So, today is 3/26/13, it's exactly 18 months since I said goodbye to my beloved Chase. Exactly 12 months since I sat in my office at work and cried at the fact that my cat had been gone for six months as I desperately scrolled google looking for an acupuncturist It was the day I found the clinic I currently go to. Even though I had done many searches before using the same search items, it was the first time this clinic popped up. I saw they had a tie to my then RE and I called them for my consult exactly on this day a year ago. Tomorrow will be one year since I've started going to this clinic. My consult was the day after my phone call and tomorrow I have an acupuncture appointment there. I've been wearing my Chase necklace all day long as a sign of good luck and to feel him close to me.
This morning was my IUI. Hubby and I took diff cars so we could go to work afterwards. He produced his sample and while it was being prepped, we went out to IHOP. 4/11/13 marks sixteen years that David and I have been together. In a way I can't believe there was a time I wasn't with him and in a way I can't believe it's already been this many years. My fertility clinic is located within walking distance of the house my husband grew up in. The IHOP we went to this day is one we went to so many times while we were dating. So, many nights we'd end up there, talking, sharing, getting to know one another, at that particular IHOP. It's a special place and it was great to find us there again together 16 years later still as happy as ever, only seeking to expand on our love. We had a great breakfast and talked about our hopes and dreams for children. What we want for them, what's important to us as parents, and things like that. We went back to the clinic for the actual IUI and here's the totals:
Total Sperm: 33 million
Post Wash: 11 Million
As far as the total goes, for trying naturally, it's considered on the low side. Not horrible, but nothing great either. As far as the post wash for IUI and the motility, excellent! The IUI itself went pretty well. The only minus is my RE wasn't available to do it himself. I could have waited for him, but we both needed to get to work, so his nurse practitioner who is a sweet and wonderful lady did it. I did feel a bit of cramping and I did have a tinge of blood. I was surprised she said that because I've never bled or anything like that during ovulation. So, that's that. My beta is on 4/8/13 and I'm terrified just thinking about it.
Today has been a day of hope. I had a home visit after the IUI, but it was cancelled on my way there. My next visit was in the same are as my RE, but not for over 90 minutes. The mall was very close to there and so I decided to go there. My husband and I had our first date in January of '97 at that mall. We saw a movie and then walked around the mall holding hands and talking, so it was nice to remember that and revisit the mall. As I was walking, I couldn't help but notice a onesie I saw. It was from Baylor University where we both got our bachelors from. It was the only onesie there and I kept staring at it. I walked away and tried to go into other stores, but I kept thinking about it and came back. I can't believe it, but I bought it. I see my baby in this onesie and I just had to have it. I am worried it's bad karma (I don't really believe in karma unless it's bad) and that now I've jinxed myself. I have never ever allowed myself to buy a baby item in all the time I have been trying, but I just couldn't help myself today.
I am torn between feeling hope. I had an egg in each tube, no matter which tube the sperm went, there was an egg, it was mature, my lining was optimal. There is no reason this shouldn't happen, that it won't work. Then there's the other voice, 26 failed cycles in front of me. I don't just "kinda" have a problem, something really is wrong. How many amazing women in my threads have had this same procedure and it didn't work? What makes me so special? In the end, I just don't know. Part of me says, let yourself have hope. For the first time ever, just allow yourself to believe and dream and look at baby stuff and think of what might be because if it turns out it didn't work, I'll have time to be sad then, to cry over it, and I know I won't bare to look at any of it. The the other part of me says, don't go thinking that this worked because if I get myself all full of hope and built up, the fall down is fast, hard, and horrible. I am torn between these two extremes. I want this so bad, with all my heart, I want this to work.