Friday, June 28, 2013

No Update

I don't have an update.  I did my Harmony test last Thursday, met with the RE today and nothing yet.  He said it should be in early next week.  So we'll see.  I know I've gotten a lot of private messages and comments and I really appreciate everything.  I'm reading all that you guys wrote.  I'm feeling very frustrated, but trying to stay optimsitic 'cause to be honest, when I asked my OB today what triggered the higher risk he looked my at my test and siad he didn't know, that it all looked okay to him, maybe my protein was a little off, but that was it.  So, I'm pretty wtf right now.  Anyways, thank you all so much for all your love, support, and prayers.

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

NT Scan Results

Here is the post I never thought I was going to make.  Instead I thought tonight I would be posting about how I am now in the second trimester and feeling more "relaxed", although today I mostly just felt sick.  Instead I received a call from my nurse telling me that my NT Scan came back with an elevated risk for Down's Syndrome.  My baby has  1:61 chance of having Down's instead of the 1:400+ chance that's typical of someone my age (32).

I have to do more blood work to check more closely and also meet with a specialist to do a more detailed ultrasound in order to know if my baby is okay.  Part of me is terrified. I was too lucky.  My 3rd RE was just perfect, conceived on my first treatment with him, had minimal to no first tri symptoms, and here I am.  Something had to go wrong and this is it.  The other part of me says 1:61 is still not a diagnosis and doesn't mean anything, the baby is probably just fine.  I don't know.  I love my baby no matter what, but I am scared.

I could use some thoughts and prayers at this time.  I feel selfish when most of the women following this blog are still waiting for their BFP, but I am asking anyways.  I don't know when the follow-up tests will be yet because they are processing through insurance, but hopefully in the next few days I'll have an update.

Saturday, June 15, 2013

NT Scan-Take 2

A MUCH better experience!!  Let me start with the baby is doing fantastic!  Yay!  The scan was at 13w2d and the baby measured at 14w0d.  The heart rate is at 158.  The baby was almost too big to do the NT Scan, but they were able to get everything done.  The tech was just awesome and gave me about 10 photos of the baby.  I can't believe how big he/she is already!  I haven't gotten the results yet, but I'm not too worried about that.  Honestly, I just wanted to know the baby was okay and he/she definitely is so that makes me super happy!

Posting a lovely pic below since I'm so proud of my lil one

Tomorrow I'm making the big FB announcement.  I think I finally feel ready for it and to embrace that I am really and truly pregnant and that the baby is going to be okay.

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

The other side

Today I had to do one of the hardest things I've had to do in a while. DH and I decided to go "public" with our announcement on FB on Sunday.  Most of my family and friends have known for a while.  Most were easy to tell, after my struggle, people are more than happy to share their congrats and good wishes, then there's the others...  My friends who my heart breaks to tell them the news because they are struggling.  I told them privately, usually by text so that they don't have to do the initial fake happiness as they hear the shocking news.  I know my friends love me, care about me, and are happy for me.  That doesn't mean if they are struggling right now that they aren't hurting on the inside.  It doesn't mean that now it's my turn to make them cry.  That my news is what sends them to tears.  I did my last one today and it was with one of my best friend's since high school.  Nearly 7 years ago she got married.  She started TTC 6 months before her wedding due to family history of IF.  Actually, she's told every boyfriend she's ever had that she will never ever use protection due to the low chance of her conceiving that she wasn't going to miss any chance.  Her own identical twin sister started TTC the exact same month as me and delivered a healthy boy last March.  I remember that crushing BFP announcement.  It was horrible because it was on FB when I found out.  She is an amazing and wonderful person and today I told her.  She seemed to be in a good place and said hse was very happy for me and glad the injectibles combo and IUI worked out for me, but it killed me to tell her.

It is so hard to now be the person who makes another cry.  I never ever wanted to be that person.  I still don't.  I know even in the IF threads where I continue to support and encourage my friends as they struggle that even seeing my screen name on a bad day can bring pain.  I hate that.  I have tried to let everyone who I know is struggling and is FB friends with me that I'm announcing on Sunday and that it's okay to hide me and my post.  That it's okay not to comment.  That it's okay to block me so I don't hurt them.

I hate that I can be a source of pain.  This isn't a feel sorry for me post, it's just how it is.  Those who've gotten BFPs before me I felt some hurt and pain, not from their joy, but from the inability to achieve the same for myself.  I just hate that they cycle continues with me on the other side.  I wish when my BFP came that everyone had gotten theirs.  Not a day goes by that I don't think of those still struggling, that I don't pray, that I don't wish and look forward to the day when I find they got their miracle too and I can rejoice with them.

I hope my post doesn't bring any additional pain to anyone today, that wasn't the purpose.  I just had to get these thoughts down today 'cause as I was telling my good friend my news, all I felt and saw was how she must be feeling and I told her that.  I've been crying a lot today over it too, that is has to be this way, that it just isn't fair.  It just isn't.  To those of you out there struggling, I am still here for you and I am so sorry your time hasn't come yet, but I know it will someway, somehow.  I love you guys.

Friday, June 7, 2013

NT Scan-Take 1

It didn't go well. I get there on time and get signed in and everything. The tech calls me in exactly at 2:00. She's kinda bitchy sounding, you know like she's tired and she'd rather be doing anything other than this. I change into a gown and then lie down. So, she comes back and starts scanning. I'm asking questions like is the baby okay, can I see the h/b, etc... She's like I can't tell you anything. Although she points out movements. She shows me the heart, but tells me she can't tell me how many beats per min. I'm like wtf? She does some measurement and I'm staring at the screen trying to get any info I can. I was pretty sure I saw baby measure 12w5d (I am 12w3d). Anyways, then she gets to the part where she starts scanning around and basically she needs to get the baby into a certain position and she can't. She makes me go pee 'cause my bladder is full (um, they made me drink a lot of water). The bathroom is in the u/s room, and well, I have issues peeing if people are right there. I freeze up. So I manage to pee a little bit. Not good enough she's like, no it's still too full. She tries more, does transvaginal and now she's even more bitchy. Makes me pee again and says I have to empty my bladder. I do the best I can and considering thought I did well, but bitch just wasn't happy. Anyways at the end she's like I can't get it. Wait here I'll call your OB office. So, I wait. Finally she calls me and says my measurements are too small and baby is in the wrong position. To rescheduled the appt. I'm freaking out, what do you mean measurements are too small? i was told between week 12 and 13, I am between week 12 and 13. What's wrong with my baby that the size isn't sufficient? Anyways, she sends me on my way. I'm in tears in the car calling the OBs office. Nurse does some digging around and tells me that the tech told her baby was in the wrong position and that the baby's size was fine it was the area around the baby? Still doesn't make me feel better. Anyways, I'm rescheduled for Thursday at 3:00 at a different location since I said no way in hell was I going back to that lady. She was very impatient, rude, and made me scared the whole time that something was wrong. I was crying when I got home that something was wrong, but after talking to my mom and DH I'm pretty sure she was prolly just incompetent or at least that's the story I'm telling myself now.

If you read this long, then thank you!!!  It would mean so much to me if you could just say a quick prayer or good thought that everything goes okay on Thursday.