Saturday, February 2, 2013

IUI #1 is a BFN

I know I knew it, but it still doesn't make it any easier.  Cycle 24 is now over.  I think today is technically spotting, even though it's been all day due to the fact that AF is not actually flowing.  This means tomorrow will be CD 1 of cycle 25.

I called the RE I just did IUI with and asked them if I could please have 100 mg of Clomid this cycle due to only 1 follie.  The nurse, who wasn't that friendly, told me that one follie wasn't reason to increase the Clomid.  That they only want one or two follies on Clomid.  I told her my body produces one follie without the Clomid and my hope was for at least two.  She said sorry, no cigar.  You can come in Monday for your baseline and then get your 50 mg. 

So, I started thinking about this place and how the RE didn't really want to do Clomid, I asked for it and he said it would.  Then I had to ask to get monitored because they didn't want to do that.  Pretty much I've pushed for everything.  They didn't listen to me when I very clearly said I ovulate very early in my cycle and because of that, my IUI was less than stellar.  I met someone online in my area and they see a different RE from me and that RE hasn't even talked about IVF first.  He said lets try this other stuff and go from there and she's doing a combo cycle with injectibles.  So, I got a referral and made an appointment and I'm seeing that RE on Monday.  I am hoping and praying with all my heart that they can start treatment right away, but that really might not be possible.  Yesterday I dropped off all my records that I have so fingers crossed I don't have to sit this one out.

I feel really stuck right now and unsure of where to go.  I have friends that are pregnant and it is so hard for me to share in their joy.  I want to be able to truly be happy for them and go to their baby showers and be part of their celebration, but it is so hard to.  I am genuinely happy for them.  That part isn't so hard.  What is hard is celebrating with them.  I know I'm being invited to a baby shower early March for someone who's baby is due at the end of March and then there's another friend due in July and I'm sure she'll have a shower around June.  I don't want to go because it's a reminder of a world I'm not a part of and may never be a part of, but at the same time they are my friends.  I feel like everything in life is moving forward except for me.  I am stuck.  Unable to go, to move on, stuck here trying, praying, waiting.  I don't even know what to hope for anymore.  I want this to stop hurting, to stop taking up my life.  How much longer?  When is enough, enough?  How does this story end?  Will I be a mom or will I just one day be much older and having lost all my 30s to a dream that never came true.  Do I consider adoption?  If so, at what point?  What do I do with my friends?  I feel like I'm such a bad friend to them, but my heart hurts so badly.

I know this blog has taken a sad turn, but it's just where I am right now.  I just feel so sad.  I want to just lay around and do nothing.  I don't want to get up and go to work, I don't want to hang out with friends and socialize.  I don't want to spend time with family, but I do go through the motions of it.   DH doesn't understand.  He says he wants kids too, but somehow it doesn't consume him like it consumes me.  Hearing about a pregnancy doesn't bother him.  Part of me is annoyed it doesn't mean the same to him, the othe part of me is jealous.  I just don't know.


  1. It sounds like your RE and you are not a good match, I'm so glad that you found a new one! So sorry for the BFN :( They suck even if you had a feeling it was coming. Way to take charge of your own fertility and your life! I'm so excited for things to come with you!

  2. I'm so hoping this new RE will be just what you need. It's never easy to see a BFN or AF no matter how much you expect it. I know it's hard and it makes things awkward when you feel like you have to skip celebrations and baby showers for your friends because of the pain it causes, but honestly, sometimes we have to just protect our hearts. Try not to feel bad about doing what you have to. As for your DH, I think lots of men are just that way. Yes, they want children, but it isn't the end of the world for them if it isn't in the cards or if it doesn't happen on their timeline. Sometimes I am hurt that my DH feels that way, but other times I feel really lucky that I don't have that pressure from him and that he will be happy even if it is just the two of us for a while or forever. Sending you big hugs and lots of prayers for a good RE visit Monday!

  3. I don't think that you'll have to sit this one out. I saw my new RE the day befroe AF and were a go, he would have done it even if I'd see him on day 3. Plus you already dropped off your records. I think the fact they didn't want to use clomid is crap and the fact he doesn't want to rise it or switch to femara is BULL!!! My RE said if I didn't get 3-4 eggs we'd switch to femara or up clomid or even do shots. I just think it's insane. Hang in there you can do this and there are better doctors out there. I learned the hard way but I finally found a good doctor. If you need to talk I'm here.

  4. I'm sorry to hear about your IUI. The DH's never seem to as affected as we are. I've learned to use my friends and blog as a sounding board because I never get the response I want out of him. I''m glad you're seeing the new RE. You have to have trust in your doctor or it makes everything so much harder. Sending you positive thoughts!

  5. I'm so sorry I'm behind in my comment. First of all, I'm really sorry that you were so down this weekend. The ups and downs of this journey really take their toll. One minute I will feel so upbeat and positive and then next, I can't imagine how it can possibly work out for us.

    Second, the best thing you could have done was schedule with the new RE. It's CRAZY that your other RE would not listen to you and trust me, that is the worst, I can tell you from my own personal experience. You will be much better off and I hope that he gets right down to business and gets you going asap!

    I'll be stalking your blog to hear all about your appointment!!

  6. Amber, I am so sorry. I wish there was something that I could say to make this all easier. I wanted this cycle to work out for you so bad, so you could move onto the next chapter of your life. The chapter that I know will come for you someday. I hope and pray that it is someday soon. I am glad that you are seeking out a new RE. Hopefully this will be one that will really listen to you, and be your lucky charm!

    You are always in my thoughts and prayers!


  7. Listen to your instinct on the RE. It shouldn't feel like it's so hard and that you're doing all this work to convince them where you're at in your cycle and have to push for more than just their "one size fits all" approach. I'm glad you're seeing a new RE if the other one doesn't feel right!

    Sorry this cycle didn't pan out. I must tell you though, that I tried to have my Femara increased and my RE said NO as well. 1 or 2 follicles is what they're looking for, and if that happens and the lining looks good, and ovulation occurs, the goal has been achieved and you are considered to have a good response. I know some RE's are easier to increase dosage, but mine is pretty conservative with meds unless you are NOT responding. I ended up pregnant the very next month on the same 5 mg dosage....after I got turned down for the increased dosage. :)

    Hope you start getting excited about a new cycle soon after the funk of AF has worn off. I'm really excited for you to get another opinion from an RE you might click better with!

  8. Oh Amber, words can't express how much I feel for what you're going through. I know you've got to be SO tired of it all. And you're right, DH's are usually not able to relate to the pain we feel when it comes to IF/TTC. I definitely think you should switch RE's if this ones beliefs and protocols don't match up with what you want. I totally agree about doing a higher dose of Clomid since you only produced one follie with this round, it's not upping your chances if it doesn't jumpstart or give a boost to what your body does naturally anyway.

    As for the showers, I would not even worry about letting others down right now. Your real friends will understand the difficulties you are facing and would not want to subject you to additional pain. You need to take care or you right now and I'm sure they will get that!

    Big hugs and much love to you!