Monday, January 28, 2013

My brain always knows what my heart won't believe

My brain knew that this cycle would be a failure.  It knew it early on, I produced only ONE stupid follicle on Clomid that grew way too fast, barely got my trigger done, then the IUI from hell fiasco.  Why the hell does my heart continue to hope?

My progesterone came back this morning, a mere 9.7.  That's it!  50 mg of Clomid and progesterone drops and that's the best it can do for me.  I guess I should at least be happy that my LP won't be too long and this cycle will be over.

I wish with all my heart that I could stop wanting children.  I don't want to want them anymore.  I don't want the hole in my heart, the pain that I feel, the dreams that I have, I just want it to go away.  I want to be satisfied with my amazing husband, pets, and my job.  I want to just be happy that I have friends, family, and my health, cause many people don't even have those blessings.  I want to stop this, I just want it to go away.  I don't want to feel this pain that I feel anymore.  How do I make it go away?  How do I make this stop? 

On top of getting this awesome progesterone news today, I am also sick.  I have some stupid crap that has been going around and finally landed on me.  Nothing like being sick AND sad. 

8 comments:

  1. Don't give up. I need you to be in this game with me. I know how hard it is to feel like you're giving this everything you have and only come up disappointed, but there is so much left to try.

    Feel better. I hope things look brighter tomorrow. Hug!

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  2. I'm sorry babe. I feel that way sometimes too but I feel like I can't close the kids chaper till I try everything I can. Hang in there! Well do this upcoming cycle together ok?!

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  3. I'm so sorry that you're sad. This horrible roller coaster can really get us down, that's for sure. Just know that you're not alone and that there are lots of ladies who are going through the exact same thing you are. The disappointment hurts like hell, but one day when we all get our little miracles it will be so worth it. I hope you feel better soon!

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  4. I'm feeling the same way. Sick and sad. Bad combo. I hope you start to feel better in one aspect. When I'm feeling like this I try to go do something I couldn't or wouldn't do if I was pregnant or had kids. So yesterday the hubby and I went for all you can eat sushi! YUMMO!

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  5. Amber, I'm sorry that you are sad and going through this. It's time like these that it would greatly convenient to live close by so we can get together to devour our faces in comforting foods and cry together. Please don't give up but do vent. We all have are moments which is best to express than repress. We are here for you...to make you smile, catch ur tears while having a shoulder to lean on. Cyberly ofcourse;) We will all have our bundle of joy one day.

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  6. Sorry you are feeling so down. I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better. I'm really hoping that you'll get good news to say otherwise this cycle and can prove yourself wrong. Then you won't have to struggle with the feelings of wanting something that seems out of reach. I know it's SO HARD. Hang in there sweetie! You've got lots of women who love you and are supporting you. I hope you have a better day today and start feeling better soon.

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  7. Oh Amber, I am hurting that you are hurting! I had that feeling often. The feeling of just wanting the want of a baby to go away. There were so many times over the past 3 years that I was ready to give up. But I didn't. I kept moving forward, no matter how hard that was at times. And I know you will too. And let me tell you, when we are holding our babies in our arms someday, the heartache that we endured to get there will be overshadowed completely by the love we have for our baby. You are in my prayers daily. I am still praying for this cycle and hoping that a miracle can still come out of it.

    Hugs,
    Kara

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  8. Oh honey! I know exactly how you feel. This is such a painful journey. Some days bring more sorrow than others and being sick certainly doesn't help matters. I hope this day passes quickly and the sun shines on you tomorrow. I hope that you find the peace that you are seeking. I'm so sorry you're hurting!

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