Tuesday, January 27, 2015


I want to start off by thanking everyone who left me comments yesterday.  I cried as I read all of them.  Thank you all so much.  I'm not sure why I'm so crazy right now.  I think it's a mixture of this pill I'm on for the prolactin, the hormones from the injections and Femara, and as a good friend pointed out, probably some PTSD thrown in there from just this journey.

I feel guilty and selfish for feeling the way that I do.  I feel guilty anytime I talk to someone still struggling for their first that it's painful trying for a second.  I don't ever forget what it was like to not have a child.  It still hurts though and it's a continuation from before, not a new one.  I can't wait for the day when all the IFers I know are holding their babes in their arms.

So, thank you, thank you, for the continued love and support you've given me.  I've also been struggling with extreme anxiety for months and I'm at a loss as to what to do about it.  It's getting really bad to the point of constant eye twitches and I'm feeling neurotic.  It started shortly after I had Katie and has intensified since going to work.  I feel like she could be gone from any second or that I'll wake up and it will be a dream.  I hate that I have to work instead of being home with her.  It's complicated and I'm just trying to figure it out myself, but I think it's a whole bunch of stuff that's leading to all the emotions I have now.

Okay, now for the IUI.  I'm going to take this as a good omen.

Total count: 33 million
Washed/IUI count: 11 million

The BFP cycle from before was also an IUI count of 11 million.  The IUI was also done by the same person as before and she remembered us and from doing it the first time and assured me my chances of this working were quite good.  I was glad to see her and glad to have the assurance.

My beta is 2/10.  I'll be testing out the trigger starting this weekend and will cancel the beta if it's a BFN.  I start progesterone Thursday night.

Seriously, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for all the love and support.

Monday, January 26, 2015

Last follie check

I'm sitting here crying.  Nothing about this cycle is going well.  I feel the whole thing is a bust.  Yes, anything can happen, but......

I feel so alone this round.  The first round my IF support was around me.  Now, it's just me.  Those still struggling with primary IF are not so supportive and I don't blame anyone.  After all, I had a baby.  Those with secondary doesn't support me either, after all, the baby was born 13 months ago. I'm all alone facing the same battle that started back in 2011.  I never, ever realized what it would be to try and have two children.  I'm just crying and crying because I've learned a few things about my body that I didn't know before.

When I compared the March 2013 cycle, I saw that I had 3 mature follies.  In reality that was only one egg.  My e2 levels were only 294.  I was beyond lucky the one egg was Katie.  It looks like I have empty follies and I'm wondering if this always occurs.  My body acts like it's ovulating, but it's empty.  Nothing in there.

For my own records, here's bee the protocol this round.

CD 3-7 Femara
CD 6-7 Gonal F 75 iu, Menopur 75 iu
CD 8-10 Gonal F 150 iu, Menopur 75 iu

I have 3 follies and 2 eggs
Left: 29.5 mm follie (empty)
Right: 20 mm and 18 mm follies

My lining today has gone down from a 10 to an 8.  My LH rose and I'm starting to ovulate now.  I'm supposed to trigger tonight just to make sure both eggs are released and not just one.  The IUI is set for tomorrow instead of Wed to make sure we don't miss it completely because I'm already Oing.

I just feel sad and empty and like breaking down crying.  I AM grateful and so happy to have the little girl that I have.  She is precious and perfect in every single way.  I thank my lucky stars every single day, even the hard ones.  I just wish I can give her a sibling.  I hope one of these eggs can be it.  Hope, but don't expect.

Sunday, January 25, 2015

2nd follie check update

I'm really depressed and honestly want to break down and cry.  I hate IF so bad.  I hate all of this.  My stupid body isn't responding very well, and why do I find myself surprised?  I have DOR.  I'm really wondering if my body has changed a lot in the past two years or maybe that one cycle was just one in a million.

Anyways, here's the update:

Left side: 28 and 14
Right side: 19 and 16

My e2 came back at 230.  This means I only have one viable follie right now, the 19.  The 28 is shot.  It's an empty shell.  The 14 and 16 are possibilities.  The 16 more than the 14.  My lining is a 10.2.

Here's my calendar thus far:

CD 3-7   Femara 5 mg
CD 6-7   Gonal F 75 iu, Menopur 75 iu
CD 8-9   Gonal F 150 iu, Menopur 75 iu

I'm to continue Gonal F 150 iu and Menopur 75 iu tonight.  U/s tomorrow morning at 9:00.  We'll see.....

I'm not hopeful at all.

Friday, January 23, 2015

1st follie check update

I had my first follie check today.  I'm CD 8.  Here's the schedule so far:

CD 3-7 Femara 5 mg.
CD 6-7 Gonal F 75 iu, Menopur 75 iu

My left had one huge follie at 24 mm and my right had two smaller ones at 14 mm.  My lining is 8.2.  I was very concerned about the 24 mm follie since that's clearly large enough to ovulate.  However my e2 was only at 94.  The plan is to stim two more days, go in CD 10, probably trigger and then IUI on Tuesday, CD 12.

So here's the plan:

CD 8-9 Gonal F 150 iu, Menopur 75 iu.

Follie check CD 10.  I'll update on Sunday, but my strong guess says I'll trigger that day. Not sure how to feel.  I'm just like we'll wait and see. Can't really guess how it's going to turn out, but I hope for the best.  It's been hard going cycle after cycle again.  It doesn't feel like a new fight, but the same one.

Saturday, January 17, 2015

Let the games begin......

NYE I saw my RE and so did DH to get our testing redone. My AMH came back the highest ever at .70 and my AFC was even 11 and that was on cd 9.  Craziness.  In the end though, it doesn't really  matter.  It's still DOR and that hasn't changed.  At least it didn't get worse.  DH's SA came back okay.  Morph was on the low side at 6%, but what I'm finding shows it's fine if it's above 4.  He's taking some vitamins my RE gave him and I'm taking vitamin D (mine was low), some pill to lower prolactin.  My prolactin was normal, but I'm still lactating a bit, so he put me on it to try and dry me up.  So far no change.  I'm also back on glumetza because my reactive hypglycemia is quite bad.  My fasting sugar was normal at 89, one hour a bit of a spike at 129, and the second hour a staggering drop at 26.  Amazing I didn't pass out in the office.

Anyways.....  AF came yesterday and here I am back on the treatment bandwagon.  It's been 13 natural cycles since Katie and this starts the 14th.  I had my baseline yesterday.  My AFC was 10-12 (we're calling it a dozen eggs) and I start Femara 5 mg tomorrow.  On Wednesday I'll start my injections, 75 iu Gonal-F and 75 iu Menopur.  on Friday, 1/23, I'll go in for my first follie check.

I'm scared out of my mind.  I feel I got lucky with it working so well last time.  Terrified I won't have the same outcome.  We'll see....