I know I've been pretty negative lately. I think a lot of it has been a protective mechanism. If I believe none of this will work, then it won't hurt so bad when it doesn't, right? Wrong. I know I do believe something could work because I keep trying. And it does hurt when it fails. It kills me when it fails. I feel like each cycle I die a little inside.
I know I am already debating the name I had always chosen for my son. I no longer know if "Chase" is an appropriate name. I'm trying to accept that the wondefulness that was my cat, is gone. He's been gone for nearly 18 months now and that part is over.
Someone I consider a good friend of mine recently failed her IVF cycle. Sadly, this was attempt number 2. Her first cycle was cancelled due to her response and then this one unfortunately did not work. My heart breaks for her. She has been trying for longer than me and has done meds upon meds upon meds and several natural cycles. If there's a method out there she's tried it. However, I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt she will get her BFP. She WILL be a mom and she will conquer this and everything she's been through would have been worth it. However, how do I know this about her and continue to tell myself it won't work for me? I am either lying to her about how I really feel or I am lying to myself. I realized I am lying to myself. I am trying to protect my heart. The truth is that I do think something out there will work. I don't know if the injectible/Femara combo will be it. Maybe I will need a few cycles of that to work. Maybe it just won't and eventually I'll be figuring out IVF. Maybe it won't work or I won't be able afford it and so I will pursue adoption and maybe a few years down the road my body will "click" one cycle. I am active on a DOR thread and I decided to list all the BFPs we've had and how it's happened. This thread dates back quite a bit, so there are a lot of people who've come and gone. Here are the stats:
Natural BFP: 14
It does show that I am most likely to get a BFP naturally or with IVF. I am not so likely with injectibles, however, this doesn't mean it won't work. It's just data on women who have previously succeeded as part of "that" particular thread. What it shows most of all is that most of the DOR women "were" able to conceive in some way. I am going to think positive thoughts and keep looking for ways this "will" work. I'm not saying I'm going to positive all the time and I'm not going to be scared or have my doubts, but I am going to continue knowing in my heart that one way or another something will work out. Oh, for anyone curious where I am now, I'm currently 3 DPO. So the 2ww to my injectibles cycle is in effect! I see the RE to discuss the protocol and everything on 3/11 and AF should be here 3/13!
I also wanted to say that I am lucky beyond belief. As you know, I have absolutely no infertility coverage. Injectibles are EXPENSIVE. By expensive, I mean thousands. Before I even touch a single drug, I will pay $2,000 to $2,500 for just the monitoring and blood work and IUI that will accompany the cycle. Injectibles are at least $4,000 added on to that, possibly more depending on my response. This is for ONE cycle. ONE try to be a mom. Why am I lucky??? Because two amazing women have donated their extra meds to me. I know I have enough for a whole cycle, I am actually very sure I have enough for two if not three cycles of injectibles. Because of these two women I am even given the opportunity to try injectibles in the first place and I will never forget that kindness. I hope it works that I, in turn, can donate any extras to someone else. Most people do not have infertilty coverage.
I also wanted to say that I am doing great on the Metformin. I feel very "balanced" and not that being sick is a good thing, but when I posted last time, it turned out I had a stomach bug of some kind, it just coincided with a Met increase. I was over it in two days and my Metformin has now been increased to the final dosage and I feel fine. I've also put myself on a diet and I've now lost 7 lbs. in the past two weeks. Heck, if I can't be pregnant, I can be hawt! LOL!
So, here is to my dear friend who WILL get her BFP, to me, and to the many others who are in the same boat as me, trying to reach our dreams and stopping at nothing, WE WILL WIN THIS!!