Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Well, it's here

CD 1, of course!  My temps still seemed high yesterday, I mean a big drop meaning I knew it was over, but still much higher than when AF starts, but she came yesterday afternoon.  Today is CD 1 since it was in the afternoon and pretty light flow, today she's here with a vengeance   I feel kinda screwed 

I had my hopes falsely up, then AF does come, but one day too early for me to probably do anything with RE, since I'll be CD 4 when I see him.  I just keep telling myself that at least there's hope for 2013, but I don't honestly feel hope.  I started this journey when I was 30 years old, I just turned 32.  I'm LESS likely to be pregnant now than I was at 30.  I have DOR (diminished ovarian reserve), in the past few months I've seen very little success among other DOR women.  I've seen 3 failed IVFs, countless of failed IUIs, triggers, pills, etc.  I've seen two m/c's among DOR women.  I've seen only two success stories to be perfectly honest one was someone who gave up and took a "break" after doing several medicated cycles with no result and the other had just gotten the dx and was finishing her cycle to start up on meds when her BFP arrived.  So, the two success stories I did see were no medical intervention.  I've done no medical intention for 22 cycles, just started #23.  I am so scared this just won't work and I'm so scared of that thought.  Can I really fathom not being a mom?  Can I really accept that it just won't happen?

This is messing with my life.  I'm not the same person anymore and I feel it on the inside.  I feel broken, I'm having issues with my husband because this is all tied up into sex and I feel unattractive nd ugly.  I feel like I'm ruining my husband's life even though he tells me I make his world.  I can't even explain how I feel right now.  I am taking a break right now, I gave DH my OPKs, BBT, and HPTs to hide away from me for this cycle.  He looked sad when he took the bag which messed with my head more.  Does he want this baby more ethan he wants me?  He told me yesterday the worst thing that can happen is we can adopt and he said it's not that bad.  I know the process isn't as easy as it looks and I know it sounds selfish, but I just have the deep seeded desire to see a piece of me and DH in my child.

3 comments:

  1. I completely understand all of your thoughts and fears. They are also on my mind. I'm so sorry that AF showed. We can't give up. Give yourself a timeline with the RE. It is possible it only takes one egg. You're obviously a fighter and I believe that you will get your baby, I wish it were on our time table, but I still believe it will happen, for both of us. Big hug today.

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  2. So sorry that CD1 is here Amber, again! Unfortunately, we all know the feeling all too well. Please don't lose hope! I know without a doubt you will feel better after you meet with your RE on Friday and have a plan in place. It changed everything for me. I went from feeling hopeless and depressed to feeling hopeful and full of fight and drive. I knew I wanted and would do anything I could to get to mey baby. I just needed some help and the RE reminded me of that. I know you will have these same feelings, and as long as you are doing something...there is still hope!

    You are always in my thoughts and prayers!
    Hugs,
    Kara

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  3. cd 1 sucks! I know it can be fustrating when our bodies dont work the way they are suposed to. It really doesnt seem fair sometimes. I know infertility can definitely be hard on marriage. I think part of the problem is that men react differently to infertility than women do even though it affects them just as much. Of course all that bding doesnt help either, its so important to take the time to relax and be passionate and enjoy even if its not a fertile time. & I'm not trying to be gross tmi either lol its just that we all forget these things & it eventually makes our marriage hard because that sparks gone. I've been there lol. Sometimes it helped to take some time to remember what things make you FEEL beautiful & do them :)

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