Saturday, May 30, 2015

I'm sorry

I am having such a hard time right now.  I miss them so much.  I think about them all the time.  Every time I look at my daughter I'm heartbroken.  I keep seeing them, the three of them.  They would've been so perfect together.  Sisters laughing and then fighting.  Best friends and worst enemies.  Brother teasing them, but also loyal.  I just can't believe this really happened.  I feel so lost.  I don't know how it's ever going to be okay.  How I'm ever going to move on.  I don't know what to do for my daughter.

I'm angry at how weak my body is.  I don't know how I got so sick.  How long as I sick?  I got exhausted and was ready to pass out just walking around a grocery store.  I'm exhausted now and had weird pains/pressure on my chest earlier today.

 I'm getting comments about "trying again".  My twins aren't replaceable.  They were perfect and they are gone.  First of all, there's infertility.  I can't just go make more.  Treatments are expensive, it's hard emotionally, and never guaranteed to work.  Then there's the fact that I don't know that my heart can take it.  What if something happens again?  I just can't imagine.  I don't even know what names.  I just can't even think like that.  I had two babies and both are gone.  They are gone.  They won't ever come back.  I can't even think about trying again.  I don't want to even think about being pregnant again.  I just don't know.  I don't know where I'm going to go from here or how it's ever going to be okay. I'm scared I'm failing my daughter right now because of this.

I feel guilty and angry I'm even alive. Why didn't I just die with them?  My husband could find someone new.  A woman who would be good to Katie and could give her siblings. One minute I think it's going to be okay, the next I don't see how it will ever.  I just want to go back in time, to stop it, to make them okay. Do they know how sorry I am?  How much I loved them?

Emma and Chase I will never, ever forget you.  You and your big sister are the best things that ever happened in my life.  I am so sorry I destroyed all three of you.  Katie in a different way since she won't get to know her siblings or grow up with them.  I am sorry I failed.  I love you.

11 comments:

  1. Oh sweetie, you are grieving so much. I hope you have support during this difficult time. My heart aches for you.

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  2. Oh honey, I hurt for you as I read this. I hope you will consider seeing someone to help you through your grief. Your are in the thick of grieving and it hurts so bad. I promise you that there is a light, some days you will feel like you're drowning and other days you will feel ok. Sometimes it will be just a few min when you can see the light before you feel like you're drowning again.

    Be gentle to yourself. I'm praying for you!

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  3. I'm sorry. This is the worst kind of pain. I know that hollow ache. Here's the thing. Katie needs YOU. Only YOU. You are her momma. You are best. For that reason alone, I'm glad you are still here. If you need help, call your doctor. There is no shame in that. Only healing. I'm sending all my love and have had you in my heart. Xoxo it will be ok, eventually. For now, grieve.

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  4. I am so sorry for your loss. All of your children are beautiful. I know how hard this is right now. I lost a set of triplets at 20.5 weeks five years ago. Everything you are feeling right now is completely normal. I also had one older living child, but I wondered why I hadn't died with my three boys. I also blamed my body. You will never really move on (at least not in the way our culture wants you too), but you will learn over time to carry this in a different way. But that is for later. For now, take time to grieve. Spend as much time with your husband and daughter as you can. Find a friend who will walk this road with you. Again, I am so sorry for your loss. (I know I am a stranger, but if you need to talk you can contact me at jcmoxley@att.net)

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  5. I was directed to your blog by a mutual friend Elizabeth. I am feeling my heart breaking for you and this puts me right back where I was in October of 2011. I too lost b/g twins at 20 weeks along. My loss was due to an irratation of the uterus from a hematoma (as far as we can gather). I went into labor fast and I didn't even know what was happening. It was the scariest, most heart wrenching thing that has EVER happened to me. I know exactly how you are feeling and the guilt you are entrenched in. I know what it's like to hold tiny babies in your arms who never had the chance to be anyone. I know what it's like to feel like you will never recover. The one thing that is vastly different is that you have a lovely little girl to call you mama and who needs you. My son came after and has healed a huge portion of the pain, but my longing for the twins has never gone away. It does get better, and you will find a way to move forward. There is just too much advice to give so I will point you to one post I wrote. Hopefully it helps you find some way to cope.
    http://missconception-ads.blogspot.com/2014/01/surviving-babyloss.html

    If you want to read my posts from right after my loss (if you need that understanding) head toward October 2011-2012.

    Please let me know if there is anything I can do or if you want to talk. I have an E-mail you can use or FB. I am just so very sorry you lost something so precious to you. This is beyond what any parent should have to deal with.
    Much compassion, Alissa S. (MissConception)

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    1. I found your blog through another post over the weekend and started reading some of it. Thank you so much for reaching out to me. I def want to connect and plan to read more of your blog and how you got through this horrible time. *hugs* I'm so sorry this ever happened to you.

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    2. If you need or want to connect e-mail me at missconceptionads@hotmail.com and we can chat that way or connect on Facebook messanger. I still think of my little loves all the time but with time and devotion to them and healing, I am in a good place 3 and a half years later. I know you will not just survive this but become the angel mommy those babies can count on to honor their short lives.

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    3. I sent you an email this morning

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  6. My heart aches for you. I'm just so so sorry and I'm sorry you are getting those comments about trying again. The loss of your babies is unfair. Infertility is unfair. I've been thinking about you a lot and I'm holding you in my heart.

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  7. No part of what happened was your fault, though I know with grief, it is impossible not to look for somewhere to place blame. I can't imagine what you're going through and the thoughts that take over, but I'm so glad you're still here, and I know that you make all three of your babies proud. I hope that with every day, the darkness lets up a little bit more until you aren't experiencing this level of grief anymore.

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  8. Your pain is so apparent. I wish i could ease it somehow but know that I cannot. You didn't fail your babies although I understand why you feel this way. None of this is your fault my sweet friend.

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