Sunday, December 30, 2012

Random thoughts....

I just have a lot of random stuff floating through my head.  A blog is for those types of things, right?

So, I'm on a break cycle.  on CD 1, I gave DH my BBT, OPKs, everything.  I thought I'd start wondering where they are, but not at all.  Hell, I may never ask for them again.  We'll see....  So, the benefits of being on break.  For the most part I did lost track of what CD I was on.  I say for the most part, because while I haven't been on FF really, I did notice a lot of O pain and thought it seems a bit early. Of course it's a bit early.... This cycle O was CD 10 or 11, ugh!!  Progesterone symptoms starting to feel later in the day on CD 12 and full force on today, CD 13.  So, since I am on break I notice O pain and then there's the whole "what do I do about this".  I know there's no BFP for me.  No way an egg is full matured or fully anything at this point.  However, there's the "what if...." I figured would be nagging in my head.  I decide I'm just going to hit on DH.  Whatever happens, happens.  If he's like lets DTD then game on, if he's like nah, then that's fine too.  No mention to him of O pain and I've never not told him before.  So....  I initiate and he accepts and we have a really good time, other than the pain in my ovary that is.  But I just relax and have a good time with my amazing husband on CD 10.  Then CD 11, I can still feel some of that ovary pain, not sure if it's too late or not, but I figure I'll hit on him again and see what happens....  Well, another good time.  I have to tell you, my DH is pretty on board with TTC and yes there's been some BD frustrations, but on the whole the man does what he needs to do when he needs to do it.  This not telling him, was so much fun, I must admit.  So, yesterday we're talking about baby stuff...  'cause well, I seem to have no other thought in my head anymore.  And he's like, what do we do about ovulation and stuff this time?  I'm like, oh that's over now.  He's like over?  I'm like, yep, noticed I was ovulating, I was horny  I jumped on you, we had fun.  He was like really?  He was like that was awesome.  I'm like yeah, way too early in my cycle though, so seriously doubt anything, but at least when AF comes I would have known the timing was right. Hmmm, might start doing this sort of BD and if he refuses when I initiate then I might mention we kinda need to.  In trying to keep positive, which I feel no positivity whatsoever, this means that when I see the new RE on 1/7, I will be around CD 1 or very close to it, so maybe they want to do some testing or something and I don't really have to wait.  Most of the reason why I feel so negative is financial.  I just don't know how to afford any kind of RE treatments.  If money were no option, I'd like one injectibles cycles to see how I respond, and then IVF.

Another thought through my head is how much less patience I have with poor parenting.  I'm not talking buying McDonald's for dinner, I'm talking about crappy ass parenting.  Mainly mine.  My mom does the best she can, we can debate on how much that is, but she does make the effort.  My dad....  He doesn't even try or really care.  Long story short, this is a man who gave his kids up for adoption to our step father because my mom was going to sue him for back owed child support and maybe jail time or something.  Not sure, I was barely a teenager.  This step father is now in prison for pedophilia if this explains anything of how that went.  Anyways.... I reconnect with him when I start college. He is very I miss my kids I made a horrible choice and have been depressed, blah, blah, blah.  So...  He comes to America to try and make it up to us, only he doesn't.  Long story short (and I really am trying to make this short), he never ever remembers my birthday.  When I told him I was infertile a few months ago, he's like oh, I was wondering when you were gonna have kids and keeps on eating.  He has no idea what I do for a living, where I work, or anything.  I've been trying to do the right thing but when he forgot my birthday, AGAIN, I just said this is enough.  The birth of one of his children was so insignificant that it's not worth remembering.  That when he does remember, always a few days later before my brother's bday, he leaves me a half-ass voice mail about "pleading for forgiveness . He's never forgotten the bdays of my sister or brother, just mine.  My brother and I have bdays 5 days apart.  Now he has some new g/f he wants me to meet and I just don't care.  He calls me, which when do I see you?  I want you to meet her.  I'm like why?  I told him I was busy.  I'm just over it.  Part of me feels like a bad daughter the other part of me is just so fucking angry.  Why the hell does this SOB get 3 perfectly good, healthy, nice children?  Why don't I get one baby?  WHY?????

DH likes to make things out of clay and he made me a gorgeous rose and painted it and everything   He gives it to me and I look at him and I'm like, I may really honestly never be able to give you children, are you really okay with staying married to me?  Are you really sure you want me?  I am so broken, from my bouts of depression in the past to this now.  He asks, lets reverse it, my sperm is bad, I can't give you the child, do you care?  I go, no, you are my heart and soul and I can't trade that for anything.  We'd just find another way.  And he goes, this is how I feel about you.  Please stop talking about you hope some car kills you or divorce or anything.  He says you hurt my feelings when you do this.  We are a team and we will get through this.  I'm finally like, okay.

I've seen this with other IF couples too, our love is so strong for each other.  And I am so incredibly lucky.  If someone held out a beautiful newborn of mine and my DH and said "choose one", there's no doubt what I would pick in my life.  This is a man who loved me when we were just high school kids and I clearly had "issues", who loved me when I weighed over 300 lbs thanks to anti depressants, who supported me through ever single thing I've wanted to do. Who loved me even though I can't love myself.  Who will never leave my side.  This is a man I will do anything and everything for.  I just hope, somehow, someway I can give this amazing man a baby.

3 comments:

  1. You will Amber! It will happen to you and your journey is far from over. Your dh sounds amazing but remember that you are just as amazing to him as he is to you. Big hugs and thinking of you....

    Sorry about your dad too...that sucks. There are no words but as I told my dh when he was complaining about his dad recently, just use his failures as lessons to learn and not repeat. Not that you needed the lesson of how to not abandon your children. :)

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  2. I nearly broke down when I read your post. Lately, I've been in the same gloomy place. I am praying that 2013 is your year to have your little miracle. You deserve it Amber!

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  3. Right when I feel like I'm the only one in the world feeling so disheartened, I'm reminded that I'm not alone. I'm wishing you many hugs today and much happiness and joy in 2013. I truly hope this is the year that you get your family. xo

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