Tuesday, June 9, 2015


I got the phone call today that all the paperwork has been filed to get their death certificates so they can be cremated.  Cremation is happening this afternoon and the urn is being dropped off tomorrow.

I'm not even close to okay and I had to leave the house this afternoon since I didn't think I could handle it.  I just keep seeing their little bodies being burned, I can hardly even type this out. This shouldn't be happening.  This should not be my reality, their reality.  They should be safely in me, 21 weeks pregnant today.  Instead they are not and never will be.  I keep seeing their u/s in my head, they were alive until my body kicked them out.  They were growing, healthy, perfect.  Nothing wrong, until my body destroyed them and ended them.

I hate my disgusting body.  The body that couldn't conceive them and couldn't even keep them safe.  The body that killed them.  I shouldn't even be alive.  I don't deserve to enjoy my living child when they will never enjoy anything ever. I just want them back and not in an urn.


  1. My heart is just broken for you. I felt so many of these things when we lost our first. It will get better. Very, very slowly. Not in one trajectory. There will be really bad days after you've made progress, and may be some good ones in the early days when you feel you don't deserve them. It will never go away- you will never be the you before your losses. Time doesn't heal in a way that makes the past disappear. Time gives you a scar that makes going forward bearable. You will enjoy something again, but you will never want them in an urn and not in your arms.

  2. I am so sorry for your loss... It isn't fair and should never happen. I will be praying for your heart....

  3. Dealing with creamation and going to pick up the urn was by far one of the hardest things I have ever done. It was surreal and felt impossible this could ever happen to a parent. I probably cried the whole day carrying them home on my lap. This will be very difficult my dear. I won't lie. Please know that you are still a mommy to Katie. You are still a wife and a friend. You may feel like none of those things right now, but it will slowly sink in and bring you back.