Saturday, November 9, 2013

Pity party for one

On Thursday night I had a horrible time sleeping.  I was very uncomfortable and in some pain.  I woke up at 5:00 am with contractions that felt pretty regular and were in high intensity than what I felt before.  I'd been having a hard time eating too, after every meal I ran to the bathroom to "clean out" my system.  With my OB back in town I called the office and they told me to go to the hospital since he was there doing a c-section.

Went to the hospital and they monitored me for a bit.  At first I had no cervical change, but after an hour I went from 3 cm to 4 cm and the contractions intensified some, but they weren't occurring at regular intervals and I didn't progress beyond the 4 cm.  They decided to give me injections of phenergan and demoral to relax my body so I would sleep and also they thought it would stop the contractions.  Their theory is that the pain of the contractions was stressing me and causing me to contract more, but without any real dilation or very slow dilation.  So they figured by giving me those it would knock me out and force my body to relax and we'd see what happens afterwards.  I came home and slept for about 4 hours.  I woke up for maybe an hour or two and went back to sleep for another 11 hours.  Woke up this morning just very groggy and depressed.  Heavy cloud of depression.

In my head I know I'm pregnant, I know there's a baby coming soon, even sooner than I anticipated.  In my heart it's dead.  I feel like I'm never going to hold my little girl that I'm trapped in some ongoing nightmare.  In the hospital I could hear sounds of excitement as babies are being born, people are holding them, and even people in the same position as me who they decided to admit and break the water to help get labor started.  I wish that was me, I wish I was holding my little girl.  I know it's soon, but it doesn't feel soon.

I knew the last stage of pregnancy sucked.  I knew I'd be bigger, more uncomfortable, in a bit of pain, like hips, legs, back, etc.  I expected labor to be very, very painful, enough that I would cry or scream with pain and that it would go on for maybe 24 hours.  I was prepared for all that.  I wasn't prepared for early labor of that I'd be in labor for a week or longer.  That I'd have painful contractions for hours that would stop or that doctors would stop.  That I would feel strange things in my body all the time and never understand or know what's going on.  That the only explanation for how I know I'm in real labor is "you'll know".  I feel lethargic, out of it, and most of all just very, very depressed.

Oh, and my Chase Tree officially died today.


  1. I've been thinking of you so often lately. Hope you're hanging in there, I know this isn't how you thought this would all happen, but you're in good hands and your sweet little girl will be healthy and in your arms, right where she belongs. Lots of love coming your way.