Thursday, May 28, 2015

I'll love you forever *trigger*


My next blog post was going to be a gender reveal. It was going to be on Memorial Day and I was going to happily reveal what each twin was and how much I love them and how they will add my family.  And well, I did find out the genders one day prior to this and unfortunately this blog post is the story of my sleeping babies, Emma Lee and Chase David.

I'm going to post the story of what happened here and then I'm going to do a blog post with pictures and stats for each twin.  This blog is going to be used a lot I'm guessing for a while as a way for me to grieve and share.  I can't keep flooding my FB with how bad my heart hurts, but at the same time I need a place, because right now I have absolutely  no idea how I'll ever move forward or go on.

The story

For the last week or so I've been very tired and run down. I didn't think much of it. Twins take a lot out of your body, I have a toddler, a full-time job, was planning the reveal, the sun apparently disappeared from Houston... Just a lot going on. That Monday, shortly after I arrived at work I started bleeding. I was supposed to have my anatomy scan the next day. I went to the OB immediately where they did an ultrasound and I saw two healthy, beating babies. They did a few texts and checked some things out and I was told I was okay and to take it easy. My anatomy scan was moved to 20 weeks since they didn't want to add any pressure to my uterus because of the bleeding, but I did get envelopes with the genders.
On Friday I was very, very out of it. I was acting weird that morning when my mom came to watch Katie and she even sent me an email at work to ask if I was okay since I honestly wasn't acting myself. At work I was having a hard time too. I'd left half the things I needed in my car, I got locked in the bathroom thanks to a high school prank, I kinda had to wonder around the building a lot and wasn't very efficient at stuff. On Saturday my inlaws came to help work on a project. My FIL commented on how pale and weak I looked. I had a hard time taking care of Katie and I started having contractions. I messaged my concerns to a few friends who all thought I should call my on-call OB, who happened to be my OB. I did and he said bed rest for the rest of the day, water, and tylenol. Go to ER if they increase or don't go away. I was out of it and honestly and the rest of the day is hazy. I remember the contractions getting a bit better.
Sunday, I stayed in bed. I was trying to put together favors for the reveal and stressing over all I needed to get done. I kept having contractions. I counted 18 in an hour. I also woke up in the middle of the night with a fever. I called my OB who was on-call and I was told to come to ER immediately. My mom was called to take care of Katie and off we went. I was getting blood work and sitting in a bed awaiting an u/s when my water broke. I screamed and cried in horror. An ultrasound showed that Emma (baby A) no longer had a sac. But both babies were alive. It seemed like hours before my OB came and informed me that Emma wasn't going to live. That I was going to go into labor in the next 12-24 hours and when I did, most likely Chase (baby B) was going to come too, but we had to see what happened. I was in denial, heartbroken, and begging for anything to save her. I was taken to a room and hooked up to machines, given drugs in IVs. I kept hearing I had an infection. First I heard kidney infection, then I heard it was a large infection, but not sure where. Around 1:00 am. My contractions increased incredibly. I started going into labor. I had the most amazing nurse with me. My OB was called around 2:00 when the contractions were very close together. Emma was born sleeping at 2:15 am on 5/25.
I was not in a good place, I was screaming, yelling, and crying, as my OB was yelling and a lot of people showed up in the room. I was told something about having to get an epidural now, significant blood loss, surgery, possibly hysterectomy. I was very confused and not sue what was happening to my world. I almost passed out and vaguely remember a failed attempt at an epidural when it was determined I was too weak and nauseous. I remember a room full of people and being flown around the building in a bed as I screamed and cried.
Somehow I stabilized and they got the epidural in. I was having contractions and they kept talking about blood loss and a possible transfusion. I became more and more stable and plans to do surgery were halted. I was told that they'd watch and see, since they didn't want to do surgery and I was still pregnant with Chase. I was amazed and hopeful I still had him. I got to spend the day holding Emma and being pregnant with Chase. I took pictures of Emma and talked to her and cried and apologized. I had some visitors who got to see her. The high risk specialist came to talk to me and told me that I had very little chance that I wouldn't go into labor with Chase. That it would probably happen within 72 hours. If I made ti to Wed morning, still pregnant, I could go home on modified bedrest until 24 weeks and then check back in. I vowed to keep him in and that I would make it. I was grieving for my Emma, but hopeful for Chase. A good friend came to visit and ended up staying the night due to horrific storms in our area. I had more contractions that evening and became worried. I layed on my side, prayed, and kept trying to stay positive even though I was worried. I slept very, very little.
The next morning, I woke up and I was emailing work and letting them know I'd be out. I kept thinking, 19 weeks. I made it here with him. I can do 5 more weeks. Contractions were gone, but I had some cramping. All of a sudden my water broke and I screamed. I was crying and saying all kinds of things, because I knew it was over. I knew he was gone. My friend grabbed my phone and ran out to call David. My OB, who was somehow right outside my door ran in. Chase was born sleeping at 6:05 am on 5/26. I was able to spend yesterday holding him as well and being with him and getting pictures. My heart was empty and broken.
This morning my OB came in to see how I was doing. It was the most lucid I'd been and I asked what happened? I learned that I almost died. That when I came to the ER I had a very bad infection. They don't know exactly, what, where, why, or even how I got it. Just that I had it. I was very sick and didn't even know it. Unfortunately and sadly, my body was too sick to keep them and that's why I went into labor. My doctor said he had to focus on me and save me. My infection level only got worse after Emma's birth. I was on heavy meds round the clock, I was on the verge of a transfusion, although luckily I didn't end up with one. The threat of hysterectomy was due to infection level.
I was discharged yesterday, not because I'm well enough to go home, but because my OB knows my emotional health is not well and being home is better for me right now than being in the hospital. I'm still on medications and he'll be checking in on me via phone. I'm on many restrictions and still have to take it easy. I'm still weak. My body is also recovering from two labors. I have to work recovering physically and dealing with what happened emotionally.
Essentially my twins died in place of me.  I only ever went to the ER because I was worried about my contractions, not because I was concerned about me.  The infection would've continued to spread.


  1. Oh my god there are no words to express how sorry I am for you. Chase and Emma were absolutely beautiful. Please know that you will be in my thoughts.

  2. I am so, so, so sorry! Emma and Chase are beautiful names for your precious babies. I'm heartbroken for you.

  3. oh god. This is so unexpected and I can't even find the words. I know there is nothing that can heal this hurt. Your babies are beautiful. Your babies are heroes. I know, as a grieving mother myself, that there are times you would rather have them in the world than yourself. Katie needs you. She can hear one day about her beautiful little siblings who kept her mommy in the world for her. I hope you heal, emotionally and physically. Big, big hugs.

  4. Words aren't enough. I'm so sorry for your loss. ((HUGS))

  5. I have no words. I'm so sorry for your precious babies and I am keeping your family in my prayers. <3

  6. No words. This was so unexpected and heartbreaking. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers as you try and heal emotionally and physically. xoxo

  7. I am so so so so so sorry to read this. I just cannot believe it. My heart goes out to you and your family. I've been following your blog for some time.

  8. I'm so heartbroken for you and your family, Amber. This is so terrible and unfair. I've already said so many things to you about this, but there are really no words for this kind of thing. Sending all my love all the time.

  9. Oh my, there are no words. This is the last thing I expected to see coming on here to check how things were going. I'm so so sorry for your loss :(

  10. What a horrible thing to experience! My heart aches for you. Sending prayers that your body and heart heal quickly.