Due to them handing out houses to everyone, our inspection wasn't properly done though it was an FHA loan with with down payment and everything.  It turns out we had a pretty bad foundation problem.  We moved near family in 2009 and were unable to sell the home due to the problem and repairs are about 20k.  We rented the house and bought a new one.  Last spring, a tornado hit the area and went through the backyard.  It did much damage to the house.  Unfortunately insurance played games with us and refused to give us enough money for all the repairs and the house is unlivable without them.  Without a rental income or the ability to fix up the house we cannot pay two mortgages and the house is now in foreclosure   Because of this, our credit is ruined and I tried getting a loan this weekend for IVF, but was denied due to everything.  While my body may respond to medical treatment, I may honestly not be able to afford it and it's something I need to accept and deal with.

Anyways, here is where I stand today.  Thinking of you all and wishing you a very blessed and Merry Christmas.


  1. I'm sorry this season finds you struggling. It makes me so sad that infertility puts such a financial burden on people. I feel like the emotional battle is enough! Then when paired with the financial part ... It's just plain old. Not fair. I hope you are able to find some peace and joy. Glad I stumbled upon your blog!

  2. Blah on the housing market and all of your troubles with that. You are definitely not alone in the unexpected happening in that arena. While it may have done a number on your credit I hope you can at least enjoy being able to simplify life. I totally understand. My lifelong goal of building perfect credit wiped my 850 FICO down to God knows what now after a short sale. I wouldn't dare even apply for a loan myself. I totally get how that can make a person feel. I am however, enjoying NOT getting phonecalls from tenants with problems! I hope that you guys will find some way to start saving, maybe get good tax returns, etc.

    Also glad you got into the holiday spirit a little yesterday! I know it's a hard day, but you are right...we have a lot to be thankful for. It can always be worse, even if it doesn't feel like it sometimes.

  3. I'm so sorry you have to deal with the financial burden of your old home on top of all of this. We bought a new construction condo in 2005 that we're still stuck with because the value dropped so much. I want a house so bad but we can't get rid of where we are. The housing market effected so many people. It's just awful. I'm sorry that this is effecting your ability for financing and hope you can figure out a way around that in order try whatever medically possible. If you do move to adoption, my BF will be the first to tell you that the little girl she has was worth every IF obstacle she went through and is meant to be with them. She wouldn't trade her for the world. Merry Christmas. Thinking of ya today.

  4. Aw, you survived Amber!!! I don't know what I'd do with you either. :) It was a rough but we got through it.

    So sorry about the housing issues... that stinks. I know you will find a way through this too. You are resourceful and clever and there is always a way.