Monday, December 31, 2012

New Year's Eve

I apologize for my last rant in my blog, after one of my visit's today, I just couldn't help it.  Now back to the meaning of today.

New Year's Eve

Ah, I remember this day so well a year ago.  I had just been diagnosed with DOR and was sad and scared, however, also hopeful.  I thought with an answer will finally come my baby.  I was hurting, but still had hope.  It was a mixed day as I celebrated with all the neighbors and some close friends.  We put a projector on the garage and watched a movie and had drinks and pot luck.  If you could see the projector, you were invited. Didn't matter who came.  We popped fireworks, laughed, got drunk, and had a blast.  I was two doors down from my house, so no driving.  The new year brought me dietary changes, herbs, supplements, and acupuncture later that spring and the hope of a dream come true.

Now it's a year later.  I sit here with the same diagnosis and the same answer I was given a year ago. IVF.  It's not IVF I'm opposed to, I honestly do not know how to fund it.  I've had some amazing people give me liks to websites where women sell other women their leftover drugs at a fraction of a price.  Applications to grants for IVF and while there are no clinical trials going on where I can get to them, I will continue looking.  I do have an appt with another RE one week from today as well as an adoption information session.  I have no expectations of 2013, no idea if I will be a mom or even close to being one a year from now.  I only know that I will go one day at a time with the information that I have and pray.  Pray for what, I actually no longer know either.  Do I pray to find a way to fund IVF?  Do I pray that maybe this new doctor will say injectibles?  Do I pray that will work?  Do I pray that I feel more open and excited about adoption?   Do I pray for the desire of children to just leave me?  Do I pray for the strength to deal with friends who are currently pregnant and those who will become pregnant in 2013?

This evening will be different from last year.  It's going to be just my husband and I.  We will eat pizza, watch movies, play boardgames, and bring in the new year together.  I will be okay this year no matter what because in the end he is my everything and we are together.

3 comments:

  1. I love this post Amber! So many options. Yes, pray for strength. This is always a good thing. I'm praying that all your dreams come true in 2013. :)

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  2. I say just talk to God, ask him to reveal the desires of your heart and to make those desires come true. We did pretty much the same thing this evening...except there was more wine :) I got beat in Just Dance 4 (kinect version) and it was so much fun! Now hubby and I are winding down :)

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  3. "I will be okay this year no matter what because in the end he is my everything and we are together." YEP! Don't forget that! I went to bed last night reading a text from my friend who just lost her soul mate in an auto accident a couple weeks ago and had to ring in the new year without him. I'm not saying to forget about your feelings or the need to validate your desire to have children. I would never do that. I am just like you....trying to remind myself that it could be worse and try to be grateful for what I do have. I really think being grateful is the key to helping those things multiply, so going to try REALLY HARD this year to focus on that. Hoping that 2013 is better for us both Amber!

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