Wednesday, June 12, 2013

The other side

Today I had to do one of the hardest things I've had to do in a while. DH and I decided to go "public" with our announcement on FB on Sunday.  Most of my family and friends have known for a while.  Most were easy to tell, after my struggle, people are more than happy to share their congrats and good wishes, then there's the others...  My friends who my heart breaks to tell them the news because they are struggling.  I told them privately, usually by text so that they don't have to do the initial fake happiness as they hear the shocking news.  I know my friends love me, care about me, and are happy for me.  That doesn't mean if they are struggling right now that they aren't hurting on the inside.  It doesn't mean that now it's my turn to make them cry.  That my news is what sends them to tears.  I did my last one today and it was with one of my best friend's since high school.  Nearly 7 years ago she got married.  She started TTC 6 months before her wedding due to family history of IF.  Actually, she's told every boyfriend she's ever had that she will never ever use protection due to the low chance of her conceiving that she wasn't going to miss any chance.  Her own identical twin sister started TTC the exact same month as me and delivered a healthy boy last March.  I remember that crushing BFP announcement.  It was horrible because it was on FB when I found out.  She is an amazing and wonderful person and today I told her.  She seemed to be in a good place and said hse was very happy for me and glad the injectibles combo and IUI worked out for me, but it killed me to tell her.

It is so hard to now be the person who makes another cry.  I never ever wanted to be that person.  I still don't.  I know even in the IF threads where I continue to support and encourage my friends as they struggle that even seeing my screen name on a bad day can bring pain.  I hate that.  I have tried to let everyone who I know is struggling and is FB friends with me that I'm announcing on Sunday and that it's okay to hide me and my post.  That it's okay not to comment.  That it's okay to block me so I don't hurt them.

I hate that I can be a source of pain.  This isn't a feel sorry for me post, it's just how it is.  Those who've gotten BFPs before me I felt some hurt and pain, not from their joy, but from the inability to achieve the same for myself.  I just hate that they cycle continues with me on the other side.  I wish when my BFP came that everyone had gotten theirs.  Not a day goes by that I don't think of those still struggling, that I don't pray, that I don't wish and look forward to the day when I find they got their miracle too and I can rejoice with them.

I hope my post doesn't bring any additional pain to anyone today, that wasn't the purpose.  I just had to get these thoughts down today 'cause as I was telling my good friend my news, all I felt and saw was how she must be feeling and I told her that.  I've been crying a lot today over it too, that is has to be this way, that it just isn't fair.  It just isn't.  To those of you out there struggling, I am still here for you and I am so sorry your time hasn't come yet, but I know it will someway, somehow.  I love you guys.

4 comments:

  1. Amber, you have been my biggest support during my entire journey. When I was pregnant, you reassured me and celebrated with me. When I found out I'd lost my baby, you went above and beyond to let me know you cared and were there to help me through it. When I started trying again, you were my biggest cheerleader. Just the fact that you are so caring about others when you are finally getting to experience the joy you've been waiting for for so long is amazing to me. I know I've said it before, but when the BFP comes from someone like you, it is hard to be hurt by that. Do I wish I could join you? Of course. I'm sure you felt the same way when I got my BFP. But it doesn't make me any less thrilled for you. Please know that your pregnancy will never hurt me or make me cry. I may cry about my own struggles, but they are completely separate from your success. Your success makes me hopeful, not sad.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Amber, I admire your sincerity in this post. I am the type of person that feels joy and encouragement with BFP that are announced by IF. In my mind I see it as if they can do so can I, I just have to keep having faith. You have continued to be such a great support to all us who are still struggling and I truly appreciate it. Your such a wonderful woman.

    ReplyDelete
  3. You're very sweet to consider so many others in sharing your news. I'm so happy for you!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Amber, I know these feelings well. When I got my BFP after IVF, I wanted to rejoice and shout it from the rooftops, but I couldn't because my heart ached for those that I was cycling with that didn't get their BFP's that round. I still think of that today, as I'm at the grocery store, or out and about. I look around and just hope and pray that my bump isn't bringing someone else pain. It's such a tough place to be. You have such a big heart and I appreciate how open, transparent, and caring you are in this post. Good luck with your announcement on Sunday. I hope it brings you a floodgate of love and congrats. Smile and enjoy it, this is your time to celebrate!

    Hugs,
    Kara

    ReplyDelete