Monday, January 28, 2013

My brain always knows what my heart won't believe

My brain knew that this cycle would be a failure.  It knew it early on, I produced only ONE stupid follicle on Clomid that grew way too fast, barely got my trigger done, then the IUI from hell fiasco.  Why the hell does my heart continue to hope?

My progesterone came back this morning, a mere 9.7.  That's it!  50 mg of Clomid and progesterone drops and that's the best it can do for me.  I guess I should at least be happy that my LP won't be too long and this cycle will be over.

I wish with all my heart that I could stop wanting children.  I don't want to want them anymore.  I don't want the hole in my heart, the pain that I feel, the dreams that I have, I just want it to go away.  I want to be satisfied with my amazing husband, pets, and my job.  I want to just be happy that I have friends, family, and my health, cause many people don't even have those blessings.  I want to stop this, I just want it to go away.  I don't want to feel this pain that I feel anymore.  How do I make it go away?  How do I make this stop? 

On top of getting this awesome progesterone news today, I am also sick.  I have some stupid crap that has been going around and finally landed on me.  Nothing like being sick AND sad. 

Friday, January 25, 2013

How do you feel?

Today I am 6 dpiui and I've had a few people now ask me "how I feel".  I know people want me to tell them that I feel x symptoms or I am sure I am pregnant, but the truth is I am not.  I actually feel absolutely nothing.  Usually during my LP I have sore boobs, I am tired, I break out sometimes, cramps, I just have little symptoms that usually start at 1 DPO and then go away around 9 DPO as my temp decreases and then AF comes.  My LP is typically 10-12 days with the average being 11 days. 

Right now I feel nothing.  I did have a bit of cramps at 2 dpiui and 4 dpiui, but really nothing otherwise.  No sore boobs, normal energy, face is fine, I feel exactly like I do after AF and before O.  This has never happened during my LP before.  You must be pregnant then....  Nope, actually, if it wasn't for my temps being above coverline I'd actually question whether or not i really ovulated.  If I have to really dig down and think about how I feel I have to admit with all honesty that I feel no real hope this cycle. 

I did take drugs this cycle, the clomid and Ovidrel and those affect the body, taht could be why no symptoms.  I know for sure ovidrel messes with temps and while mine have gone up, it is not much above the coverline, no that I think any of it matters.

I started testing out my trigger yesterday and there was the slightest line and then today it looked more like an indent line.  I'll do one more test tomorrow and then just wait for AF.  Since I am 7 dpiui tomorrow I plan on getting my p4 checkd as well.  I'm actually very curious because of the lack of symptoms.  I had acupuncture yesterday and mentioned it to my acu and he told me he thinks I haven't had "progesterone" symptoms, what I've had is "estrogen symptoms".  I looked up estrogen dominance.  Recently a friend mentioned it to me as well so I'd been thinking about it and would you know, most of my LP symptoms are not progeterone symptoms, but estrogen symptoms.  Hmmmm, interesting....  My acu think the clomid helped balance out my estrogen.  He is being hopeful, but I guess it's his job to be.

I guess I'm just really in a "I doubt I'm pregnant mode", but anything could happen.  I actually just wish I could stay where I am today and the days not move forward.  Today there is hope, there si a chance.  As my LP continues on and on, then the real pictures becomes more clear.

I know this isn't much of an update, but since people had been asking me I wanted to do an update rather than post my IUI experience followed by AF is here.  I'll post my progesterone results when they come in, I"m guessing Monday.

I can't believe how much support I have and people who truly care and are rooting for my BFP.  Thank you so much for those who follow and say prayers and well wishes, whether you post or not.  I am so lucky to have people like you in my life, no matter what role you play in it.

Saturday, January 19, 2013


Le me recap back to CD 9, the trigger shot day.  So, I updated you guys on my visit, then I had drama getting the trigger.  The nurse called in Ovidrel prescription that morning.  I called the pharmacy on my way home to go pick it up and see if t's ready.  I am told it's not in stock, can't be picked up until the next day at 10:00.  I tell her (crying now) that it has to be tonight, is there any way?  Any other Walgreens?  She tells me non keep it in stock.  So, I hang up and call the RE's office.  I am seriously pushing it.  They don't see people after 3:00pm and they close around 4:00, it's 4:20.  I get all these voicemails and I keep calling back trying diff extentions.  Finally, I get someone, I blurt my whole tearful story to the phone.  Lady is like, hold on, gets me a nurse.  I do it again and she says, how soon can you make it here?  I tell her with rush hour, maybe an hr. and a half?  She tells me she'll call me right back.  She calls me back and says if I can make it there by 6:00 the Walgreens in their plaza has in stock, she's already sent my prescription, they are filling it now.  I say thanks and hang up.  I call DH and tell him the tearful story.  I am almost home now and he says, I'll drive, since you are so upset.  We go get it, make it 20 min. before pharmacy closes.  The shot itself went fine.  DH did it.

So, this morning was our IUI.  Got up at the great time of 5:30 on a Saturday morning and I got dressed.  DH got dressed and I pretty much stayed away from him, as we had to leave at 6:30 to get to the clinic by 7:30 and he had to produce a sample. I am wearing my Chase necklace, wedding ring, and fertility bracelet for good luck. I had borrowed a friend's fertility God about a year ago, so I touch it before I leave.

So, we head out.  It's a pretty morning.  Sunny, but cool.  We grab a donut and some coffee and drive down.  I'm a morning person, so I am chatty, and DH is like dead, LOL.

We get there, sign in and then some guy calls us back to "check the sample".  He looks at us and says, "This isn't enough for an IUI.  We can't do it."  Are you kidding me?????  What do you mean, you can't do it??  The guy tells my DH to try and go again.  Um, a little over an hr after he made the sample.  DH is like, there is no way.  The guy looks at me and he's like, maybe she can help.  Of course I am crying right now, sexy, right?  I'm like all of this for nothing?  He's like you can still have timed intercourse.  Um, yes buddy, we've been doing that for 23 cycles already, why do you think I am here?  So, he sends us to a room to get the nurse.

Nurse comes in to talk to us and she's like, there's not a lot in there.  DH is like well, we had to BD Fri night, so this is what I can do on a day and a half. My SA was done 3 days of abstinence  maybe that's a better number of days for me. Nurse says, let me take it to the technician and see what's what.

So, she comes back and she tells us that they pulled DH's report and it looks like he has low volume for his SA too, but plenty of sperm.  They are going to try something called a "soft wash" and see what's what.  I tell her thank you, thank you, thank you!  Now I don't have to go home and cry the rest of the day.  she says, nope, no crying aloud.  You guys go have breakfast, it's going to take us about an hr. and fifteen minutes to do the wash.

Now, DH and I met in high school.  This new clinic is located right where DH and I used to live back in the day. So, we go to our Ihop we ate at 15 years ago and we reminisce on how things have change and just talk.  I'm doing a lot better and I apologize to DH for crying.  I tell him I wasn't mad at him or upset with him or anything, it was just that everything with this process is always so hard!  Why can't just one thing go okay?  The u/s finding out my egg was ready like yesterday and only one, the trigger shot drama, and now this.  DH is totally understanding and awesome and I just love him and he's talking about our future children like they are already here.

So, we get back to the clinic and here's our stats post wash:
Count-32 million
Total Motile-7.2 million

It is low, but not as bad as they thought. The motility was great.  I actually don't have a ton of hope for this cycle, but I've heard of worse things working out so I am praying.  If this doesn't work out, then I am trying to tell myself that a lot was learned about me and David this round, so the next one should go smoother.

The nurse was very positive.  She was super sweet and telling us I hope I get to be "Aunt Barb" in two weeks.  When they finished the insemination, DH asked me if I needed a cigar and the nurses laughed.  I then replied back with "Was it as good for you as it was for me?"  The nurses were just dying laughing saying they hadn't heard that one before.

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Show Time

Today is only cycle day 9.  For most of my cycles my body is ready go around this time and here we are.

I took my last Clomid pill on CD 7.  Yesterday I started feeling pain on my right side.  When I went in for my u/s this morning the nurse told me, well it's a bit early so what we expect to see is follies at about 11 or 12 inches.  I know myself. I told her I have a mature follie on my right, I can feel it.  She, of course, does an eyeroll without really doing one and says, we'll see.  Well, we saw.  I have one follicle on my right, it's 23 inches.  My lining is 8.5.  Their office wasn't really ready for all of that.  They had to confer with the RE and then call me back.  The plan is, BD tonight.  Trigger at 9:00 pm, IUI is Sat. morning at 7:30 am.

I wasn't shown how to do a trigger because they weren't expecting a mature follie on CD 9 like that, but they have a video on the website I can see and from what others told me it's 2 inches to the left or right of belly button and just stick it in.  I have no issues with needles, not a big deal.

I am disappointed that I only got one mature follie on the Clomid.  Between the timing and the follie, I feel my body has 0 reponse to Clomid.

In any event, I am praying with all my heart and soul that this works out.  It takes only one egg and one sperm.  I have the egg and it is in fact ready to go.  I'm just praying for the one sperm and that they meet, fertilize, and implant. 

If you are reading this, could you please just take a second to say a little prayer that this works for me?  Please?  Thank you!

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

SA Results

So, my husband's SA results are in.  I got part of them yesterday and was worried they were too good, meaning there's no reason on his end why I shouldn't be pregnant, giving me less hope that IUI and Clomid will work.  However, the full report came in today and now it looks like it's too bad for it to work.  I'm feeling discouraged and unsure.

The first test was done on 11/2011

Total Motile: 16.81 mil
Motility: 45.94%
Morphology: 17%

Current test, done 1/2013
Total Motile: 183 mil
Motility: 86%
Morphology: 1%

There was a note under it saying IVF with ICS recommended.  I think IUI can help with count, but not really with morph.  Deformed is deformed.  Now what?  Is any of this going to work?  Am I just denying the inevitable?  I really need to figure out how to pay for IVF, I really am starting to think  it might the only way.  Just feel super discouraged right now.  I honestly wish I could sell a kidney or something, that it was legal to do it, 'cause I really would to pay for this procedure.  I want a baby so badly it hurts.  It just hurts.  I am so sad over this.

Friday, January 11, 2013

Here we go.... cycle #24

I am currently on CD 3 and took my first Clomid pill this morning.  So far I have a headache and some hot flashes.  I am just dead tired though, so headaches might be from that, but not sure.  I am feeling pretty good about things.

Yesterday was my baseline ultrasound, I had 9 follies!! The most ever!  I know this is still very low, but for me, this was great!  No cysts or anything like that.  I am going to be fully monitored an I go in for monitoring next Thursday, CD 9, since my last Clomid pill will be CD 7.  I am really hoping and praying for at least two follies, but we'll see. AF has been great as far as AF goes.  Good flow, good color, 0 cramps (I can't believe it!!).  I just really feel like I"m off to a good start and feeling very optimistic about everything. DH had his repeat SA today too, so hoping for good news on that front as well.  All in all, feeling very optimistic.

I was kinda bad with DH though.  I was flirting, rubbing up against him, things like that last night since I knew he couldn't touch me with his SA today.  He was like "you're evil", LOL!!  I did have some fun with that, I have to admit.

I talked to the nurse about wanting to be monitored and everything and it wasn't at all a problem.  The staff has been real great, phone calls are returned, emails answered, questions answered, I feel like I get the truth when I ask questions.  They will even put me on hold to double check my file before answering my questions and I appreciate that.

I had acupuncture yesterday and caught him up on everything.  He is affiliated with my previous RE, but kept an open mind as we talked and told me that he thinks I have a great plan going and that agrees that going to IVF without having ever tried IUI probably doesn't make much sense.  He modified my supp's due to Clomid and also gave me some stuff for DH to help his counts along.

DH is feeling very upset with the previous RE, 'cause he's like had I known this a year ago we both could have taken supp's, done acu, etc and we might be parents now or at least you could be pregnant, instead we are here.  I told him I'd consider continuing to try natural, but really, with me already 32 and him 33 this month, the time just isn't there, not now.  This isn't too bad though and I hope it works out for us.  I did find myself saying things like, well next cycle we can....... and then the one after that....  and finally I told myself I need to focus on just THIS cycle and have hope that it will work.  I can plan to next ones later.

I had an interesting moment at work the other day.  I was at one of my home visits talking to a mom about the holiday went with her child.  She has two children, both with autism, I work with the younger one and only until March, when he turns 3 and starts at the school.  Anyways, she started crying.  She was telling me about her relatives who came so stay with her and brought her 18 month old who was talking and everything and she couldn't believe it.  She'd give anything for her child to talk and we spend a lot of time prompting for things he likes, such as "car".  It will take us 20-30 min. to get one "car" and this typical 18 month old was saying "car, car, car" like it was no big deal.  I felt like I could really identify, 'cause she was like and here's my child and I can't get him to do it and I don't know how or if I will.  She told me deleted her FB because she couldn't handle all the posts of what "typical" children were doing when she couldn't get her kids to do a fraction of it.  I felt a deep connection with her.  I told her I know exactly how she feels (didn't say why), but I tried comforting her and when I left I looked up all support groups in her area and sent them to her 'cause I know how hard this is alone.  I feel just like her with my IF, how do people just "have kids"?  Like it's easy? Like it just happens?  FB full of BFP announcements, bellies, things children are doing.  It kills me some days, just like her.  She was even telling me, I don't get it, I did everything right, got married, got settled, had children, etc.  Yes, I know, only too well.....  It was bittersweet to connect like that, although she doesn't know about our connection.  I know that I can't do this without the support I get though, so I think the info I sent her helped her and she texted me back a big "thank you".  I'm not sure if I described how similar it was to what I feel with IF, but hopefully anyone reading can catch the drift.

Anyways, here's to this cycle and lets hope for good things!!

Monday, January 7, 2013

I just don't know anymore.....

So, back from the second RE.  The plan is next cycle to do Clomid and IUI.  I'll call on CD 1 to do a CD 3 baseline.  CD 1 should be in the next couple of days.

So, how did it go?  I just don't know.  He reviewed the old RE's labwork and said that DH's SA was low.  We were NEVER told this.  In fact, we were told his SA was great.  Here's the numbers:

Total Number of Sperm: 36.6 Million
Motility: 45.94%
Total Motile Sperm: 16.81 Million
Morphology: 17%

From what I'm reading and what were were told, 36.9 Million should be 40 Million and 16.81 Million, should be 20 Mill.  When we asked the RE why the old one said these numbers were good, he said  oh they are for IVF and IUI, but not for TI.  So, we are very upset with the other RE.  First I find out I do have some fertility coverage through the new office and then that DH had a problem as well.  This has been wasted time and money on my part with the acu and everything.  Hell, maybe if we didn't have the pserm issues I could have gotten a BFP with acu?

Of course, the new guy doesn't have much hope in the IUI and Clomid.  He's doing it because my insurance will cover it, we haven't tried it yet, and we have no money right now for IVF.  He did tell us he thinks IVF is our best option.  He pulled the SART report to show us data on it, so I appreciated that bit.

Here's the part where I'm not sure about with this guy.  He said the way they do it is after a +OPK you go in the next day for the IUI.  I said that I've been known to ovulate the same day as IUI or very next day and he pretty much said it was impossible, that O is always 36 hours after surge.  He said when they do IVF and Injectibles it's how they time the trigger to the IUI, trigger is always 36 hours before O, that it's how it happens.  I'm very confused....  Why the temp rise the next day then?  I'm worried we might miss the timing.

Another weird thing that happened in the visit is while waiting  someone was calling DH"s name.  We turn and it's his childhood friend.  DH is like what are you doing here?  His friend is like, same as you.  Except, they've been successful, his wife got a BFP on their first Clomid/IUI cycle and she was six weeks along and there to double check everything.  I am a bit jealous, but happy for them and wish them success.  It's a small world.  They play Xbox together and had we not run into them never would have known, since these issues are not really talked about.  Kinda sad, really.

So, I guess there's a plan, but I dunno how to feel about it.  DH is very upset.  We were gonna do the adoption seminar, but just feel too down to go, so another night.  They are having it two other times this month.

Friday, January 4, 2013

Glimmer of hope

I got the most amazing news yesterday!  I can't believe it.  I was actually shaking in my car and had to calm down before I could continue driving.

I got an email from my new RE's office where I have a consult on Monday.  I emailed to make sure all the paperwork was in order for Monday and my referral and everything else.  I got a "you're good to go" along with.... "we verified your insurance and you have coverage for IUI and fertility procedures".  Um... what??  I call back immediately with please explain?  This means that IUI is covered with just a co-pay!  Clomid and maybe Femara (I was told to double check with the nurse) is also covered.  Even if Femara isn't covered, it's not very expensive, so no biggie.  All monitoring is covered.  If I did injectibles everything would be covered except the injectible meds.  I am allowed to shop around and someone private messaged me a website where women sell their leftover meds to other women for cheap and this is a very reputable site, not to mention I can check for donated meds.

What does this mean???  I can afford to try something!  I cannot believe it!!  I had considered trying a natural IUI cycle.  More for info, does my follie mature on it's own?  What size is it when it's released since it tends to happen so early.  This cycle O was CD 10 or 11 (didn't chart, went by CM, typical O pain, and then progesterone symptoms).  Also, is it my CM?  My CM does suck.  I get EWCM sometimes, usually watery, and not much of it, so would IUI help?  Then maybe I could try Clomid or Femara with IUI.  Maybe  a couple of cycles with that before moving on to injectibles.  Insurance does not cover IVF, but I'm just happy it covers the other stuff.

I'm excited, eager, and scared for my appt on Monday.  What if he says IVF only also?  I hope not.  I hope he's more optimistic about trying with the other stuff.  I hope I like him.