Saturday, June 6, 2015

despair

I hate myself.  I have one living child and in the world of infertility I'm lucky to even have that.  I've spent all day in despair and a blanket of sadness.  I can't enjoy one ounce of her.  We went to a farm place I've wanted to take her for a while now and I couldn't even enjoy it.  I just see her growing up alone and I miss the other two so much.  I hate myself because I'm missing out on my living child by grieving for children that I'll never experience no matter what.  I'll never, ever see them do anything or grow or cry or laugh and because I'm grieving that I can't enjoy seeing it on the child I do have.  What a shitty mom I am.  I don't deserve any children.

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