Thursday, June 4, 2015


I'm not feeling a lot better today. Still feeling guilty and like shit. Still missing my babies and still being a crap mom to my living child. Living child. Up until the loss I was entering a world of terms like multiples, singleton, twins, etc. Now, it's living and nonliving.

I broke down last night to my husband who insisted on a counseling appt. I called and we have one set for next thurs 6/11 at 10:00 am.

Oh and some good news. I've lost a lot of weight and now weight the least I've ever weighed as an adult. Maybe I can do about 4 more lbs to give me wiggle room.


  1. I wish I knew you in real life. I want to look into your eyes and tell you in no uncertain terms that you are being the best mother you can be right now. I was not a mother to a living child when I lost my baby but I was not successful as a person. There were days I felt accomplished because I showered. This is very, very fresh for you. Breathing is an accomplishment.

  2. Oh! And I just started seeing someone for stress/grief and it is awesome. I know that there is no changing the past, but reframing my thoughts has been really helpful.

  3. I don't know who you are, and you don't know me. But, I love you! I just wanted you to know that you are loved! Your babies were and are perfect. Too perfect for this earthly life. You will see them again, and you will get to raise them in the life to come. You can do this. You are strong. Horrible things happen to good people. I'm praying for you. This song/video helped me after I lost my baby. I hope it brings comfort to you as well.

  4. I hate that this nightmare plays on everyday for you right now, but I really am proud of you for making the counseling appointment, and I honestly believe that every day will be a little more bearable until you look back and realize you have left this dark place behind. That doesn't mean you'll forget what happened or not think about your babies every day, but I think you'll feel lighter and it will be different. You are an incredible mom, and I know you're struggling with guilt over feeling like you're not doing enough, but the best thing you can do for Katie is to take care of yourself right now. She needs you to be healthy and happy. So many hugs.

  5. I'm very thankful that you are seeing someone Amber! I think it will help you process your grief and not move on, but move forward. You never move on from losing a baby, let alone two babies, you just figure out how to live. I still take the day I lost my first baby off work every year. This year marks 4 years. An early loss for me but it's my day to grieve, remember, and celebrate.

    I didn't smile for 3 months following my loss, I went to work, came home, and was mostly a robot. You're still very much in the thick of your grief and trying to swim. On the days that are terrible (there will be a lot) let the grief roll over you, let Katie see you upset so she knows that Emma's life and Chase's life mattered. That it's ok to be angry, it's ok to cry, it's ok to be happy, and it's ok to need help.

    You may think that you're not being a great mom right now but you are teaching Katie that it's ok to have big emotions and it's ok to not be ok.

  6. I can only imagine all the tribulations you’re going through with your family, and I’m sure it’s not easy—especially for you as a mom. But despite all that, I hope you attain the strength to keep everything together, and that you don’t forget to take care of yourself. Anyway, I wish you and your family all the best. Take care.

    Dominick Hoffman @ Cedar Light