Tuesday, July 30, 2013

"Half Baked"

Today I am officially 20 weeks!  I can't believe that I am here, halfway through my pregnancy with a healthy little girl.  I feel so blessed, it's just unbelievable.

Some new developments are that I feel some kicks.  They were very infrequent in the past two weeks and I had no idea what I was feeling.  Since week 18 I feel all sorts of stuff, cramping, pulling, twinging, and something else that feels like a little flick of a finger against the skin.  I ignored it at first, but it keeps happening and more frequently now and finally I realized a few days ago they are definitely kicks.  They happen suddenly and quickly and then just stop.  In the past few days I feel them more and more and it's very reassuring that she's in there.

I took a bump pic today.  In my first trimester I lost 9 lbs.  Up until last week I had gained back nothing, but this last week I've gained back two of those pounds.  I also had no bump whatsoever until just a few days ago. Over the weekend it's like I suddenly got a little belly.  Posting my "half baked" bump pick.




In general I am feeling pretty good.  I am very tired.  Many people talk about this energy that comes in the 2nd trimester, but I don't seem to be experiencing it very much, I mostly run out of energy after a while so it's slow going.

I've started working on her nursery.  I was actually thinking of doing my registry since I'm in between jobs and have a little bit of a break, but when looking at the bedding set I had always dreamed of, I learned it was discontinued by the manufacturer.  I was very upset and nearly broke down.  Even before I started TTC and struggling with IF I wanted this set.  Dreamed of this set.  It's hard to explain and when it was gone it broke me.  I started looking up websites and ebay and could only find part of it.  I was really upset and just shut down on Saturday.  My mom convinced me to buy all the pieces I could and we'd make up the rest with the pattern, colors, etc and tie it all in together.  I was able to find the crib set, diaper stacker, lamps, mobile, and wall decal.  My mom helped me find a coordinating rug, hamper, nightlight, and valance.  I can't wait for this room to take shape.  Here's a picture of the nursery of my dreams.  It's going to be a little bit modified, but will have all the colors and everything.


I found her perfect nursery set too and will be ordering it tomorrow.  We are getting everything in "Colonial White" and we are getting her the crib, full bed conversion kit, double dresser and hutch combo, 5 drawer dresser, and nightstand.  I'll find a glider eventually a well to add, but this stuff is so durable and nice and had a great rating in the Baby Bargains book and also online from what I could see.  As my mom says it's "Cradle2College" furniture.  

I had my anatomy scan two weeks ago at 18 weeks.  I got a few pictures of her and I'm sharing two of them.  A regular sonogram and then a 3d pic of her.  She wasn't too cooperative so these are the only "good" pics of her.  I think she's camera shy, like mommy.



Finally, we have a name!  We've decided to name her Kate Lyn Naylor.  We will most likely call her "Katy", but we love that she has a name she can change to suit her personality and grow with.  She can be Kat, Katy, Kay, Katelyn, Kate, or anything else she comes up with.

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Appt with high-risk specialist

My appointment went really well today.  They did an anatomy scan on my daughter while I was there and I'm pleased to report that at 18w0d, she is as perfect as can be!  Everything measured a little bit ahead, she weighs 9 oz right now and just developing exactly as she should.  She looks adorable in there, lol!

Now for my placenta.  It is lower than what they like, but not so incredibly low that it's dangerous.  It doesn't block or touch the cervix.  They said it was about an inch away.  It's in the front, which they like and they told me they think it will move.  They want to do a follow up at 24 weeks to check, so I'll call and schedule that, but so far everything is looking good.  The source of bleeding wasn't identified, but she really feels it's the polyp.  My OB called me in the afternoon and told me that if I bleed again to call him and they'll do another check and possibly remove the polyp.

I'm feeling so much more calm and relaxed and exhausted.  I've had so much trouble sleeping lately, but I can tell tonight I will be passed out.

Gender Processing

On Sunday I found out we are expecting a baby girl.  Let me just say that after infertility I am so happy and blessed to even be here at this point.  I am hoping I can keep her safely in my body, growing strong and healthy until she's ready to make her debut this holiday season.

As some of you know who've been following my journey.  I've always pictured myself the mom of a boy.  For some reason I've had this picture in my mind for years, going back to even my teens.  In general the idea of parenthood scares me.  I am terrified I'll make mistakes, that I won't be good enough, that I don't deserve a child.  Scared I'll mess up.  My husband shares this fear with me, which is why we didn't start trying for children until age 30 and we really started because we knew we wanted kids and felt we were running out of time.  We kept thinking of we waited longer and longer then we'd feel more "ready", but that never happened and one day it was like, well, we're 30 and we want two children, so lets get going.  Then of course, then plan went awry from there....  While the more I deal with TTC and IF the more I wanted a baby, but the fear never quite left.

I work with children in the special education setting, mostly through the schools and then recently through early childhood intervention.  I am returning back to the schools this fall and will hopefully be putting in my two week notice at my current job today.  Special education contains children from both genders, however, there is a greater amount of boys and most years that I worked with children, I would have one girl and often times only a classroom of boys.  I became more used to boys and more experienced with them.  I felt as scared as I was to be a mom, it would be "easier" somehow with a boy than a girl.  A girl scared me because I'm scared I'm not the right person to raise one.  I grew up with a lot of body image issues, depression, self-loathing, and I was absolutely terrified to pass this one to my child.  I was mostly anorexic in high school.  I snuck out of my house at night to run the track, I did who knows how many sit-ups and I skipped every meal I could get away with (dinner was hard since we had family dinners, but the others were easy).  I only saw fat, fat, and more fat when I looked in the mirror and I just hated myself.  I will admit on this blog that I tried to take my own life a few times.  I dealt with sexual abuse when I was young too, which contributed to my lower self-image.  I was lucky in that I met my husband as a teenager, but until I met him, I would do things with boys because I felt I only served one purpose anyways and it's either give it or have it taken from me, so easier to give it.  I dealt with depression a lot and in college I ended up gaining over 100 lbs due to the amount of drugs I was on to deal with my depression and suicide attempts.  I was also a big cutter.  These days really took their toll on my husband and I and I can imagine how bad it must have hurt him to see me feel this way, do these things, and he stand helplessly by and watch it.  He is an amazing man for believing I could overcome and get past this.  I did change colleges to the one he attended and things got better, graduated, got our first apartment and got married.  After we got married the demon came back to my head and I went back to depression, cutting, and wanting to kill myself.  I told my husband I was never going to have children because I didn't want to pass down the "crazy" that was in my head.  It was all I could refer to it as because it would just take over me.  I took pill after pill after pill.  One day I got tired of pills and I threw them away and never went back to the psychiatrist.  I found myself weighing 320 lbs and miserable.  I took drastic measures, I told my husband I had to pursue gastric bypass.  Oh at the time too I was going between starving myself for days at a time and binge eating, back and forth, back and forth.  On March 15, 2008 I had gastric bypass surgery.  I quit taking all the psychiatric meds and I started taking control of myself and my life.  I was getting into applied behavior analysis and learning more about triggers and what would set me off and spiral.  I wanted to move closer to family and so I got a teaching job closer to family and had to live apart from my husband while we figured out his job and everything.  It all ended up working out and I'm happy to say since that time I have not made another attempts on my life, I lost 160 lbs. and kept every pound of it off, and I am in control of myself and my life.  Even in the deep dark days of depression with infertility I never went back to how I was.

As a child my mom was very concerned with my appearance.  Comments would be made on not looking fat and especially comments were noticed on my love of food. This is how a lot of my weight issues started and I know ti wasn't intentional. I know my mom struggled with her own issues with weight and the way she looks.  If you talk to most girls, almost all have struggled with it.  This is what scares me.  I want my daughter to know what a beautiful, amazing person she is.  That healthy is what's beautiful and attractive along with self-confidence.  That she's better than all of that.  That a man who judges her based on anything other is not worth even a moment of her time.  Can I do it? Can I get rid of what TV just tries to show, the media, models, comments, etc and teach her that she is amazing just as God made her?  That I wanted her so bad that I would stop at nothing to bring her here with me to this life?

Everything about this journey has not gone according to my "plan".  I think I plan too much, but it's to try and keep myself in control.  I planned to get pregnant immediately when I started trying, have a baby born any month except December, which is my own birth month and something I've had issues with my whole life, and of course I was going to have a boy.  Instead I struggled for a couple of years, did the most extensive treatment I had tried on the month I knew would give me a December child, and of course, my miracle is going to be a girl.  I don't want to give her my issues, I don't want her to be me, I can't explain how much I need her to know that she is amazing and wonderful and loved beyond anything.

Also, a lot of my wanting a boy has to do with keeping something I lost and that is my Chase.  I always thought he'd be with me in one form or another and no longer feel him with me.  I think I knew I was having a girl for a little while now for that reason alone.  I had also built up pictures in my mind of raising a boy and so it's more of reworking what I had in my mind, although to be honest I am trying to stop planning and have expectations and just go from there.

Even though I always talked about a boy, pictured a boy, I am not disappointed to have a girl.  I am just scared and hope I can be the mom she deserves.  Right now I'm focusing on making sure my body can take care of her appropriately and this morning I am meeting with the high risk specialist to check on her placenta and go from there.

I hope this post doesn't offend anyone at all.  I felt a need to be honest.  I am getting more used to the idea and I am very happy about her, I just want to do right is all.

Sunday, July 14, 2013

I AM HAVING A......



GIRL!!!!

Gender Reveal Day!-What's your guess?

Thank you everyone for all your love and support.  Today I told myself I am putting away my fears and instead going to focus on my blessing.  I am so lucky to be here today and enjoy finding out if this precious baby is a boy or a girl.  I would love to see everyone's guesses, so feel free to post in the comments and I will update tonight with the gender.


Saturday, July 13, 2013

Another ER trip

I just got home from a 16 hr drive from my Scentsy convention. Yesterday while over a thousand miles away from home, I started bleeding. Bright red and flowing. Called my OBs office, they said go to ER. I went to ER and thankfully the baby is fine. However, I know my placenta must not have moved.

Tomorrow is my gender reveal party. Scrambling to finish getting ready and I do not care anymore. I don't feel like celebrating and all I care about is bringing home a living and healthy baby and I pray I do.

I see the specialist Tuesdsy and I'll go from there.

Friday, July 5, 2013

The scariest 4th of July ever!

My plan for yesterday was this: Get up early, clean house, get everything all nice, everyone coming over to my house for BBQ and hangout, and then fireworks on top of the building where my husband works since it is the best view ever.  They set them off from the lawn and then right there on the roof is perfect.

What ended up happening?  I was going to the ER at 8:30 in the morning since I was bleeding bright red.  Gobs on toilet paper and then I threw on a pad, couldn't find a heartbeat with the doppler and went to the ER.  I had a horrible, nightmarish experience.  I had to wait for 3.5 hours while the ultrasound tech on call got there to do my ultrasound.  I was at the ER a total of 6 hours.  The nurse blew two of my veins and my whole arm is bruised.  Just horrible, in the meantime I have no idea if I'm losing my baby or not.

I am lucky, the baby is fine.  Baby was active, heart looked good, everything was okay.  Bleeding stopped while at the ER.  They said my polyp was still there but I was good to go home and to call my OB in the morning.

Called my OB this morning and was seen immediately told to come in now.  He looked at the ultrasound from yesterday and did a pelvic.  He said the polyp is fine, he will leave it for now, but I do have a low lying placenta.  He said for now he's going to get me evaluated by the high-risk specialist, seeing her on the 16th, but for now I am okay.  He did said they will treat it like placenta previa if it doesn't go up.  He said the placenta should rise, but if not, as I progress I will be placed on bed rest and they will get me as close as they can to 37.5 weeks and then deliver the baby via c-section  We will see what happens.  For today the baby is okay and I am okay.  I was even cleared to attend Scentsy Convention next week and he gave me a manilla envelope with my prenatal records in case something happens and I have to go the ER.  I was also given better instructions for next time, if there is a next time, on the ER, but I'm feeling more confident overall.

My reveal party is on the 14th and I am lucky whether I am blessed with a boy or a girl.  Looking forward to finding out with family and friends.

Oh and we were still able to get the house looking descent and had the BBQ and an amazing fireworks show.  I am just so glad the baby is doing okay.  I am praying he or she continues to and that I'll be meeting him/her this holiday season.

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Harmony Test Results and a general update

I got the long awaited call from my OB today-The Harmony test results are in an they are negative.  While I was pretty optimistic they would be, there's nothing like being officially told everything is fine.  The hardest part about the phone call was being told they had my gender as well and would I like to find out.  Well, of course I want to know!  However, my dream for years had to been to have a cake reveal with close friends and family.  I told them no that I wanted the gender put in an envelope for me to pick up and take to the bakery.  I will be picking up the envelope tomorrow and getting it to the bakery in the next couple of days.  I am planning on doing my reveal on Sunday, July 14th.  This weekend is just too soon and Saturday morning I'll be getting back from Scentsy Convention in Indy, so this way I can do the reveal the next day and prep before I leave for my trip and hopefully with prepping and convention I won't be thinking about how bad I want to know, lol.  I'm looking forward to my party and finding out.

In other news, I'm now 16 weeks along.  I am not at all showing and I haven't gained any weight.  I lost 9 lbs in my first trimester and I've maintained it.  I have noticed changes in my body in the past day or two and a friend who was a lactation specialist for years told me she can tell in my hips that I'm pregnant.  I have a feeling in the next month I'll be showing.  I don't feel any kicks or flutters or anything, but I have been feeling a lot of cramping and round ligament pain as my body is changing.  Not complaining about a thing and feeling very lucky and blessed. In general I feel fine, in fact other than a mild wave of nausea here and there I have felt perfectly normal.  I think my heart is starting to accept what my head has known for so long.  I'm finally looking at nursery ideas, reading this great book called Baby Bargains, and starting to plan.  I have joy in thinking about my reveal party and planning it.  Up until now the moment I looked at anything baby a panic would set in.  I don't really talk about it with anyone other than very close friends and my husband and in general I am shy when people find out.  My husband has pretty much been telling anyone and everyone since he is so excited.

I finished cleaning out the room that will become the nursery.  Once I know the gender I can start making some decision and slowly start working on my registry. I'll probably buy furniture and start working on things in the fall, but for now it's nice and peaceful to sit in my baby's room and picture him or her in my arms rocking.  I can't believe this is going to be real and I hope that things continue to go well and that I really do meet my baby in December.

I know many of you are still trying, struggling, praying.  I am here for you still.  I follow you on the blogs and I try to stay active on the forums.  It is harder on the forums since I follow a few and my work schedule has been insane, but I am leaving my job on July 26th.  I will have a two and a half week break and then I'll be returning to my old position in the school district.  I will have a steady schedule, better house, it's closer to home, and I'm treated better.  I won't have the dangers of driving all around the Houston area 100-150 miles and occasionally more a day.