Tuesday, March 26, 2013

IUI #2

Creative with my title names, aren't I?  I wish I had better skills with that, but unfortunately I just call it like I see it.

So, today is 3/26/13, it's exactly 18 months since I said goodbye to my beloved Chase.  Exactly 12 months since I sat in my office at work and cried at the fact that my cat had been gone for six months as I desperately scrolled google looking for an acupuncturist   It was the day I found the clinic I currently go to.  Even though I had done many searches before using the same search items, it was the first time this clinic popped up.   I saw they had a tie to my then RE and I called them for my consult exactly on this day a year ago.  Tomorrow will be one year since I've started going to this clinic.  My consult was the day after my phone call and tomorrow I have an acupuncture appointment there.  I've been wearing my Chase necklace all day long as a sign of good luck and to feel him close to me.

This morning was my IUI.  Hubby and I took diff cars so we could go to work afterwards.  He produced his sample and while it was being prepped, we went out to IHOP.  4/11/13 marks sixteen years that David and I have been together.  In a way I can't believe there was a time I wasn't with him and in a way I can't believe it's already been this many years.  My fertility clinic is located within walking distance of the house my husband grew up in.  The IHOP we went to this day is one we went to so many times while we were dating. So, many nights we'd end up there, talking, sharing, getting to know one another, at that particular IHOP.  It's a special place and it was great to find us there again together 16 years later still as happy as ever, only seeking to expand on our love.  We had  a great breakfast and talked about our hopes and dreams for children.  What we want for them, what's important to us as parents, and things like that.  We went back to the clinic for the actual IUI and here's the totals:

Total Sperm: 33 million
Post Wash: 11 Million
Motility: 73%

As far as the total goes, for trying naturally, it's considered on the low side.  Not horrible, but nothing great either.  As far as the post wash for IUI and the motility, excellent!  The IUI itself went pretty well.  The only minus is my RE wasn't available to do it himself.  I could have waited for him, but we both needed to get to work, so his nurse practitioner who is a sweet and wonderful lady did it.  I did feel a bit of cramping and I did have a tinge of blood.  I was surprised she said that because I've never bled or anything like that during ovulation. So, that's that.  My beta is on 4/8/13 and I'm terrified just thinking about it.

Today has been a day of hope.  I had a home visit after the IUI, but it was cancelled on my way there.  My next visit was in the same are as my RE, but not for over 90 minutes.  The mall was very close to there and so I decided to go there.  My husband and I had our first date in January of '97 at that mall. We saw a movie and then walked around the mall holding hands and talking, so it was nice to remember that and revisit the mall.  As I was walking, I couldn't help but notice a onesie I saw.  It was from Baylor University where we both got our bachelors from.  It was the only onesie there and I kept staring at it.  I walked away and tried to go into other stores, but I kept thinking about it and came back.  I can't believe it, but I bought it.  I see my baby in this onesie and I just had to have it.  I am worried it's bad karma (I don't really believe in karma unless it's bad) and that now I've jinxed myself.  I have never ever allowed myself to buy a baby item in all the time I have been trying, but  I just couldn't help myself today.

I am torn between feeling hope.  I had an egg in each tube, no matter which tube the sperm went, there was an egg, it was mature, my lining was optimal.  There is no reason this shouldn't happen, that it won't work.  Then there's the other voice, 26 failed cycles in front of me.  I don't just "kinda" have a problem, something really is wrong.  How many amazing women in my threads have had this same procedure and it didn't work? What makes me so special?  In the end, I just don't know.  Part of me says, let yourself have hope.  For the first time ever, just allow yourself to believe and dream and look at baby stuff and think of what might be because if it turns out it didn't work, I'll have time to be sad then, to cry over it, and I know I won't bare to look at any of it.  The the other part of me says, don't go thinking that this worked because if I get myself all full of hope and built up, the fall down is fast, hard, and horrible.  I am torn between these two extremes.  I want this so bad, with all my heart, I want this to work.



10 comments:

  1. I am so glad you bought the onsie. I pray that at the end of this cycle, you will really be able to plan on using it in 9 months. I can see how you'd have such conflicting feelings about whether to let yourself be excited or hopeful, and I think it's normal to feel a little bit torn. I don't think you can control it. It sounds like today was great, and I hope that is only a sign of more good things to come! And soon!

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  2. Sounds like everything was fantabulous. Your strolls down memory lane help to embrace what you have in front of you. Looks like we will be having our BETA on the same day. FX that we both get what we have been praying, wishing, hoping for. That onesie will be used, u will see, no bad karma we need to learn to just give in at times.

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  3. I am feeling so positive for you. I totally get the doubt after all you've been through, but one of these cycles, is going to be the ONE. Certainly sounds like this one is pointing in that direction. Hoping and praying for you, my friend!!!

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  4. So glad to read this update! It sounds like everything went perfect...from the walk down memory lane, to the post wash numbers, to the onsie that called your name. I would take those all as good signs! I am praying for you so hard, Amber! Praying that this is the cycle that you will get your sticky BFP and beautiful take home baby! I want this for you soooo bad!!!

    Hugs,
    Kara

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  5. Positivity! It seems to be spreading like wildfire. I like it! You will fill that onesie soon. I know it!

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  6. Cute onsie! Sounds like a perfect cycle, so try not to focus on the other cycles that have failed. This is the first time you have ever done injectables with IUI, so it's like comparing apples to oranges really. I think you guys have such an excellent shot and WOWZA that is some awesome motility. Those little guys were probably racing to your follies in record time!

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  7. I want this so bad for you too. I'm KMFX for you and I'm SO hopeful. I will be devastated for you if this doesn't work because I'm so sure it will!

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  8. Such a cute onesie! I hope this IUI being you the baby you've dreamed of. Sending positive thoughts!

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  9. That onesie is so cute!! Everything sounds so great, I really hope that this is it for you. I'm glad your beta is right around the corner so you don't have to wait my longer. KMFX!

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