Friday, May 30, 2014

Post-Partum Anxiety

Since having Katie, I haven't felt "right".  I've had some issues, I've been more emotional and a little bit obsessive at times.  The house must be cleaned all the time, constantly washing bottles, washing her bedding, lots of laundry.  I've been more withdrawn at work, hiding even.  Not as chatty with co-workers.  Doing my job, but that's it.  I'm more of the "above and beyond" kind of worker and I haven't been.  I worry a lot, I have trouble sleeping even though she's been sleeping through the night for the last month.  My cats annoy me more lately.  I feel very paranoid, I think my friends don't like me, my co-workers hate me, etc.

A lot of these I've dismissed.  I told myself I was just tired, work was annoying, etc.  I didn't really acknowledge that this was getting in my day to day work.  Well, yesterday I kinda had to.

I had my evaluation at work.  I was dreading this.  Now, my boss and I are good friends.  However, since having Katie I've hardly spoken to her.  I freaked out once when I thought I got a mean look, convinced she now hated me, etc.  I've pretty much been avoiding her.  I read my evaluation before meeting with her and it wasn't my usual one.  I kinda knew it wasn't going to be.  It wasn't bad, but it wasn't Amber goes above and beyond. It was Amber does her job.  She sat me down and looked at me and said "talk to me".  I'm like, what?  She says, tell me about your year.  Mainly tell me about your year before Katie and after Katie.  And I got emotional and just said a lot of things, not sure any of it made sense.  She told me she was worried about me.  She apologized for not talking to me sooner and said I do my job, but it's not the same.  She said my teammates were worried about me too.  We talked for a long while, she gave me a huge hug.  Again, it wasn't a bad evaluation, it was honest and true.

I finished out my day, but kept thinking about what she said.  I looked up the only thing people talk about as it related to postpartum-postpartum depression.  Nope!  Clicked out.  I AM bonded with my baby, I love her, I don't regret having her.  In fact, I wish the world would go away and leave me alone with her forever.  Hmmmm.....  This isn't normal either.  I panic when I'm away from her.  At work, I obsessively check out developmental milestones, babycenter, looking for new toys, ideas, everything.  Katie, Katie, Katie.  On my phone I stare at pictures, videos, anything of hers I can get.  I count down hours, minutes until I see her.  I live for an email update on how she's doing that day.  I'm paranoid.

I start googling post-partum anxiety and I see very few things, but what I do see, seem to fit a bit better.  I texted my boss last night and thanked her.  She said she's just worried and wants me to get help and that she's there for me.  I'm really lucky this is my boss.  I can say a lot of bad things about my job, A LOT, but I can say I have some of the most caring people as members of my team.  Anyways, even though we really aren't in a financial position for this I'm going to call my acu and see about getting some help, even a few supps I can take.  I'm also going to call my OB and see about it.  And just see what else I can do.

5 comments:

  1. Big hugs. I've always struggled with anxiety and it leads to some pretty awful feelings. Hope you're feeling better soon.

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  2. I'm so sorry you're struggling this way. I had no idea. That's great that you have a boss is the genuinely concerned about you. Hope you get the help that you need. Hugs!

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  3. I think you'd be abnormal if you weren't having a hard time adjusting, but you are doing all the right things and are open to finding solutions. How awesome you can talk to your boss about stuff too. If you ever need a good therapist to speak to by phone/webcam let me know. My lady is pretty awesome and specializes in infertility and has seen it all!

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  4. I wish you didn't have these struggles. Sending you lots of love. A good therapist could be a great idea. I highly recommend it!!

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  5. I experienced extreme PPA after having Brady. It was so intense that I begged my husband to take me back to the hospital just hours after getting home with the baby. On the way back, I had a panic attack and thought I was dying. We arrived and I basically screamed at the doctors to do something because I felt like I was going to die. It was the WORST thing I have ever experienced. I went on Zoloft...and it made a huge difference. Those first few months, however, were still a huge adjustment period, and I still have breakdowns from time to time. I have cut my Zoloft dose in half (slowly) over the past 5 months. I tried to cut down and go off it, but the anxiety came back...so I'm staying on my 50mg dose for a while now and will try to reduce again later. You are doing the right thing by realizing that you may need some help, whether it be drugs or counseling.

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