Thursday, December 31, 2015

Goodbye 2015

To say I'm glad today is the last day of 2015 is an understatement.  I've been through a lot in my life, but this year has probably been the hardest..... so far.

Christmas was hard.  Very hard.  I had the bittersweet moments of enjoying the heck out of Katie playing with her toys and being happy and loving it all, compounded with the profound hole of two perfect children who are gone from the picture.  I woke up and cried, then midway through the day I disappeared to my closet after watching David and Katie play together with her kitchen and cried and cried and cried for maybe 20-30 minutes. I just miss them so much.  I cried again that evening.  It was just a hard day and I felt their loss and lack of presence more than anything.

Since the day they died I've been begging and praying every day for a sign.  I haven't gotten one.  I haven't gotten anything.  Christmas was the last time I did this.  It's not going to come and they probably hate me, if there is anything after this world.  I don't know what to think or what to believe.

The past few days have been hard.  Then I started not feeling well.  I've done so much for my health.  Then this morning I woke up, had a shower, fed cats, got dressed, and I'm sitting at my computer.  My face and arms start burning and I'm beet red.  I take pics, text my sister who's a nurse.  I'm freaking out.  I'm planning on a medicated cycle next time and now I'm ready to crawl in a hole and I'm doubting it all.  My REs office isn't calling me back like they said they will, the not feeling well and random rash, I'm scared it's all a sign of bad things.  That maybe I should go hide in a cave and forget about all of this.  Maybe I'm stupid for even thinking there might be another child for me.  I don't know.

I've spent the week trying to be positive and thinking of all the possibilities and plans for 2016.  I really want to get my real estate license and do more with my EOs.  Now I sit here defeated.  Fuck you 2015, fuck you.

I edited this post on 1/2/16 since I meant to add this pic I took on NYE of lighting candles for my twins and I forgot.  Then I couldn't do it on my phone.

Thursday, December 24, 2015

This Christmas

To anyone reading this.  I'm aware of maybe 5-6 people who read this.  The rest of you, I'm not sure.  I look at the number of views and I'm always shocked and wonder who found me and who's reading and why.

Anyways, to anyone hurting and struggling this Christmas, I'm sorry for your pain. I know how bad it hurts and how lonely you feel.  I hope someone has reached out and let you know they care. Even if you've never commented and we don't know each other, please know that I do care. I'm wishing you peace and strength to get through the holiday.  It's what I'm wishing and praying for myself.   Hoping 2016 brings some things to smile about.

For those who are joyful this season and are celebrating within their hearts, I'm so happy!  I know a few people who's dreams and wishes have finally come true and I know this is one special Christmas. Congrats for the happiness you have and may 2016 continue with joy.

Thursday, December 17, 2015

Trying to survive December


I'm finally at the last month of this year.  I hate to call the whole year awful.  I started it with hope that I would conceive again and I did in January.  My husband had just gotten a job after 6 mos of unemployment.  Those twins brought me so much joy.  I was scared, of course, but so excited. Katie was going to be a big sister, I was going to be done TTC, I was finally completing my family.  I'll never forget our 10 year wedding anniversary on April 16th.  I made the official announcement on FB and as DH and I toasted I felt I had everything.  We all know six month later I lost two of the best things that ever happened to me.

Two weeks ago I got off the Lexapro.  I wasn't feeling much of anything on it and was even thinking of reducing and maybe stopping counseling.  I went two weeks without counseling.  I realized on Monday I can't cut that part out, I need it.  I'm having such a hard time right now.  My birthday was yesterday and all I wanted to do was cry and cry and cry.  I miss my kids so much.  My gut, my heart, my soul just misses them.  I want to hold them, tell them I love them.  Every single night, every single one, I beg, pray, ask for a sign, something.  I get nothing.  I want to know that they are okay, I want to know if they hate me.  I want them to know I'm sorry.

I'm functional.  I don't think about hurting myself.  I don't run out of work breaking down.  I don't hide and avoid others, but I'm in so much pain.  Christmas this year is just painful.  I want them here.  I'm supposed to be so tired and overwhelmed right now, but with joy.  Katie is more and more precious each day and that hurts my heart for the other two.  I also don't know what the future holds.  My birthday made me 35.  I'm AMA now and with DOR.  Last time I conceived was nearly a year ago.  I don't even know if I can.  My body is having so many issues and weird stuff right now.  I can't control it anyways and right now I don't have the money for a treatment.  

I feel angry right now.  So much anger.  I want this year to end.  I just want this year to die a horrible death and suffer just like my heart.  I don't want to feel what the rest of this month has to offer me.  I've never, ever experienced pain like I have in the past almost 7 months.  Counting my time away from them, not with them.  Counting milestones that separate me from them.

This time of year is just hard.  I just passed the two year anniversary of my dad's death.  I had a lot of complicated things there, unresolved issues.  My living child turning 2 and watching her grow and she's just so amazing.  I'm so lucky for her.  She's growing too fast for me though, I'm trying to savor and take in everything and she keeps changing all the time and I need to make this last.  I just turned 35.  Christmas and New Year's without my kids.  I want my kids.  I just want them.  My MIL texted me as I'm typing this for what time to be at her house on Christmas and I'm just crying and want to text back I'm not coming.  I don't want to come.  I don't want to do this.  There is no such thing as Christmas when they are not here.  I just want my husband to take my daughter and I want to be alone at home. Of course, I can't really do this, it would cause "issues".  Instead I'll put on the fake happy face and go.  New year's Eve is mine though.  I don't owe anyone anything, and that's my night to just remember them and be with them.  To sit in the dark with candles and hold my kids in my heart.




Wednesday, December 16, 2015

Kate is 2!!

At 8:21 am two years ago today, I became the mom of someone more amazing than I ever realized. Kate Lyn is everything I ever dreamed of and more. All the pain and tears of infertility were worth it to me when I held her and every day I thank my lucky stars for her. In two years this tiny infant has grown into a smart, sassy, strong-willed, sweet girl. She is gentle and kind to animals, obsessed with Barney, loves to climb, jump, and all things water. She enjoys books, coloring, chalk, and paint. She is so funny and has an amazing sense of humor. My girl is the whole package and I'm honored to be her mom. Happy 2nd birthday my wonderful girl!

Wednesday, December 9, 2015

Hard day

I can't stop thinking about them tonight. Today has been a hard day. I started emotionally okay, but it's gotten worse and worse. I want to cry, but the tears won't come. I miss them so much right now it hurts deep. Every night now for over six months, it's the same question, the same prayer. Please, please a sign that they are okay. A dream, anything. I'm doubting myself tonight. Do they hate me? Was I wrong to try and let go of the guilt? Am I selfish? Letting go of the guilt only benefits me and changes nothing for them. I'm hurting right now. I miss them.

I couldn't sleep last night and I'm exhausted. I need to sleep and not sure I can. So much on my mind right now, mostly pain and fear. I'm praying for peace. I need something. I hope I get it.

Tuesday, December 1, 2015

Making progress

Here it is December.  The last month of the year is here.  I don't know how to explain 2015.  I'm not sad to see it go.  I can't say I wish this year had never happened, because even though I only had Emma and Chase for a short while, I'm grateful I had them at all.  The year started off with my conceiving them and ended with empty arms,  No idea what 2016 will bring.

In October I hit my lowest of lows.  I got over another serious illness and was left in a serious depression.  I started counseling and got through my EDD, but emotionally I was drowning to the point of danger.  I'd drive to work and look around and start planning how to have an "accident".  I believed that I was unworthy to even have my daughter and she'd be better off without me and her dad would make sure she was okay and even find a real replacement.  Someone worthy of her.  I carried everything about Emma and Chase's death on my shoulders.  I believed I was the one who killed them, that I was no better than these monsters in the news.  That I failed them.

I hit rock bottom one day, sitting in my car at work crying.  Unable to function. I reached out to a friend and I called my counselor.  I was left with little option-go to a hospital or start taking a medication.  I was not okay.  I chose a medication.  The last thing I wanted was a hospital.  I guess I'm extra sensitive to meds, but I responded right away.  I was supposed to double the medication after a week, but I didn't.  I stayed on the same dosage since I saw progress.  I kept all my counseling appointments, which were starting to become twice a week and after the medication went to weekly.  Until this Monday.

I got through the six month mark.  I cried and I missed them and I struggled, but I wasn't in a dark hole I couldn't climb out of.  I was able to truly be thankful for what I do have on Thanksgiving and be okay, even though I wished with all my heart all my kids were with me.  I am doing better.  I've let go of guilt and that was through counseling.  I still have the shoulda, woulda, coulda, but I accept I didn't know better and really there were no signs I was so sick and that their lives were in danger until it was simply too late.  I'll probably never know why they are gone and there probably isn't a reason, it just happened.  I still wish and pray they'd visit me in a dream or let me know somehow they are okay, but for now I have to have faith that they're okay and they don't hate me.  I hope they know I did all I could and I wish I could undo what happened.

The Friday before Thanksgiving I decreased my medication in half.  I was on 5 mg of the Lexapro for over a week.  Sitting in my counselors office after 25 minutes of talking and nothing else to say, I asked her if I still needed counseling.  She told me I was doing really good and she recommends I go every other week for the remainder of this month and if still doing well, discontinue in January.  That I can always come back if I do treatments or something comes up and I need counseling again, but right now I'm doing pretty good.  I decided if I was this improved, then it was time to let go of the Lexapro.  I'd rather keep counseling as a tool than a medication since the counseling is what I need to continue coping.  The meds were to get me out of an emergency situation and it did.  Today is my first day without Lexapro.  We'll see how I do.  This is the first test of "how am I?"

I'm dealing with some guilt.  I'm doing better, I'm starting to move forward.  I'm evening thinking about treatments again in 2016 and imagining a new future, seeing Katie possibly with a new sibling, one that isn't Emma or Chase.  Being hopeful that she will grow up with someone and I'll get to experience a full pregnancy and baby once again.  So, what about them?  This is great for me, but what about my two children who are not here?  I feel in some ways like I'm moving on without them.  I know in my heart I'm not.  They will always be a part of me and my family, but at the same time it just feels like it and I feel guilty.  I still need to work on that part.

For now I can admit that I really am doing better, that I'm starting to put one foot in front of the other.  We'll see how it continues.

Thursday, November 26, 2015

6 months-Chase

Today is Thanksgiving and 6 months since my precious son, Chase, went to join his sister. Even though it's been the hardest six months I can imagine, I am so thankful for my 3 kids. Even knowing how the story of Emma and Chase would end, I'd never change or undo it. I'm lucky for every minute I had with them and always will be.

I'm up way early thinking about my precious boy and wondering the man he would've been. I'd dreamed of a son Chase for so long and now he's with his sister, so she isn't alone. I love my boy so much.

Wednesday, November 25, 2015

6 months-Emma

It's been 6 months since Emma was born.  In some ways it seems like yesterday and in some ways a lifetime ago.  I know the "me" of 6 months ago and the "me" of today are not the same.  I know the "me" of today and who I'll be 6 months from now aren't the same either.  I'm not sure who I am or how I've changed.  I'm still in the middle of it all and some days are more clear than others.

I spent a lot of today thinking about Emma.  Who she would've been, what her personality would've been like.  How she would've similar and different from her sister and brother.  My middle child.  I'm a middle child too.

I started off doing okay, but midway through the day I struggled a lot.  I just missed her.  I wished I'd had more time, a lifetime.  I wished I could hold her and tell her I love her and how much she means to me.  I hope she knows that.  I'm still waiting for a sign.  I still pray and ask for one before bed each night.  I made it through my day though with Emma in my heart.

My precious Emma! For the rest of my life, I will carry you in my heart every single day.  You will never be forgotten.  I am lucky for the time I had with you, lucky that even for just a little bit, you were mine.  No one can take that away from me, from us. I love you, my sweet girl.

Monday, November 23, 2015

MOTN

I was up in the middle of the night.  I just suddenly woke up and looked at Katie in the monitor.  I kept wishing she'd wake up and need a bottle like she used to.  I remember the night feedings, rocking and holding her and I knew I'd miss it.  As exhausted as I was, it was special.  I'd hold her and kiss her and rock her and feed her and just marvel at how lucky I was.  How I hoped everyone struggling will experience this.  As I stared at my sleeping toddler I just kept wanting her to wake up and be my baby again.  How quickly it all goes.  She's nearly 2!

Then I realized I'm supposed to be up in the middle of the night.  I'm supposed to be up with two babies. I'm supposed to be exhausted with two babies and struggling to make it through this time because they are here, not struggling because they are not.  Not awake with empty arms asking why this happened.

I sit here wondering how this could've happened and at the same time, was it all a dream?  What is the future?  Do they hate me?  Will Katie ever have a living sibling?  Do I need to accept life the way that it is?  I don't know.  I miss them.

Sunday, November 22, 2015

Struggling

I've been having a hard time the past few days.  Yesterday was really hard and today is only a little bit better.  I think it's because of the the holidays.  Facebook is full of sibling photos, lots of friends either pregnant or recently having children and I'm so happy for them, but just sad for what was supposed to be this holiday and isn't.  What only I will recognize in my heart, but my family won't acknowledge.  I have a few friends I can lean on and I'm grateful for them.  You know who you are and you have no idea how much it means to me that I can mention them or talk to them or just be "me", whatever that is now. I'm starting to realize that some friendships might be changing or might be going away altogether.  I don't know right now.

I realize this is all pointless ramble.  I just miss my kids.  I wish they were here on Earth with me and my husband and Katie.  I wish I was exhausted and overwhelmed because of night feedings and a toddler.  I wish I was planning outfits and pictures and showing off my 3 beautiful kids. I know I am lucky for the one that I have and I realize it every single day and have since the moment I saw that BFP.  My twins were worth it too.  As much pain as it's been to say goodbye to them, if given a choice between never knowing them or losing them like I did, I'd do it all over again.  I'm grateful for every minute I had of them, I only wish it had been so much more.

I'm hosting Thanksgiving and starting to feel overwhelmed by it.  I normally do, but it's grief on top of it and it's just tough. Their memorial causes my husband pain, so I'll be moving it to a closet.  I feel like I'm locking up my kids.  I feel so alone even though I'm almost always around other people. I'm glad I have counseling tomorrow.  I hope it's a better session than last time.

There's also the infertility the worry of whether or not Katie will have a living sibling. I just want to be passed all of this.

Tuesday, November 17, 2015

Ramblings

I honestly don't know how I'm doing.  I guess in some ways better.  I'm letting go of guilt and accepting more than they died and there's nothing I could've done to save them.  The signs that I missed were missed by a lot of people, not just me, and were common signs of a pregnancy.  I will forever wish I'd noticed something sooner or instead of on a blood test, but I didn't know what I didn't know.  I didn't mean to harm them and I didn't mean to kill them.  I'm starting to understand anger and express it more, which is progress in the grieving process.  I'm also able to really think and process things unlike before.

However, I don't know how much is me and how much is medication.  I had counseling yesterday and was disappointed with it.  I didn't feel it really helped me much or that it was anything more than random talking about stuff.  I might give it a few more sessions, but maybe it's pointless now.  I don't know.  It started off with "what do you want to talk about?"  Um, I don't know.  That's why I'm here.  I told her I'm considering getting off the medication over the holiday break to see how I do and see if I have enough tools to cope without it or if it's too soon.  I felt slightly judged by that decision and could tell she didn't agree with it, but I also feel pretty emotionless right now and without direction.

I'm starting more and more to think about trying again for a living sibling for Katie.  I just watch her and want nothing more than to add t my family and give her a companion to grow up with.  She's going to be two in just under a month and the distance I'd hoped between her and a sibling continues to widen more and more with each passing month.  We do not have the funds for fertility treatments since my husband needed a cpap, there's extra medical bills from my kidney hospitalization, holidays, and Katie's birthday.  We're hoping maybe my inlaws can help us fund a cycle in the New Year.  If not, then maybe once we receive a tax return.

One thing I really wanted was something to represent all 3 of my kids that was the same.  Not something that separates them into living and not living.  I have footprints, the actual ones, of all 3 of my kids.  I found an Etsy seller who can customize them on ornaments and had this done for each of my kids.  They arrived yesterday and I love and treasure them beyond belief.


Tuesday, November 10, 2015

Counseling and realizations

Last night I had counseling with DH. So far he had a session without me to just talk to the counselor about me and kinda tell her what he sees at home and then I've had a few sessions.  I've been going for about a month now and I've had 6 sessions. I can definitely see improvements within myself and I don't think it's just the Lexapro.  I'm starting to let go of some of the guilt after my session last Thurs.

My counselor was mentioning a family member of mine that has an alternate view of everything.  Like she doesn't see what life is for what it is so everyone adapts to her.  The counselor then asked me if anyone blamed for their deaths.  I said no, just me.  She then said, then doesn't that maybe make me similar to this family member?  That I too live an alternate world if I think one way and everyone else thinks another?  You can def said I was mind blown and processed a lot and found the next day I'd begun to let go of some of the guilt.

So last night the session included my DH.  After the session when I was processing and today I found myself getting angry.  I heard my DH talk about how he boxes up all his emotions regarding the twins and takes them out when he can handle it.  He doesn't think about them every day and finds it annoying that I do or when my pain is obvious since it forces him to know why. He also said he finds the shelf in the dining room a "graveyard" and it bothers him to see it, but he's willing to deal with it until I get "over it."

Um, I'm never getting "over it" buddy.  My kids died.  I will move on, I will move forward, I'll even try to add to our family, but nothing will replace them, nothing will undo their existence or loss.  I carried them in my body for 19 weeks.  Everything I did or didn't do for a full 19 weeks was because of them.  At 19 weeks they moved from my uterus to my heart where they continue to reside within me. I gave birth to each of them alone.  Not his fault, he was home with Katie, but nontheless I birthed those children, 28 hours apart.  I also fought a life threatening infection that took a long time for me to physically recover from.  I also had to deal with the postpartum effects of giving birth.  My milk came in, hormones changed, my body went into labor, hormones changed to help support living children, and when it was given the chance, went through changes to return back to it's natural non-pregnant state.  At the same time as I'm recovering from this infection that killed them and almost me and I'm learning to live without my children.  It took a while for me to get to the point where I could even begin to grieve due to the shock of it all.  Once I did, I found that my family and friends (not online friends who I can say a few have really been there for me no matter what and you have no idea how much I love you) didn't want to deal with my grieving.  I went to work where I had to try and put my grief away, came home where I tried to put my grief away.  My grief had no place.  I had one person I could talk to in real life, really talk to about them.  She reads this blog sometimes. I have one other who reads this blog also and messages me and I know loves and cares about me and wants to see me get better, but I'm not sure can hear me talk about them a lot. Otherwise, it's my amazing online support who's been there for me.  The blog where I lashed out?  I realize now those words were for my family and friends.  The ones I've been there for and supported, but didn't give me back the same because their own emotional needs come before mine. It's no wonder I basically imploded.  It's no wonder I was losing it.  What else was I to do with it?  Especially when those supporting me online were feeling like I wasn't really talking to them because I thought they also didn't want to hear about them from me.  I projected this onto everyone who was there, assuming no one was.

So, now what?  Well, I'll move the supposed "graveyard", I mean, it's a shelf.  My kids were supposed to have a room and cribs.  I didn't realize a shelf to remember and honor them by was asking for too much, but fine.  I'm moving it to the bedroom that was supposed to be theirs.  This way I can be in a place that's for them and not worry about anyone else.  If I conceive again, I'll figure out where to move it to if that child survives and we start to prepare that room for them.  Probably my side of the closet since I put them where they still won't upset DH. I'll worry about it if that time comes.  I'll talk to those who are there for me and support me and not expect support from others.  It's hard with DH.  We've been together for 18 years and married for 10.  We go through everything together, but apparently not this.  Apparently this is to be separate.

I have anger now and not sure what to do with my anger.  I'm hoping this blogging helps.  I'll probably try to take a walk or maybe even jog tonight to try and rid myself of some of the anger.  I am getting better at least and starting to realize things I didn't before.  I think I am going to move forward better than my husband because I am dealing with this every single day, a bit at a time, and learning how to live in this new world I find myself in.  It's good I'm starting to let go of the guilt and I think soon I'll be able to stop the Lexapro since I'll have more tools in my belt to help me cope, but one day at a time.

Tuesday, November 3, 2015

Post EDD

Yesterday at work, I lost it.  I had a minor thing happen, since as usual I woke up in fight or flight mode and got myself to work.  I had a minor trigger, the feather on top of everything and in desperation got to my car not to be seen where I cried.  I tried to message one friend and she was unavailable at that moment, so I messaged another and was able to speak with her. She got me through my moment and I got the mascara off my face and went back to work.  

I had counseling yesterday too and talked to her for a bit.  I said I thought it would get better after the EDD, but it's worse.  She asked why I thought it might be.  I said before the EDD they weren't supposed to be here, now they are.  They should be here and they aren't, it's why I think it's worse.  I also always get a bit nuts around the holidays, they cause me anxiety.  I told her right now I honestly can barely make it day to day.  I don't know how to function or how to get through it.  Even a week between counseling I don't know how I'll make it.  She scheduled me for Thurs, so that I don't have to go a week this week.  And she asked me very seriously if I needed to be hospitalized.  I told her I didn't want to be.  I realize I didn't actually answer her question because I don't want to.  I'm sinking.

She had a session last week with David.  Not really for him, but for me.  To learn about what he saw from my current level of functioning.  Exercise came up and when she met with me this week she said she wants me moving more.  We agreed to 3x a week for 30 min.  She said studies show it helps with depression.  We talked meds.  I told her how the Valium and Xanax quit working.  Just nada at all.  She asked about anti depressants.  I told her I have a VERY bad history with them, but that I had a bottle of Lexapro at home.  We agreed I'd just try it and see.  If there's issue I can discontinue.  I took my first pill last night.  We also talked about mindfulness/meditation.  I told her I had trouble on my own, she recommended an app, I downloaded one last night and did it last night and this morning.

Today I woke up at 3:00 am, just unable to go back to sleep.  I'm exhausted.  I tried to mindfulness app and did meditation.  I feel calmer so far, but I can feel the anxiety starting to build up in my gut.  I'm not to fight or flight and I'll probably do more meditation after this post to try and keep it at bay hopefully.

I'm so ashamed of where I'm at.  At how much I'm struggling and how low I am.  I feel guilty that I do have a wonderful living child and I can't balance my life right now between the life and loss.  I hope there is a way to get through this.

Friday, October 30, 2015

more rambles

So today I'm a bit calmer.  Still feeling like I could cry at the drop of a hat and feeling sensitive, but compared to yesterday, better.  I'm even having some anxiety, but I don't feel like the fight or flight that I think I was dealing with yesterday.

At work today I had someone ask me about my pregnancy.  This has happened a few times throughout the year since I go to many different schools and I was obviously pregnant in May and obviously not now.  In fact what catches everyone's attention is the extreme weight loss since then.  At any other time in my life that would be a good thing, but I'd trade in the weight loss in a heartbeat for them.  I've lost weight due to the two illnesses I've had and now the grief and depression.  I don't eat very much.  I think it also looks more extreme than what it is because I was pregnant and at 19 weeks with twins, you def look it so to go from that to normal, but with some weight loss is very noticeable.

Anyways, back to this person who asked me.  She started off asking about another coworker who had a baby over the summer and has relocated to another state.  Then I could tell she wanted to ask what happened to me since last time I saw her she knew I was pregnant and this was maybe a week or two before the loss. So I just said it, I said I was supposed to have babies too.  She goes I know, you were pregnant with twins right?  She said I heard you were sick, but I don't know the details and wasn't sure if it was rude of me to ask, but I think about you and have been wondering what happened and how are you.  So I told her.  I told her the story of the day(s) I lost them. How far along I was, what prompted me to go to the ER, my water breaking, seeing two beautiful babies with hearts beating in the 160s and then told one WILL die and the other one probably will.  The day before my gender reveal.  I told her about being put in a room to wait to deliver a baby I knew would never live and at the same time knowing this baby was alive now and it was the act of birth before the lungs were ready that would cause death.  That I found out her gender as I was waiting to say goodbye.  Then I messaged the only other person who knew the second gender so we could name them.  So they wouldn't be baby A and baby B, but have names.

I told her Emma was born about 12 hours after my water broke and how I beat the odds by only delivering one baby.  I told her about holding Emma and seeing Chase on ultrasound and how well he was doing.  Well, I told her before how sick I was after delivering Emma that they were going to take me to surgery and remove Chase because the infection had gotten worse and I was becoming septic, but I stabilized so they gave me the option of continuing to carry him.  I told her about holding Emma in my arms, Chase alive in my belly, heart still beating in the 160s and just praying that he makes it and how 28 hours after I delivered Emma, I delivered him too.

I told her about the guilt I feel.  About how they were perfect and had I not gotten sick they'd be here right now.  Little newborns, their first Halloween tomorrow.  I told her I was having a hard time with it, but I started counseling and it was going to be okay.  She gave me a hug and told me she'd keep me and my family in her prayers and then I had to go to another campus.  She told me I'm doing so good to be coming to work and doing my job.  In my head all I could think was, I'm nothing like the worker I used to be.  I'm not doing the job as well as I'm known for, I'm barely coping.  I wasn't going to admit that, especially when it could end up somewhere.  Right now I work enough where no one seems dissatisfied or anything.

As I drove in my car I realized I don't spend a lot of time thinking about those 4 days in the hospital.  The day I found out I was going to lose Emma and most likely Chase.  The day I actually lose Emma, followed by the day I actually lost Chase, followed by the day they spent medicating the heck out of me so they could send me home to get better since they knew my emotional health wasn't well and I needed to be with my family.  I spent time in my drive really thinking about those days and from start to finish.  To looking at the ultrasound and seeing living children to being told I'd never hold them alive in my arms.  I think it's the first time in thinking about it hat I realized what I'd been through. Not what my husband went through, not what Emma and Chase went through, but what I went through and all the emotions that went along with it.  I also realized and acknowledged for the first time to myself while remembering that I went through a lot and I went through it twice, one after the other.

I think it's an important realization for me and maybe part of my healing to realize this. That I went through something.  This was horrible and it was traumatic and yes, I feel guilty since I'm the one who was supposed to keep them safe and protect them and instead I got sick and killed them.  I realize it was unintentional, but the road to hell is paved with good intentions, right?  At the same time I went through a lot. I also have more than one kind of guilt going on.  Guild number one I talk about a lot, they died because I failed them.  The second one is that all of us were sick.  I was sick too, the only difference is they could only save me and not them.  I also feel guilty about that-survivors guilt.

I also spent some time yesterday talking to two very wonderful ladies and I process things later.  So in thinking about my conversation with them and then thinking about others I know who've had loss, it hit me it's a process and it's stages and even though it's been 5 months, I'm only beginning in the grief process.  There's people years out who are still dealing, still trying, and that it really and truly will affect me forever.  I won't be where I am today forever, but I'll always have missing pieces where they should be.  I'll always wonder and think about them and miss them.

What I need most of all is to know, and I mean truly know, that THEY forgive me.  That THEY don't hate me.  I need this for myself and I don't know how to get it.  I pray every night for a sign, something, anything, but I don't get it.

I'm still in pain today, but it's different from yesterday.  I'm more numb, which I think is a protection thing, but I'm also aware that I went through something too.

My next counseling session was supposed to be next Thurs.  I was in a panic at having to go that long since I saw her Tuesday.  I was thinking of asking for a session on Monday when she randomly called me and said she had a conflict with Thurs, would it be possible to move to Monday.  Thank goodness!!

My goal for this weekend is to enjoy my second Halloween with my daughter no matter what and to try and focus on her like I did the day we went to the pumpkin patch.  She's going to be a bunny this year.

Thursday, October 29, 2015

Sorry

I'm feeling very ashamed and embarrassed after my last post.  Some days or even just moments the pain is so bad I don't know I'll ever get to the next.  I know I have a support system I can reach to, but I'm scared they'll stop because this is taking too long, because it's been 5 months and I think I'm worse, not better.  Scared people will dread or avoid talking to me 'cause I'm down again all the time, so I don't say anything to anyone.  Then it gets to be too much and I can't handle the pain.

I still feel the guilt.  There are so many layers to this.  The guilt is so strong.  What if?  It doesn't matter.  They're gone.  There is no "if" only "is", and what "is" is they are gone.  My counselor is really great.  I'm very comfortable with her.  She's done stuff with me on mindfulness and she's getting me ready for EMDR by doing some practice stuff.  I've only been going for a few weeks though so it will take some time.

I had a few people reach out to me after my post and then I read what I posted.  I seldom read my own blogs.  I've had an issue reading the things I write for years it stems from lots of things, but I realized how mean it seemed to my support system and I feel so bad and guilty.  Like I lashed out.  I had no reason to lash out. I just didn't know how to ask for help and I did it in a very wrong way and to everyone who commented on my previous post, texted, sent me messages, I'm sorry.

I know I send mixed messages to some people, especially those closest to me and it's just so hard.  I don't mean to, I'm just confused myself most of the time on how I really am or what to do or how I feel.  I don't know how to navigate this.

Right now I'm feeling like a failure.  I failed my twins, I fail my living child, I fail my husband, my friends, my family.  I feel like I can't do anything right.  I feel like people hate me, maybe because I hate me and I think people should hate me.  I just want to disappear and come back when I can be normal again, but I know I have to find a new normal and I don't know what that is.

Anyways, I am sorry.  I appreciate everyone who's here for me.  From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

Wednesday, October 28, 2015

IF vs loss

For years my life was about infertility. I made friends through a community and felt like there was a commonality. Now with loss I feel alone. Like no one understands. I have almost no one to talk to. People who were my friends rallied with me at the beginning, but every day I feel less support. On the EDD hardy anyone reached out to me, including other loss mom's.

I don't know what to think or what to do. I might ice my FB after Halloween until Thanksgiving and just post pics of Katie or maybe just screw it all together. I never thought of myself as the kind to deactivate my account. Maybe just create a new account for those I want to keep up with since I lose messenger when I deactivate. I don't know. I just feel I give more support than I get and I'm usually fine with it, but I'm having very hard days and feeling like very few understand or care.

I also GO a few BBC groups I might step down from and maybe quit that too. I just don't know.

Maybe it's just a perception and not reality. I don't know anymore.

Sunday, October 25, 2015

5 months

As I typed the title it just hit me.  Has it really been 5 whole months since I said goodbye to them? 5 months?  Seems like a long time, but it also doesn't.  I feel almost everyday like I'm just finding out they're gone.  But it's been nearly half a year since I said goodbye.

Medical front, I think I updated last time that all my tests from the infectious disease dr came back normal, there's no more tests to be ran.  I was waiting to do an u/s on my kidney to make sure there was no scaring or any issues from my recent infection, I'm now 100% clear from that too.  There are no physical barriers to my TTC again.

Emotional front: yeah, not even.  This has probably been the hardest month.  I have literally tried to survive each day.  I thought once I made it to the EDD it would end, but I was wrong.  That night I started sinking into a deep depression, I don't even remember Wed just I was in a deep cloud of depression, guilt, grief, and helplessness.  Thursday I didn't know how I was going to physically live out the rest of my days.  I wasn't suicidal, but I honestly couldn't handle the pain in my heart.  I wasn't doing well at all.  Although I had counseling on Tuesday I decided to reach out.  I knew you could call an on-call therapist if you really needed it.  I called and hung up on voicemail I can't even remember how many times.  Finally I left a voice message.  I sang deeper into depression as I waited for a phone call back.  I thought about how nothing was ever going to be okay, about how many people have lost and suffered and were doing better than me, about what a stupid baby I was, about how I was failing my oldest child and my loving husband, failing my friends, and not performing to my usual level at work. I left another message.  My counselor called me back in the afternoon apologizing saying she'd been back to back all day and preferred to talk to her clients herself.  She asked if I was available for another appointment and I said sure.  I went in.

I'm glad I did.  I've felt better since then.  Better right now means not feeling helpless or like it's never going to be okay.  It's means when I stare at my oldest I don't cry or want to get away from her because I feel unworthy of her presence.  It means I can actually eat some food and be with my family.  I can be more productive at work.  I am not happy, but I don't feel like I'm on the verge of losing it or thinking of how the world would be better without me in it.  It means I can function.  I'm not proud that this is what "better" is, but it's what it is.

My counselor talked to me a lot and we found the root of the issue lies in the guilt I have for their deaths.  How I failed them and how I'm continuing to fail others around me.  She also did a full exercise on mindfulness, which went okay until she got into self compassion and then panic set in.  I don't have that.  I don't have an ounce of self-care, sympathy, or any desire to do anything for myself.  I feel I should be punished for what I did, so I do it to myself.  I have a feeling we will work on this some more.  I feel that by punishing myself the twins get some kind of "justice", although I guess their true justice won't be until I destroy myself.  At the same time I know I can't do that, and while there's many reasons, the main one is Katie.  I can't show that as an example to her and I can't do it to her.

AF arrived. 5 months since Emma was born and I'm on cycle 7.  I know I don't really ovulate even though when I charted it appeared I did, with +OPK, temp changes, etc.  However my LP was always so short and medicated cycles with bloodwork have shown very large follicles without mature eggs in them.  This cycle my body never even gave me the +OPK.  Not sure what that means for my DOR.  Even normal women have cycles where their bodies are off.  Truth is, I don't care.  I'm not trying to conceive right now.  I'm giving it the rest of this month and next.  DH and I will talk again at the end of November and see where I am emotionally. It wouldn't be good for me to try another treatment in my current mental state, if it worked, it wouldn't be fair to that baby either.

I'm excited for one thing though.  I knew I had footprints of the twins and I wanted personalized ornaments, one for each baby with their name, date, and actual prints.  No wings, no nothing, just feet, they were babies, children, not everything I want associated with their death or angels.  What i wasn't sure of is, did I have Katie's as well?  I do!!!!  I found them.  I will have 3 ornaments coming my way soon with all 3 of my kids footprints.  Different colors, Katie's is purple, Emma pink, Chase blue, but all my kids footprints.  I'm excited to get them and have them.  I'm also working on a charm bracelet that will be made for me.  It will have 5 charms, but working on the financial piece.  It will have their actual footprints as well.  I feel a need to have them on me and while I have a tattoo design in my mind, I won't do that until I've completed my family.

I feel like this was just rambling.  Not sure how much updating I'll be doing.  For sure to show my ornaments.  My next counseling appt is this Tuesday.

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

EDD and beyond

Yesterday was my EDD.  I was going to post, but as the day went on I struggled more and more and had a harder time.  By the evening I was really a mess, plus I had counseling and no energy to post.  One thing I really wanted and with DH's help was able to get was a picture of my three kids, or rather, the closest thing I can ever get to a pic of my three kids.  Here they are:



Emma bear is on the left and Chase bear is on the right


I was touched by the acts of kindness people did on behalf of my kids.  I did two different things.  I gave a $20 and some notes about my twins to a coffee place to cover the coffee of some patrons and then also dropped off three batches of mixed flavor cookies in different areas of my job with a note of explanation on the box of cookies.  I was in awe at all the stories I heard from people throughout the day and it meant a lot. 

I was honestly disappointed with the lack of people who checked in to see how I was doing, but that's just how it is and I'm focusing and appreciating those who did.  So here I am past the due date.  In honesty the date meant nothing, they were never going to make it past 38 weeks and it wasn't likely I'd even make it that far.

Now I have to figure out how I move forward.  What I do now.  Well, it's something I've been trying to work on since May.  My second counseling appointment went well.  We focused on the guilt that I'm feeling. Talked a lot about my head vs my heart.  That logically I know I didn't kill them, as in intentionally do anything to cause them harm, but at the same time emotionally I feel like I neglected them and ignored signs and used excuses for why I wasn't feeling great.  Also the guilt of denying myself anything pleasurable, for instance, no pumpkin spice lattes, none of my hobbies, etc.  That I on purpose "punish" myself and make myself suffer because why do I deserve anything of joy when they'll never experience it?  That I just feel very guilty "living" while they never will so I deny myself that.

It led into what my beliefs are regarding afterlife.  I am not Christian, I am unsure of reincarnation per se. I do believe there is a next thing, that everyone goes to the same place after (our souls do) and maybe it's back to Earth, maybe it's something completely different, I don't know.  I said I needed to know, like know in my heart they didn't blame me or hate me and I don't know how to get that.  I pray every single night that in a dream or something, I have some kind of revelation.
I also mentioned to her about how I felt the night of the Wave of Light when we did the candles and the peace and how for that short amount of time I felt it was all okay.  She asked if I can bring that moment back and I said in memory, but I don't feel as strong like I did at that moment.

We talked about "mindfulness" to help with the anxiety and to bring myself back whenever my mind starts to go places, especially to when I think I failed them and all the ways and bring myself back.  I think she'll touch more on that, but it was sort of a sprinkle as they say of mindfulness.


That was pretty much the whole session.  My next appt is next Tues at 8:00 pm.  We scheduled two weeks out so I don't have to have it so late, so the week after next it will be at 7:00 pm that Thurs.  I'll be seeing her weekly for a while and I'm lucky that my insurance has unlimited visits and coverage. 
I felt very comfortable with her.  I didn't feel judged in any way.  

Today I just feel sad and empty.  Just void of anything.  I just hurt and I hope that somehow there's a future out there, that I can come out of this where I feel it's right for me and right for them. 

Sunday, October 18, 2015

In honor and memory of Emma and Chase

Tuesday, October 20th, would've been the due date of Emma and Chase. While they never, ever would've been born on this date it's still a milestone in my head.

I am asking that anyone who wants to participate this Tuesday, please do one or two acts of kindness for someone(s) in the names of Emma and Chase.


It would mean a lot that the person know who this is done in memory and honor of. It can be just written on a piece of paper for a cashier to hand to someone with their order or be done in person. Doesn't need to be anything long, just in memory or honor or whatever words you choose and their names. If one act, then both their names. If two acts them one per child.


Again, no offense or anything to anyone who chooses not to do this and it doesn't even have to cost money. It can be anything that makes someone's day a little bit better, even as simple as reaching out and checking on someone you haven't talked to in a while or you know is struggling.


It would mean a lot if just for one day the world is a slightly better place because they existed.For anyone who chooses to participate, I'd love to hear about it. Thank you!

Thursday, October 15, 2015

Wave of Light 10/15

I lit the candles on the memorial shelf for Emma and Chase.  This is the first time I've lit their candles.  Their EDD is 10/20 and I will light them again then.



I lit this one in honor and memory of all the babies gone too soon. Thinking of everyone with an angel baby and wishing they were in the their arms instead.  I'll never forget last year lighting a candle and thinking about everyone I knew who had a loss.  I never imagined a year later I'd find myself among them. At least I know my angels are in the best company I could ask for, if they can't be with me.


I thought this would be harder tonight.  I thought I'd be crying and breaking with every piece of me.  Instead I feel peace and love.  I'd like to think it's my babies looking down on me and telling me it's okay.  It wasn't my fault and they are okay and they are always with me.  It's what I want to believe and I hope is true.  All I know for sure is right now I feel a lot of peace.  

Testing results


Just wanted to update all that all my tests have come back from the infectious disease doctor. They all came back normal. Meaning I have no nutritional deficiencies and nothing wrong with my immune system that would cause me to get infections more often or worse than other people and that my immune system fights off everything as it should. There is no medical reason at this time as to why this happened or to indicate this would happen again.

It's no secret I'm not emotionally well. My husband and I talked last night. We will continue trying naturally since I've not had a natural conception ever and I went off birth control over 4 years ago. I feel a natural conception would almost be divine intervention and a completely different thing than one done via fertility treatments. However, we've decided that until I'm in a better place with my mental health we will wait for fertility treatments. Mainly my husband said I have to let go of the guilt and accept that there is no way I could've saved them and that I did nothing to cause their deaths and that it wasn't possible for me to prevent it either. He said once I can look in his eyes and let go of that aspect, we can resume fertility treatments.

I know this won't happen this month, it may or may not next month (latter part if it does). I think I'm probably looking at December or January. I'm going to do the very best job I can with therapy. I'm going to try any tools she gives me, read anything she asks me too, and accept the help.

Wednesday, October 14, 2015

RE Consult

I've been sitting in my car just crying and crying and crying.  Weirdly, I don't cry very often.  Here and there, but as far as heartfelt sobs for my kids, that rarely happens.  I'm at work in the day, then I come home and take care of Katie, dinner, chores, you know stuff, then get her to bed, then it's do the chores you can't do while she's up, get the house in order, then it's pretty much bedtime.

Weekend it's fake happy so that I don't bring down my family and everyone near me.  I rarely have a chance to be real.  Left the REs office though and asked DH to go to his parents house to get Katie because I just needed to be alone and I cried and cried and cried all the way home and then sat in my garage and cried more.  Now I'm just empty.

Back to the consult. Lets start with awkward.  Guess who gets in the elevator with me?  My former OB.  I kid you not.  He recognized me too.  Asked how everything was.  I just looked down and said I lost them and he said he was sorry and genuinely seemed to mean it.  I have nothing against the guy and I started feeling guilt like maybe it was sign I made a mistake when I switched.  I delivered Katie with him, but switched OBs about 13 weeks in with the twins since I didn't feel I was getting the right care and also the hospital issue.  The hospital the new OB delivered at is just better than the other all around.  It has a better NICU, which I was expecting with twins and considering what happened, wish that had happened instead.  

The RE appt went pretty good.  He said he was so sorry the kidney thing happened.  Like every doctor I've seen, him, my pcp, the kidney specialist, the high risk OB, and even the infectious disease dr who is running the tests just to make sure, he says none of this is related and it's really just been a string of very bad luck.  That unfortunately he's seen many women have many losses for no good reasons and then it works.  He said physically there is no reason on Earth I can't conceive and carry a pregnancy. He did recommend a probiotic, which others have too and I've been taking since I got home from the hospital.  He also told me I need to work on healing more emotionally.  That physically I can do treatments anytime, but that emotionally I'm probably not ready right now. I know he's right.  He's a good and compassionate doctor and I can tell he genuinely cares about his patients.  So, that's that.

I should get results from those tests next week sometime and then I need to schedule my scan for the end of the month to make sure my kidney looks normal and then just go from there.

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Counseling

Yesterday I started counselling.  I had my very first appointment.  I honestly don't have much to say about it.  I told her about Emma and Chase and pretty much my whole life story, which, like many others, is a whole thing on its own.  At the end she said she thought she'd be a good match for me would I like to come again so I said yes.  We discussed what days and times she had available next week and it was between Tues and Thurs.  I chose Tues since she had a 7:00 pm and Thurs was 5:00 pm and that's when Katie has gymnastics.  Well, when I walked out of the office and looked at my appt card I realized what Tuesday was.  It's October 20th, Emma and Chase's EDD.

At first I didn't like that.  I initially planned to take the day off, but I can't because of days and money.  So I was just planning on doing something after work, now I have the appt and so time is limited.  Part of me is like who the hell cares?  They were never ever going to be born that day.  My c/s was scheduled for 10/6 and that's assuming I even made it to 38 weeks. The date means nothing, they are as dead on the 20th as they are today.  It's just a date.  They were born in May anyways.  The other part of me just wanted something.

I only have one person IRL that I can really talk to about them. So, I guess the appt is good since I can talk to the counselor about them that day.  I dunno.  Just feeling very lost.  Because I had to mention a lot of things yesterday I have a lot of emotion floating through me.

I don't know how I feel about her.  I didn't get a bad vibe.  I guess we'll see.

RE consult tomorrow and then waiting for the tests to come in.  I need an u/s for my kidney at the end of this month too, just to make sure it looks normal.


Wednesday, October 7, 2015

Infectious Disease Consult/Followup

Today was a very hard day for me emotionally.  Not sure what was going on, but my anxiety was so severe I needed 4 valium.  I was also having some thoughts of self-harm, not that I had any plan to act on it at any time.  Mostly just a day with extreme panic.

Anyways, I made it through the day and had my appt with the infectious disease dr. He was very nice and asked some questions about what concerns I had and did a check on my kidney and stomach and also had some labs ordered for me.  I'll try to get those filled.  I looked up the labs and I'm pretty pleased with them and hope they give answers, whether it's everything is fine, or that I have an issue.

Here's what he's testing,  If you click on the name, you get the link to what the test is.

Prealbumin
Immunoglobulins Panel
LgG Subclass Deficiency

Looking at what these tests are, I'm glad he's ordering them.  I think this might give some answers, be it that everything is fine, or that I have a deficiency somewhere.  I need to go to Quest to have them done, so I'll be looking to do that tomorrow.  It will take 10-14 days to get results, so I'll start harassing his office at day 10 to get results.



Tuesday, October 6, 2015

19 weeks

Today marks 19 weeks since I said goodbye to my precious Emma and Chase.  19 weeks is the same amount of time I carried them.  This month has been so difficult.  I've had moments where I didn't think I'd survive the next one, moments where the pain is so much I'm just numb to everything and anything and can't even comprehend what goes around me, moments where I don't know that it's ever going to be okay, even though I'm told it's going to be.

I'm lucky to have an amazing and understanding husband.  Lucky to have supportive friends.  I'm not at a place where I can reach for help, but I've had others instead reach for me and it means more to me than they probably realize.

I'm recovered from the kidney infection and working on testing and having consults with various doctors.  At the recommendation of a good friend, I scheduled one with an MFM.  I chose the one I saw at the hospital when I was holding Emma and hoping for Chase.  She told me he was probably not going to make it, and of course, she was right.

I felt nervous seeing her.  I was so sick and so in the middle of everything when I saw her my memory wasn't great.  She did remember me and was felt with a lot of compassion and just caring.  She inquired about my mental health and that really seemed to be her focus.  That I needed to be okay before trying any of this again.  That a pregnancy after a loss like mine is a hard road in itself, if I'm falling apart now, it's going to make it even harder. I told her truthfully I wasn't coping very well and that I was starting counseling on Monday.  She said she was glad and she said she's here for me to talk to, she can look into resources for me, just anything that I need.  That she's there for me.

Then we discussed if I were to have another pregnancy. She said she'd want to be involved as soon as I was released from my RE.  She told me that she'd want me to have PIO (progesterone in oil) shots starting at 16 weeks.  She said I'd have them weekly until I delivered.  She also talked about frequent bloodwork and ultrasounds to check for any signs of issues and be very proactive at catching anything early. She said she'd do a cerclage at the first sign of PTL or any cervical issues.

She did tell me to ask the infectious disease dr to run a test on how well my body fights off infections just to get an idea.  She also told me she thinks that a bacteria got to Emma first, then Chase, then me.  That's why by the time I got the fever it was too late.  It started with the twins and then went to my blood.  She doesn't know for sure, she just said based on her experience that's most likely what happened.

I feel better knowing she wants to be involved and how proactive she'd be right away.  She gave me an 80% chance of making it to term or near term and she said honestly with the PIO shots she doesn't see me having PTL issues like with Katie and even from before.  I started having issues with both pregnancies 2 weeks after stopping progesterone so it makes sense to me.

Most of all I felt she truly cared.  I wasn't charged for the consult and she generally seemed to care about how I was doing.  She also said if any additional testing reveals info then to come see her to let her know so we can formulate a plan.  I feel more positive after talking to her.   I still don't know where I am with TTC, if I'll try again or not or what.  I still have two more consults and hopefully testing.

I can't believe that this is where I am.  That everything ended.  There are some days I'm still shocked they are gone.  I miss them so much.  I wish I'd saved them, anything to make them here, even if they'd been preemies in the NICU.

Tomorrow I meet with the infectious disease dr and the next week my RE.

Sunday, October 4, 2015

Struggling

Today is one of these days I don't think I can make it. I don't think I can do it. I just want to break down and cry and cry until everything is empty. Today all I feel is pain, despair, loss, and darkness.

Thursday, October 1, 2015

October

I can hardly even breathe or function today.  I don't know how I'm going to make it through this month and it's only the first day.  I don't know how I'm going to fake happy holiday and Halloween and fall stuff for my daughter when I want to crawl into a hole and never come out.

This was the month they were due.  I know they weren't going to make their due date, 38 weeks is the furthest I was going to be allowed to go with the average twins being born 34-36 weeks.  Either way, all I can think about is that my life should be chaos with two newborns and a toddler.  I should be exhausted and thinking how will I ever do this?  Instead I'm wondering how will I ever make it through this month? How?  I can hardly breathe this morning.

October is also pregnancy and infant loss awareness month, so it's all together.  I'm also trying to process the reality that I will only ever have Katie on Earth.  That there may never be a rainbow, like truly trying to process this reality and it chokes me up. A rainbow would NEVER replace my Emma and Chase, but it was always important to me that my daughter grow up with a sibling.

This year started so promising.  After 6 months of unemployment, right when we were getting ready to sell our house and get something we could live on with my income, he was hired.  Not as much as he earned before, but enough for us to be okay.  We jumped right into treatments, I got the surprise and joy of my life.  It was going to be wonderful.  By mid-year it was all over, now this more recent hospitalization.  Things with my job.  Right now I feel so low and I can barely make it.  I can't do this.  I don't know how to do this.  I just want this year to end.

Somehow, someway, I have to get through it.  I can't worry about the whole month, right now I'm going to worry about the next few hours. I'm going to throw myself into my job and try to forget.  Now that the physical pain from the kidney is mostly again, I'm left with the emotional reality of everything.  I don't know how to do this.  I'm not strong, I am weak.  I am a monster.  I am not worthy of even what I have, let alone more.

Dear Emma and Chase, I love you more than I can ever express.  I miss you so much.  I'm sorry.

Monday, September 28, 2015

Back to work

Today is my first day back to work.  I'm physically feeling a lot better than I was a week ago and for sure even when I came home from the hospital, but I'm still sore and still recovering, and now, thanks to antibiotics, dealing with a yeast infection as well.  But the physical pain is lessening and while it's good, it also means the emotional pain is increasing since I don't have the physical to focus on.  I'm not going to go into my emotional pain very much, because what's the point?  It seems to be causing more bad things for me than good things for me to talk about it. I hurt.  I hurt bad.  I don't see how I'll ever feel better is the gist and summary of it.  Is 2015 over yet?

Saturday, September 26, 2015

A plea for my BBC friends

If you're on BBC and you follow my blog, I entered an infant pic of Katie for a contest.  I think for votes.  Anyways, if you have a moment and don't mind:

http://community.babycenter.com/contest/entry/190879/my_dolly_and_me

Thursday, September 24, 2015

4 months...

Here is what I definitely didn't expect, 4 months after I waslked into that ER in May, I'd be discharged from the hospital once again.

Huh? My next blog I thought would be about my first counseling appointment. Instead, it's about how Monday, I had to be admitted to the hospital again and should be discharged this evening. After a weekend of fever, severe back pain, shakes, chills, and sweats, that also included a trip to minor emergency with a dx of kidney infection and given antibiotics, I only got worse. Monday morning I saw my pcp who sent me to a nearby hospital for a ct scan. CT scan showed a severe infection in the right kidney and l was admitted to the hospital. Only good thing I can say is that I'm at a diff hospital than May. Although that hospital was a lot better/nicer.

I've learned that the infection I have is E. coli. It's the most common kidney infection. I have spent most of this week in horrific pain. I've gone through hours upon hours of fever, shakes, chills, and sweats. I've currently been fever free since 4:00 am and right now it's 2:30 and this is the longest I've gone. Also no shakes, chills, or sweats since then, just some pain still and I'm very exhausted.

I've had a lot of diff thoughts and moods all week. All the way from
This Karma/punishment for killing my babies to just general fears that I can't remain healthy. Had the failed cycle worked, I woukdve lost another bath this week and I keep trying to remind myself I wasnt pregnant this time. I am now terrified and want more testing, like autoimmune, but I hear it doesn't give much info and isn't real helpful. I'm just scared that no matter what I do I seem unable to get and stay healthy. Right now I'm scared to ever get pregnant again. Right now honestly just very scared, confused, and lost.

I also, months ago, did expect to be hospitalized im Sept but to give birth, not to deal with this, so this is also making ne emotional and how quickly life turned and I just don't know it's ever going to be okay.

My pcp wants to run an u/s on my kidney in six weeks to make sure everything looks good and in meeting with my RE for a consult on 10/13 to discuss any further testing we can do, next steps, etc. I'm def not doing any medicated anything until the six week kidney scan at the earliest.

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Medical and Emotional Update

RE Update: I met with my RE today to discuss the cycle and the next steps.  Let me begin with the damn coordinator pretty much lied to us.  She made it seem like we went from 11 million to 19 million sperm even though DH spilled most of the cup and that was a lie.  It was 19 million post wash, only 3.5 motile sperm.  Basically we had next to no sperm to work with.  On top of maybe I did or didn't have an egg to work with.  I don't see how this was even going to work.  It was an utter failure.

The good news is he doesn't see my FSH as a huge issue.  He says it's just consistent with DOR and what my body is.  He says FSH can fluctuate and honestly he's still very optimistic on my conception chances.  Since DH freaked out big time about the twin factor, my FSH for last cycle was lowered.  On the prior cycles it was 150 iu gonal f and then 75 iu menopur.  This time he only did 75 iu for both gonal f and monopur, so he's going to up it.  DH is fine with it and really feels like he caused our failure last cycle (he didn't), but anyways, that's the plan, along with Femara.

So, I call CD 1 for baseline.  CD 3-7 is Femara 5 mg.  Shots begin CD 6, my first follie check is CD 8 and we go from there.  I'm CD 6 today, so my guess is we'll begin end of Sept/early Oct and we'll see what happens.

PCP Update: I was so upset over my FSH increasing that I forgot to mention that my iron and hemoglobin are back to normal and I'm no longer anemic.  I'm still a the bottom of normal, but at least normal.  All my physical levels are normal and my body is now healthy again.

Emotional Update: I am NOT okay.  Not even slightly.  I am getting worse and worse every day.  Sinking more and more into despair and thoughts of self-harm are increasing. I'm starting to lose my ability to function and I don't feel like a good anything, I'm a shitty mom, friend, wife, daughter, etc. I've been trying to find a counselor and it's been mostly misses.  I finally had a hit and I have my first session next week on the 22nd.  I am so glad I'm going to see someone.  I wish it could be this week, but I'm hanging in there.  I'm hoping with all my heart that she's the right fit and maybe, just maybe I can climb out of this deep, dark hole I'm in and be the person my loved ones deserve.

Anyways, I figured I would do all the updates at once instead of a million diff blog updates.

Friday, September 11, 2015

Ovarian Reserve

I meet with my RE next week on the 16th, but it appears my DOR has gotten worse.  My FSH and E2 used to be normal.  My E2 in the low 20s (a bit low, but okay) and my FSH 6.9 (beautiful).  It was always my AMH that was low and my AFC.  Well, not anymore.  I asked for CD 3 labs today and while I don't have an updated AFC, my E2 is 26.6 (a little low, but not horrible) and my FSH went up to 10.4, which is considered "fair" and probably explains my response to this cycle.  I don't know anymore.  I guess I'll see what my RE says next week.

Wednesday, September 9, 2015

Realization

I was talking with a coworker who I consider more than just a workmate, but a wonderful friend.  She's been such a great support system for me.  I also talked to someone from a multiple loss support group I'm a part of and looked at some of the cognitive behavioral stuff and I realized something today.

I don't want to get better.  I don't want to be happy.  I don't deserve it and I feel it takes me away from my babies. How can I ever be happy or okay when they will never be?  This broken feeling, this pain, this is the closest to dead I can be and therefore it's the closest to them I can be.

I'm told by others that they are happy, that they understand what happened, that they love me and since they are okay in heaven, they need me to be okay on Earth, but how do I know?  How do I truly know and believe this?  I love them so much.  I want to believe this, but I pray for signs, for dreams, for something everyday and I get nothing.  I need them.

I tried some of the cognitive behavioral stuff, which got me thinking about my frame of thinking and made me realize I am stopping my own healing on purpose.  I might try some meditation, but I don't know how to get past this.

Tuesday, September 8, 2015

updates and randomness

I'm not going to lie, it's been rough.  In may ways I've just gone backwards now.  Back into the darkness.  Back into trying to fight to survive my day.  I think about them nonstop, I look at Katie and don't feel worthy, I look at my husband and don't feel worthy.  I blame myself again.  I'm the baby killer and now I failed a cycle.

I know none of it is logical.  It's weird. I often know that what I think isn't right or normal, like the baby killer part.  I also think people don't like me or are tired of me or want me to go away.  I think most people feel that way about me now.  That I'm a tainted bad thing.  I don't know if that part is true or not.  It might be a bit, like people might be sick of me brooding already, but I don't know that people think I'm bad?  I don't know.  It's weird when the line between reality and perception gets blurred and that's where I feel I am right now.

I am sad the cycle didn't work. I knew my estrogen was off.  I meet with the RE next week to talk to him about it.  One thing he didn't do was run CD 3 since it has stayed the same for a couple of years, but I bet he will now in case my FSH, E2, or AFC has changed. I felt like I was betraying Emma and Chase a lot by even doing the cycle so I feel conflicted in some of my emotions.  Like you're still my babies, although they're still my babies even if I am pregnant.

I saw my PCP today.  Last time I saw her was a month after I lost them and I had a panic attack.  She gave me more Valium and we talked a bit.  She also ran bloodwork since last time she checked my levels it was very bad.  My iron was scary low and my hemoglobin stuff wasn't quite back yet either.  I think it will be fine this time. My REs office gave me a bit of crap about cancelling my beta, so I had her add it just so I can show my RE next week in case anyone tries to say anything to me.  I've been through this gamut long enough to know when it failed.  I will poas one more time tomorrow so I can stop progesterone in good faith and I hope AF comes soon.

I also tried calling the counselor I'd hoped to see.  She has no evening availability and I can't go during work.  She referred me to someone, but it took a lot for me to even do this.  However, my PCP gave me some resources I'll look into and I'm sharing them in case they can help someone else.  I honestly don't know who all reads this blog or who finds it, but I think more read it than I realize.



At the moment I feel kinda numb.  I think it's the valium.  I'm getting to the hard part, when we expected them to be here, alive, but they aren't and will never be.  I have to learn that this is life and I have to move forward.  I don't know why I seemed to be doing okay, but now I'm not again.  I hardly made it through my weekend, but one day or one moment at a time.  For now I'll try to go to bed.

Monday, September 7, 2015

Medicated Cycle #1 PP

I'm 11 dpiui today, 13 days past my trigger. I know this is early for some people, but my last two prior BFPs were at 9 dpiui and there's no indication whatsoever that this cycle worked.  Even how my cervix is situated is telling me on the progesterone is holding off the AF.


From this morning


Trigger fading into nothing


Closer look at this morning


I'll be cancelling my acupuncture appointments because I could really use the money, and honestly, I'm not doing better emotionally.  My physical health has returned and I'll go ahead and make an appt with the PCP to redo blood work to confirm all that, but pretty much I'm done until I'm ready to resume treatments.  I don't have the money for that right now. I may, however, seek counseling.  I'm not a good mom to my daughter, I'm not a good wife to my husband, and I'm not a good friend.  I'm barely keeping my shit together at work or at home and I'm going very much backwards in my emotional healing.

I'm back to fully blaming myself for their lives, especially when I look at pictures of me in early May, like Mother's Day, and how white I looked, how little I could do. I'm back to just crying all the time and basically popping valium all the time to make it through my day and just survive.


Tuesday, September 1, 2015

feelings

I feel like I can't function the past few days, I'd say since about Friday or Saturday.  I am filled with so much anger.  Just pure rage and anger and then despair and hopelessness.  I don't know what to do.  I know I'm taking it out on my husband.  I feel like a shit mom to my daughter.  I'm not mean to her or anything, but I'm just going through the motions.  I'm barely surviving my days at work.

I just want to disappear.  I want to hide or run away or just be gone.  I hate waking up in the morning, yet I have trouble going to bed at night.  I have so much hate and bitterness in my heart it consumes it and I don't know why I feel this way or how to make it go away.

Sunday, August 30, 2015

Rough day

I've been tying to hang in there and mostly done okay, but right now just miss them so much. Right now my heart hurts.  I want my babies.

Saturday, August 29, 2015

Sunshine

'm a personal fan of babywearing. I have this amazing, independent daughter who doesn't cuddle much and this is a great way for us to get our cuddles, bond, and also I can easily carry her around in public when she'd rather not walk or it's safer not to. She's outgrown her infant carrier and needed something bigger.
During my search I came across the most perfect one. I wanted a Toddler Tula since the Standard Tula had worked so well for us. I wanted something in blue for her eyes. Then I saw it, the perfect carrier. I saw a custom Oscha Surya Toddler Tula. For those familiar with babywearing, you know how awesome that is (and expensive), for those who don't know babywearing, well, it's a custom carrier, meaning they're one of a kind type thing.
The seller happened to be a friend of mine and I fell in love with it before even seeing who the lister was. This carrier was the one I had to have because the Oscah Surya is a blue with a yellow sun on it. The blue was perfect for my blue eyed beauty and oh the sun. I had to have the sun. You see, a Sunshine baby is a baby born before a loss. I'd often called her my Sunshine and one of our nightly songs is You Are My Sunshine, but ever since the loss of Chase and Emma it's become even more special.
The people involved don't read my blog, but I thank both Laura and Elizabeth.  Oh and I had to get action shots right away. Forgive me lack of makeup, it's the weekend and I'm pretty casual.


Friday, August 28, 2015

The truth

I'm going to write something I've only recently been able to admit in my head.  Something that is so horrible.  Something I fear.  I have no place I feel okay writing this for fear of offending people and I'm sure the way many people feel about me about this post is going to change.  However, I'm going to say it because I need to admit it. I realize what kind of person I am to even think such a thing.

I'm 1 dpiui on a cycle I have no clue how it would end.  If there was at least one egg, the chances are decent, if not egg, then of course nothing.

This cycle has been so emotional. I can't even begin to describe the amount of guilt I feel.  The guilt that my body wasn't healthy enough for two beautiful and perfect children and it sent them to their deaths.  I've spent three months getting my body back to health to nurture another baby, a different one than my twins.  I made a choice to move forward while they never will.  They don't have any choices, they are dead.  They never had a choice.

However, I do.  A mere three months after I was discharged from the hospital I was being inseminated with another try. There's many reasons I chose to move forward when I did. My specific infertility dx, diminished ovarian reserve, puts me on a diff time limit than other infertility dx.  My response to this cycle has been worse than my last two and I think I'm on the decline of the ability to even conceive.  I may not even have much longer to even have eggs.  I'm not even sure I did this time and this is medicated.

I also want to see my daughter grow up with a live sibling. I want to see her fight and be friends and have secrets and get in trouble with a sibling.  I want to pull my hair out of my head and just go ugh!!!  Will they stop fighting already?  I want all the good and bad that comes with it.  I want the experience.  I want to mother more than one child and admire the differences between children conceived of the same parents.

Infertility has been a horrible journey.  Anyone who's been through it knows.  It's just plain horrible.  I want it done.  I want to close the TTC chapter.  I just don't have much more in me and I realize so many have been through worse, but the emotional toll has been so much.

Here's the ugly secret.  I'm scared to be pregnant because of how I might feel about this child.  I can honestly say I don't even know if I wan this cycle to work. I want Emma and Chase.  With ever fiber of my heart I want my children back.  That won't happen.  That I know.  They are gone.  Another child might happen.  What will I feel and how will I think?  Will I spend the pregnancy wishing it wasn't him or her but them?  What about after he/she is born?  What will it be like then?  Will I resent this baby for making it when my twins didn't.  Will I look at this baby and know their existence is only because two others died?  I was going to be done after the twins.  My family was going to be complete, except now I don't know if it is or isn't.

These thoughts make me sick about myself.  How dare i?  This is an innocent child that I'm struggling to bring into the world and these are the thoughts I'm having about a precious life, a precious baby.  I just don't know.

I know I'll spend the pregnancy in fear, ever moment will be scary, every moment I will fear that the child won't make it, that instead the child will join his/her twin siblings and not the living one.  Will I be so grateful this child made it?  Will I be so glad I get to have earth children in addition to angel children?  How will this child feel once they know they were conceived from a loss?

These thoughts keep me up, these thoughts keep me in tears, these thoughts make me realize what a truly horrible person I am.  That I don't deserve more children.  I probably don't deserve the one I have.  I've asked David to divorce me multiple times, to find a better mom for her, to find someone who will be everything she deserves because she is amazing.

I realize I won't be seen in whatever light I was seen in before.  I realize I've said one of the worse things I can say.  However, I felt like I had to put the truth out somewhere.

Thursday, August 27, 2015

IUI Day

So here we are, IUI day.  "Show time" as we call it.

I arrived to the clinic a little late due to some work drama (fun times).  DH went into his room and came back acting odd.  I asked what was wrong and he was snappy and said we'd talk later.  I'm like um....

Anyways, the front desk tells us it could take longer than usual to prep the sample because the first couple was late and therefore everyone is late.  I'm already upset over the e2 thing and knowing something went wrong with the collection process.

DH and I step out into the car and he tells me he missed the cup and very little made it in.  I'm now losing my shit.  I don't even know if I have an egg because of my stupid e2, now I may not have any semen, oh and I asked who's performing the IUI and the person who's done it previously no longer works Thursdays so she's out, and my RE left for his other clinic.  So as you can see nothing is going right and I'm already an emotional cray cray person.  I'm very visibly upset at the clinic and trying not to cry.  DH isn't a happy camper either.

I get to the room when the sample is ready and the coordinator wants to have a talk.  I just want to know the damn semen number.  Anyways, she has a long talk about why I feel this cycle is a bust.  I got into my spiel about the low e2 issue and how with two follicles I don't know that one is at 200 and  the other isn't.  Maybe both are under 200.  Maybe there's nothing, maybe there's something.  She told me she's very sure there's at least one egg there, that the hcg amped them up more, and they would've cancelled if they even had an inkling that this couldn't work.  Anyways, she was so sweet and encouraging that I relaxed and felt so much better as did DH.

IUI count was 19 mil!!  Highest ever.  Amazing considering....

So, I still don't feel great about my chances, but there's def sperm, maybe an egg, maybe a baby.  We'll see.  I'm emotionally trying to keep my shit together, but I'll be honest, lately it's just very, very hard.  I'm not doing very well and I feel like I'm failing in many areas of my life right now.