Wednesday, June 3, 2015

Hate

So many people are reaching out to me, bringing by meals and little gifts in the memory of Emma and Chase. I'm breaking down over it this evening. Why is everyone so nice to me? Why aren't they calling me child killer and spitting on me? My body killed them. My body failed to protect them. I killed my babies. I wish people would treat me like I deserve. I hate myself.

7 comments:

  1. I so understand this feeling, but it isn't warranted. Your body was not under your control. If you were able to decide what would happen with Emma and Chase- you would still be pregnant. You would birth them, raise them and love them until the day YOU died. I have felt these things myself- but I know if it were possible you would have NEVER chosen this.

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  2. I struggle with this still sometimes. I felt like I was supposed to protect my boys, and that I had failed them. It has taken me a long time to accept that I had no control over what happened. You are not to blame for the loss of these babies. You were and will always be the best mom that you can be for them.

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  3. I'll say it until you hear me my dear. You did not kill them - they died. It's horrid and unfair and makes you ache and die a little inside, but it is the shit part of life. I have been in this place and know your grieving heart - you will get through this and understand to forgive yourself. Hold on and try to let in the love for them.

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  4. De-lurking as your words concern me. You must learn to forgive yourself, but more so, you must stop thinking that you had anything to do with the unfortunate situation that led you to losing your babies. You loved them with every fiber of your being and would have done anything to protect them. There is nothing that you could have done or not done that could have influenced the outcome. Imagine if the situation had happened to a friend or fellow blogger, you wouldn't blame her would you? So please stop blaming yourself.

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  5. It is absolutely ok to be angry. You did not kill your babies. You were in circumstances that you could not control, there was nothing that you could've done. You did all the right things, you called your doctor with bleeding, you went in because you were having contractions. Why the infection didn't show up before is an unknown. Would it have made a difference if it was found early? Maybe, but probably not. You carried Emma and Chase with love and joy, they knew only your love. They knew the sound of your heart beating and they responded to the sound of your voice. This was not your fault. I'd like to repeat this sentence...this was not your fault. I beg you to focus on the joy you felt at carrying Emma and Chase.

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  6. An infection killed your babies. It's horrible and unfair and so, so sad and I'm so sorry. You did nothing but love and nurture your babies. An infection killed them. Hate the infection. People ARE treating you as you deserve. You deserve love and compassion and nurturing.

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  7. It breaks my heart that you feel this way. I know that you know in your heart how loved you are and that you are absolutely not to blame for the loss of your babies. Not one person would ever think that. But our minds are tricky, and you need a "reason" or somewhere to place blame right now, and your mind is telling you things that aren't true. What you are saying about yourself is 100% untrue. It doesn't mean you don't feel it, but it's only your mind's way of trying to figure this out. People are doing things for you out of love and support because YOU ARE DESERVING OF GOOD THINGS. What happened was completely unfair, and nature is fucked up. You are no more to blame for what happened to your babies than are people who are killed by hurricanes or earthquakes. Bad shit happens because nature is cruel and unpredictable. You are NOT to blame.

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