Friday, June 26, 2015

Chase-One Month

And here I am.  One month since the loss of Chase.  Counting how long since I said goodbye, not until I'll say hello.  I did do better yesterday than I expected.  I felt peaceful and like Emma was with me.  As it got closer and closer to nighttime I started to lose that feeling.  I tossed and turned most of the night.  This morning I just feel dead inside and numb.  I don't feel Chase with me the way I felt Emma.  I wonder why.

It's only 7:15 in the morning and I'm already dreading how I'll get through the day.  I'm taking K to a playdate this afternoon and I'm struggling with how I'll put on my fake "okay" face.  I just want to cry and hug my bears that resemble my kids and never leave bed.  K will be up soon though and so I can't do that.

I'm mad at myself for not doing a random act of kindness yesterday.  I tried looking, but nothing became obvious.  In fact, I had the opposite.  A RAK for me.  I don't know who sent me this and I contacted the seller and was told the giver wanted to remain anonymous, but I received a necklace with an E and a C on it for each baby.  I hate not knowing who sent it, so I can thank them.  So sweet of someone to do that.  So, instead of giving, I took.  Today I feel dead and empty inside. I also have cramps since AF will come in the next few days.

I miss my Chase.  I wish I felt him with me.  I wish I knew he was okay.  I wish I knew my babies forgive me.  I wish I was posting that I'm 23 weeks and viability is one week away.  Today I'm not okay.

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