I know I knew it, but it still doesn't make it any easier. Cycle 24 is now over. I think today is technically spotting, even though it's been all day due to the fact that AF is not actually flowing. This means tomorrow will be CD 1 of cycle 25.
I called the RE I just did IUI with and asked them if I could please have 100 mg of Clomid this cycle due to only 1 follie. The nurse, who wasn't that friendly, told me that one follie wasn't reason to increase the Clomid. That they only want one or two follies on Clomid. I told her my body produces one follie without the Clomid and my hope was for at least two. She said sorry, no cigar. You can come in Monday for your baseline and then get your 50 mg.
So, I started thinking about this place and how the RE didn't really want to do Clomid, I asked for it and he said it would. Then I had to ask to get monitored because they didn't want to do that. Pretty much I've pushed for everything. They didn't listen to me when I very clearly said I ovulate very early in my cycle and because of that, my IUI was less than stellar. I met someone online in my area and they see a different RE from me and that RE hasn't even talked about IVF first. He said lets try this other stuff and go from there and she's doing a combo cycle with injectibles. So, I got a referral and made an appointment and I'm seeing that RE on Monday. I am hoping and praying with all my heart that they can start treatment right away, but that really might not be possible. Yesterday I dropped off all my records that I have so fingers crossed I don't have to sit this one out.
I feel really stuck right now and unsure of where to go. I have friends that are pregnant and it is so hard for me to share in their joy. I want to be able to truly be happy for them and go to their baby showers and be part of their celebration, but it is so hard to. I am genuinely happy for them. That part isn't so hard. What is hard is celebrating with them. I know I'm being invited to a baby shower early March for someone who's baby is due at the end of March and then there's another friend due in July and I'm sure she'll have a shower around June. I don't want to go because it's a reminder of a world I'm not a part of and may never be a part of, but at the same time they are my friends. I feel like everything in life is moving forward except for me. I am stuck. Unable to go, to move on, stuck here trying, praying, waiting. I don't even know what to hope for anymore. I want this to stop hurting, to stop taking up my life. How much longer? When is enough, enough? How does this story end? Will I be a mom or will I just one day be much older and having lost all my 30s to a dream that never came true. Do I consider adoption? If so, at what point? What do I do with my friends? I feel like I'm such a bad friend to them, but my heart hurts so badly.
I know this blog has taken a sad turn, but it's just where I am right now. I just feel so sad. I want to just lay around and do nothing. I don't want to get up and go to work, I don't want to hang out with friends and socialize. I don't want to spend time with family, but I do go through the motions of it. DH doesn't understand. He says he wants kids too, but somehow it doesn't consume him like it consumes me. Hearing about a pregnancy doesn't bother him. Part of me is annoyed it doesn't mean the same to him, the othe part of me is jealous. I just don't know.