Sunday, June 28, 2015

Memorial

Since the loss of Emma and Chase I've been working on a memorial. I wanted a shelf for them, so they have their place in our home.  I recognize I need to heal and move forward, but they will never, ever be forgotten and will never not be a part of my family.  They just won't be a part of my family in the way I'd hoped or imagined.

Today, my husband and I put their ashes together in the urn and I completed (for the most part) the memorial shelf.  There's an ornament stand on each side for anything I find or see that I feel compelled to get in honor of them, but otherwise it's pretty much done.

I'll start with the full shelf and how it looks.  It's in the dining room.  We don't really use this room much right now so it's perfect.



Here is a close up of Emma's side


Here's the close up of Chase's side


And a close up of the joining wall where my babies meet.


I love the way we've chosen to memorialize them.  And I will always carry them in my heart wherever I go, for as long as I live.  I do plan to try for our rainbow when I'm medically cleared to do so. Never to replace what I lost.  That is impossible.  I still want for Kate to have living siblings and there's always more love in our hearts for more children. I don't know if I'll get as lucky with treatments, but I'll worry about that later.  I've been blessed with three beautiful children and that is more than many can hope for.

 One thing missing from my treatments this time was acupuncture.  I believe in my acupuncturist, as far as helping and keeping my body healthy.  I felt differently with this pregnancy from the start, as in the first Femara pill I ever took.  I remember how much anxiety I had even announcing the pregnancy on social media.  I want my acupuncturist to help monitor me next time.  While he can't help me conceive, he's the one who had me on iron early in my pregnancy with Katie and would adjust supplements necessary. I don't want to take a chance on this type of thing ever happening again.  While I know there's nothing I can do to prevent another loss, I want to do all I know to do to increase the odds.  

For now, though, I am here.  Still grieving and still healing, both physically and emotionally.  I still feel guilty for what happened to them.  I'll see my OB on July 6th and maybe there will be more answers to my story, maybe there won't.  I'll have more information at that time.  I plan to do a consult with my RE as well to get his opinion on the situation and then schedule a consult with my acupuncturist. One step at a time, one day at a time, and some days (more often than not right now), one hour at a time.

For everyone reading, especially anyone who's reached out to me, thank you from the bottom of my heart. Your love and support has been more than I could ever hope for. 

Saturday, June 27, 2015

CD 1.....

And just like that we're back.  6 day LP (I expected as much). I guess I should be happy my body is back to whatever "normal" is.  But yeah.....  FML

A new day

I finally had a good sleep last night.  My sleep is very inconsistent and in the past week hasn't been great.  I slept very well last night, although I'm still groggy and tired this morning.  I think I know why though.  My physical results came in yesterday and my iron levels are still low.  My PCP wants me to take iron twice a day now and then retest in a few months.  I wonder if that has to do with the brain fogginess, etc I've been feeling.  I think once my physicals come out 100% healthy, I might try to stop the buspirone (anxiety med) and see how I feel then.

My iron also explains why I was so sick after the 5k.  I never should've done it.  I wasn't in the place for it.  I really am trying to focus on my health, so I'll be looking at more iron rich foods to incorporate into my diet.

Today for some reason I woke up feeling strong.  Strong in spirit, like I can do this.  I know these things often only come for a minute, an hour, or a day.  So far never longer than a day, but right now it's here.  I feel love today too.  I dunno if my babies are with me or what, but I feel them.  I hope this feeling doesn't pass too quickly.

Their urn came in yesterday.  Perfect day for it.  I love it!  I think it's perfect for them. Not at all the crib I'd hoped to be buying, but just like with any crib, it was bought with all the love in the world because they deserve it and more.


Friday, June 26, 2015

Chase-One Month

And here I am.  One month since the loss of Chase.  Counting how long since I said goodbye, not until I'll say hello.  I did do better yesterday than I expected.  I felt peaceful and like Emma was with me.  As it got closer and closer to nighttime I started to lose that feeling.  I tossed and turned most of the night.  This morning I just feel dead inside and numb.  I don't feel Chase with me the way I felt Emma.  I wonder why.

It's only 7:15 in the morning and I'm already dreading how I'll get through the day.  I'm taking K to a playdate this afternoon and I'm struggling with how I'll put on my fake "okay" face.  I just want to cry and hug my bears that resemble my kids and never leave bed.  K will be up soon though and so I can't do that.

I'm mad at myself for not doing a random act of kindness yesterday.  I tried looking, but nothing became obvious.  In fact, I had the opposite.  A RAK for me.  I don't know who sent me this and I contacted the seller and was told the giver wanted to remain anonymous, but I received a necklace with an E and a C on it for each baby.  I hate not knowing who sent it, so I can thank them.  So sweet of someone to do that.  So, instead of giving, I took.  Today I feel dead and empty inside. I also have cramps since AF will come in the next few days.

I miss my Chase.  I wish I felt him with me.  I wish I knew he was okay.  I wish I knew my babies forgive me.  I wish I was posting that I'm 23 weeks and viability is one week away.  Today I'm not okay.

Thursday, June 25, 2015

Emma-One month

It's been one month since I lost Emma.  In some ways I was pregnant ages ago, in some ways, has it really been a month?  It feels like it just happened.  I never thought I'd be counting down to how long it's been since I lost her.  I thought the countdown was until she was born and in my arms, not like this, but alive with her brother.

I'm doing better today than I expected.  I don't know if it's anxiety med or what, but I'm grateful.  I feel calm today and peaceful.  Honestly, I feel like she is with me.  I've "felt" her presence all day long and I don't care if anyone thinks I'm crazy.  I've been wanting to do a random act of kindness in her name, but so far nothing's really presented itself.  We'll see if it happens.  For now I'm content just to feel her presence and remember all the joy she did bring me and will continue to bring me.  She'll be watching over her living sister and her dad as well.

I miss my Emma.  I miss all that she would've been here and in this world.  I'd change it all in an instant if I could.  I love you Emma!  Mama's holding you in her heart forever.

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

One month-ER

It's been one month since I went to the ER and the nightmare began.  One month since life will never, ever be the same.  I was talking to someone and she explained it perfectly.  I'm like a china cup that's been shattered.  All the pieces are back together, but the cup is still cracked and never the same. I'm trying to figure it out.

I get asked a lot, "how are you?"  How do I answer that?  I'm different than I was a month ago, but not better.  I'm still very sad, my heart is still broken.  I don't always break down crying every night after I put Katie to bed.  I've had some days where I've even watched Katie play or do something with her and genuinely felt happy about it or good.  It never lasts a whole day and sometimes it only lasts moments. I still don't know how I'm supposed to go the rest of my life.

I had a physical this morning.  I had a panic attack as soon as I saw the blood pressure machine come at me.  I just freaked out, it reminded me of the hospital and it took a while for me to calm down.  The doctor was understanding.  She'd had a stillbirth at 24 weeks this past November.  She said what they all day, "it gets better".  When?  How?  I think she was pregnant.  I ended up with a script for Buspirone, it's an anxiety med.  I looked it up and a good friend of mine has taken it before and said it wasn't too bad.  I'm curious to see how my physical blood results turn out when I get them back.

What to do about tomorrow and Friday?  One month since losing Emma and Chase.  I wish I had a guide on how to go through this kind of loss before this happened so I'd know what to do, how to act, what to say, how to survive.

I did order the urn yesterday.  Finally found the perfect epitaph.

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Memorial Cube

My memorial cube came in today that I got with a Shutterfly GC I won on an angels page.  I actually smiled today, like from the heart, when I saw it.  I love it and it looks perfect on my memorial shelf.  The shelf is coming along too. I'll take a picture once it's done or almost done.

Anyways, let me share some pics.






I'm doing better today.  I was able to concentrate at work more and feel more like my old self, at least as far as work performance goes.  I'm also coming on the one month since the loss.  I'm thinking of ways to honor them and right now the thin that comes to mind is a random act of kindness.  Doing something on Thursday in Emma's memory and then Friday in Chase's.  Not sure yet, but hopefully the right thing will strike me.  I think I'm going to do a RAK on the month anniversary during the whole first year.  I'd love any ideas anyone has.

Monday, June 22, 2015

Dead

They're dead.  They're gone.  There's nothing I can ever do to change this.  Nothing I can do to make it right.  No way to change the past, make different choices, maybe save them.  Nothing.  

How do I ever pick up the pieces and go?  How is it ever okay again?  How do I ever stop wishing I was dead with them?  I know I'll never forgive myself, but what happens now?  How do I make it through the next minute? 5 minutes?  Hour?  Lifetime?  How?

Where is my brain?

Went to work this morning.  This was the first day of summer session, meaning extra crazy! I can't think.  I've been having processing issues.  Like someone tells me something and a second later I forget.  I can't hang onto any thoughts.  I wonder aimlessly at the grocery store, forgetting why I'm there. I'll read bread on my list and then forget, then read again, and forget.  I feel like a complete and utter idiot.  I didn't expect it to happen at work, but it did.  My brain just shut down on me.  I felt incompetent and honestly like I wanted to crawl under a rock and cry.  I hate it.  I hate feeling stupid and hopeless.  I don't know how to think or how to do my job.  It took me a long time to do the basic stuff.  I hear it's part of grief.  I dunno.  I'm sad and confused.

I'm better physically today, I think.  My brain is weird, so I don't know.  I'm just fuzzy and I can't think.

I also hear about mom's with loss who say things like, when I have a good day I know it's a gift from them.  Or when I see a rainbow, I know it's a sign.  I don't have any of that.  They are just gone from me. I'm so sad and so broken over them being gone, I don't know if I'll see the signs or if I just don't believe or what.  I want so bad to see something from them to know that it's okay.  Maybe they hate me for killing them.  They should.  I hate me for it.


Sunday, June 21, 2015

Sick, again.....

This is going to be a huge mix mash of stuff.  I swear I think I'm a crazy person.  One minute I'm fine, the next minute I'm not.  I don't know how any stands me right now, honestly.

Yesterday I was an emotional wreck.  I've been having so much trouble sleeping lately.  It takes me forever to fall asleep, but then I'm okay, but I also wake up very early.  I've been averaging about 5ish hours lately.

Anyways, yesterday I was a mess.  I was exhausted, I was drinking (when Katie was napping, never while I'm her primary caretaker) and crying and one minute annoyed with DH, one minute not.  One thing led to another and we had sex, even though I'm not supposed to until I'm cleared July 6th.  I'm so ashamed of myself and embarrassed and I just hate myself for it. I know my emotions are crazy, my hormones are crazy, I'm all over the place.  Not sure if it was a need for connecting, closeness, or what.  I've been terrified of having sex and glad I wasn't even allowed to, so this shocked me.  I just want to crawl under a rock and stay there.

Then last night I did a 5k.  The Foam Glow run.  I was exhausted, I'm not at all a night person, but wanted to do it.  I couldn't run much at all, I was ashamed of myself at the time for that too (anyone sense a theme?).  I mostly walked though and it was more than I'd done in a long, long time.  Months.  I finally made it to the end and all I wanted was to pass out and have water.  Made it back to the car (more walking) and got home.  I had a small snack and tried to sleep, but I was so incredibly nauseous.

I slept maybe 4 hours last night?  And then this morning I thought with coffee and some food I might feel better, but no.  I've been sick, dizzy, and nauseous all day.  I started sneezing mid-day.  I hate how I can never get better.  I dunno if pretty much walking the 5k was too much or what.  When the hell did I become this frail person?  That doesn't even make sense to me.  God, I just hate everything about myself.

Today is also Father's Day.  I made DH breakfast and dressed Katie up so adorable, in this yellow romper he loves.  He calls her his little duckling, lol.  We went to lunch and I put on makeup and looked okay for it. I couldn't eat much and it was hard to get through lunch.  Came home and got Katie down for nap and then I took some meds and lied on the couch.  I was going to bake him cookies and make him a special dinner.  I could hardly get around the house.  When Katie woke up they went swimming since I can't do that either, of course.  And I cleaned up a bit in between taking a break.  They had a blast and DH said he had an amazing Father's Day, but yeah...  I fucked this up too.

So, now I'm still dizzy and sick and feeling just horrible.  Tomorrow is the first day of summer school and even though I'm only working Tues/Thurs I volunteered to help since I know it's going to be crazy and I feel like shit backing out now.

Tomorrow..... 4 weeks since I lost Emma.  Tuesday, 4 weeks since I lost Chase.  I'm coming on a month this week.  I don't know how to handle this.  I miss my babies.  I miss my life before this nightmare.

Friday, June 19, 2015

Ovulating... You've got to be kidding me....

After 40 TTC cycles you just get to know your body.  I could tell earlier this week that I was getting ovulation signs.  Mind you I'm STILL bleeding from giving birth to the twins. It's slowed down a lot and right now it's more spotting than bleeding, but yeah....

Anyways, I've been checking OPKs once a day, just to see if my body is doing what I think its doing and sure enough.....  Can you believe it?  Barely 3 weeks after giving birth my piece of shit body is ovulating....  This means AF could come as early as a week from now, I'm guessing sometime next weekend.  Just shoot me, please. I just want a fucking break already.


Thoughts.....

I made it through work.  In some ways it was nice being back in that environment.  Pretty much everyone knew so I didn't have to repeat the story over and over again.  I got a lot of hugs and then it was down to business.  The distraction was good and I wore a necklace a very good friend of mine had made for me to try and draw strength from it.


Through infertility I've met some of the most amazing people.  People who have become my rock during this horrible time. I've met some in person and hope to meet others one day, but to me they are family and there isn't anything I would do for my infertility sisters.  Through the years we've become close on all levels, even though it all started with us all struggling to have children.  It's just become so much more.

And now with this loss brings other amazing people into my life.  I've had comments from people I haven't heard from before who've found me either through BBC (babycenter) or through friends who've said hey, my friend needs you, you've been through this.  I want to take a second and thank both Alissa and Holly for reaching out to me and being awesome support during this time.  Also, everyone who comments.  I read and it means a lot that so many of you care.

Yesterday when I was at work, I was able to not think of myself for a while, which is why I wanted to go back.  I don't like being selfish, I like like woe is me, I don't like feeling sorry for myself and what I don't have.  Everyone struggles, everyone hurts, everyone is going through something. I'm trying to focus on my fellow friends and go back to supporting them during their fertility treatments or whatever else they are going through.  Some moments I can, but when I can I'm trying to.  This brings me to my actual point of this paragraph and that's happiness.

 I am not happy. I've lost my babies and I'm swimming through this pool of guilt, shame, sorry, heartbreak, confusion, etc trying to navigate my way through it.  I'm told by others that I will smile again.  I've had a few pockets of it this week.  When I took Kate to Toddler Time I was able to truly enjoy that time with her.  To enjoy the fact that years ago I could only dream of doing this with my child and now here I am doing it.   Later, I felt guilty.  How dare I?  How dare I ever enjoy anything again?  Emma and Chase don't get to breathe, smile, hope, laugh, eat, nothing.  How dare I, their mother, even think of enjoying anything again when they never will?  I need to figure out how that part is going to be okay, 'cause right now it doesn't feel like it.  Right now I don't eve want to feel better and I know it. I'm hanging onto all the negativity because I don't deserve not to have it.

A battle between my head and my heart. Also, I'm having so much trouble thinking and processing.  I can't remember things like I used to.  I feel like I don't always understand what's being said to me.  Just in general. I don't know why it's so hard for me to process, but I feel like a bonafide idiot. 

Enough randomness for now.  

Thursday, June 18, 2015

Back to work

For those who don't know I'm a Board Certified Behavior Analyst and work as a Behavior Specialist for a nearby district. I'm working summer school part-time on Tues/Thurs for extra money for medical bills and stuff. I start today, this afternoon we're setting up classrooms. This morning I'm taking Kate to the library for Toddler Time.

I'm having major anxiety about going back to work. Weirdly being at home makes me feel like I'm closer to the twins. I guess more like I'm home with them, even though I know this makes 0 sense. But now I feel like I'm leaving them and that's hard for me. I'm using essential oils to help calm me down and it's working some. I hope it goes well. I feel like I'm on the brink of a mental freakout over it.

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Dentist

I'm doing better today.  Last night was one of those rock bottom nights.  I consumed half a bottle of wine (I'm not a huge drinker) and was just losing it.  I put myself to bed after the post and feel better and calmer this morning.

Took Kate to gymnastics this morning and she did so much better than a week ago.  She was adorable and had an absolute blast.  I genuinely enjoyed her and doing the class with her.

Then I went to the dentist.  This was a get x-rays and have a state of union kind of appointment.  Well, the state of the union is bad.  For anyone who doesn't know I'm not afraid of the dentist.  Nope, I'm petrified. I'd rather do almost anything, then have to see the dentist.  Exhibit A, I haven't been in over 10 years.  In early 2005 I had my wisdom teeth removed and that was my last visit.

Well, they found a cyst in my jaw.  I have to be referred to a specialist to have it checked out and have it possibly biopsied.  I also have 13 cavities. 8 are brand new cavities and 5 are old cavities that have cracks, fell out, etc.  Just sucks.  I'm hoping the cyst has nothing to do with my infection, but right now I don't know.  The dentist said she didn't think so.

Tomorrow I'll call the specialist and see about an appt and go from there.

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

Right now, this minute

Right now, this minute the pain is too much.  I thought I was okay, but I'm not okay.  How is it ever okay?  Right now, this minute I wish I was dead.  I don't want to feel it anymore.  I don't want to feel the emotional scar, the hole where two of my kids are supposed to be.  I think my daughter would be fine without her dad.  I'm not that great of a mom, I killed her siblings.  I know she'd never understand though and I'd never do that to her.  I can't hurt all 3 of them.  No one reading this needs to worry that I'm going to do anything.  I'm only wishing, not doing.

I think about leaving my husband.  I think he hates me.  He says he loves me, but I know he's tired of looking at me and I'm never happy.  I don't think I'm ever going to be happy.  How can he stand me?  My body was never the instrument of life due to infertility, but now it's an instrument of death.

I hate my body.  I hate the fucking cramps.  My goddammed stupid body.  I hate it!  The body that would never work properly to give me children.  The body that destroyed and killed the most important things in it.  My body that gets sick.  I can't beat anything.  It's been cold sore after cold sore after cold sore.  I keep getting colds.  I have horrible cramps right now.  I'm still bleeding.  I still make milk.  I wish I could stab it, kick it, burn it, destroy it for what it's done to me, my family.

Right now, this minute I'm just trying to make it to the next.  I don't know how.  I don't know that it's even possible.  I keep hearing it will get better.  When?  When does it ever get better?  How can anything be better when they will never come back?

Kate had her 18 month appt today.  He says she's absolutely perfect, beautiful, and healthy.  Something worked once.  She is mine.  I couldn't create her, or keep her in the whole time, but with help I did it.  I love her.  She is everything that is beautiful and perfect.  I tried to buy her shirts.  Children's Place was having a sale.  There were 3 of them.  3 shirts that all had a sister theme.  She is a sister, not that it counts.

I hate life, I hate nature, I hate almost everything.

Right now, this minute I'm crying so hard and tears are streaming down my face.  I'm trying to drown myself in wine, but it's not working, it still hurts.

Right now, this minute I'm missing my babies.  Emily and Chase, I love you.  I'm sorry.

3 weeks-Chase

I honestly don't know how I'm going to do this.  I think one minute that it's starting to get easier, that it's okay and then BAM, it just isn't.

Chase, I miss you.  You were the baby I felt moving inside of me due to where the placenta was and your location.  Since 11 weeks, at least a few times a week you let me know you were there.  If I moved suddenly, inhaled weird, coughed, etc.  You were there to jab me and be like, "hey"!  I wonder how you would've looked.  You looked diff than Kate and Emma.  For years I'd pictured my son Chase.  As early as high school I remember dreams where I saw you, curly dark hair and blue eyes.  So handsome.  I always envisioned gentle and nice.  What would your favorite color had been?  Would you be a geek/nerd like your dad?  Jock and into sports?  Things I'll wonder for the rest of my life.  Things I'll never know.  My heart aches for you.

My body is doing weird things this week.  I had ovary cramping like ovulation, now I'm cramping like AF is about to start.  I'm still bleeding from delivery all this time later.  My dental appt is tomorrow.  I'm terrified of the dentist, but I know I have cavities and need to go.

I feel sad and my heart is as dark and gray as the clouds outside.  Katie is 18 months today, but doesn't feel well.  I have to take her to get shots in a bit and it kills me.  I'm trying to survive each moment, but it's not easy.  Today my heart hurts.  I miss my kids.


Monday, June 15, 2015

3 weeks-Emma

Rocking Katie to sleep tonight and singing her songs I looked in her face and wondered, what would've Emma looked like?  How would they have interacted?  They'd share a room eventually, would they have gotten along?  Would they like the same toys?

I thought about Emma a lot today.  What would she have felt like in my arms?  Cuddly or independent like her sister?  What color would her hair have been?  Her eyebrows were so blond at 19 weeks.

Emma, my precious youngest daughter, I miss you.  I thought about you so much and wished I could hold you and see you.  Well, I wish you were 21 weeks an growing in me, but I wish you were still with me.  I still don't know how I'm supposed to get through this world without you.

It's not easier.  I am not okay.  I'm not sure I'll ever be okay, although I'm told that I will be. I still feel guilty although saying it makes people mad, so I've stopped. Why did this happen?  I just want my babies back.

Thursday, June 11, 2015

Me

I am the kind of person who hates pity.  I get angry when others pity me because no matter what is wrong in my life, there are many others who have it much, much worse and I am aware of that.  I hate that right now I'm the source of pity for a lot of people.

I also just feel so much guilt right now and anger at myself.  No matter how sad I am, I will never, ever be able to bring them back.  They are gone forever.  I'm the kind of person who tries not to be selfish and I try to support and focus on others.  I've tried to do this during my grief and I think I did okay at first, but not anymore.  I'm having such a hard time.  I read and follow along my usual threads, blogs, etc., but I feel apart from it all.  I have a hard time checking in others and giving support and I feel selfish.  I can't give to my twins, but I can give to my friends, family, husband, and daughter and I'm not.  I'm in a cloud of sadness, where even if a smile makes it to my lips because it's expected, it doesn't touch my heart.  I know it can be seen in my eyes, my eyes have never been good at lying.  I just feel like I don't do anything for anyone and I hate that about myself.  I hate that I've become so selfish because of this.  I'm trying not to be, but I just feel so dead on the inside.  I guess that's the best word to describe it.  Dead.  I'm sorry to everyone who I've let down.  I'm sorry to my twins.  I'm not that great a person it turns out.

Counseling Appt

My counseling appt was meh. She both wanted to book a second appt and refer me to someone else. I dunno what to think. I'm too overwhelmed.

Up until now I've felt mostly guilt, sadness, and depression. Pockets of bitterness and rage are starting to come out as of yesterday evening. I snapped a bit on an online thread.

I've also started looking at urns. I was planing on crib shopping not urn shopping. I got too sad and overwhelmed and I stopped.

I'm exhausted today and just don't feel well. Praying Katie stays asleep as long as possible to get me closer to when DH gets home. It's MIL's bday so the evening should go by pretty easy and then DH is taking his last bereavement day tomorrow.

Random post I know.

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Baby Dust......

I've never been too fond of the term "baby dust" and now I know I will never, ever think of it the same way.  My "baby dust" arrived today.  Not sure if I mentioned this before, but I was so sick and so upset that my FIL took care of everything.  I wasn't even sure what I was receiving today, but I got a container with each baby.  I can now look for my own urn and I'm pretty sure I want them together.  I'm also working on a shelf for their memorial.

I have so many emotions right now.  I think more and more they're coming out.  I'm close to snapping for sure.  My tolerance is zilch right now for pretty much everything.  I feel guilt, anger, sadness, depression, bitterness, and lots of ugly on the inside.

DH and I just hugged each other and cried and cried.  I seriously don't see how life is ever going to be okay again.  I'm dreading the counselling appt tomorrow.


Here are the remains of each baby. 


This is the shelf I'm working on.  I want a table runner and then a frame pictures of each baby and also the piece of paper that explains what the bears are.  The bears displayed are made in size an weight to Emma and Chase, so I can hold them even though I can't hold my babies and remember them. 


Here's me on Monday holding the bears after I got them.  My friend Mary Ann made them for me.



Here's the papers that are lying on the shelf that I want framed.  I also want a picture of each baby on the shelf.

Emma and Chase, I miss you so, so much.  I love you with every fiber of my being and I'm so sorry for what I did to you.  Rest in peace my beautiful, precious angels.

Tuesday, June 9, 2015

Cremation

I got the phone call today that all the paperwork has been filed to get their death certificates so they can be cremated.  Cremation is happening this afternoon and the urn is being dropped off tomorrow.

I'm not even close to okay and I had to leave the house this afternoon since I didn't think I could handle it.  I just keep seeing their little bodies being burned, I can hardly even type this out. This shouldn't be happening.  This should not be my reality, their reality.  They should be safely in me, 21 weeks pregnant today.  Instead they are not and never will be.  I keep seeing their u/s in my head, they were alive until my body kicked them out.  They were growing, healthy, perfect.  Nothing wrong, until my body destroyed them and ended them.

I hate my disgusting body.  The body that couldn't conceive them and couldn't even keep them safe.  The body that killed them.  I shouldn't even be alive.  I don't deserve to enjoy my living child when they will never enjoy anything ever. I just want them back and not in an urn.

2 weeks-Chase

I've been up all hours of the night and then early this morning.  I can't stop thinking about them.  My babies.  I wonder what Chase would've looked like.  I wonder about his hair and his eyes, his personality.  I'd always imagined him mild, sweet, and playful.  I guess similar to big sister Kate. I always pictured him with blue eyes and dark curly hair.  Things I'll always wonder and never know.  I miss him so much.  The wound is still raw.  I catch myself touching my flattened stomach every now and then.  Sometimes I think I feel a kick.  I was told I'd get those.  Since I was feeling movement only a few times a week I thought maybe I'd get lucky, but I guess not.  I love him and it hurts so bad that he and his sister are gone.

I focused on my health a bit yesterday.  I made a dental visit, something I haven't done in over 5 years.  That appointment is next week and I also made a physical for the 24th.  A month from when I was initially hospitalized.  I can't ever bring the two I lost back.  However, I can try and improve my health so if there's ever a rainbow, they will be safer.

I'm anxious about my counseling appt on Thursday.  I hope it goes well.  I'm glad DH is coming with me.  For now I just feel blank and sad.  It's gonna be a long day.

Monday, June 8, 2015

2 weeks-Emma

So, here I am. Two weeks out from my loss with Emma.  I can't say it's gotten better.  Yesterday and right now I've been more numb, just empty on the inside.  I've been keeping busy.  Took my LC (living child) to the splash pad after a pizza dinner. A friend came over with her toddler to play with us for a bit before that.  Hubby has the day off today.  He had two days of bereavement his boss insisted he use, so we're trying to do things as a family to help connect us.  I dread my husband going back to work tomorrow.

I think the ashes will be ready this week.  I'm not sure what I think about that.  I won a $20 GC to shutterfly to honor my angels and I need to see what I want to do and what pictures.  I wish maybe I'd had Katie be in the photos with us since there's a family one that doesn't include her and I worry if she sees it when she's older she might feel left out.  I don't know.  So much to think about.

I miss my Emma.  I was up in the middle of the night just imagining how she felt in my arms, her face, her hands.  So, so perfect.  Dead because of me, her mom.  The one who was supposed to keep her safe, protected, and growing.  I let her down, I killed her.  No, it was never my intention.  Heck, I spoke to two different doctors before even allowing a small amount of caffeine into my body.  I followed all the "rules" and was careful, but none of it matters, I s'pose. In the end of the day the body that was supposed to grow her, killed her.

I think about her personality a lot.  What would she have been like?  Would she have been mild and sweet like Katie?  More assertive?  Bossy?  What would her favorite color have been?  Would she be more girly or more like a tom boy, sorta like Katie?  Would she love music?  Dancing? Climbing?  I'll never know.

"They" say it gets easier.  I'm still waiting.

Saturday, June 6, 2015

despair

I hate myself.  I have one living child and in the world of infertility I'm lucky to even have that.  I've spent all day in despair and a blanket of sadness.  I can't enjoy one ounce of her.  We went to a farm place I've wanted to take her for a while now and I couldn't even enjoy it.  I just see her growing up alone and I miss the other two so much.  I hate myself because I'm missing out on my living child by grieving for children that I'll never experience no matter what.  I'll never, ever see them do anything or grow or cry or laugh and because I'm grieving that I can't enjoy seeing it on the child I do have.  What a shitty mom I am.  I don't deserve any children.

Friday, June 5, 2015

Today

Today, I was mostly okay. I started the morning by taking Kate to the park to run around. After nap a friend stopped by to visit and bring dinner. Then I took Kate to run around open gym while I signed us up for mommy and me gymnastics starting this Wed. Came home and enjoyed the dinner and played with Katie. David (DH) did bath time and then I do bedtime.

As Kate wrapped her arms around my neck I sang her You Are My Sunshine and Soft Kitty. As tears rolled down my face I realized I would never hold Emma and Chase, never sing to them, and never sign them up for anything. I miss and love them so much. Why did this happen?

peace and/or healing

I don't know why, but today for some reason I feel a gain of peace and/or hope that it's going to be okay.  I'm still very sad, on the verge of tears, feeling guilty, and missing Emma and Chase with my whole heart.  But there's something in there that says maybe, just maybe it's going to be okay.

I've gotten so much support. I mean, unbelievable amounts of support from so many people.  I'm humbled and feel I don't deserve any of it and can never give back all that I've gotten.  I'm so touched that people actually care about my babies.  They were here and they matter and everyone knows that.  Emma and Chase may have only existed physically in my body and in my arms sleeping, but their spirits exist for so many who've shown my family and I love and support.

I'm trying to do things with Katie and starting this Wed we'll be doing a mommy and me gymnastics class I'm excited and looking forward to.  My husband is taking off this Monday and next Friday since he has two more days of bereavement and we're going to do some things together as a family. Somehow, someway it's going to be okay.  I know I may not always feel like it, but at this moment I do.

Thursday, June 4, 2015

Meditation

I received this amazing book today from a dear friend of mine, Farra. I think I could really use something like this to help me and I started on it tonight.


I think the June 4th page was the right page for me because cry I did.  Crying for my twins, crying for my daughter, crying for my husband, and crying for myself.  Crying because more than anything I wanted them.  I pictured all 3 of them together, playing, fighting, annoying the crap out of me and I loved it.  I loved what they would add to my world.  Crying because I thought I was done with infertility.  Even though I'll always be an infertile, I thought I was past the stage of trying for my family.  Crying because I feel so much guilt and hate within myself.  Crying because this sucks.


To everyone who's commented and reached out, thank you.  I do read the comments and it means so much to me that you guys care.  

Counseling

I'm not feeling a lot better today. Still feeling guilty and like shit. Still missing my babies and still being a crap mom to my living child. Living child. Up until the loss I was entering a world of terms like multiples, singleton, twins, etc. Now, it's living and nonliving.

I broke down last night to my husband who insisted on a counseling appt. I called and we have one set for next thurs 6/11 at 10:00 am.

Oh and some good news. I've lost a lot of weight and now weight the least I've ever weighed as an adult. Maybe I can do about 4 more lbs to give me wiggle room.

Wednesday, June 3, 2015

Hate

So many people are reaching out to me, bringing by meals and little gifts in the memory of Emma and Chase. I'm breaking down over it this evening. Why is everyone so nice to me? Why aren't they calling me child killer and spitting on me? My body killed them. My body failed to protect them. I killed my babies. I wish people would treat me like I deserve. I hate myself.

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Minute by minute

Today is one of the days I have to survive a minute at a time. Katie deserves better and so much more. We took a walk and tried some drawing. I'm falling apart on the couch while my amazing girl plays independently with her toys. She's more than I'll ever deserve. I love her so much, but it's so hard today.

One week since I said goodbye to Chase

And so here it is.  A week since I said goodbye to Chase.  A week since any hope of bringing home any baby was gone.  I kept it together most of yesterday, but starting in the afternoon it got harder and harder.  Last night I could hardly function and today I feel empty and sad.  I feel it's just never going to be okay.  I feel stupid.  I thought when I found out twin B was a boy and I named him Chase, that it meant that he was going to make it.  I thought he'd be saved because his name was Chase, but I was wrong.  So wrong.

They were both so beautiful and so perfect and just too early. They were even good size for their gestational age.  I don't know how I'm going to get through today, but right now I'll start with getting through this hour.  Katie just woke up, so I need to make myself go in there and take care of her. She deserves nothing but the best.

Monday, June 1, 2015

Hard Night

Tonight is hard.  I keep breaking down.  I did okay with Katie most of the day and then it got harder after her nap, plus I was more worn out.  Then David came home and we went to the park and there I saw them-sisters.  One was 3 and was 20 months.  Their mom said there was 19 months between them.  Katie was going to be about 20 months older than the twins.  It's been hard the rest of the night and then, like every night, I sang Katie Soft Kitty before bed.  I couldn't make it through the song without crying and I haven't really stopped since then.  David and I sang each baby Soft Kitty when we said goodbye.  I can't believe I had to say goodbye. I don't know how I'll ever go on.  I don't know how it's ever going to be okay.  I wish my daughter didn't have to suffer because my body failed.  My husband lost, she lost, and I lost because my body couldn't do it.  And now no one's life will ever be the same.  2 lives lost and 3 changed forever.

One week since I said goodbye to Emma

Emma's been gone for one week.  One week. In some ways it feels like yesterday, in some ways it feels like long ago.  In some ways I feel like it was all just a nightmare.  Was I ever really pregnant?  I was so scared of a loss and spent my first tri in paralyzing fear, especially when my first ultrasound was less than ideal. I felt different from day one and it scared me.

I grew in confidence as I got to the second tri.  I started embracing being a twin mom and what that would mean.  I joined a multiples local group, started asking questions and making plans. I couldn't wait to find out the genders so I could plan even more.  I really and truly didn't care if I was having a boy or girl or both or what.  I only cared that they were coming and I was excited, and yes, a little scared.

One week since I said goodbye to Emma and clung onto hope that Chase would make it.  He'd already beaten the odds by not being born when she did.  They were going to do surgery on me due to the extreme blood loss from Emma, but I stabilized last minute.  I let myself have hope.

I remember a week ago lying in the hospital bed holding Emma.  A lot of people walking in and my introducing them to her as I held her.  I shared with those who came to visit.  I was numb, but still hopeful for Chase.  I was determined.  I had no idea I was even sick.  I didn't know what was even going on or how I lost my babies.

I started getting questions of what to do with her body.  Her body.  What do you mean?  She's in my arms, all dressed and beautiful.  She looks like big sister Kate.  She is so beautiful.  My Emma Lee.  I will never, ever forget you.  I love you forever and for always.  My Emma, I wish I could've saved you.  I'm so sorry my body failed you. I love you.