I honestly don't know how I'm going to do this. I think one minute that it's starting to get easier, that it's okay and then BAM, it just isn't.
Chase, I miss you. You were the baby I felt moving inside of me due to where the placenta was and your location. Since 11 weeks, at least a few times a week you let me know you were there. If I moved suddenly, inhaled weird, coughed, etc. You were there to jab me and be like, "hey"! I wonder how you would've looked. You looked diff than Kate and Emma. For years I'd pictured my son Chase. As early as high school I remember dreams where I saw you, curly dark hair and blue eyes. So handsome. I always envisioned gentle and nice. What would your favorite color had been? Would you be a geek/nerd like your dad? Jock and into sports? Things I'll wonder for the rest of my life. Things I'll never know. My heart aches for you.
My body is doing weird things this week. I had ovary cramping like ovulation, now I'm cramping like AF is about to start. I'm still bleeding from delivery all this time later. My dental appt is tomorrow. I'm terrified of the dentist, but I know I have cavities and need to go.
I feel sad and my heart is as dark and gray as the clouds outside. Katie is 18 months today, but doesn't feel well. I have to take her to get shots in a bit and it kills me. I'm trying to survive each moment, but it's not easy. Today my heart hurts. I miss my kids.