I am the kind of person who hates pity. I get angry when others pity me because no matter what is wrong in my life, there are many others who have it much, much worse and I am aware of that. I hate that right now I'm the source of pity for a lot of people.
I also just feel so much guilt right now and anger at myself. No matter how sad I am, I will never, ever be able to bring them back. They are gone forever. I'm the kind of person who tries not to be selfish and I try to support and focus on others. I've tried to do this during my grief and I think I did okay at first, but not anymore. I'm having such a hard time. I read and follow along my usual threads, blogs, etc., but I feel apart from it all. I have a hard time checking in others and giving support and I feel selfish. I can't give to my twins, but I can give to my friends, family, husband, and daughter and I'm not. I'm in a cloud of sadness, where even if a smile makes it to my lips because it's expected, it doesn't touch my heart. I know it can be seen in my eyes, my eyes have never been good at lying. I just feel like I don't do anything for anyone and I hate that about myself. I hate that I've become so selfish because of this. I'm trying not to be, but I just feel so dead on the inside. I guess that's the best word to describe it. Dead. I'm sorry to everyone who I've let down. I'm sorry to my twins. I'm not that great a person it turns out.