Monday, June 1, 2015

Hard Night

Tonight is hard.  I keep breaking down.  I did okay with Katie most of the day and then it got harder after her nap, plus I was more worn out.  Then David came home and we went to the park and there I saw them-sisters.  One was 3 and was 20 months.  Their mom said there was 19 months between them.  Katie was going to be about 20 months older than the twins.  It's been hard the rest of the night and then, like every night, I sang Katie Soft Kitty before bed.  I couldn't make it through the song without crying and I haven't really stopped since then.  David and I sang each baby Soft Kitty when we said goodbye.  I can't believe I had to say goodbye. I don't know how I'll ever go on.  I don't know how it's ever going to be okay.  I wish my daughter didn't have to suffer because my body failed.  My husband lost, she lost, and I lost because my body couldn't do it.  And now no one's life will ever be the same.  2 lives lost and 3 changed forever.

2 comments:

  1. I know you won't believe this right now, but you didn't fail. You are not to blame. I understand well how impossible it is really feel this, but infection is a bitch. It was an outside invader that you couldn't control or stop. You didn't fail your kids. In time you will realize this, just like I did. You are in the raw part of this grief and it will take time to come out on the other side. Keep caring for your daughter, keep thinking of and remembering your twins, and know that it's okay to feel like shit for a while. Your daughter won't remember the tears and the little things you need to allow for to get through this. Don't worry. Reach out for support and talk about the babies. They were here and they were REAL and LOVED.

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    1. I've been reading your blog a lot today. You do know exactly how I feel because I feel like I'm reading myself when I go back to when you lost the twins. So much love to you and thanks for reaching out.

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