Tuesday, June 9, 2015

2 weeks-Chase

I've been up all hours of the night and then early this morning.  I can't stop thinking about them.  My babies.  I wonder what Chase would've looked like.  I wonder about his hair and his eyes, his personality.  I'd always imagined him mild, sweet, and playful.  I guess similar to big sister Kate. I always pictured him with blue eyes and dark curly hair.  Things I'll always wonder and never know.  I miss him so much.  The wound is still raw.  I catch myself touching my flattened stomach every now and then.  Sometimes I think I feel a kick.  I was told I'd get those.  Since I was feeling movement only a few times a week I thought maybe I'd get lucky, but I guess not.  I love him and it hurts so bad that he and his sister are gone.

I focused on my health a bit yesterday.  I made a dental visit, something I haven't done in over 5 years.  That appointment is next week and I also made a physical for the 24th.  A month from when I was initially hospitalized.  I can't ever bring the two I lost back.  However, I can try and improve my health so if there's ever a rainbow, they will be safer.

I'm anxious about my counseling appt on Thursday.  I hope it goes well.  I'm glad DH is coming with me.  For now I just feel blank and sad.  It's gonna be a long day.

1 comment:

  1. I remember when I was in the thick of this. One day I would actually wake-up in the morning and for one instant I would think I was still pregnant or feel a phantom kick and have to go through remembering the loss all over again. Walking past a mirror and seeing my non-pregnant belly and crying. Then there was the point where I would start thinking that maybe I was never pregnant at all...it would seem so unreal. I can't tell you how to deal with it, but give you support that I have been there and know how it feels.