And here I am. One month since the loss of Chase. Counting how long since I said goodbye, not until I'll say hello. I did do better yesterday than I expected. I felt peaceful and like Emma was with me. As it got closer and closer to nighttime I started to lose that feeling. I tossed and turned most of the night. This morning I just feel dead inside and numb. I don't feel Chase with me the way I felt Emma. I wonder why.
It's only 7:15 in the morning and I'm already dreading how I'll get through the day. I'm taking K to a playdate this afternoon and I'm struggling with how I'll put on my fake "okay" face. I just want to cry and hug my bears that resemble my kids and never leave bed. K will be up soon though and so I can't do that.
I'm mad at myself for not doing a random act of kindness yesterday. I tried looking, but nothing became obvious. In fact, I had the opposite. A RAK for me. I don't know who sent me this and I contacted the seller and was told the giver wanted to remain anonymous, but I received a necklace with an E and a C on it for each baby. I hate not knowing who sent it, so I can thank them. So sweet of someone to do that. So, instead of giving, I took. Today I feel dead and empty inside. I also have cramps since AF will come in the next few days.
I miss my Chase. I wish I felt him with me. I wish I knew he was okay. I wish I knew my babies forgive me. I wish I was posting that I'm 23 weeks and viability is one week away. Today I'm not okay.