I am having such a hard time right now. I miss them so much. I think about them all the time. Every time I look at my daughter I'm heartbroken. I keep seeing them, the three of them. They would've been so perfect together. Sisters laughing and then fighting. Best friends and worst enemies. Brother teasing them, but also loyal. I just can't believe this really happened. I feel so lost. I don't know how it's ever going to be okay. How I'm ever going to move on. I don't know what to do for my daughter.
I'm angry at how weak my body is. I don't know how I got so sick. How long as I sick? I got exhausted and was ready to pass out just walking around a grocery store. I'm exhausted now and had weird pains/pressure on my chest earlier today.
I'm getting comments about "trying again". My twins aren't replaceable. They were perfect and they are gone. First of all, there's infertility. I can't just go make more. Treatments are expensive, it's hard emotionally, and never guaranteed to work. Then there's the fact that I don't know that my heart can take it. What if something happens again? I just can't imagine. I don't even know what names. I just can't even think like that. I had two babies and both are gone. They are gone. They won't ever come back. I can't even think about trying again. I don't want to even think about being pregnant again. I just don't know. I don't know where I'm going to go from here or how it's ever going to be okay. I'm scared I'm failing my daughter right now because of this.
I feel guilty and angry I'm even alive. Why didn't I just die with them? My husband could find someone new. A woman who would be good to Katie and could give her siblings. One minute I think it's going to be okay, the next I don't see how it will ever. I just want to go back in time, to stop it, to make them okay. Do they know how sorry I am? How much I loved them?
Emma and Chase I will never, ever forget you. You and your big sister are the best things that ever happened in my life. I am so sorry I destroyed all three of you. Katie in a different way since she won't get to know her siblings or grow up with them. I am sorry I failed. I love you.