Sunday, May 31, 2015

One week ago

I see it so clearly.  A week ago today I went to the ER.  I was having chills and a fever.  I kept having contractions.  I counted 18 in one hour and called my OB.  I called my mom to watch Katie so David could take me.  I thought I was being "that" person, but I had to be sure they were okay.

I got checked in and I was lying on a bed with my contractions, when suddenly one came and my water broke and and with each contraction more fluid came out.  I remember it all.  I was crying, I told David my water broke, that something very bad was happening.  It felt like hours before I was taken to ultrasound and I saw them.  They were there and perfect.  Both of their hearts were beating in the 160s.  Their beautiful hearts and they were moving.  She took pictures and then left and came back and focused on my Emma.  I had hope, because they were both alive.  I thought it might be okay even if my water broke.

I went back to the room and waited for what seemed like hours again.  Finally I was told there was nothing they could do for Emma.  She would die.  I cried and David broke down.  I saw David on the floor of the ER room in a ball crying his heart out for Emma.  Both of us begging the doctor, please anything, anything to save her.  I don't care what, just tell me a choice, something, give me hope.  There was none.  I was admitted and I would go into labor with her 12 hours later.  She would be born sleeping, even though I saw her, I saw her alive, I saw her heart beat, and then I was told it was goodbye.

4 comments:

  1. Sweet Emma. Sweet sweet girl.

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  2. I already commented a lot of my initial feelings on your last post, but my goodness do I remember this pain. I also saw my twins before the delivery and they were both alive. Both moving and healthy. It was my body that was sick, it was me. It would have been easier had they already passed when I went to check on them, at least a tiny bit. But to see our babies alive, KNOWING they would die if born...it's too much. You just want to take a pill to stop the labor or squeeze your legs together in the naive hope they won't have to come out.
    My heart is with you.

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  3. I'm just in tears. I hate that this happened and that you ever had to go through something so horrific. There are just no words.

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  4. I'm just now reading this and so sorry for your loss. I'm crying tears of sadness for you as I read this.

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