I've been up all hours of the night and then early this morning. I can't stop thinking about them. My babies. I wonder what Chase would've looked like. I wonder about his hair and his eyes, his personality. I'd always imagined him mild, sweet, and playful. I guess similar to big sister Kate. I always pictured him with blue eyes and dark curly hair. Things I'll always wonder and never know. I miss him so much. The wound is still raw. I catch myself touching my flattened stomach every now and then. Sometimes I think I feel a kick. I was told I'd get those. Since I was feeling movement only a few times a week I thought maybe I'd get lucky, but I guess not. I love him and it hurts so bad that he and his sister are gone.
I focused on my health a bit yesterday. I made a dental visit, something I haven't done in over 5 years. That appointment is next week and I also made a physical for the 24th. A month from when I was initially hospitalized. I can't ever bring the two I lost back. However, I can try and improve my health so if there's ever a rainbow, they will be safer.
I'm anxious about my counseling appt on Thursday. I hope it goes well. I'm glad DH is coming with me. For now I just feel blank and sad. It's gonna be a long day.