I got the phone call today that all the paperwork has been filed to get their death certificates so they can be cremated. Cremation is happening this afternoon and the urn is being dropped off tomorrow.
I'm not even close to okay and I had to leave the house this afternoon since I didn't think I could handle it. I just keep seeing their little bodies being burned, I can hardly even type this out. This shouldn't be happening. This should not be my reality, their reality. They should be safely in me, 21 weeks pregnant today. Instead they are not and never will be. I keep seeing their u/s in my head, they were alive until my body kicked them out. They were growing, healthy, perfect. Nothing wrong, until my body destroyed them and ended them.
I hate my disgusting body. The body that couldn't conceive them and couldn't even keep them safe. The body that killed them. I shouldn't even be alive. I don't deserve to enjoy my living child when they will never enjoy anything ever. I just want them back and not in an urn.