Sunday, March 3, 2013

Believing

I know I've been pretty negative lately.  I think a lot of it has been a protective mechanism.  If I believe none of this will work, then it won't hurt so bad when it doesn't, right?  Wrong.  I know I do believe something could work because I keep trying.  And it does hurt when it fails.  It kills me when it fails. I feel like each cycle I die a little inside.

I know I am already debating the name I had always chosen for my son.  I no longer know if "Chase" is an appropriate name.  I'm trying to accept that the wondefulness that was my cat, is gone.  He's been gone for nearly 18 months now and that part is over.

Someone I consider a good friend of mine recently failed her IVF cycle.  Sadly, this was attempt number 2.  Her first cycle was cancelled due to her response and then this one unfortunately did not work.  My heart breaks for her.  She has been trying for longer than me and has done meds upon meds upon meds and several natural cycles.  If there's a method out there she's tried it. However, I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt she will get her BFP.  She WILL be a mom and she will conquer this and everything she's been through would have been worth it.  However, how do I know this about her and continue to tell myself it won't work for me?  I am either lying to her about how I really feel or I am lying to myself.  I realized I am lying to myself.  I am trying to protect my heart.  The truth is that I do think something out there will work. I don't know if the injectible/Femara combo will be it.  Maybe I will need a few cycles of that to work.  Maybe it just won't and eventually I'll be figuring out IVF.  Maybe it won't work or I won't be able afford it and so I will pursue adoption and maybe a few years down the road my body will "click" one cycle.  I am active on a DOR thread and I decided to list all the BFPs we've had and how it's happened.  This thread dates back quite a bit, so there are a lot of people who've come and gone.  Here are the stats:

Natural BFP: 14
IVF: 9
Injectibles:  3
Clomid: 2
IVF/DE:  2

It does show that I am most likely to get a BFP naturally or with IVF.  I am not so likely with injectibles, however, this doesn't mean it won't work.  It's just data on women who have previously succeeded as part of "that" particular thread.  What it shows most of all is that most of the DOR women "were" able to conceive in some way. I am going to think positive thoughts and keep looking for ways this "will" work.  I'm not saying I'm going to positive all the time and I'm not going to be scared or have my doubts, but I am going to continue knowing in my heart that one way or another something will work out. Oh, for anyone curious where I am now, I'm currently 3 DPO.  So the 2ww to my injectibles cycle is in effect!  I see the RE to discuss the protocol and everything on 3/11 and AF should be here 3/13!

I also wanted to say that I am lucky beyond belief.  As you know, I have absolutely no infertility coverage.  Injectibles are EXPENSIVE.  By expensive, I mean thousands.  Before I even touch a single drug, I will pay $2,000 to $2,500 for just the monitoring and blood work and IUI that will accompany the cycle.  Injectibles are at least $4,000 added on to that, possibly more depending on my response.  This is for ONE cycle.  ONE try to be a mom.  Why am I lucky??? Because two amazing women have donated their extra meds to me.  I know I have enough for a whole cycle, I am actually very sure I have enough for two if not three cycles of injectibles.  Because of these two women I am even given the opportunity to try injectibles in the first place and I will never forget that kindness.  I hope it works that I, in turn, can donate any extras to someone else.  Most people do not have infertilty coverage.

I also wanted to say that I am doing great on the Metformin.  I feel very "balanced" and not that being sick is a good thing, but when I posted last time, it turned out I had a stomach bug of some kind, it just coincided with a Met increase.  I was over it in two days and my Metformin has now been increased to the final dosage and I feel fine.  I've also put myself on a diet and I've now lost 7 lbs. in the past two weeks.  Heck, if I can't be pregnant, I can be hawt!  LOL!

So, here is to my dear friend who WILL get her BFP, to me, and to the many others who are in the same boat as me, trying to reach our dreams and stopping at nothing, WE WILL WIN THIS!!

6 comments:

  1. I am so proud of you for your positivity right now. I know we all go through times where it just takes too much energy to be positive, and it is too scary. I'm glad that you can see that you need to believe in something great for yourself just like you do for others. We all believe it for you the same way you believe it for us, and there is no reason to believe that you won't also get your BFP. I wish it would happen very soon, but if it doesn't happen right away, that doesn't mean it won't happen at all. I think it's great that you looked up the BFP stats for the DOR thread and saw for yourself that it obviously happens, so it can absolutely happen for you. And what wonderful ladies to donate their extra meds. It is definitely a blessing to have such great women on this journey with us despite the fact that none of us should have to be here.

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  2. "If I can't be pregnant, I can be HAWT!" hahaha! Love your ability to stay positive, and thanks for making me smile this morning with that!

    We all need to give ourselves the same vote of confidence we give others in their journey to motherhood. Why is that so hard sometimes? I think I change my mind a few times each day on whether this will actually happen or not. It's maddening sometimes! I do know it WILL happen for us too, but we are allowed to have those days when there are doubts. It's normal to feel that way.

    KMFX for you this 2 week wait, and super excited for you to have help for next cycle if this one doesn't work. Love how those women have passed it on to help you out! Gotta stick together!

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  3. I love how positive you are, it is so encouraging!

    That is so amazing that you had ladies donate their extra meds, that alone is an answered prayer :) Hopefully you will get your bfp this month and won't need them, but that is so awesome to know that there are such wonderful people out there.

    I really am glad that the metformin is working like it's supposed to and you aren't sick from it. That sucks you had a stomach bug, but I'm so glad that it went away quickly and it wasn't the metformin causing all of the issues.

    I really hope this is it for you! :)

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  4. This post made me smile, Amber! I love the attitude and the fact that you are working on getting yourself "Hawt". lol. That is so awesome and will make you feel so good all around! As you, I just KNOW that something is going to work for you and you are going to be holding that sweet precious baby before you know it. You are constantly in my prayers!

    Hugs,
    Kara

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  5. Thank you for this post. I think we all struggle with trying to be as positive for ourselves as we are for others. I hope that you get your BFP soon my friend!

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  6. Just wanted to stop by and say hello. I'm glad your feeling better and are such a wealth of information and positive force to the TTC community. This is such hard work and that you continue to think of everyone else knowing how difficult it is month after month says so much about your character. Another reason I know this is going to work out for you. xo

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