Thursday, June 11, 2015

Me

I am the kind of person who hates pity.  I get angry when others pity me because no matter what is wrong in my life, there are many others who have it much, much worse and I am aware of that.  I hate that right now I'm the source of pity for a lot of people.

I also just feel so much guilt right now and anger at myself.  No matter how sad I am, I will never, ever be able to bring them back.  They are gone forever.  I'm the kind of person who tries not to be selfish and I try to support and focus on others.  I've tried to do this during my grief and I think I did okay at first, but not anymore.  I'm having such a hard time.  I read and follow along my usual threads, blogs, etc., but I feel apart from it all.  I have a hard time checking in others and giving support and I feel selfish.  I can't give to my twins, but I can give to my friends, family, husband, and daughter and I'm not.  I'm in a cloud of sadness, where even if a smile makes it to my lips because it's expected, it doesn't touch my heart.  I know it can be seen in my eyes, my eyes have never been good at lying.  I just feel like I don't do anything for anyone and I hate that about myself.  I hate that I've become so selfish because of this.  I'm trying not to be, but I just feel so dead on the inside.  I guess that's the best word to describe it.  Dead.  I'm sorry to everyone who I've let down.  I'm sorry to my twins.  I'm not that great a person it turns out.

5 comments:

  1. This is not selfish, this is self care. There comes a point in our lives when we need to accept help from others and it's ok. If you would've known me before I lost a baby you would have thought I was compassionate, kind, and an awesome person. After I lost our baby, I lost so much compassion for others. I used to be more awesome and I'm slowly getting back there...you will too. It took me 2 years before I finally saw myself as 'normal' again. Be gentle to yourself, it's ok to be selfish right now and not want to give so much of yourself to others. It will come back!

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  2. I know you feel bad about caring for you, but it's necessary. I agree with the above comment in that one HAS to be selfish after something like this. It's all consuming and you can't blame yourself for needing this time. Just do your best and if you want, let those close to you know that you wish you could be there for them but that you are having a hard time. They will wait for you. For a long time I just went through the motions, but there was no substance in any of it. I would pick and choose what I had the energy for because I knew I would be "faking it" though events and visits. Turn down what you need to, but give living a try from time to time. A pleasant experience might surprise you and even bring on a smile. This is a good thing, but you may feel guilt for a while any time you feel happiness. That is pretty crappy, but a reality until your heart begins healing.

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  3. Amber, you are not being selfish, you are grieving. Don't put too much pressure on yourself to "be anything" for anyone but you and your family right now. It's all you can do. xoxo

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  4. You are an awesome person. You are not selfish AT ALL. You've continued to support me despite everything you're dealing with, you're spending time with your daughter, you're cheering on others, and the only thing you're expected to do is to take care of yourself. I know what you mean about pity, and I feel the same way, but I think it can be hard to see the difference in sympathy and pity when you are the one receiving it. I think people are sympathizing with you. We're all heartbroken WITH you. Not just feeling like, "Oh that poor Amber. She must be so heartbroken." I know that doesn't seem like a big difference, but I think the ones supporting you are just being sad with you. I don't think people who pity you are reaching out. We all want to walk with you and be there when you need us, and that's because we love you, not because we pity you.

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  5. You are an awesome person. You are not selfish AT ALL. You've continued to support me despite everything you're dealing with, you're spending time with your daughter, you're cheering on others, and the only thing you're expected to do is to take care of yourself. I know what you mean about pity, and I feel the same way, but I think it can be hard to see the difference in sympathy and pity when you are the one receiving it. I think people are sympathizing with you. We're all heartbroken WITH you. Not just feeling like, "Oh that poor Amber. She must be so heartbroken." I know that doesn't seem like a big difference, but I think the ones supporting you are just being sad with you. I don't think people who pity you are reaching out. We all want to walk with you and be there when you need us, and that's because we love you, not because we pity you.

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