Friday, May 30, 2014

Post-Partum Anxiety

Since having Katie, I haven't felt "right".  I've had some issues, I've been more emotional and a little bit obsessive at times.  The house must be cleaned all the time, constantly washing bottles, washing her bedding, lots of laundry.  I've been more withdrawn at work, hiding even.  Not as chatty with co-workers.  Doing my job, but that's it.  I'm more of the "above and beyond" kind of worker and I haven't been.  I worry a lot, I have trouble sleeping even though she's been sleeping through the night for the last month.  My cats annoy me more lately.  I feel very paranoid, I think my friends don't like me, my co-workers hate me, etc.

A lot of these I've dismissed.  I told myself I was just tired, work was annoying, etc.  I didn't really acknowledge that this was getting in my day to day work.  Well, yesterday I kinda had to.

I had my evaluation at work.  I was dreading this.  Now, my boss and I are good friends.  However, since having Katie I've hardly spoken to her.  I freaked out once when I thought I got a mean look, convinced she now hated me, etc.  I've pretty much been avoiding her.  I read my evaluation before meeting with her and it wasn't my usual one.  I kinda knew it wasn't going to be.  It wasn't bad, but it wasn't Amber goes above and beyond. It was Amber does her job.  She sat me down and looked at me and said "talk to me".  I'm like, what?  She says, tell me about your year.  Mainly tell me about your year before Katie and after Katie.  And I got emotional and just said a lot of things, not sure any of it made sense.  She told me she was worried about me.  She apologized for not talking to me sooner and said I do my job, but it's not the same.  She said my teammates were worried about me too.  We talked for a long while, she gave me a huge hug.  Again, it wasn't a bad evaluation, it was honest and true.

I finished out my day, but kept thinking about what she said.  I looked up the only thing people talk about as it related to postpartum-postpartum depression.  Nope!  Clicked out.  I AM bonded with my baby, I love her, I don't regret having her.  In fact, I wish the world would go away and leave me alone with her forever.  Hmmmm.....  This isn't normal either.  I panic when I'm away from her.  At work, I obsessively check out developmental milestones, babycenter, looking for new toys, ideas, everything.  Katie, Katie, Katie.  On my phone I stare at pictures, videos, anything of hers I can get.  I count down hours, minutes until I see her.  I live for an email update on how she's doing that day.  I'm paranoid.

I start googling post-partum anxiety and I see very few things, but what I do see, seem to fit a bit better.  I texted my boss last night and thanked her.  She said she's just worried and wants me to get help and that she's there for me.  I'm really lucky this is my boss.  I can say a lot of bad things about my job, A LOT, but I can say I have some of the most caring people as members of my team.  Anyways, even though we really aren't in a financial position for this I'm going to call my acu and see about getting some help, even a few supps I can take.  I'm also going to call my OB and see about it.  And just see what else I can do.

Monday, May 26, 2014

Job update

I read my last post and saw that I put a "maybe lost his job".  It wasn't a maybe, it was a definite and it was done WRONG!!  Possibly illegal, we're making some inquiries.  He went from a 30 day notice to nothing by the end of the week and he did absolutely nothing for any of it.  His annual review was good, no issues with anything and then BAM!

We're trying to figure out how to make it.  I work in education, so I have the chance to work summer school for extra money.  He's filing for unemployment and searching for jobs like crazy.  I'm optimistic, but a little bit worried.  We'll make it though, I'm sure.

Anyways, I appreciate any prayers, good thoughts, etc. you send my way.  Clearly my medicated cycle is off for now, but hopefully soon.

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

T & P please!!

I got some very bad news from my husband yesterday.  He is probably going to lose his job.  He's been working there a year and felt his boss never really liked him.  He had a review back in March and it wasn't great, but it definitely wasn't bad, but it looks like his boss was just waiting for the one year mark.  He was put on some sort of growth plan after never being told there was an issue.  

He's going to be up front with his boss today and ask for time to seek out opportunities in another department.  His current job is an auditor for IT, but up until now he's actually been an IT guy with his education in IT and he even has a few certificates. He's been trying to move back to IT dept, but the company hasn't had any openings.  He's gotten to know a few of the IT managers so he's going to send them an email today, but it doesn't look good.

This means, of course, no injectables or anything like that.  Also, we don't even know we can stay in our house and we might be selling and moving.  Any thoughts or prayers you can send us would really mean a lot.

Thank you!!

Monday, May 19, 2014

Update-5 months

I know it's been a while since I blogged, about two months now.  Work has been hectic and I'm job hunting again and I've been busy with my little princess and also ATTC again.  I'd love to come on here and say yep, that +OPK resulted in a BFP, but of course that's not what happened.  I know I am so, so lucky as a woman with DOR that I conceived with my own eggs AND that injectibles worked and I didn't need IVF.  Not even that, my first round of injectables work.  I know for many of you, that would have been a dream come true.  I may not post as often, but I do read all the time.  It's hard for me to comment because my job uses google mail so I can't comment under my identity and unless there's an app I'm missing that lets you do blogger, I'm having issues with my phone too.  It's very hard to get on my PC these days, so I can read from my work or phone, but commenting is harder, but I swear, I haven't left you guys.  Jessah, Suzanne, Farra, and Veronica (even though you don't blog) especially, I pray for you everyday.  You ladies have been through so, so much and you deserve your baby(ies).

So, Kate Lyn is now 5 months old!!  She is a wonderful, wonderful girl.  She is mostly sweet with a bit of spicy.  Has a smile that would kill anyone, I should market her smile as a dangerous weapon for real!  She loves to talk A LOT, lol!  She's mastered rolling like she was born doing it.  Sitting and crawling are right around the corner.  If you help her sit up, she can hold her body for about a minute.  She can roll and scoot her butt around too and get all over the place.  I predict by 6 months she'll be crawling and sitting on her own.  Just in time for lots of summer fun!!  Here's a pic I took of her at exactly 5 months old (Friday)

So, TTC wise, where am I?  Well, I'm on cycle #4.  My LPs have been VERY short with the exception of this one, I'm currently 12 DPO, and I shot that unicorn dead with my BFN this morning.  Telling myself be glad my LP is back to more on the normal side since last few cycles AF came at 8 and 9 DPO.  I got my testing redone, my AFC is only 3 now!  It used to be 6-8.  My AMH did go up from .31 to .49, but I honestly don't know what AMH measures anymore, by AFC was a bigger deal to me.  I'm also Oing later, I've been consistently Oing CD 17, way diff than the CD 11-13 I was before.

What does this mean?  If I want Kate to have a sibling the time is NOW.  DH has his SA this Friday, I'll post results when they come in.  Once AF shows (I'm ready now, c'mon!), I'll have one last natural cycle and then right back to the protocol that landed me Katie.  We'll be doing Femara/Injectables/IUI and praying!!  I am back to my acupuncture and I think that's why my LP is now longer.

So, we'll see what happens this summer, hopefully #2.