Monday, February 25, 2013

Feeling like crap

I have been on Metformin for about a week now.  At first I was mildly nauseous throughout the day with intermittent stomach pains.  I was started off on 500 mg with an increase every three days.  Yesterday was my first increase to 1500 mg.  Not sure what the deal is, but last night all night I had the worst stomach cramps and pains ever.  I hardly slept at all and even this morning my stomach is killing me.  It's going to be such a long day.

Also, while I'm trying to be optimistic, I just don't have it in me.  I just feel like nothing is going to work.  I feel like I will never, ever see the two lines on an hpt.  I just feel like I'm doing all of this for nothing.  Also, with starting injectibles next cycle, I am fully aware that I am now starting to come towards the end of my journey.  You only do a couple of cycles and then you are faced with IVF.  I have no idea how on earth I'd pay for IVF and even then, it's a chance, not a guarantee.  I just feel helpless right now and like I have no control.  I feel angry that I'm even here, in this place.  I feel bitter about it as well as just sad.  I feel like my husband and I are good people, why?  Why do I turn on the news to see people kill their children  beat their children, rape their children, etc.  Why do they have babies and where is mine?  I am not perfect.  I will make mistakes, but God, I will love that baby with all my heart.

Okay, enough of that.  So, my main diagnosis is called DOR and there is a lot of controversy on what it is, what it means, etc.  I found this video on pinterest and I think it explains really well what it is and how it affects fertility, etc.  Anyways, if anyone is interested, here it is:

Last, but not least.  I applied for a really great job last Wednesday.  It is in my field of interest, has amazing hours (7-3), close to where I live, and best of all, complete IF coverage!  Including IVF.  I know it's a long shot for me to get this job since the requirements were a little vague (though I did meet them) and even the description was too.  I would absolutely love to work here though, so if I culd have some prayers, it would be great.

Monday, February 18, 2013

Latest RE visit

I saw my RE this evening to go over the test results.  Basically, not much new information came from this.  I still have diminished ovarian reserve.  My AMH is now .31, it was .36 in October so it didn't really change.  All my other tests came back normal except my estrogen was really high due to the cyst and my glucose test didn't come back great.  He classifies me as "glucose intolerant", this basically means I"m in no man's land, I don't have diabetes or hypoglycemia, but I do sway between the two.  If anyone's had a glucose test what you do is they take your fasting blood sugar, mine was 88 (normal).  Then they give you this horrible sugary drink and draw your blood at one hour and then two hours.  At the one hour mark I shot up to 182, which is too high and then the second hour my blood sugar dropped to 38, incredibly low. He said he doesn't know that this affects my fertility or not, but that treating it can only help, not hurt.  The recommended treatment is Meformin.  I starting with 500 mg and will slowly increase it to 2000 mg (2 pills at night and 2 in the morning).  I come back in on March 11th to discuss the next steps, which is going to be Femara and injectibles.  He'll tell me how much and what I need and then go from there and plan out the next cycle.

Speaking of next cycle... I'm in it now.  Too soon?  Yeah, I spotted CD 14 and AF came CD 15.  I blinked and found myself on cycle 26.  He does want me on Met this cycle before doing anything and letting it build in my system, so no treatment this cycle.  DH still wants to try naturally though I'm like what's even the point?  But we will, 'cause as he said, there's nothing to lose.

So, this is where we're at.  I'm not really sure how to feel.  On the one hand it's nice to know I don't have more issues, on the other hand, will anything really work?  If they don't know why I can't conceive, then will this work?  It just feels like I will never, ever see that positive pregnancy stick.

For now I"m just focusing on one cycle at a time or at least trying to.  Right now it's just the Metformin.

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Mini update

First of all, a huge "I'm sorry" to my blogging friends.  I try to do good with keeping up with blogs, but work has been hectic and long and then stuff at home with HOA meetings, family stuff, just no time to hardly do anything and I got so behind.  I caught up today, but I love you guys and just wanted to let you all know I'm sorry.

Okay, I'm in better spirits.  Well, they go up and down, but I am mostly okay.  My cyst is gone, well I don't feel any sign of it, though I've had some cramping here and there.  I'm CD 12 and no sign of O.  Not really tracking, but I do test OPKs once and nada.  I don't realy care though.  I'm just mildly irritated.

So, Monday is the big day.  I will see the RE and then find out what the results are and go from there.  I am scared.  Scared of him saying there is more of a problem adn scared of him saying there isn't.  Scared of finally facing the big guns, injectibles and failing.  Scared that pretty soon I am going to reach the end of what I can do on my TTC and then I have to face the fact that I will never be pregnant and really start exploring adoption.

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Thanks Clomid.....

For the 3 cm cyst on my left ovary and the 10 mm lining I had at CD 3.  Ugh!  I can feel that sucker and it sucks.  In general I feel blah and just depressed even though I'm on a good path with this new doctor.  I'm not really sure why I feel so bad emotionally, but just one of those days where it is really hard.

My acu was amazing (when is he not?).  He gave me a supp to help get rid of it and then concentrated his points on it.  He told to just spend this cycle not just physically healing, but emotionally healing too.  He said to acknowledge the sadness so that way it can pass and he said then I can move forward with everything.  I think he liked that Dr. A is doing all these tests and he told me to let him know what he finds out so that my supp's can be adjusted accordingly.   So, if I thought I was on a break before for testing, now I'm really on a break due to the cyst.  So, no temping, charting, no OPKs, nothing.  I just hope it all clears up this cycle.  Depending on what he finds, I may take another cycle or two off if I need to start any meds for pcos or anything else so they can have a chance to work in my system before I try any fertility treatment   Since I"m probably going to do an injectible along with Femara and the IUI and nothing is covered I need my money for the best success chance, so right now I'm looking at the very earliest a BFP is even possible is probably April or May.

Monday, February 4, 2013

A New Love

Well, I was lucky to find an amazing acupuncturist last Spring.  My acu is very supportive, honest, and really knows his stuff.  My body has improved and things have gotten better since I've started seeing him.  However, it just wasn't enough.  He can't fix everything wrong with my body, the things that are stopping me from conceiving.

I have been to two different RE's.  The first one IVF only and I'm dismissed.  The other one also, IVF only, but I'll humor you since your insurance covers IUI. Well, I found out today that the clinic made a mistake and it does not cover IUI.  I got a bill from the insurance company, so I need to back pay for last cycle, but what I did find was finally, my RE!

I am not seeing Dr. A and he comes highly recommended from tow sources.  One is a parent who's child I work with.  Her child is the product of IVF at the hands of Dr. A, but only after other treatments were tried. The other recommendation is a woman currently undergoing treatment.  I am so happy to have found Dr. A! I feel like I have my team now.  Okay, I just realized my acu is also Mr. A.  So, I'm now going to refer to them as the "A Team", lol!  And who doesn't want the "A Team" on the their side?

So, what is so awesome about Dr A???  Well, the first words out of his mouth were not, Do IVF.  Nope.  For the first time ever a medical doctor actually took the time to ask questions about me and my body.  He wanted to know about my gastric bypass, my AF, pains, cramps, twinges, everything.  He told me he doesn't see where I was tested for PCOS.  He said he noticed my breakouts on my face and said that he wants to test me for PCOS, because while it is incredibly rare to have both PCOS AND DOR, it is possible.  He was also interested in my blood sugar level.  He wants to do an insulin resistance test tomorrow.  Many years ago I had one before my gastric bypass surgery and I was considered "insulin resistant   I also had it again after the gastric bypass and I was considered hypoglycemic.  He said either way it can def affect fertility and so he really wants me tested for it to see how that's affecting me.  He also brought up the possibility of endo.  He said he doesn't have a reason to do a lap right now but he wants to do a blood test that will come up positive in 40% of people who have endo as well as some saline test.  He said he's looking to see if there's a reason to perform a lap or not.  He also plans to thoroughly test my thyroid levels.  Throughout my life I've only been thyroid tested at my annual and I think it's just a basic test.  He's going to test all of it because many times people have asked me about my thyroid as I think I have some attributes of thyroid issues such as my extreme coldness. I live in Texas and even in August, you will find me with a hoodie.

So, long story short, he wants to do more testing and figure out what is going on.  He wants more info.  That does mean I will be sitting out this cycle, but it's for a good cause and I am okay.  He also uses Femara rather than Clomid, so yay!  He says depending on what he finds he might do a Femara/injectible combo, but he wants to know everything first.  He said definitely not IVF right now.  He was mostly concerned with my age and why I haven't been able to conceive and has a least to most approach.  He also said in general DOR aren't a good IVF candidates since by nature not many eggs will be retrieved, so he likes to really use that as a last measure.

So, right now I am pleased.  We will be trying naturally this cycle and I do expect a BFN, but at least when AF comes, I know we'll have a good plan and be ready to go with something good.  I trust Dr. A and DH did too.  Oh, he also recommended some supp's for DH's sperm that my acu already gave him, so I liked that consistency a LOT!

Saturday, February 2, 2013

IUI #1 is a BFN

I know I knew it, but it still doesn't make it any easier.  Cycle 24 is now over.  I think today is technically spotting, even though it's been all day due to the fact that AF is not actually flowing.  This means tomorrow will be CD 1 of cycle 25.

I called the RE I just did IUI with and asked them if I could please have 100 mg of Clomid this cycle due to only 1 follie.  The nurse, who wasn't that friendly, told me that one follie wasn't reason to increase the Clomid.  That they only want one or two follies on Clomid.  I told her my body produces one follie without the Clomid and my hope was for at least two.  She said sorry, no cigar.  You can come in Monday for your baseline and then get your 50 mg. 

So, I started thinking about this place and how the RE didn't really want to do Clomid, I asked for it and he said it would.  Then I had to ask to get monitored because they didn't want to do that.  Pretty much I've pushed for everything.  They didn't listen to me when I very clearly said I ovulate very early in my cycle and because of that, my IUI was less than stellar.  I met someone online in my area and they see a different RE from me and that RE hasn't even talked about IVF first.  He said lets try this other stuff and go from there and she's doing a combo cycle with injectibles.  So, I got a referral and made an appointment and I'm seeing that RE on Monday.  I am hoping and praying with all my heart that they can start treatment right away, but that really might not be possible.  Yesterday I dropped off all my records that I have so fingers crossed I don't have to sit this one out.

I feel really stuck right now and unsure of where to go.  I have friends that are pregnant and it is so hard for me to share in their joy.  I want to be able to truly be happy for them and go to their baby showers and be part of their celebration, but it is so hard to.  I am genuinely happy for them.  That part isn't so hard.  What is hard is celebrating with them.  I know I'm being invited to a baby shower early March for someone who's baby is due at the end of March and then there's another friend due in July and I'm sure she'll have a shower around June.  I don't want to go because it's a reminder of a world I'm not a part of and may never be a part of, but at the same time they are my friends.  I feel like everything in life is moving forward except for me.  I am stuck.  Unable to go, to move on, stuck here trying, praying, waiting.  I don't even know what to hope for anymore.  I want this to stop hurting, to stop taking up my life.  How much longer?  When is enough, enough?  How does this story end?  Will I be a mom or will I just one day be much older and having lost all my 30s to a dream that never came true.  Do I consider adoption?  If so, at what point?  What do I do with my friends?  I feel like I'm such a bad friend to them, but my heart hurts so badly.

I know this blog has taken a sad turn, but it's just where I am right now.  I just feel so sad.  I want to just lay around and do nothing.  I don't want to get up and go to work, I don't want to hang out with friends and socialize.  I don't want to spend time with family, but I do go through the motions of it.   DH doesn't understand.  He says he wants kids too, but somehow it doesn't consume him like it consumes me.  Hearing about a pregnancy doesn't bother him.  Part of me is annoyed it doesn't mean the same to him, the othe part of me is jealous.  I just don't know.