Sunday, May 31, 2015

One week ago

I see it so clearly.  A week ago today I went to the ER.  I was having chills and a fever.  I kept having contractions.  I counted 18 in one hour and called my OB.  I called my mom to watch Katie so David could take me.  I thought I was being "that" person, but I had to be sure they were okay.

I got checked in and I was lying on a bed with my contractions, when suddenly one came and my water broke and and with each contraction more fluid came out.  I remember it all.  I was crying, I told David my water broke, that something very bad was happening.  It felt like hours before I was taken to ultrasound and I saw them.  They were there and perfect.  Both of their hearts were beating in the 160s.  Their beautiful hearts and they were moving.  She took pictures and then left and came back and focused on my Emma.  I had hope, because they were both alive.  I thought it might be okay even if my water broke.

I went back to the room and waited for what seemed like hours again.  Finally I was told there was nothing they could do for Emma.  She would die.  I cried and David broke down.  I saw David on the floor of the ER room in a ball crying his heart out for Emma.  Both of us begging the doctor, please anything, anything to save her.  I don't care what, just tell me a choice, something, give me hope.  There was none.  I was admitted and I would go into labor with her 12 hours later.  She would be born sleeping, even though I saw her, I saw her alive, I saw her heart beat, and then I was told it was goodbye.

Saturday, May 30, 2015

I'm sorry

I am having such a hard time right now.  I miss them so much.  I think about them all the time.  Every time I look at my daughter I'm heartbroken.  I keep seeing them, the three of them.  They would've been so perfect together.  Sisters laughing and then fighting.  Best friends and worst enemies.  Brother teasing them, but also loyal.  I just can't believe this really happened.  I feel so lost.  I don't know how it's ever going to be okay.  How I'm ever going to move on.  I don't know what to do for my daughter.

I'm angry at how weak my body is.  I don't know how I got so sick.  How long as I sick?  I got exhausted and was ready to pass out just walking around a grocery store.  I'm exhausted now and had weird pains/pressure on my chest earlier today.

 I'm getting comments about "trying again".  My twins aren't replaceable.  They were perfect and they are gone.  First of all, there's infertility.  I can't just go make more.  Treatments are expensive, it's hard emotionally, and never guaranteed to work.  Then there's the fact that I don't know that my heart can take it.  What if something happens again?  I just can't imagine.  I don't even know what names.  I just can't even think like that.  I had two babies and both are gone.  They are gone.  They won't ever come back.  I can't even think about trying again.  I don't want to even think about being pregnant again.  I just don't know.  I don't know where I'm going to go from here or how it's ever going to be okay. I'm scared I'm failing my daughter right now because of this.

I feel guilty and angry I'm even alive. Why didn't I just die with them?  My husband could find someone new.  A woman who would be good to Katie and could give her siblings. One minute I think it's going to be okay, the next I don't see how it will ever.  I just want to go back in time, to stop it, to make them okay. Do they know how sorry I am?  How much I loved them?

Emma and Chase I will never, ever forget you.  You and your big sister are the best things that ever happened in my life.  I am so sorry I destroyed all three of you.  Katie in a different way since she won't get to know her siblings or grow up with them.  I am sorry I failed.  I love you.

Thursday, May 28, 2015

Chase David *trigger*

Chase David Naylor was born on May 26th, 2015 at 6:05 am. He was 8.25 inches long and weighed 7.2 oz.  He was just handsome and perfect.  My long awaited Chase.











Emma Lee *trigger*

Emma Lee Naylor was born on May 25th, 2015 at 2:15 am.  She was 9 inches long and weighed 9.3 oz.  She was absolutely beautiful.













I'll love you forever *trigger*

*Trigger*

My next blog post was going to be a gender reveal. It was going to be on Memorial Day and I was going to happily reveal what each twin was and how much I love them and how they will add my family.  And well, I did find out the genders one day prior to this and unfortunately this blog post is the story of my sleeping babies, Emma Lee and Chase David.

I'm going to post the story of what happened here and then I'm going to do a blog post with pictures and stats for each twin.  This blog is going to be used a lot I'm guessing for a while as a way for me to grieve and share.  I can't keep flooding my FB with how bad my heart hurts, but at the same time I need a place, because right now I have absolutely  no idea how I'll ever move forward or go on.

The story

For the last week or so I've been very tired and run down. I didn't think much of it. Twins take a lot out of your body, I have a toddler, a full-time job, was planning the reveal, the sun apparently disappeared from Houston... Just a lot going on. That Monday, shortly after I arrived at work I started bleeding. I was supposed to have my anatomy scan the next day. I went to the OB immediately where they did an ultrasound and I saw two healthy, beating babies. They did a few texts and checked some things out and I was told I was okay and to take it easy. My anatomy scan was moved to 20 weeks since they didn't want to add any pressure to my uterus because of the bleeding, but I did get envelopes with the genders.
On Friday I was very, very out of it. I was acting weird that morning when my mom came to watch Katie and she even sent me an email at work to ask if I was okay since I honestly wasn't acting myself. At work I was having a hard time too. I'd left half the things I needed in my car, I got locked in the bathroom thanks to a high school prank, I kinda had to wonder around the building a lot and wasn't very efficient at stuff. On Saturday my inlaws came to help work on a project. My FIL commented on how pale and weak I looked. I had a hard time taking care of Katie and I started having contractions. I messaged my concerns to a few friends who all thought I should call my on-call OB, who happened to be my OB. I did and he said bed rest for the rest of the day, water, and tylenol. Go to ER if they increase or don't go away. I was out of it and honestly and the rest of the day is hazy. I remember the contractions getting a bit better.
Sunday, I stayed in bed. I was trying to put together favors for the reveal and stressing over all I needed to get done. I kept having contractions. I counted 18 in an hour. I also woke up in the middle of the night with a fever. I called my OB who was on-call and I was told to come to ER immediately. My mom was called to take care of Katie and off we went. I was getting blood work and sitting in a bed awaiting an u/s when my water broke. I screamed and cried in horror. An ultrasound showed that Emma (baby A) no longer had a sac. But both babies were alive. It seemed like hours before my OB came and informed me that Emma wasn't going to live. That I was going to go into labor in the next 12-24 hours and when I did, most likely Chase (baby B) was going to come too, but we had to see what happened. I was in denial, heartbroken, and begging for anything to save her. I was taken to a room and hooked up to machines, given drugs in IVs. I kept hearing I had an infection. First I heard kidney infection, then I heard it was a large infection, but not sure where. Around 1:00 am. My contractions increased incredibly. I started going into labor. I had the most amazing nurse with me. My OB was called around 2:00 when the contractions were very close together. Emma was born sleeping at 2:15 am on 5/25.
I was not in a good place, I was screaming, yelling, and crying, as my OB was yelling and a lot of people showed up in the room. I was told something about having to get an epidural now, significant blood loss, surgery, possibly hysterectomy. I was very confused and not sue what was happening to my world. I almost passed out and vaguely remember a failed attempt at an epidural when it was determined I was too weak and nauseous. I remember a room full of people and being flown around the building in a bed as I screamed and cried.
Somehow I stabilized and they got the epidural in. I was having contractions and they kept talking about blood loss and a possible transfusion. I became more and more stable and plans to do surgery were halted. I was told that they'd watch and see, since they didn't want to do surgery and I was still pregnant with Chase. I was amazed and hopeful I still had him. I got to spend the day holding Emma and being pregnant with Chase. I took pictures of Emma and talked to her and cried and apologized. I had some visitors who got to see her. The high risk specialist came to talk to me and told me that I had very little chance that I wouldn't go into labor with Chase. That it would probably happen within 72 hours. If I made ti to Wed morning, still pregnant, I could go home on modified bedrest until 24 weeks and then check back in. I vowed to keep him in and that I would make it. I was grieving for my Emma, but hopeful for Chase. A good friend came to visit and ended up staying the night due to horrific storms in our area. I had more contractions that evening and became worried. I layed on my side, prayed, and kept trying to stay positive even though I was worried. I slept very, very little.
The next morning, I woke up and I was emailing work and letting them know I'd be out. I kept thinking, 19 weeks. I made it here with him. I can do 5 more weeks. Contractions were gone, but I had some cramping. All of a sudden my water broke and I screamed. I was crying and saying all kinds of things, because I knew it was over. I knew he was gone. My friend grabbed my phone and ran out to call David. My OB, who was somehow right outside my door ran in. Chase was born sleeping at 6:05 am on 5/26. I was able to spend yesterday holding him as well and being with him and getting pictures. My heart was empty and broken.
This morning my OB came in to see how I was doing. It was the most lucid I'd been and I asked what happened? I learned that I almost died. That when I came to the ER I had a very bad infection. They don't know exactly, what, where, why, or even how I got it. Just that I had it. I was very sick and didn't even know it. Unfortunately and sadly, my body was too sick to keep them and that's why I went into labor. My doctor said he had to focus on me and save me. My infection level only got worse after Emma's birth. I was on heavy meds round the clock, I was on the verge of a transfusion, although luckily I didn't end up with one. The threat of hysterectomy was due to infection level.
I was discharged yesterday, not because I'm well enough to go home, but because my OB knows my emotional health is not well and being home is better for me right now than being in the hospital. I'm still on medications and he'll be checking in on me via phone. I'm on many restrictions and still have to take it easy. I'm still weak. My body is also recovering from two labors. I have to work recovering physically and dealing with what happened emotionally.
Essentially my twins died in place of me.  I only ever went to the ER because I was worried about my contractions, not because I was concerned about me.  The infection would've continued to spread.