Friday, March 8, 2013

Are you there Chase?

I've been thinking a lot lately about Chase.  I've been wondering where he is and if he's even with me.  I've been thinking more and more what happens after we die, the role of past loved ones in our lives.  I know Chase was my cat, but I make no distinction between the lives of animals and the lives of humans.  Both are created by God and when I look into the eyes of animals, I see their soul just the same as when I look into the eyes of a human.  I know different people have different beliefs, but this is mine.

I've really been wondering if Chase is really with me or is it just something I desperately want.  I keep looking for a sign.  I'm even reconsidering naming my son Chase, should I ever have a son or any child.  Maybe Chase is just gone and I need to learn to let it go and move forward.  Be grateful and happy for the 17 years we were together. I haven't felt his presence near me in so long.  I haven't felt him with me.  I just feel empty and I pray every night to at least see him in my dreams, but I don't.  The last time I felt Chase was November 13th.  That morning for some reason I felt a need to put on my Chase necklace.  Two hours after I did that I was hit by an 18 wheeler on the freeway.  I was sideswiped and luckily not injured, though my car needed a lot of repairs.  Since that day though, I haven't felt his presence near me.

I feed our neighborhood stray cats and this evening when I fed them I glanced at my Chase Tree.  The one that grows above his grave that I planted on his 18th birthday last year and I looked at it.  I saw a flower had grown on it, just one, since winter is now ending (or what we refer to as winter in Texas).  As I cam to look at it I noticed not only had a flower grown, but it was the most beautiful and perfect flower in every way.  My husband ran to grab his phone to take a picture of it.  I called him when I saw a flower had grown.  There are four or five buds starting on it, so there will be more flowers soon, but just the one now.  It was gorgeous and for that moment as I looked at it, I felt him.  I felt my Chase.

On Monday is my follow-up appointment with my RE, Dr. A.  He is going to go over the injectibles combo protocol with me and then set up the injections class so I can learn how to mix and administer the shots.  I am nervous and scared about the appointment.  I am scared of doing it wrong, of feeling overwhelmed, of it ultimately not working.  I am scared of this next step, but also happy and excited to finally move forward.  It's now been two cycles since the Clomid/IUI disaster.  I had two weeks with the cyst and now just a natural cycle in which I did ovulate.  AF is due anytime Tuesday-Thursday, so a week from now I'll be on what could be my BFP cycle.  We'll see and I'll be sure to update.


  1. That flower is so beautiful, and I'm so glad that Chase sent you a sign that he's there. Especially when you are nervous about your upcoming appointment. I know it's scary to move forward with a new plan, and I know you must feel a sense of comfort that he's still there while you are moving into new territory and feeling unsure. I don't think he's going to leave you. I think maybe he's just stepping aside a little more to allow you to keep healing and moving forward. I know it doesn't make it easier, though. I pray this next step is all you need to get that BFP (if you don't get it before then)!

  2. Awe, I think that flower was put there just for you for a reason, and I definitely think you had the intuition to wear that necklace the say you were hit by the 18 wheeler! I totally believe in guardian angels and that animals have souls that carry on after death, just as humans do.

    I am so excited for your new RE and the new protocol with injectables!

  3. That is such a beautiful flower and I would take it as a sign from Chase. Its hard not to see our animals as family. Especially when they have been a part of you for so long. I am praying that this is your BFP cycle Amber. Extremly excited for you. :)